Something More

"I'm sorry," you whispered, your voice cracking as you readjusted your body on Bucky's couch. You pulled the blanket tighter around your frame as you avoided looking at your best friend.

It was Saturday which meant it was movie night a tradition that had started when you guys were younger.

It also meant that it had been a week and a half since your ex boyfriend had broken up with you and to say you weren't quite over it yet was an understatement.

The last couple of days had been hell. The breakup had come out of nowhere and even though you two hadn't been dating very long and you definitely hadn't been in love with him you had really liked him.

What had hurt you the most was his reason for breaking up with you. It was stupid. So fucking stupid, but it didn't stop the tears from pooling at the corners of your eyes or the feeling of your chest constricting every time you thought about him or the breakup. Which seemed to be every minute of every day.

Your other best friend and roommate Natasha had tried everything to get you to open up or at the very least leave your apartment. Nothing had worked. Not when she tried telling you that he was an asshole, that you deserved better, that any guy who would break up with you because you weren't sleeping with him wasn't worth it, not even when she admitted that she was glad that the relationship was over because everybody had hated him. That only made you feel worse. It made you feel stupid and pathetic that you had been so desperate to have someone like you that you had ignored all the warning signs that he was bad for you.

The only thing that had made you finally leave your apartment was the thought of movie night with Bucky. But so far you felt all you had done was ruin it.

For starters you hadn't been able to focus on the movie, your eyes had stayed on the screen, but your brain hadn't been able to comprehend what was happening. And when Bucky had ordered pizza from your favorite restaurant all you had done was pick at it.

To his credit he hadn't said anything, hadn't pressured you to talk, hadn't asked if you were okay, he knew you weren't. He knew it from the moment he opened the door and had taken in your tear stained eyes. Had known it when he saw you wearing his sweatshirt, the old one, the one where the threading was coming loose at the hem, the one you only wore when you were sad and wanted to feel comforted. It was killing him not to reach over and wrap you in his arms. He knew you well enough not to push you to talk, you'd talk when you were ready, but watching you huddled up on the opposite end of the couch and hearing your voice crack when you apologized was enough to break his heart. He hated seeing you like this especially because there was nothing he could do to ease your pain and the thought killed him.

Bucky reached for the remote on the coffee table shutting the tv off. Neither of you had been watching the movie anyways. Turning to face you he frowned as he tried to understand what you were apologizing for. Since arriving at his apartment almost an hour ago conversation had been light and infrequent. Searching for the right words and coming up empty he sighed.

"You have nothing to apologize for, Y/N."

You could feel the tears threatening to fall and you struggled to keep it together in front of Bucky. It wasn't as if you hadn't cried in front of him before because you had, but something about this time felt different.

"I do. I'm ruining movie night and... I..." Your words dropped off, your voice faltering as the tears you tried so hard not to let fall began to roll down your cheeks.

"Y/N," his voice was soft, too soft for you almost didn't hear him.

Feeling the couch shift underneath his weight as he moved closer you felt his arms wrap protectively around your shoulders. Leaning into him you buried your head in his chest letting the tears fall freely now as you felt his hand rub small circles against your back.

"It's okay, shhh I'm right here, it's okay." The words fell from his lips like a mantra.

Your fingers curled around the soft material of his shirt as the tears fell faster. Being wrapped up in his arms like this made you feel protected and cared for and you wanted to tell him what was wrong, but the words were stuck in the back of your throat. 

You weren't sure how long you stayed curled up in Bucky's arms crying, but eventually your tears slowed leaving his shirt soaked and your throat dry.

"I'm sorry about your shirt," you mumbled against his chest, and you were.

Despite the current situation Bucky felt his lips curl up into a small smile. Of course that's what you would be worried about. Something stupid like his shirt.

"I don't care about the shirt, Y/N," he said, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead, "I care about you. Are you okay?"

He could feel you shrug against him and the smile that had adorned his lips only moments before was replaced with a frown. He hated seeing you like this, so broken and he wished there was a way he could take away your pain.

"I... I feel so stupid," you admitted, your words coming out muffled against his shirt. "I know that... I mean I didn't love him and we weren't together for that long and... and as Natasha said she was surprised we lasted this long, and I..."

It was a struggle to get the jumbled thoughts in your head formed into coherent words that would make sense to Bucky. Aside from telling Natasha the reason for the breakup you hadn't talked about it much. It was usually so easy to talk to him. You guys had been friends since you were kids and there were no secrets between the two of you, but for some reason talking to him about this was proving harder than you thought.

"Hey, it's okay we don't have to talk about this," he murmured as if reading your mind. The last thing Bucky wanted was to make this harder for you than it already was.

"It's okay," you muttered.

While you appreciated him being so gentle you knew that you should talk about this and not just because Natasha had told you if you didn't she was locking you out of the apartment until you did. Maybe if you opened up to him you'd feel better, doubtful, but it was worth a shot. Your voice was shaky as you struggled to put your racing thoughts into words.

"He dumped me because I wouldn't sleep with him."

The words tumbled from your lips sounding like one long word and you prayed that he got all that because you weren't sure you could repeat it. Your face was hot with embarrassment, your heart racing beneath your chest and not for the first time in your life did you wish a hole would open up and swallow you.

While it was no secret that your friends knew you were a virgin it was somewhat of a sore subject for you. You were embarrassed at your age to still be one and no matter how many times Natasha told you there was nothing wrong with it you disagreed. You weren't waiting for marriage or waiting for "the one". Nothing like that. It was more the opportunity never presented itself. You had only ever had two boyfriends.

One when you were a teenager that had resulted in a few heavy make out sessions but nothing else. It had been fine at the time, but as you got older your lack of experience began to upset you. Which was why when your ex had first started to show you attention you had jumped into a relationship with him.

It was stupid and reckless. Sure, at the time being with him and pleasuring him and having him touch you had felt good, but now all you felt were regrets and embarrassment at being so desperate. Deep down you had known he wasn't the right guy, but that hadn't stopped you from rushing into things. Part of you was glad you hadn't slept with him, but another part of you wondered if maybe you should have. At least you wouldn't still have been a virgin and maybe if you had he wouldn't have dumped you.

The sound of Bucky's angry voice broke you out of your deep thoughts. "'M gonna kill him. Fuckin' asshole. You deserve better than him, sweetheart. If he really cared about you he wouldn't have broken up with you cause you're a virgin. Hated him from the moment you introduced us."

You didn't have to look at Bucky to know that he was seeing red. "You're not gonna kill him because he's not worth it, Bucky," you whispered.

"He may not be worth it, but you are, Y/N. He had you locked in your room for how many days crying over him. He has you thinking there's something wrong with you because you're still a virgin. He deserves to have his ass kicked for hurting you."

Bucky shook his head not understanding how you could let him get away with this. He swore if he ever saw him he'd punch him in the face. You deserved someone who loved you and the fact that you wasted so many months on him made him so angry.

"You're not gonna kick his ass either, Bucky," you said, a small smile curving your lips up. Despite the subject matter you couldn't help the giggle that tumbled from your lips.

"Huh. Who knew talking about kicking his ass would be what got you to smile," Bucky teased. Pressing his lips lightly to your forehead he was glad to see you smiling even if it was only for a couple of minutes.

The lightened mood and your smile didn't last. It didn't take long for your mood to shift as your mind continued to ask the what ifs. What if you had just slept with him? What if your next boyfriend did the same thing to you? What if... what if... what if... Your mind couldn't seem to stop and before you knew it tears were pooling at your eyes and you lifted your hand up to quickly swipe them away.

"Hey, come on don't cry. He's not worth it, Y/N," Bucky whispered, his hands reaching up to cup your face, the pads of his thumbs brushing away your tears.

Knowing there was nothing he could do to take away your pain or say to you make you feel better left his heart feeling as if someone had broken it into a thousand little pieces.

"Hey, shhh it's okay please don't cry, honey," he tried again, desperate to ease your pain. Pressing soft kisses to your forehead and your cheeks. "Tell me how to make this better, please Y/N."

"Sleep with me." The words were out of your mouth before you had a chance to think them through or take them back. You felt Bucky's hands drop from your face and you felt your stomach drop. There were so many things you wanted to say. That you were just kidding, that you were sorry, that you could explain, but nothing came out and as an awkward silence fell over you the only sound you could hear was your heart racing beneath your chest and your shaky breath.

It was a game of chicken, who was going to speak first. Bucky knew that he should say something, he could see you retreating back into yourself, could see the tears falling down your cheeks faster, could almost hear you berating yourself for saying anything in the first place. He knew he had to say something and quick before you bolted out of the apartment, but he had to be so careful here. He didn't want to say the wrong thing and risk you getting more hurt than you already were.

Reaching for your hands he let out a breath when you didn't pull away like he had expected you to.

"Y/N," he started, struggling to choose his words. "I'm not takin' advantage of you like that."

Bucky was met with silence and taking that as a good sign he gently brushed a strand of hair behind your ear. After a couple of minutes of quiet however he was beginning to question if your silence was such a good thing after all.

"Look at me, please?" He pleaded.

You couldn't. You couldn't stand to look at him and see the pity reflected back in his eyes. It would break your heart and it was already so shattered you weren't sure how much more pain you could take. Had you been in a better frame of mind you would have appreciated his gentlemanly approach of turning you down given your current state. But you weren't in a better frame of mind and you took his refusal to heart thinking there was something wrong with you. When you had left your apartment you didn't think your night could have gotten any worse. How wrong you had been.

"You planning on ignornin' me the rest of the night?" He asked, a hint of his Brooklyn accent seeping through. His attempt at a joke did little to ease the tension in the room.

Dropping hold of your hands he placed two fingers under you chin, tilting it up and forcing you to look at him. "Talk to me." His voice was commanding and you found yourself squirming under his intense gaze.

You didn't see any pity reflected back in his eyes, but that still didn't make this any easier.

"There's nothing to talk about. I-I shouldn't have... shouldn't have said anything." You lifted your shoulder in a shrug as if that explained everything.

Bucky wasn't letting you off the hook however and when you saw him narrow his blue grey eyes you sighed in frustration.

"You said... you begged me to tell you how to make this better and then when I do you turn me down!" There was a tremor in your voice and you hated how you couldn't seem to stop crying.

"I turned you down because you've been cryin' over that asshole since you came over here! This really how you want your first time to go? Huh?" He asked. There was an edge to his voice you weren't quite used to. It was rare for you guys to fight and you were struggling to find your voice. His grip tightened on your chin when you didn't answer him.

"Y-yes," you stuttered, a small hint of uncertainty lacing your words, but you weren't going to back down. This was what you wanted even if the circumstances weren't exactly ideal.

Bucky didn't say anything. Part of him was surprised that you had said yes, he had been expecting you to come to your senses and realize he had only said no to protect you. Letting go of your chin he reached for your hand, pulling you up from the couch as he led you to his bedroom.

You were quiet as you trailed after him.

This was what you wanted. Sure, you were wearing a ratty sweatshirt and your face was puffy from hours of crying. And you may have been wearing your least appealing bra and underwear, but none of that mattered you told yourself. It didn't matter what you looked like or where you were or what you wearing. All that mattered was that you were ready and you were with someone you trusted. And both of those things were true with Bucky. Soon you'd be rid of your virginity and you could move on with your life. At least that's what you tried to tell yourself as you struggled to ignore the little voice in the back of your mind telling you this was a bad idea.

So lost in your head you gasped in surprise when you felt your back make contact with Bucky's bed. You weren't given a chance to fully catch up because the next thing you noticed were Bucky's lips on yours, his body hovering over you, one hand gripping tightly to your waist while the other cupped your cheek, tilting your head just so. His lips moved over yours with a passion you weren't quite accustomed to.

It was intoxicating and overwhelming and you couldn't stop the whimper that escaped when you felt his tongue slipping past your parted lips.

This wasn't the first time you and Bucky had kissed. When you guys were teenagers you had shared chaste kisses during games of spin the bottle and truth or dare. Those kisses had been sweet and short. And once or twice you guys had shared tipsy kisses on New Years Eve.

This kiss was something else entirely. It was hot and rough and it left you feeling dizzy and breathless and confused. You struggled to catch your breath once Bucky pulled back, but you weren't given a chance when you felt his teeth nipping at your bottom lip, his tongue swiping to soothe the slight stinging. Your brain was working overtime to catch up to all the new sensations and when you felt his fingers dip under the hem of your sweatshirt you knew you had to slow things down.

"B-Bucky," you gasped, struggling to get his name out in between kisses.

It was so hard to focus on slowing down when you could feel his fingers inching up your stomach. His touch was gentle so different from what your ex boyfriend had been like. God, here you were making out with Bucky, getting ready to sleep with him and all you could think about was your ex boyfriend. Maybe Bucky had a point and tonight wasn't the right night. After all how were you supposed to be present and focus on losing your virginity when you couldn't stop thinking about your ex? This night just continued to turn into a disaster.

Bucky groaned when he heard his name tumble from your lips in a breathy gasp. Fuck. This wasn't how this night was supposed to turn out. He had expected you to back out by now, to realize that you weren't ready for this he did not expect you to be moaning his name and letting out these breathy little whimpers that were making him grow hard. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He had meant what he said earlier, he wasn't going to take advantage of you like this. No matter how good all of this felt. His ma had raised him better than that.

His fingers continued to inch higher and the feeling was enough to bring you back to your senses albeit slowly. It took a couple more minutes for the hazy fog to clear from your mind and when it did you pulled your kiss stained lips away from his, your chest rising and falling as you struggled to catch your breath.

"B-Bucky stop,” you gasped.

"Having second thoughts, sweetheart? Thought you wanted to do this tonight?" Bucky asked.

There was a smugness to his voice that pissed you off and had you narrowing your eyes, not that he could see given it was still dark in his room. Sliding his hand out from underneath your sweatshirt he rolled off of you, reaching over to his bedside table he flipped a light on bathing the room in a soft yellow glow. His blue grey eyes drank in your appearance. Your sweatshirt was twisted and crumpled around your body, your lips were plump and kiss stained and he couldn't take his eyes off of you.

“I did. I do. I just...” You said, your voice shaking as you struggled to keep it together. Running a hand through your hair you struggled to gather your racing thoughts.

As hard as you tried not to think about it you could still taste him on your lips. The taste of bitter beer and pizza. You could still feel his hand gripping onto your hip. Could hear the way his breath had hitched when his name came tumbling out of your lips.

None of those thoughts were helping to clear up the confusion you were feeling. His words echoed in your mind and you struggled to figure out how you guys had ended up here. Yes, you had been the one to ask him to sleep with you. And yes he had been the one who had initially turned you down saying he hadn’t wanted to take advantage of you. But... that didn’t explain the turn of events that had led the two of you to his darkened bedroom to make out. And it certainly didn’t explain why he was sitting next to you with a smug look on his face when you had been the one to put a stop to things.

“James,” you started. His first name spilling from your lips sounded foreign to your own ears.

The only times you called him that was when you were mad or you wanted to annoy him. Glancing over at him you watched him swallow, a sheepish look adorning his features and you narrowed your eyes at him. “You wanna explain what the hell you’re doing?” Your tone was icy and not for the first time that night did you wish you had just stayed home.

“I didn’t think you were gonna follow me,” he mumbled under his breath.

He was so screwed. What had seemed like such a foolproof plan earlier had blown up in his face and he was now left struggling to explain his actions to you.

Running a hand over his face he let out a deep breath. “I knew you weren’t ready to have sex tonight and I tried telling you that Y/N, but you didn’t listen. I thought if I agreed you’d chicken out before we even made it to the bedroom.”

“So... so you... Jesus, Bucky!” You yelled. The confusion you felt earlier was turning to anger as his words rang in your ears and you put the pieces together. “So what were you going to do if I hadn’t stopped? Sleep with me even though you were the one who said you weren’t going to because you didn’t want to take advantage of me?”

“What? No! Y/N come on you know I wouldn’t have let it get to that,” he tried to explain. “I fucked up, okay? I thought I was doin’ the right thing. You weren’t listening to me and I couldn’t stand to see you so upset over that fuckin’ asshole.”

Reaching across the bed for your hands Bucky sighed when you pulled away from his touch.

Your head was spinning as you got off his bed, your feet moving across his floor as you paced back and forth.

“No. No,” you said again.

You were getting more and more angry as the seconds ticked past. Angry at your ex, angry at Bucky, angry at yourself, angry at the world and society.

Stopping your pacing you turned to him lifting an accusatory finger in his direction. Tears were threatening to spill from your eyes again and you were angry about that too. How much more could you really have left to cry? The answer was a lot as the tears you tried so hard to hold back began to fall down your warm cheeks.

“Don’t you dare James Buchanan Barnes,” you yelled, his full name spewing from your lips in anger and frustration. “You do not get to tell me when I’m ready to have sex or not. That is not your fucking decision. Do you understand me? You had no right to tell me you weren’t gonna sleep with me and then two minutes later change your fucking mind and say okay and drag me into your room and... and make out with me only then to change your mind again in some sick game you’re playing to get me to realize I wasn’t ready in the first place. God, Bucky do you realize how fucked up that this? I-I...”

“Y/N,” Bucky whispered softly.

He had never seen you like this before. Sure, he had seen you angry and upset, but nothing like this. You were standing in the middle of his room as violent sobs racked your body. You were a mess and he was at least partly to blame for it.

In a flash he was up and off the bed as he wrapped his arms around you. Fighting against his touch you attempted to shove him away, your fists slamming against his hard chest as the tears continued to fall and you yelled at him not to touch you, but all Bucky did was wrap his arms tighter around you. Soft ‘it’s okays’ and ‘I’ve got yous’ spilling from his lips.

“I hate you,” you sobbed, “And I hate him so fucking much.”

Bucky didn’t say anything. There was nothing he could say to make you feel better. He knew he had to let you get this out of your system, that this was what you needed. And when he felt your knees start to give out he caught you and carried you back to his bed. His hands never strayed far from your body, his lips pressing delicate kisses to the top of your head, your forehead, your cheeks, the shell of your ear in between hushed murmurs of ‘I’m sorrys’ and ‘it’s gonna be okays’ and ‘I’m here ‘I’m not going anywhere  Y/N.’

The combination of Bucky’s quiet voice and the feeling of his hand rubbing small circles against your back began to bring you back down. Exhaustion wracked your body. All you wanted to do was fall asleep and forget about this night and your ex and the past week. Better yet you wish you had a time machine so that you had never met him in the first place. Your eyes stung from the near constant crying you had done and your throat felt scratchy. Sniffling you curled your body against Bucky’s. You were still pissed at him, but he was familiar, comforting and that was all you wanted right now.

“It’s gonna be okay, Y/N, I promise. ‘M gonna make this better. ‘M gonna fix this.”

Your eyes drifted shut as sleep settled over your exhausted body.