Mana ngwen polne mai náne [Unfinished - Discontinued]

When Nerdanel took the dirty clothes, water and sponge out of Fëanáro’s- Fëanor’s, she had to remind herself. He was Fëanor. He was someone from… He was her husband, but not truly. He had seen, done things that lead to dire consequences.

He was Fëanor. Fëanor, Fëanor, Fëanor!

Not Fëanáro. Not hers.

He was someone else’s.

Letting a sob through her gritted teeth, Nerdanel dumped the basket and its contents into the pile of unwashed clothes. It was already growing in size again, she will have to do something about it later. Once she has an idea what to do about Fëanor. But does she- Can she do anything about it? Him? He is the same as she always knew him.

No. His fëa, their bond is nowhere. It’s just the hröa now. His hröa, with a fëa that exist, yet not theirs. This whole thing is messing with her. How can someone’s fëa just… Disappear? Enter into another of its hröa? From a different time and a different Arda? How could Ilúvatar be so cruel? If this was him. But, if not him who else? Even with the powers the Valar had, surely they couldn’t do something like this.

“Pull yourself together Nerdanel. Náro is not gone. You can reverse this.” But the question of how remains. How long until their fëa switches back? Until someone notices from Fëanor’s time that he is- Well, missing. What then? Their children- Oh Ilúvatar, their children!

Nerdanel let her back hit the wall. She slid down, clutching the edge of her skirt. Their children, how could she forget them? They know not what happened to their father. It is bad enough that Enyo might have caught on to it. He might have told Meda. At least, Nerdanel hopes, she won’t tell the others. None of them need a small army of young elflings crying because they don’t understand why their father, their uncle is different.

“You have got this. It will turn out fine.” Wiping away the tears, she tried to calm her breathing. “He is still Náro. Has mostly the same memories. And you have a week to make him catch up to things. You’ve got this!” Hissing the last parts, Nerdanel stood and walked over to the water basin. Deciding to tidy up her face and hair, she splashed water onto her closed eyes. Gently rubbing her skin and letting the water cool it down. Her fingers brushing through her hair and combing it into a more acceptable shape.

She will have to be calm. To hold it together. If not for herself, then for their children.

“I can only hope the Valar know how to fix this. Or the reason why this happened.”

Looking more presentable, Nerdanel walked back upstairs, nodding to both nís. The two remained behind after she had left, talking to Náro. She too, had wanted to stay, but her mother had urged her on. Saying it would be for the best. That she needed to calm down, and think with a clear mind. Panicking won’t solve this, and will only make everyone more on edge.

Well, she was right about that one. She was calmer, and could feel her children’s excitement if she tuned in on them. They were preparing a meal, a big one, if the smells and chatter coming from the kitchen was any indication. She will bring it up, and then let them see Fëanor tomorrow. After she had told him all that is important.

“Nerdanel, seldenya[1]. Are you feeling better?” Tanondile had asked, wrapping her arms around her.

“Better.” She had confirmed, pulling strength from the two nís. “The children are cooking. And I decided to talk with Fëanor. Before bringing him his food. I thought we could get a start on things.”

Indis only nodded. Her ammë let go of her and kissed her forehead. “Once he is better, both in mind and body, we can go to the Valar.”

“Not Manwë.”

“Not Manwë,” agreed the Queen. “I think we should start with the Fëanturi. If they know anything, there will be no need to head to Manwë.”

Tanondile hugged her daughter again, before taking Indis’ hand and dragging the Vanya downstairs. To either help their children, make more of a mess with the younger ones, or to just sit on the side-lines, Nerdanel knew not. She, however, knew she had to talk with him now. Or else that small strength and courage she had gathered might disappear.

Stopping in front of the open door, Nerdanel took a deep breath. “You can do this. It will be fine. Everything will be fine.” Pushing the handle down and opening the door, Nerdanel found Fëanor in the middle of the bed, back against the frame, eyes closed.

He looked up at her, and Nerdanel couldn’t help the warm feeling that spread through her chest when he smiled. Even if it was just a little. It cemented the feeling that it will all turn out alright.

“Nerdanel, are you feeling better?”

“I’m… Better. Despite this-” she motioned towards him and then gestured to her body, “-I think I’m fine.” Joining him on the bed, Nerdanel grabbed a glass of water and handed it to him. “Drink. You have been sleeping for two weeks now.”

Fëanor took the glass and eyed it. Twisting the cup in his healthy hand, he sighed and took a sip. “How should… What…”

Nerdanel waited. She had a feeling about what Fëanor wanted to ask, but she will let him finish it. Just like she always did. Just like they all did.

“I don’t know where we should- What should I ask. Do you know how I- That is, he ended up like this?”

Nerdanel chuckled. At least both versions of her husband were bold when they finally found the words. “I only know what our children told us.”

“…yours…”

“Hm?”

“T-they are yours.” He repeated. “Yours and this… version? Of me.”

There it was again. “Náro, listen to me closely. Despite the differences-”

“Differences that matter. That I can’t ignore, no matter how hard I try.”

“We are your family. Here, and there too.” She ignored his input for now. They will deal with that later. Once it all got better. ”I won’t pretend to know what happened to you. I won’t pretend to ignore that my husband has different memories, or memories of the future, or that his fëa is not his.” Nerdanel told him in a hushed voice. “But you are my husband. Someone I love. Someone I care for. Someone, who-“ she shook her head, not wanting to say anything else. “You are a father. A brother. And if we want this to not cause chaos, tears and hurt, you have to talk to me.”

A sigh. “I’m not good with words.”

“I know,” Nerdanel chuckled. “But you have been getting better with them. Letting you go on… Anyway. What I’m trying to say is, thank you for trying.”

“I-“ He was silent again. His fingers clenching and unclenching around the glass. “I don’t want to hurt them. I never wanted to hurt any of them.”

“I know.”

Fëanor sniffed, wiping at his eyes. “What happened?”

Nerdanel sighed. This was really harder than she imagined it at first. “With you?” At his nod, she took a deep breath. “You were in the forge with Arno.”

“Who? Who is Arno? Oh, I-I’m sorry I, uhm… I’ll finish talking now.”

“Our son. Arnitherindë Rautano[2].” Nerdanel answered, brows slightly raised.

“Ah.”

“I will tell you about them. About all of them.” She took the glass and placed it on the nightstand. Her hand went back to Fëanor’s, thumb gently brushing against his knuckles. “Do you mind?”

The nér[3] shook his head. “No. It- This feels nice. And you need it.”

“You and Arno were in the forges, when something went wrong,” she took a long, deep breath. Trying to calm her mind, to ease it into submission. “There was a crash, prompting our eldests – Meda and Enyo – to look into it. They found Arno standing in the door to the smithy. Meda took him to clean him up, while Enyo, Naryo and Tyelco took you up here and tried to treat your wounds.” Her voice trembled at this. She could still vividly recall the picture of her husband. Lying unconscious on their bed, bloody and barely breathing. Barely alive.

Sensing her distress, Fëanor tightened his grip on her hand. Reassuring her that it was alright. She was alright. That she was here, and he was, for the most part, fine.

“There was so much blood… Meda reached out to me through ósanwë, but it was hectic. I ran home with atya tailing after me. Laurë and Calyo were trying to calm down the twins and the girls, while Arno was glued to Meda’s side. Unresponsive.” Her voice died down, recalling her son’s terrified face and red eyes. ”Atya ran to our room, and sent for ammë, who brought Indis and my brothers. It was night by the time Meda got our boys cleaned up. She and ammë set up beds in her room, while Indis, Vanimë and Enyo worked on you. The rest helped around. Cooking, washing, sewing…” Nerdanel sniffed. “I thought we were about to lose you.”

Fëanor pulled her closer, gently brushing her hair. Whispering calming words into her ear. Trying to keep her from crying. He could only hope it would work. It seemed like it did, for Nerdanel’s breathing became more even and slower.

“According to mityamil, something must have sliced you, and it made you hit your head and drop the metal.”

‘Well, that explains my legs and torso. And if… Arno? was there with me, I could see myself trying to grab anything dangerous from hitting him.’ Fëanor thought. He would never want any of his children to get hurt. Ironic, that much.

“So we waited. Mityamil said you were doing fine. That your injuries were bad, but not- Not deadly.” She stopped again, hugging him desperately. And all he could do was hug back and kiss her hair. “You were getting better.”

“Until I woke up.” Fëanor noted sadly. He really was someone who always ruined things.

Nerdanel shook her head. “No. You heard Enyo, didn’t you? Your fëa never left your hröa. Náro, the one we know, never died. He just- Just switched… bodies with you. You did nothing wrong.”

Fëanor could only nod. He didn’t have the heart to tell her again, that he was dead. He will remind her once she was better. “Thank you.”

“But- Nothing. I think it would be better if I told you about our family. The incident isn’t something I like to remember. Or want our children to recall.”

“I understand. It must have been a shock to them all.”

The two remained in silence, holding the other and occasionally kissing each other’s temple or forehead. Nerdanel’s breath was even and calm. She had stopped crying to, and was just enjoying the feeling of the other’s breathing. Fëanor was thinking. He had hugged her, and kissed her hair to ease her pain and panic, but he couldn’t, wouldn’t do anything more. She, despite her words, wasn’t his Nerdanel. He will be the best he can be, but won’t overstep boundaries.

“Thank you.”

“It was nothing.” Brushing a lock of her hair out of her face, Fëanor reassumed to hold her hand as she moved to sit next to him.

“Our family, then?”

“Yes. I’d like to know them before… Before they come in?”

Nerdanel couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m sure atya and ammë will keep them occupied and stop them from barging in. Quite surprised they haven’t already.”

What?

“What?”

Nerdanel only winked at him. “You’ll see. Now… I don’t know where to start.” She chuckled, shaking her head.

Fëanor hummed. He hadn’t thought about it either. He was so caught up in the situation and its unlikeliness, that he had forgotten his questions. “Maybe… I- Am I an only child?”

“No?”

At Nerdanel’s question, Fëanor raised his eyebrow. “Oh! Yeah, right. Indis.” He felt stupid. This version of himself was, had a big family. His relationship with his half-siblings was great. No stupid gem to overshadow it. No guilt, anger and fear to ruin and taint it.

“And your ammë.”

Nerdanel watched as Fëanor blinked. His eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly, small wrinkled sat out on his forehead. His mouth slowly opened, just enough to show he was wanting to ask something, yet he didn’t. His eyes – eyes that Nerdanel fell in love with at the first sight – staring off into emptiness of the room. His lips trembled, and he finally, finally, looked back at her with cloudy eyes. “M-my ammë?”

Nerdanel slowly nodded, hands clasping the nér’s. “Your ammë, before she arrived to Aman, had a daughter.” Nerdanel’s voice was quiet. Her eyes studying his movements. “Your sister is downstairs. With her child.” Articulating the words slowly and carefully, Nerdanel let Fëanor breath. Let the information, which clearly shook him, settle in. But while Fëanor continued to bite is lip and stare forward, Nerdanel began to think.

Her eyes focused on Fëanor, and she let her thoughts out to entertain them. It was clear that Fëanor had some… problems? His life was different, and not because of the situation he was currently in. How bad did things turn out for him to consider murder?

“I… Uhm, how?”

“What how?” Her brows furrowed. “I’d hope you know how children came to be?”

Fëanor’s cheeks turned slightly pink. “N-not that. I meant, my sister. How did she came to be? I didn’t have one back there…”

Nerdanel sighed. “I don’t know… Your sister is… She is very kind, but I sometimes think- She acts-“ Nerdanel grunted. “Sometimes, I get the feeling that she, that she knows things. Or-or just… Agh! I don’t know how to say it. She knows many things, and looks out for all of us.” The nís gripped her skirt. Her tatyesésa[4] did indeed know many things. Some that came to pass, and some that didn’t. And with her husband’s fëa… Doing this, Nerdanel wanted nothing more than to talk to her.

She heard Fëanor as he hummed, fingers drumming against the glass. “Okay… Did- Indis, uhm… Mityamil? I mean…” The nér sighed and bit his lip.

“Náro, is everything alright?”

“Ye-“ You have to talk to me. Nerdanel had said. But could he? Should he tell her? “I- I’ll tell you later. Once things are better.”

Nerdanel nodded, though her eyes kept glancing at him. “Whenever you are ready.”

Fëanor nodded. “Thank you. It’s just… I have a sister? This is-“ Fëanor scratched the side of his face. “Weird.” He settled on finally. “I don’t- That is, I’m not great with my ha- With my, my siblings. I never had an older sister.” Nerdanel caressed his arm. She wanted to reach out, to cradle him into her chest and tell him it will all be okay. But Fëanor had to get this out. And the sooner, the better. “I mean… Findis tried, something. But… I wasn’t, I couldn’t…” He let his head fall into his palm, groaning. “I’m a mess. A disappointment.”

Nerdanel carefully turned Fëanor’s chin, so that he was facing her way. “Fëanor, look at me.” Her thumb moving across his cheek, her other hand squeezing the nér’s good one. “You are not a disappointment. Never had been, never will be.”

“But-“

“It’s in the past. It passed. You can only do better now. You have to grow and learn to let others in.” She smiled, despite her mind whispering the words the nér told her, them. Betrayals, kinslayings, hate and blood. They will need to get over this. They have to. “As long as you want to do better, as long as you want to atone for your actions. To take away the suffering, to heal. You are not a disappointment.” She had brought him into a hug after that, letting him rest his head on her shoulder, while she ran her fingers through his messy black hair. She even started to hum at one point, kissing his temple and hair softly, while Fëanor sniffed into her shirt.

Once the nér pulled away, and Nerdanel whipped away the tears, and made him drink some more, the two settled back. Next to each other, with her hands cupping his good one. “So, how did Indis and mityamil come to be?” Fëanor asked hoarsely.

Nerdanel glanced at him, from behind her lashes, but decided to continue. She didn’t want to push him if he wasn’t ready. “That was you, actually. After… Things, the two of you became close, with the help of your sister. And you proposed to call her that.”

“We weren’t close before?” Fëanor looked puzzled. He has assumed that this version of him was close with his, other side of the family. Had he been wrong?

“From what I can remember, it was a surprise to you both. Having Indis marry Finwë. And while your sister, Ina had met with her at one point, it was during a visit. And she only saw her, never spoke to her before the wedding.”

“You can say that.” She ignored his mumbled words. They will get to the bottom of the issues. And Nerdanel already had a great idea where to start. With whom to start.

“You weren’t happy with it. But, something changed.” She continued, recalling how both children of Finwë were regarding Indis before and after. “I don’t know what, you’ll have to ask Indis about this. But one day, things were becoming better. You talked with your siblings, and you spent time with them. And it didn’t take Ina to drag you there. And one day, you proposed to me.” She couldn’t help the smile that was forming on her lips. ”I was- It was sudden. I remember, I thought you have forgotten about me. But one day, you came into the forge and pulled out a necklace.” She touched said jewellery, letting the light of Laurelin glisten on the precious gems before showing it to Fëanor. “You recited a poem you wrote. You were as red by the time you finished it as my hair.” She noted how this version of her husband went red too. “Did you-“

“I, uhm… I might have, done something similar. Back- back where I’m from.”

Nerdanel couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her mouth. It was a hearty one, full of happiness and joy. Fëanor joined in on it too. It seemed so… Silly now. He was standing there, blushing, tripping over his words while he declared his love for Nerdanel, for the whole forge to see.

“Well, I’m happy that you have your romantic side. Even there. After that, there wasn’t really much to do. We married quickly, not waiting for the proper courting years or engagement years to wear off. And before I even know it, I was pregnant.”

Fëanor nodded. He had married his Nerdanel quickly too. Not wanting to wait anymore, when she was perfect and everything he had ever dreamt off. She was amazing, and they worked so well together he saw no need to prolong it.

“I remember when Nerdanel told me. I don’t know what you did, but she had placed a cabbage near my working desk. And when I asked her, she just smiled. And told me I might need to pack my tools higher. Once our little one was here.” Fëanor chuckled. He could still remember the feeling when he put two and two together. The joy that followed, that he will become a father. That he will have someone to teach. That he will have an heir. That was something he wasn’t proud of.

“I did something similar. Although my cabbage was two, not one. Something I never really knew the reason behind, until our twins were born.” She smiled at the memory. Suddenly holding two small elflings instead of the one she was dreaming and having visions about. “But, you said our Naryo was your first?”

Her question brought Fëanor back. Slowly, he nodded. “Yes. He was born a decade later, after our wedding. I wonder why?”

“A decade?”

“I- Uhm, yes?”

“Our twins were born not a year after our wedding. Did you and her not…” She trailed off, waiting for an answer.

“I- We did, before the wedding. After- After I made a fool of myself in front of your father. His apprentices, friends. My friends.”

“I wouldn’t call it that. You married me.”

A dumbfounded smile appeared on Fëanor’s face. “Yeah, I did.” Their wedding was something he treasured, and will treasure forever.

“So Naryo was the first?” The nís asked, directing the conversation back to their families.

“Ah, yes. My Nerdanel always wanted daughters, or just one. I could never give her that.” He did regret it. Not trying harder for a daughter. Perhaps it was better this way, not having the pain of losing her. It may have led to more deaths.

“I guess starting with the twins would be a good idea then. If you don’t have any other suggestions?”

“I- No.” Fëanor shook his head. He will ask about his… Relationships regarding his siblings later. Ask about her sister. Ilúvatar, he had an older sister! He still couldn’t wrap his head around that. But for now, he wanted to get to know his children. “Hearing about the children will do fine now.”

“Well, I suppose we should start with the twins then.” Seeing a nod of confirmation, Nerdanel leaned back against the headboard and started talking.

[1] my daughter

[2] arya + ni = better me; rauta + tano = metal smith

[3] elf man

[4] tatya + es(e) + nésa = eldest sister in law