rooftop conversations
Mizuki didn’t go to school often. Why should they? There was no reason to. They had already missed so much of it that every teacher’s automatic instinct was to mark them as absent, and they made sure to go just enough so that their grades didn’t become a serious issue.
They also didn’t have many friends. There was An, but unlike Mizuki, An actually had other friends who they could hang out with. It was similar with Rui- they still hung out on the rooftop every once in a while, but he too had a new group of friends to spend time with. Mizuki was not angry in the slightest; honestly, they were happy that their friends were doing well.
(And then, there was Ena. But to be honest, Mizuki didn’t have the energy to dissect their feelings towards the artist right now.)
Regardless, Mizuki knew they had to go to school today, for the sake of their grades. Not that they cared much about the grades specifically, but they didn’t want them to get so bad to the point where they would have to retake their first year.
With a groan, Mizuki rolled out of bed and stumbled over to their closet. Their eyes lingered on the old boys uniform that was crumpled up in the back. Maybe, if I wear this, it won’t be as bad… no. Today would be bad no matter what they wore, and if they were gonna be miserable, they might as well look cute.
After changing and doing their meticulous hair routine, Mizuki grabbed a slice of toast and set off. The more time they spent sitting around, the more likely it would be that they would chicken out and decide to not go at all.
Look at you, barely able to go to school. It’s like you enjoy being a coward.
By the time they got to the school entrance, their hands were trembling and their stomach was churning. Everything’s fine, they thought to themselves. You’re fine. Their heart clenched at that, as if it knew that was a blatant lie. To be honest, they didn’t remember the last time they were “fine”, but none of that mattered right now.
Just smile, wave, and laugh. Do that, and they’ll leave you alone.
Mizuki swallowed, noticing how dry their throat was, and stepped forward. One step at a time. They would get through the day, one step at a time.
~~~
The whispers started almost immediately.
“Akiyama actually showed up today.”
“I would just drop out of school if I were them.”
“Geez, when will they learn to stop dressing like that? People wouldn’t be so harsh if they weren’t so weird.”
Though they were used to it, Mizuki still couldn’t help but cringe at their words. If they wanted to insult them, they should have just said it to their face. It hurt more when people who they thought were their friends, or at the very least friendly acquaintances with, turned out to be just as bad as everyone else.
Mizuki quickly forced a grin and waved enthusiastically at no one in particular. “Hi everyone! What did I miss?” No one replied. Whenever they made eye contact with someone, they quickly looked away or pretended to be engaged in conversation with someone else.
Repressing a sigh, Mizuki sped up their trek to first period. If no one wanted to acknowledge them, that was okay. It’s not like they were expecting anything different.
Except, in a way, they were. Every time they decided to come to school, Mizuki had a silly hope that something would have changed. Maybe someone would apologize to them or offer to eat lunch with them. But that was all it was- a hope. A stupid, unrealistic hope.
They stopped by their locker on the way to pick up some of their books, and as they were about to open it, they heard a familiar voice.
“Mizuki! Hi!”
Turning around, they were relieved to see the first friendly face of the day. “An!” The smile that spread across their face was mostly genuine now, though still slightly exaggerated.
“I’m really happy you decided to come in today,” she said. There was no judgment in her tone, but the words still made Mizuki wince. What kind of sad excuse of a person had to be congratulated when they did something as mundane as going to school? “How have you been?”
“Amazing! I bought the prettiest dress yesterday,” they said. An rolled her eyes.
“Where do you get the money for all those clothes?” She asked, leaning against the locker next to Mizuki’s.
“A shopper never reveals their secrets, An,” Mizuki said with a wink. They opened their locker to get their textbooks, and a small slip of paper fluttered out. “Eh? What’s this?” Though their voice was naive, Mizuki had been through enough to have a suspicion of what it was.
“I’ll get it,” An said, reaching out to grab it before it fell to the floor. Mizuki’s eyes grew wide, and they hurried to get to it first, but An was too quick.
Giggling nervously, Mizuki took the paper from An. “Thanks!” Unfortunately, in the process it unfolded, allowing An a glimpse at the words on it.
“Wait, Mizuki, did that say-”
“Sorry! Class starts in a minute, don’t wanna be late for my only lesson of the month, hehe!” Mizuki rushed away, crumpling up the paper in their hands, but not before seeing what it said:
Kill yourself.
First period went about as good as they expected. No one talked to them, of course, unless you counted sideways glances and loud whispers. They glanced at the clock, which wasn’t moving fast enough for their liking. Mizuki just wanted to go home and leave this place forever.
Second period went by, then third, and soon enough it was time for lunch. That was possibly one of the only parts of the school day Mizuki actually kind of enjoyed. Even if they had no one to sit with, it was a respite from the stress and people the rest of the day brought.
They had brought their own lunch, but had forgotten utensils. That wasn’t an issue, they could just grab some from the cafeteria. As they passed the tables full of friend groups and couples, Mizuki couldn’t help but feel a little jealous. What was it about them that scared everyone away?
They knew what it was, they just didn’t want to admit it.
After grabbing a spoon and chopsticks, Mizuki beelined it to the exit, but practically crashed into someone in the process. “Oops! Silly me, always being clumsy-” they cut themselves off as they noticed the person they had crashed into had not moved, and was simply staring at them with a relaxed smirk on their face. Mizuki vaguely recognized the girl- she was taller than Mizuki by almost a head, and two other girls stood by her side. “I’ll be on my way now,” they said, unable to hide the trembling in their voice.
“Of course,” the girl said, her voice suspiciously gentle as she stepped aside. Mizuki let out a sigh of relief, and was about to leave when she grabbed their shoulder. “Actually, wait a second.”
Before Mizuki could reply, the girl grabbed a school lunch from one of her friends and held it above their head. Oh no. No no no-
It was too late. She tipped the tray over, dumping the contents all over Mizuki. Rice and vegetables were embedded into their hair, and soup dripped down their neck and soaked into their clothes.
People were staring. Mizuki could feel their eyes burning into them, their laughs becoming a deafening roar.
“Gosh! I didn’t mean to do that, I’m so sorry-” Mizuki didn’t even hear the girl’s false apologies over the sound of laughter and the beating of their own heart. Run. I need to run.
Mizuki wiped their face with their sleeve and stumbled away, noticing An calling out to them in the corner of their eye, but they ignored her. Instead, they hurried to the bathroom.
Staring at themselves in the mirror, they were suddenly aware of every flaw of their body. Their clothes clung to their skin, and their hair was mussed from their ordeal.
God, I’m disgusting.
They had to leave; they needed air. It was getting hard to breathe- everything just felt like too much. So, they went to the only place they could think of.
The rooftop was the one space the Mizuki felt safe in. Maybe that was strange or morbid, but it was true. Ever since the beginning of high school, they could come here whenever things got to be too much. Rui used to come too, but though he stopped going, Mizuki never did.
Letting out a choked sob, Mizuki collapsed onto a bench and buried their head in their hands. I hate this. I hate myself. If only I could-
“Yo! Akiyama!”
Mizuki whipped their head around, and when they saw a 2nd year boy walking towards them with a small group of other students in tow, they wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and disappear. They couldn’t do this again. Mizuki was too tired; too hopeless.
“That’s me!” They tried in vain to keep up their cheery facade, but their voice came out thin and monotone.
“We guessed that you would be up here,” he commented. “I’m Yoshimura Takehiko,” he added, taking a step forward. Instinctively, Mizuki flinched backwards, bracing for some sort of attack. “Jesus, chill out. We just wanna have a nice little chat.” He gestured towards his group of friends. “After all, it’s not every day we come across something like you.”
Something.
Not someone. Something. Mizuki knew that to them, they were nothing more than an oddity, a strange relic to be displayed for all to see.
Deciding that playing along was probably the safest option, Mizuki grinned. “I’m honored!” They extended their hand. “I’m Akiyama Mizuki, pleased to make your acquaintance.”
Yoshimura gave them a strange look and didn’t take their hand. “Likewise.” Something seemed to change within him at that moment- perhaps he was getting impatient. He lunged forward, grabbing Mizuki by their collar and pulling them close.
“Ehehe, this doesn’t seem like a nice chat to me,” Mizuki stammered, trying to ignore the panic rising in their chest.
“This is our way of chatting,” Yoshimura sneered, punching them in the gut. “Freak.” Mizuki wheezed at the impact, clutching their midsection.
Yoshimura threw them to the ground, and just like that, it began. A flurry of kicks, punches, and insults were hurled their way, with every inch of their body being subject to the assault. The worst thing was that Mizuki was unprepared. The bullying had been bad before, and sometimes they would get tripped or shoved, but very rarely did they get this physical. Mizuki didn’t know what to do, so they didn’t do anything.
Why fight back when it would just make things worse?
They deserved this.
~~~
Ena was not having a great day. She had stayed up too late working on the backgrounds for the newest MV, and hadn’t finished any of her schoolwork. Every class, she had been lectured by a different teacher, and frankly, she was ready to attack the next person that looked at her funny.
She usually didn’t pay attention to the going-ons of her classmates, but even she couldn’t ignore the excited conversation that seemed to be overtaking the school. It came to a height during lunch, where everyone was gathered in the middle of the cafeteria. Ugh, how difficult is it to have a nice meal in peace?
Ena tapped a nearby girl on the shoulder. “What’s this all about?”
The girl giggled. “It’s Akiyama. That one girl, Noriko, dumped food all over them, and then they just ran off.” She nudged Ena playfully. “What a wimp, right?”
Ena felt her heart drop. What did they do to Mizuki? Though they went to the same school, Ena rarely ever saw them except in passing. She knew they practically never attended, though she didn’t know why.
“Where the hell are they now?” Ena snapped, not liking how her voice cracked with worry. “Where is Mizuki?”
Surprised by her sudden urgency, the girl shrugged. “I don’t know. Why should I care where that weirdo goes?”
Ena grabbed the girl by her shirt sleeve and glared at her with pure, unadulterated fury in her eyes. “Do not talk about Mizuki like that.” The girl let out a squeak that Ena took as understanding, and let her go. As much as she wanted to throw her out a window, her worry for Mizuki was stronger than her anger.
And Ena was pretty sure she knew where Mizuki was.
Sprinting up the stairs, she swung open the door to the rooftop and what she saw made her want to throw up. A boy was pushing a battered Mizuki against the edge of the railing, with only a slight shove being enough to send them falling. One of his hands was on their back and the other was gripping their shoulder, leaving them no way to escape.
A few other boys were nearby as well, laughing and hurling insults at Mizuki. The boy holding them down leaned closer. “How would you feel if I threw you off this building right now?”
Mizuki could only let out a wheeze followed by a pained groan.
Ena felt nauseous. This was so wrong in so many ways. Mizuki wasn’t supposed to be hurt. They were supposed to always be happy, and put together, and safe. She could have dissected the intricacies of the situation more, but right now, all she could see was red.
“Get the fuck away from Mizuki!”
Ena practically screamed the words, catching the boys off guard. In the process, the one holding down Mizuki let go, sending them crumpling to the floor. “Who the hell are you?”
She didn’t answer, as she stalked forward and slapped him hard across the face. “Get away from them,” she repeated, her voice quieter and more dangerous.
“Relax, I wasn’t actually gonna throw them over. I was just trying to scare them a little. Why are you defending this thing anyways?” The boy (Yoshimura, she was pretty sure his name was) spat.
“Because I care about them.” Ena kicked him between the legs, making him double over in pain. “Now. Run away.”
Shooting her and Mizuki one more furious glance, Yoshimura and his friends followed her orders and scrambled away and through the door.
As soon as they were gone, Ena crouched down and focused all her attention on Mizuki. “Are you okay? How badly are you hurt?”
Mizuki coughed and smiled shakily. The obvious falseness of it made Ena’s heart break. It also made her wonder how many of Mizuki’s other smiles over the years had been faked as well.
“B-brave Ena, scaring away all those big scary boys for me,” they joked, their voice raspy.
“Stop kidding around!” Ena cried. “This is serious!” They turned to get a better look at Mizuki, and the nausea returned. She now had a better look at the extent of Mizuki’s injuries, and it was worse than she had imagined. Their hair was pulled out of its ponytail and tangled, and a black eye was starting to form. Their uniform was stained- probably from the food that the girl had mentioned being dumped on them earlier- and torn in various places. Every exposed area of their body was bruised, and Ena was sure that a good amount of injuries were still invisible. “Mizuki… what did they do to you?”
Mizuki let out a laugh, though it was more tired than anything. “What they always do, I guess. Just worse.”
What they alway do? Was this a common occurrence? As much as Ena hoped she was misunderstanding, she knew she wasn’t.
“Why are you so… relaxed about this? This isn't normal, Mizuki! None of this is normal!” Ena grabbed their shoulders, but seeing how they winced, she quickly loosened her grip.
“Hm,” Mizuki murmured. “I suppose you’re right.”
Ena’s jaw was agape, and she was vaguely aware of the tears forming in her eyes. “Is that all you have to say?” Had Mizuki become so desensitized to this that they just… accepted it? “Mizuki, they were practically dangling you off the edge of the building! One push and you would have- you could have-”
“-died?” Mizuki finished, once again nonchalant. “Yeah, I guess. But… would that have been so bad?”
Those words, that one sentence, threw everything Ena thought she knew about Mizuki out the window. Maybe they were joking. Yeah, it could have been a really bad joke. But Ena knew what Mizuki’s bad jokes were, and they knew this wasn’t it.
“Mizuki…” Ena’s voice broke.
“I mean, when they were holding me against the railing, and I could see the drop, I felt… free. Like I could finally escape from everything and everyone, y’know?”
Ena searched her mind for something, anything to say. “Listen to me. First, I do know how you feel, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy you’re feeling that way. I know that everything feels hopeless, and life sucks- for you more than most. But you have to keep staying strong, okay? Stay strong!” She realized that she had raised her voice to the point of yelling
Mizuki’s eyes grew wide, then a tear fell, and another. “I’m so tired, Ena. I’m tired of hurting.” They leaned into Ena’s side, resting their head against her shoulder. She could feel their body tremble and occasionally heave with sobs. “Do I deserve this?”
Ena blinked and wrapped an arm around Mizuki, holding them close. “No! Of course not,” they assured them.
Mizuki sniffed. “Then why do they hate me?”
“I… don’t know,” Ena replied. “I don’t know.”
There were a few moments of silence, and though Ena could feel Mizuki relax a little, they were still shaking and their body was stiff. Doing the only thing she thought she could do, Ena used the hand that wasn’t holding Mizuki to gently run her fingers through their hair, untangling some of the knots in it.
“I know why they hate me, actually,” Mizuki said suddenly, speaking slowly and cautiously. “But I don’t think I’m ready to tell you.” They looked away.
Ena pursed her lips together. “This has something to do with your secret, doesn’t it?”
Mizuki nodded.
“Well, I meant what I said before. I’ll wait for you until you’re ready to tell me.” She narrowed her eyes, and cupped Mizuki’s face with one hand to get them to face her. “But whatever it is, nothing makes what these bastards did okay. You… you’re worth more than you think you are.”
A small, weak smile crossed Mizuki’s face. “Heh. Ena’s such a softy,” they teased.
Her face flushed red. “Shut up,” she muttered, but she was unable to hide an affectionate grin.
Mizuki giggled before leaning into Ena again, placing their head against her chest. “Ena?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
Ena rested their chin on Mizuki’s head. “Of course, loser. I love you.”
Maybe Mizuki didn’t believe that they were worthy of love or care yet. Maybe they wanted to disappear. But throughout all of it, Ena would be there, by their side.
Always.