Oh, baby!
Tony Stark was prepared for anything. The Iron Man suit was equipped with every gadget imaginable, right down to a filtration system. So, come hell or high water, Tony was ready. Yeah, at least that's what he thought, until about ten minutes ago.
Tony should have known there would be some funny business during this battle, seeing as while fighting Thor had warned the Avengers that while not the strongest in hand to hand combat (or fist to face as Clint liked to call it), the particular race of aliens they were battling was extremely cunning and mischievous, and liked to humiliate their opponents using magic. Jesus, Tony hated magic. Especially after what happened just minutes into the fight. To be honest, Tony didn't entirely remember what'd happened during the fight, aside from the fact that there'd been a flash of bright green light pouring out of the hands of one of the alien warriors, and suddenly the whole army had retreated back into the sky. They were cackling maniacally as they left, a high pitched noise that made Tony wince, because his head was already pounding. He heard the muffled sounds of his colleagues checking in with each other over the comms, and wondered why they sounded so muffled anyways. He started to say something about fixing up the devices, when suddenly, everything went black.
When Tony woke up, the first thing he noticed was that he wasn't in battle anymore. In fact, he was back in the tower lying on a couch with Bruce hunched over him looking worried. The second thing he noticed was that he was naked but too tired to do anything about it. He assumed he'd been injured, and the scientist was checking him over. The third thing he noticed was that Bruce looked a lot bigger now. But, he assumed that was the painkillers talking or something, so he brushed off the thought. When Bruce saw that he was awake, he gave him a nervous smile and softly said,
"Hey Tones, you feeling alright?" For some reason he wouldn't meet Tony's eyes when he said it, which made Tony nervous, but he nodded in confirmation anyways. He tried to sit up, but a wave of nausea hit him, and he lowered himself back down onto the couch. At that moment Steve, Clint and Natasha entered the room, and Tony felt a blush rising in his cheeks at the fact he was nude in front of his teammates, but none of them mentioned it. What he thought was even weirder than that was the look Natasha was giving Tony. It was caring and almost parental. She usually only reserved that look for Clint's kids. Meanwhile, the captain had his eyes trained on Bruce. Tony tuned in to their conversation, and what he heard made him sit up despite the Nausea.
"What do you mean 'Have you found out how old the kid is yet?' What kid?" Tony furrowed his brow at the sound of his voice. It sounded way to high. Bruce turned to face Tony, looking guilty. He cleared his throat before speaking.
"Uhm Tony... you see...during the fight one of those aliens hit you with a spell that turned you into..." he paused for far too long, "a two-year-old, by the looks of it." All eyes were on him now, waiting to see how he'd receive the news. To his surprise and mortification, he felt tears welling in his eyes. He wanted to scream, he wanted to hit the scientist, and make him take it back and apologize for lying. But, he knew it was true. Everything that he'd noticed since he woke up was perfect evidence of his current state, and for some reason that made him want to cry even more than before. "Thor said he'd seen the spell before, and that it isn't permanent." Bruce started speaking again, obviously floundering at the sight of his friend getting emotional. "He said it should only last a month or so." Tony did take this as a small consolation, but he still didn't want to be stuck like this! He couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and he felt them pouring down his face. At first nobody moved, all too stunned at seeing Tony Stark cry. But then, to everyone's surprise, it was Natasha who pulled Tony's now oversized shirt onto his head, and scooped him up into her arms, holding him protectively. Tony buried his face into her shirt as she settled him in front of her, with one arm under his butt, and the other rubbing his back. She didn't talk as she held him, but hummed into his hair sympathetically bouncing him till he began to calm. It wasn't till he had stopped crying that she looked up at the others.
"He's asleep now I think." She shifted him in her arms until she was cradling him, so he'd be more comfortable. "Poor baby." she cooed at Tony as she sat down on the couch where he'd been sitting previously, "We should probably make some sort of schedule for taking care of him, and maybe a list of baby supplies we can have JARVIS get." All the others in the room were unsure how to continue from there. Who knew that the Black Widow would be so good with kids?
"OH GEEZ TONY!" Tony peeled his eyes open, and saw that at some point he'd been transferred to Clint's arms, and he was cradling him like an infant. But, even worse than that was what he did next. He held Tony out at arms length so that all the other Avengers could realize what he'd done at the same time as him. "You peed all over me!" And now he had to accept his fate as a dead man, seeing as the trained assassin holding him was going to kill him the next time he fell asleep. Tony felt new tears spring to his eyes, and found himself relieved when Natasha walked over and took him from Clint, exiting the room and saving him from the mortification of being in front of his colleagues in that state any longer. She took him down to her floor, and carried him into the bathroom. She stripped him of his soaked shirt, which was the only piece of clothes he was wearing and sat him on the carpet as she drew a bath. She helped him over the tall rim and into the tub, and turned around, allowing him to clean himself off. Afterwards, she scooped him up again, this time wrapped tightly in a towel and carried him into her room. She looked around thoughtfully, then opened a drawer, and pulled out a large t-shirt that looked as though it probably was filched off of one of the other avengers. She was about to put it on him, but after a moment's consideration went back into the washroom, and reappeared with a hand towel. Tony was pretty sure she knew what she was going to do before she did it, and he squeezed his eyes shut. He felt her lift his legs, then place them back down on the towel, spread slightly, and then she did what he feared she would. She proceeded to wrap and tie the towel so it was a bulky, makeshift diaper. He opened his eyes again, giving her a look that screamed betrayal. The look must have been more ineffective coming from a toddler, because she huffed a laugh, and picked him up once more. "Just until we can buy something better." She said in explanation as she and Tony made their way back to the communal floor. Tony didn't even want to know what "something better" meant.
The pair approached the elevator, Tony still in Natasha's arms, and all Tony could think about was how much he didn't want to face his other teammates again. Despite the fact that he was actually quite comfy in her arms, Tony squirmed in the elevator and asked to be set down. It was his first time standing post transformation, and his legs felt weaker than he thought they should've. He practiced taking a few wobbly steps with his arms above his head being held by Natasha. When the elevator doors slid open on the communal floor, Tony felt the urge to walk by himself, and tugged his tiny hands out of Natasha's as he waddled into the living room where the other avengers seemed to be discussing who'd be watching Tony while the others had missions and such. He interjected with a little ahem that caught all their attentions.
"You guys don't need to take care of me. I'm not actually a baby you know?" Tony focused on not speaking with a lisp as he spoke.Clint smirked at him, standing up. Tony blushed at the realization that the archer was wearing a completely different outfit.
"Sure you aren't." He looked disbelieving, "Come here you little rugrat." He opened his arms to Tony.
"Don't tease him Clint." Steve warned slipping into Captain America voice, "That's not very nice."
"I'm not gonna tease him Steve. I have a kid his age, remember? I just wanna' see him." Tony felt like running, but he wasn't sure if his legs would carry him at any speed faster than he was already going. Still, he turned and started clumsily padding away from the archer, who caught him in two steps, and scooped him up from under his arms exposing his towel undergarment. He didn't say anything, but he did let out a small laugh, inspiring the tiny engineer to swing his chubby little fists at the man's chest.
"Jack ass." he muttered, apparently not as quiet as he thought he had because Steve snapped at him,
"Language Tony!" Clint sat down, then placed Tony on his lap. The tiny engineer stuck his tongue out at the captain, but made no verbal remark, instead pressing his back against the archer's stomach to further distance himself from the man. Clint laughed at that,
"No snarky response Stark? That's a first! You must be really tired!"
"Not tired, hungry." Tony rebutted. "I thought you were a parent Barton. Don't you know that kids are supposed to have sustenance at least every twelve hours?" Bruce was the only one with the decency to look guilty.
"We should probably get him some food. But, what do two-year-olds even eat?" All heads turned to Clint, seeing as he was the resident parent. He shrugged,
"Anything really. As long as it's cut up into small pieces." Tony let out a groan that went unacknowledged by the others, but was too hungry to refuse the statement.
It didn't take long for the avengers to agree on leftover pizza, seeing as everyone (except maybe Steve) was too tired to cook. As the team settled at the table, Tony figured that Clint, who was still resting Tony on one of his hips, would sit him down in his own seat, but instead he handed him to Natasha who'd already cut up a slice of pizza for him, and poured him a glass of milk and herself a glass of wine. She looked slightly apologetic, seeing Tony was obviously not pleased with anything about the situation.
"I'm sorry bub, but you won't even be able to reach your food if you sit on your own chair."
"No need to remind me." He sighed as she stroked his hair, and popped a square of pizza with a large chunk of sausage on it into his mouth. He reached for his glass of milk, but frowned at how heavy it was.
"Both hands Tony." Natasha reminded him. He was annoyed, but complied because he was also thirsty. Even with both hands gripping the glass he managed to spill around half the milk down his chin and on his shirt. Natasha reached to wipe his face with a napkin, but retracted her arm when she saw his venomous stare. "Do we have sippy cups on our list?" she asked the group in general. She looked equally satisfied as Tony did angry when Steve nodded, but he knew he was too covered in milk to make a strong argument as to why he didn't need them. He also knew that the next month was going to seriously suck.