Fire and Ice

There once was a girl, who went through grade school and high school, skipping grades and getting honor roll. She wasn't super-intelligent, she hated science, and barely made it through math, she excelled in creative arts and social sciences, and therefore put her time into those, her excellent grades there making up for her poor ones in science and math. After graduating with honors from high school she attended university for psychology. (This is actually hilarious looking back on what I know now) Her first year was hard, but she made it through, still excelling where she could. Her second year was a lot harder and her grades started to fall. She started to procrastinate with assignments, she wanted to start them ahead of time, even starting at a blank word document for hours trying to find the right words to start the project. But alas, nothing would come to her brain until hours before the 12 page documents were due. By year three she decided she needed a break. She applied for a job in Disney World in the spur of the moment in the middle of a German language class, half expecting them to ignore her application as a joke. ( I 100% recommend if you are in college to apply for the CP or CRP program, it is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and even if it's not a job you plan on doing your whole life it is a great real-world experience and looks great on a resume). She continued barely making it through her classes for another week before the email came in.
"Your application has been accepted. Please follow these instructions to set up an interview."
The girl stared wide-eyed at the screen. This was a lie...right? She slowly clicked on the email, ignoring whatever her professor was saying in the background about the brain, and skimmed through. (Basically, you get pre-selected from some applications then go through an interview in an actual Disney office. In my case Toronto was the closest one.) The girl was overjoyed, the program she applied for was right after completing 3rd year so she could take a year off then come back to finish school. She figured it was the break she needed. She could gain some experience, make some money, and get a fresh start when she came back. The girl didn't really tell many people aside from her best friend and parents, her siblings didn't even know, she didn't want to get everyone excited, only to not pass the next interview.
Cut to the interview. The girl loved Disney but didn't really know what to expect. She had never worked in a restaurant, which was the position she applied for and didn't have any experience in customer service. But if there was one thing she was good at, that was BSing her way through things and making people like her. (That makes me sounds full of myself, but actually, it's the opposite, I really don't like confrontation so have developed a way of changing my personality depending on the person so that I don't make them angry. Basically, I don't know what my actual personality is cause I change it so much...I probably should bring that up with my therapist...)
So the interview starts, the girl lucks out and gets the more easy-going gentleman. They mainly talk about his awesome glasses and their favourite Disney characters. (Honestly, I don't ever remember talking about my qualifications lol)
The gentleman ends the interview with.
"You would be perfect for our company, you should hear from us within the week."
The girl gives him her best hand-shake and leaves, half hoping he wasn't lying.
A week later she gets the acceptance email. She doesn't even make it through all the instructions before screaming in her room. She runs down and quickly tells her parents and siblings, who were sufficiently confused about what was happening. Everyone was super excited for her. The girl spent her classes watching youtube videos about the program and getting all the paperwork and preparations completed. She barely studied for her finals that year, too obsessed with absorbing any information she could get about the program. (Literally barely passed that year...)
The summer rushed by and the week before she left her parents threw her a going away Disney-themed party. (my dad dressed as Jack Sparrow it was great!)
The night before her plane departed she barely got any sleep. Multiple thoughts flooded her brain, mostly just pure excitement. Her parents drove her to the airport, telling her to give it her best before putting her on the plane to Florida. This was the first time she was away from home. She had done overnight trips before, she even spent a week in Europe for a school trip once. But a whole year away, that was a first. Even in university she still lived at home. (Yay for having a university in my hometown.)
Her first week went by in a flash, orientation, initiations, friends, all of it was so exciting. For the first few months, everything was great, she made new friends, had some hang-outs, was one of the hardest working cast members in my area. Christmas rolled around and although her activities outside of work dwindled she still took any shift she could at work, filling as much free time as she could with her job. She moved up to the highest position as quickly as she could, becoming a server, in one of the highest-rated restaurants in Disney World. All in all, everything seemed okay, she was working, and happy, and got to spend days off in Disney World. Oh, and she got a boyfriend. Everything was looking up. but nothing great could last forever.
Around March, about halfway through her program, her motivations began to dwindle. Instead of taking shifts, she gave them away, and when she did work she wasn't as chipper as before. Her boyfriend started to grow distant. And news from home just put more pressure on her.
"Grandpa isn't doing well. Expect a call soon."
That was all she heard from her mom. It sent her into a spiral. She locked herself in her room, only leaving to work or to see her boyfriend who at this point she knew was cheating on her. (Yep, he was an A+ dude. Did I know he was cheating? Yep. Did I leave him....Nope....Once again another problem for my therapist.)
It finally got so bad my manager at work took me aside and asked if anything was wrong. I denied everything and said I was fine. (You know, like a liar) She tried to be understanding but said if I didn't step it up at work they would let me go. That lit the fire under my ass a little bit. I got back to being a little more chipper at work, occasionally taking an extra shift. But then the week of my birthday came. And I got another call from my mom.
"You need to come home, Grandpa is gone."
Any hope of getting back to my regular self was crushed. and on my birthday I flew home for his funeral. (So Disney does give time off for things like this so I was still a part of my program)
The girl's dad picked her up directly from the airport to bring her to the funeral home, bringing a simple black dress from her to change into in the car. The whole time she was numb. (Honestly, I don't remember much of the funeral, other than my sister had blue hair, so something was going on with her, and my brother just dropped out of university, so something was going on with him. A+ mental health in this family)
There were a few questions about how her experience was going but the girl brushed it off, saying it was great. After about a week the girl headed back to Florida but this time she knew she couldn't keep up the act. She pulled her manager aside and explained that she couldn't be a server anymore, and instead would like to go back to an easier job. (Normally they don't allow this but given the circumstances they did. Bless my manager who knew something was up even when I didn't admit it.)
So the girl went back to her first job, scooping popcorn and being a hostess in the restaurant. Honestly, she thought everything was going to be okay. Until she remembered her boyfriend. (Yep the cheating bastard is still in the picture)
At this point the girl knew for a fact he was cheating on her, in fact, his roommate actually texted her about it, telling her in case she didn't know. However, she couldn't build up the courage to leave him, even when he confirmed going out and having sex with other girls. (Yep I can really pick them. Honestly, I have no idea why I didn't beat his ass and leave him. Looking back I wish I could beat some sense into my past self, like seriously!)
The lying and cheating continued for a few more months, eating away at the girl from the inside. Once again, she could barely work, calling out of as many shifts as possible, and begging her boyfriend to spend time with her. It was near the end of her program that everything just became too much. She couldn't take it anymore, the threat of being fired, her boyfriend, her friends who were only trying to help but only made things worse. She broke down, calling her mom in tears, begging her to bring her home. It took nearly an hour but her mom calmed her down and convinced her to tell her manager everything. The girl built up her courage and on her day off went to work to talk to her manager. The manager took her to her office where the girl quickly broke down in tears, everything she felt over the past year just fell out of her mouth. She didn't know how much was even coherent at that point but the words kept coming out. The manager slowly took the girl into her arms, hushing her softly. (Honestly don't remember much of this conversation, there was crying, and me saying my boyfriend cheated on me over and over, that's about all I remember before this next part.)
"It's okay, it's okay. What do you need?"
"I...I...I want to go home."
The manager nodded before pulling away, grabbing some tissues, and passing them to the girl. She walked over to the computer and typed in some letters staring at the screen in silence for a few minutes. The girl slowly began to calm down, her sobs coming to stop.
"Can you do two more weeks? Two weeks, and I can move your graduation to then so you still complete the program. I don't want you to give up. Especially cause of a boy." (At this point it looked like she would kill my boyfriend for me. Bless her.)
The girl nodded slowly, clutching the tissue in her hand.
"Okay."
The manager clicked a few things on her computer before printing out a piece of paper she handed to the girl.
"This has your new information. I need to check on the restaurant. You stay here as long as you need. I will put a sign on the door. If you need anything let me know."
The girl nodded and with that, the manager left. The girl stood in the room for a few minutes before sneaking out back home. The girl spent the next two weeks to herself, just leaving her room to work. She stopped texting her boyfriend. (Yes still boyfriend at this point...)
The two weeks felt like months but she made it through. She quietly attended her graduation from the program and only met with her boyfriend to get her stuff from his place. (At this point he just thought I was getting it cause I had to leave. He thought nothing was wrong. The jerk!)
She headed home on a plane the next night. (Honestly, I'm so mad at myself for this. I ruined a great experience, granted not 100% my fault but that does not stop me from feeling bad)
Back at home things didn't change, although she did break up with her boyfriend, which she blamed on distance, any passion she had was gone. It was like she was just going through the motions. Heading to class, barely completing assignments. Even dance class, which used to bring her joy was a chore to her. That is when she discovered BTS. (Fellow ARMY's unite!) Their videos and music stirred something in her she hadn't felt in a while, inspiration. She started to write stories and edit videos to their music. Once again she was happy. She still went to school, but rarely paid attention in class, instead, she was writing or editing videos, or just listening to music.
"If you like that stuff why don't you go to art school."
The off-handed remark by her sister caught her ear. Maybe she was right, maybe why I wasn't focused in school was because I simply didn't like it. The girl started to research different art schools, finding a film school on the other side of the country that was perfect for her. The girl applied to the film school during her last psychology class.
After barely graduating from her current university (damn right I still got that degree!), she moved across the country to start her new life. A life she thought would bring her the joy and happiness she craved.
At first, it did, film school was everything she dreamed of, she took classes in editing, and writing, and animation, everything was so interesting. She enjoyed every assignment, made friends, attended parties, even got a new boyfriend. (This one was honestly good and honestly, I blame myself for the break-up). That lasted almost a year before the passion died. She couldn't focus on the assignments she once loved to do. Hanging out with friends or even her boyfriend seemed like a chore. She would rather stay in bed and watch TV or play games. Her friends and boyfriend tried to get her out of the bad mood but nothing seemed to work. Luckily she completed the first program before this mood set in, graduating with honors once again. 3 weeks, there were 3 weeks between her first program and the second one. 3 weeks to get her life together. In her mind, this meant breaking up with her boyfriend, getting a job, and focusing back on her videos and writing. (Yeah, I still feel kinda bad for breaking up with him. Basically, I just didn't feel in love anymore. Something that will all make sense later. If only I knew then.)
This change worked, once again she had energy, passion, motivation. Her new program was great, basically, it was a more intense version of the last program with real job experience. The first 6 months were great, she made new friends, reconnected with old ones, and was once again the star student. But at that 6 month mark it like the switch flipped and once again everything turned grey. Nothing could motivate her to complete assignments, she could barely get to class. She knew what was coming, and she hated herself for it. Luckily this time she had work to keep her steady. (At this point I worked at the Disney Store, and had amazing fellow cast members)
Her fellow co-workers noticed the shift, although the girl kept going to work and didn't miss a shift, she wasn't as happy or carefree as before. They did everything to lighten her mood, sang her favourite songs, bought her food, allowed her to do whichever job she felt like that day. And honestly, that helped the girl a bit. The rest of her life was falling apart, but they were a small light in the darkness. (No lie, they were the best, they literally went out of their way to try and make me happy when I was in a bad mood. I guarantee without them it would have been much worse.)
Going to work was the one constant the girl had in her life. Once again she began missing classes, stopped hanging out with her friends, and fell behind on assignments. So much so one of her teachers actually took her aside and asked her what was wrong. The girl seemed to learn a bit from the last time and tried to be honest with him. Something was wrong but she didn't know what. She had no reason to be upset, she just was. He let her know about the therapy the school offered and honestly she thought about it, but if she didn't know what was wrong how could a therapist?
She struggled through the last few months of her program, barely scraping together her final projects. But in the end, she completed her last program. Another program, another degree, but what did it mean. Her passion for film was gone and all she had was her part-time job to fall back on. Then it happened, another round of inspiration, this time focused around Marvel. She got the idea in her head to write a fanfic, one she always had playing in the back of her mind. She was super excited as the words just flowed out of her. But after time the words stopped, and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't get them to flow anymore. She just chalked this up to her being lazy again and threw it aside with her other dead passions. And focused instead on finding a full-time job to support her.
Not long after she found that job, the perfect job. It was in Toronto, closer to her family, and in the gaming industry of all things. There could be nothing boring about video games right! The move across the country and the change of pace once again sparked the joy and motivation in her life. She was happy again and giving her all at her job. She even adopted two kittens! What was more amazing was after getting settled at her new place and job, the words began to flow again! She was able to continue the one story she wanted to share with the world. She finally felt energized again and figured maybe if she paced herself everything would work out okay. So she tried to slow down her writing, to save the words, so they would last as long as possible. But alas, once again the words stopped flowing and her passion for work began to die. But this time she wasn't sad, this time she was angry.
The anger was not aimed at herself, but at her brain. How could it do this to her! Why would it bring this joy and then take it away again? Not just her writing but everywhere else as well. Why couldn't she focus on one thing, why couldn't she convince her brain to write, or clean, or cook, or work? Why couldn't she be motivated about the things she loved! It wasn't fair! Why couldn't she have a normal life! (I literally had this internal fight with my brain 24/7)
She finally had enough and decided to start the fight against her brain. She called a therapist, and broke down crying, trying to explain everything. The therapist (god bless her soul) listened to her cry for nearly an hour then helped her to work on coping mechanisms to trick my brain into working right. For a month the girl tried to use these methods but her brain still refused to listen. The therapist worried this might be the case and suggested the girl see a psychiatrist instead as this might be more than just therapy could heal. So the girl spent nearly 3 months, going from doctor to doctor trying to get a referral to a psychiatrist (Cause for some reason the therapist was not allowed to refer me)
After 5 doctors and 3 breakdowns, she finally found the nicest female doctor at a little clinic who took her seriously and not only referred her but got her an appointment the next day for a psychiatrist. The girl was excited but scared, what if there was something seriously wrong? what if she couldn't be fixed. She barely got any sleep that night and called out of work that day to prep for her appointment. (My work actually let me take the day off with pay as a mental health day, bless this understanding work environment)
The call came in the early morning that day. The girl spent 30 min explaining her story to the psychiatrist, before taking another 30 minutes answering his questions. The doctor took a few moments, going over the other necessary questions for a psych evaluation, have you ever self-harmed, do you think of suicide, are you generally happy. The girl answered no to all, which made her think maybe she was making this all up, maybe she didn't need help, maybe she was just lazy.
"You're not just lazy."
The doctor's words made her brain pause.
"What?"
"You aren't just lazy, you have ADHD."
The girl's brain now just stopped working.
"Specifically Inattentive ADHD, used to be called ADD. Basically, you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. No matter how hard you wanted to focus on something or do something, your brain would ignore it. It is not your fault in any way."
Silent tears fell down the girl's face as she tried to process everything the doctor was saying.
"It is a condition you have had for your whole life you just didn't know. It normally gets diagnosed in children, but because you excelled in grade school and high school, your doctors and parents must not have noticed. However. if not diagnosed then normally it becomes really apparent when the children leave for University as they have to do everything on their own and that's when executive dysfunction really becomes apparent. Executive dysfunction is how you described not being able to cook or clean. Does this make sense?"
The girl nodded before quickly answering a small yes over the phone. (This was a phone appointment cause covid is still ruining our lives)
"So anyone who has ever called you lazy or a procrastinator was wrong, okay, I want you to know that."
Images of teachers and the girl's parents flashed in her brain.
"Can you fix it?"
"Of course." (honestly this doctor was so understanding and thoughtful and upbeat) "I am going to put you on a slow-release stimulant, basically it just fixes the chemical imbalance in your brain to make your brain respond to your requests, stay focused and motivate you. I also am going to send you some reading to learn more about the condition, and you should continue therapy, having proper coping mechanisms help as well. Do you have any questions?"
"So I will be on meds for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, but the meds work. This is not something you can just will-power away, your brain chemistry is off, and the meds help to fix that."
"Okay."
Cue doctor going into the side effects of the drugs and how you can expect them to work, yadda-yadda. The girl frantically takes notes before the psychiatrist says he will send this all to the clinic doctor that set up the appointment, so she will have all the information she needs. The doctor asks if she has any more questions or needs anything else. She slowly answers no. The doctor chuckles a bit and says she can always call back if she needs anything else and is happy she finally got the help she needed.
"You know a lot of adults don't get diagnosed, they think they are just lazy. I am happy you recognized this in yourself and got the help you needed."
"Thank you for finally helping me."
"It was my pleasure."
With that, the appointment ended, and the girl waited for the call from the clinic about the medication and notes from the doctor. A few days went by and the nice female doctor from the clinic called back. She apologized for the wait, like a few days would make a difference when the girl had been living with this her whole life. The doctor quickly went over the highlights of the notes to the girl before sending them to her, then took the time to go in-depth into the medication.
"The most important thing is to eat. Maybe pick up some quick snacks or something you like to eat that's easy. This will lower your appetite but you need to keep eating, okay."
"Okay."
"And no caffeine until we know if it affects your heart, okay?"
"Okay."
"I'll set up another appointment in a week to make sure that the meds are working properly and there are no major issues, but if anything happens or you have any questions you can call me anytime okay."
"Okay."
This wasn't the first life-changing diagnosis the girl has had, she was used to the dialogue, the warnings, and the check-up appointments.
"The medication should be at your pharmacy now. Just give them about a 20-minute heads up and it should be ready when you get there."
"Okay."
"Any questions?"
"No."
"Okay, good luck. If you need anything just call."
"Okay."
The call had barely ended before the girl called the pharmacy.
"Yep we have your prescription, just give us about 2o minutes and you can come to pick it up."
It was early morning so the girl decided to wait till lunch to pick up the prescription. (Didn't want to miss any more work if possible)
Lunch came and the girl headed out. The medication was ready as soon as she got there, but seeing as it was a new pharmacy the girl had to go through the registration and insurance process before the pharmacist came over with the medication.
"So this is the first time taking a stimulant right?"
"Yep."
"So make sure you eat, don't take after 11 am or it might affect sleeping, and no caffeine until you know it doesn't affect your heart. Does all that make sense?"
'Yep."
"So it's past 11 am today so don't take the first dose until tomorrow."
"Okay."
"Alright, so insurance doesn't cover it all, you still owe $20."
"Okay." Honestly, at this point, the girl would pay her entire life savings if these drugs did what the doctors said they would. (Okay no joke but for 30 days worth these drugs cost over $100 dollars without insurance! How do people without insurance afford these!)
The girl paid and proceeded to head home to continue work. She decided it was best to let her boss know the situation cause honestly, she had no clue how this would affect her. (Side note, my bosses are great and I had kept them in the loop this entire time, not completely, but I let them know I was seeing doctors and therapists.)
"So the doctors finally figured out what was wrong with me and I have to go on medication. This might affect my work I honestly don't know."
"No problem, if you need to take some days off or need help to cover your tasks just let me or the other leads know."
"Okay, if anything this should make me better at my job."
"I don't know how that would be possible, you are already great." (No lie, best bosses ever!)
"Okay, I start the meds tomorrow so I will let you know what happens or how I'm feeling."
"Sounds good, don't push yourself, just keep us in the loop as much as possible."
"Will do."
Cut to the next morning. The girl makes some egg toast and gulps down the small pill before signing into work. She starts going through emails not feeling much different. She absent-mindedly starts making bugs and sorting issues out with her teammates when it slowly starts dawning on her, she has multiple conversations going and can keep track of them all. She knows she needs to make a bug and she just...does it. No pleading with her head, no switching to a different task, she just does it. A smile appears on her face as she realizes, those few good days she has in a year, is what she is feeling now. Focused. In control. Why did she go this long without these meds? She really could have felt this the whole time! The day continued and the feeling stayed. What she needed to do, she did, no protesting from her stupid brain, just agreement. Her cats didn't distract her, the TV in the background was just that, in the background, her mind remained focused on the task at hand. It was the best feeling she had ever experienced. The days went on and the feeling stayed, she remained focused and in control of her brain. Her apartment was now clean, and although she didn't cook every meal, she was eating, mostly healthy food at healthy levels. She felt energized, and happy. If this is what her future looked like, then she finally had something to look forward to.