Something More

For a Friday night the bar was surprisingly deserted. A few patrons sat up front nursing drinks their eyes glued to the large screen TVs that were mounted above the bar playing some sports game. Outdated music drifted from the speakers mixing with the sounds of clinking glasses and laughter. The lights were dimmed adding to what you assumed was meant to be a cozy ambiance, but just made the place look dingy. 

This wasn’t your usual hangout and as your eyes swept over the dark wood paneling that lined the walls you could understand why you had never come here before. The one bright spot of the night so far had been the drinks. And Bucky of course.

Glancing up from your drink you watched the way his eyes crinkled, the way he tossed his head back laughing at something Steve had said. Even in the dimness his eyes were bright reminding you of home.

After opening up to him about your insecurities and the painful parts of your past your bond with him only deepened and not just sexually. It was still hard for you to be comfortable around him bare, but he did everything he could to help you relax from kissing every inch of your skin to reminding you every minute he was with you how beautiful you were.

During your last movie night which had taken place at your apartment you had once again fallen asleep during his movie pick only stirring when he lifted you from the couch to carry you to your bedroom. Clinging to him like a life preserver you had sleepily asked him to spend the night with you when he placed you on your bed. 

The next morning the two of you had made breakfast maneuvering around your small kitchen with a practiced ease it was fingers brushing every couple of seconds, kisses stolen, laughter filling the space, acting more like newlyweds than best friends.

And when Natasha had slipped into your apartment unnoticed by either of you leaning against the doorframe watching with an arched eyebrow, an unreadable expression on her face she had only shook her head waiting until Bucky left before talking to you. 

Her tone had been cool, her words making your body freeze as she warned you again to be careful. You had rolled your eyes telling her you were, but the look she shot you had silenced you. Her eyes narrowed making you nervous and when she rested her hand on your shoulder she softened her voice telling you what she had witnessed in the kitchen was not two friends, but something more. Shrugging both her hand and her words off you had assured her again that you guys were just friends with benefits. But as the day had progressed her words had nagged at you. 

You were enjoying the arrangement. A lot. And you knew Bucky was too, but you also knew that sooner or later things were going to change. Eventually one of you was going to find someone and with your track record of guys you figured it was only a matter of time until he found a girlfriend. The thought had left you with mixed emotions. You wanted him to be happy, but at the same time you weren’t ready to give up this arrangement. You had made a mental note to talk to him, to figure this out before things got messy, but then he had invited you to the farmers market where he had stocked up on fresh vegetables and fruits and had cooked you dinner. Afterwards you two had ended up in his bed eating ice cream, talking all night, kissing lazily until you had both fallen asleep and just like that the mental note to talk to him had been erased.

“Still with us, sweetheart?” Bucky asked, his voice pulling you from your thoughts and bringing you back to the dingy bar, back to your blue eyed friends.

“Depends,” you teased, finishing your drink. “Are you guys done talking about sports?”

“Were we boring you?”

“You two? Always.”

An electric current settled itself over the table as your eyes locked on Bucky’s. Being around him, joking with him like this made it easy to forget about your surroundings. The clinking glasses, the laughter, the bad music, even Steve sitting across from you fade to the background and it’s only you and Bucky. Leaning forward his fingers idly inch across the tabletop to brush against yours. The contact however brief sends your heart fluttering and heat to flood your cheeks.

It’s not until Steve clears his throat that Bucky leans back in his chair, that you pull your hands into your lap and avert your eyes. 

“Um how about I go and get us another round and you guys can finish your boring sports talk,” you offered. Without giving either of them a chance to object you slip from your chair shooting Steve an apologetic look before heading towards the bar. Throwing a glance over your shoulder you’re surprised to see Bucky’s intense gaze following you, even more surprised to find yourself unable to wipe the growing smile from your face.

“You have to tell her, Buck,” Steve sighed.

Ignoring him Bucky kept his eyes on you watching the way you rested your elbows on the bar, your hand lifted in an attempt to get the bartenders attention. Even in the dimness he could make you out in the distance. Running a hand through his hair he tore his gaze away to look at Steve.

“I will,” he grumbled. 

Frowning Steve shook his head. “Natasha called me,” he started. “She’s worried about you and Y/N getting hurt. I am too.”

“‘M gonna tell her,” Bucky said again, his voice laced with annoyance. 

An unease fell over the table. Bucky knew Steve was right, knew that he had to tell you how he felt about you, but there never seemed to be a right time. Going from friends with benefits to something more was a big deal to him and when he told you how he felt he wanted the moment to be perfect. It was what you deserved. After having you open up to him not only about your ex, but about the asshole who had stood you up he knew he had to take this slow. The last thing he wanted was for you to run from him.

“There hasn’t been a good time,” he mumbled. 

“I’ve never seen you scared to tell someone how you feel.”

“She’s not just someone, Steve. It’s Y/N. It’s different this time. She’s different.”  

The thought of you had his lips curling up into the sweetest of smiles. Turning his attention away from Steve back to the bar the smile fell from his face to be replaced with narrowed eyes and an unmistakable fury flowing through his veins. 

Expecting you to be alone at the bar as you ordered another round he had not been expecting some asshole of a guy leaning on the bar talking to you. And when he saw the way your shoulders were relaxed, saw the way this stranger had the audacity to place his hand on your arm Bucky saw red. All rational thoughts slipped from his mind.

“Buck, don’t,” Steve urged, but his words were useless.

Pushing his chair back he ignored the way it rattled against the table making the glasses wobble as he stalked his way through the bar to your side.

Stiffening when you felt an arm slip around your waist you let out a breath when you realized it was only Bucky. His grip was possessive and as you tried to slip out you frowned when he pulled you closer. You had never seen him act like this. Gritting your teeth in annoyance you shot him a warning glance, but he wasn’t looking at you his gaze only focused on the guy who had chatted you up.

“Was gettin’ worried about, honey.”

The nickname which usually made your knees weak and your heart race only further annoyed you. You didn’t understand why he was acting like this. 

"You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend," Michael, the handsome stranger said. His dark brown eyes looked even darker as he lifted his elbow off the bar standing to his full height. A couple inches shorter than Bucky you wanted the floor to swallow you whole when Bucky also stood to his full height. 

"I don't," you said at the same time that Bucky said you did.

Your eyes flashed with anger and when Michael snatched his hand from your arm and took a step backwards your face burned with embarrassment and shame. 

"Bucky!" You hissed, but your words did little good the damage had already been done.

Muttering a whatever under his breath Michael left leaving you alone with Bucky the last place you wanted to be right now. You had never felt this way before. Fighting with him was rare and on the few occasions that you had fought in the past you had never felt the urge to run, the urge to make a scene, the urge to scream at him. Angry tears pooled in your eyes. Blinking them back you reached for yours and Steve's drinks. Your hands shook, your heart raced, your legs felt shaky as you pushed past Bucky in a cloud of disappointment and stalked back to your table. Slamming the drinks down you watched the alcohol slosh over the side of the glasses.

"You okay?" Steve asked. His blue eyes were cloudy, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose as if he knew what was coming next and was preparing for it.

"No."

"I told him not to."

"I know."

Biting your tongue you wanted to tell Steve that he could have done more to stop him, should have done more, but your anger wasn't directed at him. Tensing at the sound of Bucky's boots clomping on the floor you flinched when he lightly touched your elbow. 

"Don't," you hissed. Whirling around your eyes were alight with fire and though you had a brief second of satisfaction when his cheeks turned deep pink it wasn't nearly enough to calm you down. "What the hell was that, James?" 

His mouth opened and closed like a fish when he heard his first name. Rolling his shoulders back he took a step towards you. 

"Y/N," he tried. "He had his hands all over you! What was I supposed to do? Sit here and do nothing?"

"Buck," Steve warned, but each of you ignored him. Like earlier when you had been joking with Bucky, when his fingers had brushed against yours, when you had turned around to see him watching you everything around you faded away until it was just the two of you. But unlike earlier when your heart had felt full with a lightness at spending time with your best friends now your heart felt full with the heaviness of Bucky's actions.

Crossing your arms over your chest you struggled to choose your words carefully. The last thing you wanted to do was say something you'd regret or cause a scene, but he had already caused a scene earlier so what did it matter? It wasn't as if you'd be returning here.

"Excuse me?" You said a humorless laugh spilling from your alcohol stained lips. "He had his hand on my arm! That's hardly all over me! And yes, James that's exactly what you should have done sit here with Steve. I'm not a child who needs protecting. If I needed help don't you think I would have asked for it? We were talking not that it's any of your fucking business and for you to just walk up and lie to him and tell him I had a boyfriend is inexcusable. Who gave you the right to do that? Answer me!"

Your breathing was ragged as you stared up at Bucky. Swiping at your eyes when a few tears leaked down your heated cheeks you tore your gaze away. With a shaky hand you reached down grabbing your drink and taking a large sip. Out of the corner of your eye you could see him frowning, see him opening and closing his mouth again and you knew he was on the verge of telling you to slow down, but you were so tired of everybody giving you unsolicited advice. Tired of everyone telling you what you should do, of what was best for you.

"You don't even know him!" He yelled. Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes before opening them slowly. Softening his voice he tried again. "Y/N, you can't let guys randomly come up and touch you like that. I know you think he was nice, but jesus guys in bars only want one thing. You really wanna get your heart broken again when he stands you up or dumps you cause you won't sleep with him?"

"Bucky!" Steve snapped.

The glass in your hand slipped between your shaking fingers landing on the floor with a crash. Glass littered the ground by your feet, but it was the least of your concerns. Your heart was in your throat, each word he had so cruelly flung in your face feeling like an open handed slap across your cheek. In fact you were convinced had he slapped you it would have hurt less. Hell, having him stab you in the chest would have hurt less than hearing him speak those words to you. Tears streamed down your face and for the first time in your life you didn't recognize the person standing in front of you. 

You could see the regret on Bucky's face play out like a movie. Could see the way his blue eyes widened with shock, the way his lips turned down into a frown, the way his hand shook as he reached out for you, but it was useless. There was nothing he could do or say that would change what he had said, nothing that could ease the stinging pain as his words replayed over and over in your mind. There was no way either of you could come back for this.

Letting the tears stream down your face you were vaguely aware of the scraping chair as Steve got up to stand between you two like a referee. 

"Fuck you, James," you whispered, your voice eerily calm. Stepping around Steve you placed your hands on Bucky's chest shoving him, but like a brick wall he didn't move. "You knew how vulnerable I was when I told you that. You knew how hard it was for me to open up to you and for you to throw that back in my face because you can't handle somebody talking to me?" 

Shoving at his chest again and again you only stopped when you felt Steve's large hands gripping your shoulders and turning you around. 

"I'm sorry," Bucky choked out.

Tears burned your eyes blurring your vision as you fled the bar. The air was damp, rain drizzling from the darkened sky that matched your mood. The sidewalk glistened and glittered when the headlights from taxis swept over it. Shivering from the coolness you took a few shaky steps before leaning back against the brick of the building. The cold seeped right through your thin tee shirt and as you wrapped your arms around yourself you wished you had grabbed your sweater and purse before fleeing.

Cars honked around you, people chatting and laughing as they passed by, the city was alive and well. You only wished you could have said the same about yourself.

"Y/N."

Flinching when you heard his voice you clenched your eyes shut willing him to go away.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice thick with emotion.

Opening your eyes you were surprised to see him standing so close you could smell the beer on his breath, smell his shampoo, his cologne. It made your heart ache. They were the scents that lingered on his sheets, on his pillowcases, on you after a night spent with him and it hurt. It hurt so fucking much.

"Which part are you sorry for exactly? The part where you humiliated me or the part where you threw the most painful moments of my life back in my face like it was nothing?" You asked, choking on a sob.

Slipping his sweatshirt off he handed it to you. Staring at it with disdain you shook your head.

"Y/N."

"Don't. I'd rather freeze." It was dramatic, but as the words left your mouth you realized it was true. 

Clutching the sweatshirt in his hands he frowned. "'M sorry about all of it," he said, with a heavy sigh. "Seeing you with that guy with his hands on you... It made me see red."

"Yeah because the idea that a guy might actually like me is so infuriating, right?" Chewing on your lip you stared down at the wet pavement watching as the raindrops fell. 

"Do you how many times I've watched girls flirt with you, Bucky? How many times I've seen you with your girlfriends with your arm around their waist? Or holding their hand? And do you know many times I interrupted that? Never. You know why? Because you're my best friend and the only thing I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. I-I know that I don't have a lot of experience and I'm not naive enough to think... to think that he was even remotely interested in more than sex, but god Bucky what is your issue? It's like... like you can't stand to see me with any guy and if you really were my best friend you'd support me!"

Choking on your sobs you wrapped your arms around yourself trying to stop your shivering body. Holding his sweatshirt out to you again you turned your head to the side unable to look at either his pathetic peace offering or his face. 

"It's because I love you!" he yelled after a few tense moments of silence his words forcing you to finally meet his gaze. "I'm in love with you, Y/N."

It was too much. His words, the alcohol, the fight, the cold. Even as his words replayed over and over in your mind you swore you had misheard him. He was your best friend and yeah you guys had once or twice before said I love you, but it had always been platonic. Saying I'm in love with you was deeper. More meaningful and as you stood there gaping at him with your mouth open and your eyes wide your breathing shaky and your heart thundering under your chest you reached a hand out to steady yourself. Like you'd come to expect he was right there grabbing hold of your hand holding you up to steady you. Shaking free of his touch you took a step away from him your brain unable to comprehend his words.

The silence stretched on each second feeling like an eternity. 

"Bucky," you breathed. "Y-you don't. We've been drinking and... and you're only saying that because you saw me with that guy an-"

"Damn it," he snapped. 

Stepping forward until his chest was pressed against yours he lifted his hands up cupping your cold cheeks. His eyes looked down searching yours so intently you swore your heart skipped a beat. 

"I'm in love with you," he repeated slowly, enunciating each word before slamming his lips against yours.

The kiss was slow and passionate and you swore if his body wasn't pressed so close to yours you'd fall. An unintentional moan slipped from your mouth only to be captured by him when he deepened the kiss. When he finally pulled away to rest his forehead against yours both of you struggled to catch your breath. 

"I love you," he mumbled, leaning down for another kiss. Turning your head to the side at the last second he caught the corner of your mouth instead.

"You don't though," you choked out through another round of tears.

"Stop saying that," he growled. "Fuck, Y/N, I know you've been hurt in the past and I know I fucked up tonight, but 'm tellin' you the truth and I know you feel the same way." Gripping your chin he forced you to look at him. The emotion in his eyes held you captive and you wanted so desperately to believe him, but you still couldn't. Even after everything you guys had been through you couldn't. You watched as the realization dawned on him. Slowly dropping his grip from your chin he took a step back, his eyes growing hard.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel the same way."

His voice was cold, his body stiff as he stared you down.

Lowering your gaze you shook your head.

"We're friends with benefits," you mumbled, struggling to get the words out. "We agreed to that."

His boots were heavy as they hit the wet pavement and by the time you were brave enough to glance up you were able to catch a quick glimpse of his retreating back. The realization that he had left you alone had your knees buckling beneath you as you collapsed to the wet ground. For the first time in your life when you fell he wasn't there to catch you.

A second pair of boots hit the cement and for a second your heart sped up thinking he had come back, but when you saw the blonde hair, the sympathetic eyes, the frown etched on his face as he crouched down next to you slipping his jacket over your shivering shoulders you let out a pathetic sob.

"Steve," you cried. "He just... I... Everything is a mess and I-I don't-" Pulling his jacket tighter around your shoulders you pulled your knees up to your chest. In the back of your mind you knew you should get up from the wet ground, but your body wouldn't comply.

"It's okay," he murmured, but you both knew it wasn't.

Leaning your head on his shoulder he pulled you closer as you sobbed into his shirt. Each time you thought you were done crying another flash of your fight would enter your mind and giant ugly sobs would wrack your body forcing Steve to pull you closer.

"You guys will work through this Y/N," he said when your tears finally began to subside.

Shaking your head you sniffled. "I don't think we will this time. You didn't hear our fight." Lifting your head up you watched as a light pink colored his cheeks and the realization that he had heard every ugly word you guys had hurled at each other. "You... you should go after him. Make sure he's okay."

Standing up he extended his hand which you reluctantly took. Pulling you up to your feet you wiped at your eyes before shrugging his jacket off, but before you could hand it to him he was placing it firmly back on your shoulders.

"We both know he'd want me here with you."

Any other time the words would have been reassuring, but after what took place tonight all they did was make your shoulders crumble and the tears fall faster down your face.

"Let's get you home."