CHAEWON’S POV.
it’s been a week since i found out. since you told me that you were leaving for america the next month. i stopped, froze. i still remember the day you asked me to be your girlfriend during that concert we went to—my first time going out without my parents because of how strict they were, the first time i felt happiness differently, the first time i went to a local band’s concert, the first time i shared a kiss with you with so much joy. i remember things so clearly, and now you’re leaving. you wanted this, we both know that. it feels so fast—everything is happening to quickly, for me. not for you. you waited for this your whole life, but i waited for you my entire life and it feels selfish of me to think this way yet i can’t help it. you’re leaving, and i can’t imagine my future without you.
it was my fault i ended up being this dependent on you. now i’m here sitting on my bed that was once comfy, but now feels so hard and rough. it feels so hard. almost two years with you, you’ve become so important to me. everything i own, everything i have, everywhere i go, it reminds me of you—you’re everywhere but nowhere near me. how could i ever handle that?
ding
the light of my phone lits up my whole room, but i ignored it. i knew it came from you, my gut told me that it came from you but i couldn’t bring myself to talk to you, to anyone. i’m a mess. i feel evil for feeling like this when you’re so glad you’re leaving the country. i can’t bring myself to tell you to stay, i can’t tell you that i want you to stay. two fucking years. i feel selfish to think that i can’t handle not being with you. i feel like the devil to think that i can’t handle a long distance relationship when we used to be stuck together like glue, god. i feel like laughing just by thinking about the memories together, how we really couldn’t handle a day without each other. inseparable. i feel sorry. i feel like i’m being too unfair with you. am i being unfair?
i take a deep sigh. i close my eyes for a few seconds, trying to keep my calm. keeping myself composed. i’m alright. we’ll be alright. hopefully.
min <3 : HEYYYYY
min <3 : REPLYYYY BITCH
min <3 : i see someone isnt replying.
min <3 : ik ure online babe!!
min <3 : is something wrong? :(
: hey
min <3: FINALLY
min <3: hi baby ^^
i let out a bittersweet chuckle at her reply. it’s been two years yet my feelings remain the same—no, even worse. i’ve fallen deeper and deeper each day, by each kiss we shared, each eye contact, each second spent together, i just found myself falling deeper by my own accord. god, how down bad am i? that even at a simple reply i find myself having butterflies.
: hi my min
: how are you!!
min <3 : im alright
min <3 : i wanna come over
“what?” i let out. i sit up straight with my eyes widened. she can’t come over, i thought to myself. she can’t see me like this. i could feel my face all puffed up and i’m not even touching it yet nor could i see myself on a mirror. this is too much, kim minju.
: what u cant
: i’m not home ;-;
a small lie to save myself…. from embarrassment and maybe another breakdown.
min <3 : i heard you say what btw
min <3 : open the door
just before i could let out another what, i covered my mouth in a hurry. mumbling a ah fuck. i lose now. just like always. i always lose.. i let out a sigh. a month left. can i do this?
i wash my face quickly as if that would do any good and fixed my messy ass hair. i look at the door. scared. i take slow but heavy footsteps towards the door where the girl i love is standing behind. why am i even scared?
the sound of the door opening, her comforting scent entering my room and now i feel like i’m on cloud nine. i see her smiling. that idiotic smile again. she’s so fucking annoying.
“well,” i let out a sigh, “what’s princess doing here?”
“i missed you.” she says in a heartbeat. my eyebrows raised as if i never heard that phrase come out from her before but the way she said it punched my chest. now my chest is heavier than before.
“really now?”
“are you not letting your princess in or..?”
“that’s one bossy princess i’m dealing with.” she rolls her eyes at me as she takes her shoes off and slips her feet into the slippers i bought for her a few months ago by how often she came by—now no one would be wearing them.
“you cried?” she says,
“i did.”
if there’s one thing i managed to develop from our relationship, it’s being able to communicate my feelings more. no more bottling things up. no more silence, no more toxicity. pure honesty. saying nothing will do nothing. but right now, the only thing i could be honest about is the fact i cried, and i don’t think i can tell her the reason onto why i did.
i can’t.
i don’t want her to leave.
she sits on my bed, looking down. the room filled with dim lights, and nothing but silence. a bittersweet smile painted on her face as she caresses the bedsheets.
“come here,” minju says as i sit beside her.
she hugs me.
i was the one who hugged tightly, that was my role. but this time, she hugs me tighter than ever. she hugs me as if i’m the one who’s leaving. she hugs me as if i’m so precious, as if i’m the most valuable thing she owns, as if.. she knows why i cried.
she knows i want her to stay.
i burst into tears. just feeling her hug. her entire self on me. just letting her perfume entoxicate my lungs, letting her love me, just letting myself feel all that love for the last time. letting myself fall, crumble, fade into ashes infront of her. i can’t take it anymore. i want us to last, i want her beside me all times. she’s going away. too far. that’s too far. i can’t take that distance. i want you here. i…. i’m sorry.
“sorry,” i wipe my tears, “i couldn’t handle it..”
“don’t apologize, chae.” she says in such a soft tone that just made my tears flow again, “what’s wrong?’
“i wish..” i let out a deep sigh,
“i wish we could stay like this forever.”
“i want us to stay like this forever, minju.”
“like?”
“you beside me. you right here with me. you not leaving my side and just.. being here. i know it seems selfish, i’m just saying my thoughts. i won’t tell you to stay,” i pause, i lied. “you’ve waited for this for so long, i know how much you want to leave. but i just wanted to say for the last time, i wanted to say for the last time so you could hear it—” i take a deep breath,
“I’ll miss you.”
for the last time so you could see my face and cup it, so you could wipe my tears like a baby that tripped and now you’re comforting me. for the last time you could hug me and hold me tight and never let go. i hope you never let go. for the last time, you could look at me and you’d see how my eyes shine brightly just for you. how i’m here, how i was made for you.
“never let go, please.”
“i can’t do that.”
i know.
i just hoped you wouldn’t.