Nightmares
“You should not sleep here, you will catch cold.”
The voice was soft but just loud enough to wake you from your slumber. Your eyes snapped open surveying the darkness, but no threat was detected. Maybe I imagined it? You remained still, keeping your breathing as shallow as possible, waiting to see if what you heard was real or in your head.
“If you must stay, at least take a blanket.”
A small, dark piece of fabric fell near your feet, bringing a tiny hint of warmness to your toes. If it wasn’t for that you wouldn’t have realized you were cold.
“I will keep guard of the doors. No one else will come in here tonight.”
With that, you heard footsteps retreating and after some time the soft thud of a door. After a few minutes of pure silence, you glanced around the room again. With your eyes now beginning to adjust to the darkness you could make out the outlines of shelves, desks, and books. I’m in a library? It took a few minutes but your brain finally pieced together your situation. I had a nightmare. I must have run here and fallen asleep. You carefully shifted slightly from your hiding spot between one of the shelves and a rather large column, reaching down to grab the blanket from your feet. Upon closer inspection, the blanket was a greenish colour you recognized instantly. Loki. Your gaze turned towards the entrance of the library wondering how long it had taken for him to find you. This wasn’t the first time you had cowered in the library, but this hiding spot was definitely new. The guilt washed over you like a tidal wave. Ever since you came to Asgard, all you had been to him was trouble. The nightmares, your powers, and now staying guard all night so you could sleep, all you were was a burden. Why would anyone go through all that for me? You could feel the tears running down your cheeks but your hands and gaze remained on the blanket in front of you. All of them, they do so much for me. Why? Your thoughts shifted to Frigga, Heimdall, even Thor was understanding of you, challenging anyone who even looked at you the wrong way. Why? You brought the blanket up to your shoulders, taking in the warmth before emerging from your hiding spot. I need to know.
You slowly made your way through the library, keeping along the walls as much as possible. Finally, the large doors of the library came into view. You felt your momentum slow as you neared the doors. The little bit of courage you had built up fading quickly. You paused about a meter away from the doors, biting your lip as you contemplated your next move.
“Lo-i? Y-u on ga-rd –uty ton-ght?”
The voice startled you backward, your back hitting a nearby table. You quickly scrambled under it, throwing the blanket over your head and curling into a tight ball. You knew they must have heard the noise, and waited for the doors to be thrown open and guards to come piling into the room.
“Fa-her sa-s it b-ilds cha—cter?”
You could hear Loki’s voice on the other side of the door, continuing the conversation as if nothing happened. There was a pause. Maybe they didn’t hear me?
“Sh-uld-t y-u che-k th-t no-se?”
They did hear me. Even though the blanket was over your head you squeezed your eyes shut, willing yourself to disappear. You waited for the doors to open but instead heard Loki’s voice again.
“Ar- y-u –ot su-pos-d t- be do-ng yo-r ro-nds?”
There was another pause as you held your breath.
“O- cou-se, m- pri-ce.”
With that, you heard the distinct sounds of an armoured guard retreating from the door. You slowly let out your breath. There was a few moments of silence before Loki spoke again, slightly louder.
“I told you I would guard the door. No one will get in tonight.”
Your head peeked out from under the blanket, your gaze falling on the closed doors. He knew the noise was me. You slowly crawled out from under the table, repositioning the blanket over your shoulders and hugging it around your body. I need to know. You took a deep breath, trying to regain some courage from before. You quietly approached the door, taking a seat on the floor with your back against the stone door frame.
“Thank you.”
Your voice was barely a whisper, you doubt even someone next to you would have heard it. You took a breath, trying to calm your nerves enough to speak louder.
“It is no trouble.”
Loki’s voice nearly made you jump. How did he hear me?
“If it helps you sleep, I can keep guard each night.”
You felt the tears begin to fall again.
“Why?”
You bit your lip to keep the sobs from escaping your throat. You felt the smallest trickle of blood run down your chin, as the too familiar taste of blood began to fill your mouth, but you simply ignored it.
“You are my friend. I do not wish to see you hurt, or in pain. If this is what I can do to help, then I shall do it until you no longer need it.”
You flinched. You hadn't realized you asked the question out loud. How many times have I spoken a private thought? Was this the first time? How do I stop? Am I speaking now? The thoughts suddenly stopped as your brain finally processed what Loki had just said. You repeated each word like a chant. He’s my friend. He does it because he is my friend? You paused, wondering if any of your thoughts actually made it past your lips. The library remained silent as did Loki. You tried to compile all your thoughts, there was still so much you didn’t understand.
“You would do that for any of your friends?”
Once again, the library fell into silence, and you wondered if you had actually spoken or just thought the question. You opened your mouth to speak again but were quickly caught off.
“I do not know. You are my first real friend.”
It wasn’t the words so much as the sadness and loneliness you heard in Loki’s voice that caused your heart to ache. His voice sounded exactly how you felt all those years in the dungeon. And it was at that moment you realized you never wanted him to feel that way. He was your friend, and if he was willing to do all that for you to feel safe, you had to at least try to do the same for him. Not just him, but everyone that was trying their best to make Asgard a home for you. You weren’t going to let your past take away from your future any longer.
“It’s probably cold. Do you want to sit with me? We can share the blanket.”
You held your breath, waiting for his response.
“Are you sure? If you wish to be alone, I will be alright.”
You paused a moment.
“I’m sure.”
Another moment of silence, then the tiniest creak from the door. The light from the hallway flooded the library, you quickly turned your eyes.
“Sorry.”
You heard another soft creak before the room once again fell into darkness. You waited to feel Loki’s presence beside you but nothing came. You slowly turned your gaze back to the door. You caught the outline of Loki, his hands were fidgeting and his gaze was locked on the floor.
“So should I... where should I...?”
You had never heard Loki sound so unsure. It was kind of cute. That gave you the tiny boost of courage you needed. You scooted a bit to the side making room for him against the wall before motioning to the spot with your hand.
“Alright.”
Loki carefully crossed the floor, sliding down the wall and before finally coming to a rest about arm's length away from you. Loki’s gaze remained on the floor for a moment before slowly rising to meet yours. His expression quickly turning to panic.
“What happened? Are you hurt?”
His arm reached out, the sudden motion causing you to flinch back. His hand quickly froze in the air just out of reach of your face.
“Sorry...it’s your...are you okay?”
His hand gestured to your face and it took a moment for you to piece it together. The blood from your bit lip must have still been on your chin. You absentmindedly rubbed a hand over your chin, wiping it away.
“I’m okay.”
“May I?”
Loki’s hand inches a tad bit closer before stopping again. You slowly nodded. Loki’s fingers gentle grazed your chin, you felt the familiar coldness as Loki wiped away what must have been left of the dried blood.
“You should be more careful, just because you can heal does not mean you should hurt yourself.”
Loki slowly pulled his hand away but kept his eyes locked on yours. You slowly nodded before dropping your eyes to the blanket on your lap.
“I’m not sure the blanket will cover us if you sit that far away.”
You held up the blanket trying to figure out if one side was longer than the other. You heard some rustling then felt the cool air. A hand slowly rose grabbing onto of the corners and pulling it to the right. You quickly adjusted your hands grabbing the other corner and pulling it over to your left. The blanket settled between the two of you, Loki now just a few centimeters away from you. The room fell into silence once more. Moments passed but neither of you moved a muscle. You realized this was the first time since the dungeon you had sat this close. You had moments of closeness since then but they were fleeting, this was different, and even though your heart was racing, you felt calm.
“I’m sorry for causing you trouble.”
You felt Loki flinch beside you.
“I thought you had fallen back asleep.”
You shook your head, the thought of sleeping now was almost impossible.
“I said it is no trouble. I am just glad I found you. I had thought you had run away. Was it another nightmare?”
You nodded. The memories from that night’s nightmare flooded back into your mind. You pulled the blanket tighter around you.
“I don’t remember coming to the library. I just remember feeling scared.”
Panic began to overwhelm you as the details of your nightmare started to return. Your hands began to shake, and you could feel the tears beginning to form behind your eyes. As if sensing your panic Loki shifted closer, taking hold of one of your hands.
“It’s alright. It doesn’t matter how you arrived at the library. I found you now and you are safe.”
You leaned into Loki’s touch as the nightmare began to fade. You slowly relaxed, your head finding its place against Loki’s shoulder. You felt him tense slightly but quickly relaxed.
“What if I have another nightmare?”
You meant to keep that thought in your head but words escaped nevertheless.
“I will find you then as well.”
It was in that moment you promised yourself you would do the same for him, no matter how scared, you were, if Loki needed you, you would be there for him too.
“If possible, bring a blanket next time, I would hate for you to catch a cold before I find you.”