Chapter 10
A frustrated huff slips between his lips. Wide eyes glued on the plain white ceiling of his bedroom as he tries to silently process the horrifying aberrancy which has just taken place on his bed.
“That’s…wow…” says the female voice beside him, filled with astonishment, “Never, not in a million years, I thought this would be possible.”
His eyes shut for a moment as he sighs, “Can’t exactly disagree on that,” he says, tilting his head to face the owner of the voice, spotting the dumbfounded expression on her face turning into a playfully teasing one as she shifts to lay on her side and lifts her arm to support her head on her hand.
“Call all the scientists… Is Bruce Banner in the house? Cause The Bucky Barnes can’t get it up…” Amanda’s smirk is wide as she nods towards Bucky’s crotch, making him promptly pull the sheet up to his waist, even though he has his underwear on, “I’ve never thought I would live to see that day.”
Neither did he.
Hours ago, when he left your building, he was obsessed with the idea that he needed to do something to put his feelings in check. He thought that maybe the problem was that he had had spent too much of his time with you and that’s why he was so damn confused and if he hooked up with someone else, maybe it would all go away and he would be able to live his life the way he did before you, while you could work whatever you wanted with that guy. You agreed to the punk coming over while he was there in your bed, after the day and night you spent together, it was clear that you’re not done with that clown.
He texted Amanda, because she’s always been a good friend ever since the beginning, when he left behind his brooding self and started living life the way he wanted. A female version of himself, living by the same philosophy as his: pleasure and fun in the first place, no strings attached. He asked her to come to his place later after leaving your place, and of course she was down.
As soon as she stepped into his living room, he lunged on her, however… his up till now reliable friend down there didn’t play along and for the first time ever, even before the serum, he couldn’t get it up, no matter what they both did.
He’s not embarrassed or anything like that. Frustrated, though? Of course he is. And his frustration lays on the fact that it all just felt wrong… misplaced. It didn’t feel right… and the more he thinks of it, he realizes that the real problem was it didn’t feel like you. And it frustrates even further that he felt dirty - not in a good way of dirty- but as if he were betraying someone…You… Himself… Both. Which is damn ridiculous if he’s going to be honest with himself. You two were never exclusive, he never wanted that and neither did you.
Damn, he’s fucked.
And that’s what has led him and Amanda to where they are now, laying on his bed, both on their underwear, having a conversation he never thought he would have.
“Alright now,” she cocks a brow at him, “I know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me,” with a smug look on her face she looks down and gestures something like a reverence over her body, “So spit it out, what’s wrong with you?” She tilts her chin towards him.
“I don’t know,” he sighs, looking back at the ceiling.
A light kick on his leg makes his face snap back at her, “Bullshit.” Her eyes roll, “First you spend weeks without reaching out, then, on a Sunday fucking morning you text me, saying it’s urgent and you need me so you can check something. You know I’m always up to check something,” She winks, smirking briefly, “And now? This,” Amanda twists her lips and looks down to his center before shooting him a firm gaze and a just as firm command, “Talk.”
He runs a harsh hand over his face before deciding that he might as well talk, “You’re right,” he turns to the side to face her, “Yes, I guess the problem is me. I feel like… like there’s something changing inside me-”
“Wait,” she interrupts him, eyes widening, “It’s not some alien shit, is it?”
Bucky laughs at how she recoils away from him, “I wished… but no, dumbass,” he snorts, used to that kind of exchange with her.
“What?” She lets out a laugh and comes closer to him again, “You Avengers mess with some pretty weird stuff. But alright, sorry, please continue,” she composes herself to listen to him.
Bucky bites his cheek, pondering from a moment where he should start from, “Well, you know all about the way I’m used to living my life and my relationships right?”
She shrugs, nodding her head, “Sure.”
“Just fun, which for me always meant just sex,” he says, “No attachments, the more the merrier, no rules…Actually, there was always just one rule-”
“No romance,” Amanda smiles, “Which, by the looks of it, you’re the one who broke the one rule you had.” She flicks a finger on his chin with a small smirk on her lips.
Bucky huffs and lays on his back again, brushing both hands on his face before crossing his fingers over his eyes, “Yeah… I mean… I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore…”
“It’s Y/N, right?”
That makes him uncover his widened eyes and glance back at her, “How did you know?”
“It all makes sense now.” She sports a cocky smile as she shifts on the mattress to a sitting position, “Me and a few others used to see you regularly, then, all of a sudden, it all stopped by the time you took her to the bar the other night, remember? You were celebrating she had just gotten her promotion, I think?” she squints, “Which leads us to the party last Friday… You might not recall I was there because you had your lovey-dovey eyes just for her.” She keeps the teasing smile on her face as she lifts her knees up and wraps her arms around them, looking down at him.
“Fuck,” he curses, sitting on the mattress as well and resting his elbows on his lifted knees. He didn’t know it was all that obvious. First Steve had his suspicions, then Nat, now Amanda? There’s no point in denying, “You know I always loved women, really, really loved women, but I never thought I would wish to settle for just one… But now I have feelings for her and they are all over,” he gestures around his own chest with a grimace on his face, “I don’t know what to do with that and she’s still pretty caught up to her ex, which makes me sick in my stomach, and I just wanna hold her tight so that jerk can never come near her, ever again,” he growls through clenched teeth. Just the mere thought that at this time you might’ve back together with that clown… he wants to rip his own skin off.
“Oh… wow…” she laughs before squinting at him, “But What makes you think that she’s still caught up to her ex?”
He puffs, “We’ve been talking a lot during the times we spent together, and she was always clear about not being over the break-up.” He shrugs before a small smile eases its way to his lips without him even noticing, “Last night, we had a wonderful night together, I think- I think I got her on a date before that. Can you imagine me on a date? Daytime, parks and all?”
“Definitely can’t,” Amanda agrees, with an amused smirk on her lips.
The smile on Bucky’s face fades before he starts talking again, “And then, this morning, her ex called and wanted to come over. She agreed and I left, that’s why I called you,” his lips tighten, “I wanted to see if this would go away, if I hook up with someone else all these feelings would be over. We know how well it worked out,” he gestures to the unbothered lower part of him, before staring mindlessly ahead.
“What? You’re saying you just wanted to use me like that? That’s rude.”
His face snaps to Amanda’s again to see her gasping and placing a hand on her chest.
Both pause for a moment before a matching pair of laughs bursts through their lips. He knows she’s one of the most carefree persons in the world and that’s why he’s comfortably talking to her like that.
“Anyway, she’s probably back together with the guy right now,” Bucky takes in a shuddering breath, when the laughing halts.
“Bucky,” Amanda tilts her head, frowning at him, “Just because she received a call and agreed to talk to the guy doesn’t necessary mean she’s back together with him. It’s a possibility that she wasn’t expecting that and didn’t know what to say or do. By what you just told me, the date was really special, didn’t you feel a connection from her end?”
Bucky thinks for a moment before answering. He did feel something different from you. It’s always fun to spend time with you, to have mind-blowing sex with you… But this time? He had really felt you, whatever that means. He did feel a different kind of connection from your end. But then there was the next morning, the call… he doesn’t know what to think anymore.
He puts on a tightened smile for Amanda and shrugs, “I don’t know…But it’s just a crush, it’ll pass,” he brushes off.
She hums and nods, “Ok… alright…” she says, before placing a hand on his shoulder, “Bucky, you know you’re like an icon between us girls, right?” She beams.
Bucky laughs quietly as an answer.
“Do you know why we all love you so much?” Amanda asks.
With his elbow on his lifted knee, Bucky supports his head with his hand on his cheek, facing her, “By all means, keep talking,” he chuckles.
“You’re honest,” she says, “Never once lied to us about what you wanted and it makes us all comfortable to express what we really want, too. It’s hard out there for a woman who just wants to get off and be happy you know?” She lets out a puff and roll her yes to the ceiling, “But you were always there for us not just with a hot body and amazing skills in bed,” she blatantly says with a cheeky smile on her lips, making Bucky laugh and shake his head, “but also honesty and respect.” Her face turns a bit more serious as she looks at him with a thoughtful expression.
Bucky knows where this is going, but as much as it may be hard for him to admit what he needs to do, he remains silent and allows her to get there.
“Now what you need is to be honest with yourself,” she says precisely what Bucky was expecting her to say, “Deep down, you know exactly what you’re feeling and what you want. You just need to listen to what your feelings are trying to tell you and accept whatever it is, being honest with yourself like you always are with everyone else.”
Well, if being honest with himself is just what he needs, then he doesn’t need anything else or anymore time to understand what those feelings are. He already knows. He does for a while now. He was just mistaking denial for confusion.
Bucky lets out a breathy smile at his friend, “I’ve never taken you for a feelings advisor.”
“You’ll be surprised about how diverse my skills actually are, Bucky Barnes.” She winks, lifting a leg up and dropping her head backwards to put on a pose, “But I guess that ship has sailed now,” she jokingly pouts and shrugs before jumping off the bed and starting picking up her clothes from the floor.
“I’m sorry I made you come all this way for nothing,” Bucky says, standing up to put on his clothes as well, “Can I at least offer you a beer or something?”
“Nah,” she waves him off, “Don’t worry. I’ll go check if Black Widow is around… we got pretty close at the party last Friday, you know?” She smiles widely and bites her lip as she pulls up her jeans and zip it up.
“Oh…” Bucky’s eyes widen before he smirks while putting on a shirt, having his pants already on, “What a pair… She’ll eat you alive if you let her, though,” he warns.
“That’s what I’m counting on.” She wiggles her eyebrows, now fully dressed and already sauntering towards the door.
They laugh and chat briefly as Bucky walks her to the way out, opening the door for her.
After stepping outside, she pulls him for a hug, “You’re one of the good ones, Bucky. Y/n is a lucky woman and if she doesn’t see that, I feel bad for her,” she whispers in his ear, before placing a kiss on his cheek.
~~~
You keep the big cup of coffee on your lips for longer than necessary, quietly peeking at the man sitting on the armchair before in your living room, as you sit on your sofa.
He’s just as quiet, with his own cup of coffee in his hands, glancing around the place he helped buying and decorating.
“It looks different,” he comments after a little while.
You clear your throat, placing your cup on the center table, “I didn’t change anything.”
“Yeah, I know… but it’s different. Just like you are.”
“You said that before, Eddie, but I really don’t know what to tell you about that,” you snap and he flinches at the annoyance that comes out with your words.
He says nothing while his lips tighten, and his shoulders shrink into himself.
You take in a deep breath. You don’t even know why you are so annoyed at him… or better, you do know, but he’s not the real reason for your annoyance, you’re more frustrated with yourself, with how you dealt with the situation with Bucky earlier. It was only automatic when you said yes to Eddie coming over, even if you’re not sure that’s what you really wanted.
“I’m sorry.” You shake your head, while brushing your forehead, “You know I’m not my gentlest on mornings,” you chuckle, trying to lighten up the mood.
His tight smile grows into a wide one and he nods, “Yeah, I know.”
“So,” you grab your cup of coffee again, “I assume you’re here to talk about the condo, like you said at the party, right?” You hold the cup like a shield between the two of you. The subject is sensitive to you since you’re not sure how much you are willing to let go of that place you chose so carefully and invested so much of you in it.
He stares at you for a second, like he’s pondering an answer, he sighs when he seems to have found one, “Yes and no.”
You tilt your head as if asking him for clarification.
“Yes, because it somehow involves this place and what it means to us,” he says, looking nervous as he, just like you, holds his cup tightly. The little weird feeling at the word us coming from his lips makes you shift on your seat, “But the thing is…” He breathes before placing the cup on the table and standing up.
You lean back on your seat and watch with rounding eyes as he crosses the room and sits down beside you. Not a word comes out of your lips as he takes the cup from your hands and puts it next to his on the table. You still say nothing and just watch as he takes both of your hands into his.
“The real reason I’m here is you. And me,” he tightens the hold in your hands, staring into your eyes, “Because I love you.”
Your jaw drops. That’s not at all what you expected to hear from him in that moment. Not even close.
“Oh-“
“Please, just – I know you must have a lot to say and to ask, but just let me get this off my chest,” he pleads, when you were about to say whatever you were gonna say. “I know that having me coming here to tell you that might not make sense to you since I’m the one who ended things and now I may have lost my chance with you, but let me explain, or at least try to, why I made that decision,” he rambles, almost out of breath.
You regard him for a moment. His hands are cold around yours while a droplet of sweat falls down his face. He stares intensely and beggingly at you, “Ok,” you concede in a restraint voice, nodding for him to go on.
He gulps down before starting to talk again, “You know you were my first serious girlfriend, my first on everything. I feel like I’ve discovered life by your side, I loved and cherished every moment we spent together, every dream we dreamed and accomplished together…” He lets out a breathy smile, “College, our work, then this place…” he speaks with a nostalgic contemplative tone as if he’s reliving memories on his mind.
You take in a deep breath, just listening to him, taking the words in. The memories are there for you, too, like a silent movie playing in the back of your head. You can’t help the lump growing in your throat.
His expression shifts to something apologetic and sad when he looks back at you, “But, when we crossed the ten years mark…to me it was like we reached a point where it just didn’t make sense anymore for us to be just boyfriend and girlfriend any longer, like the obvious thing to do next was taking a step forward.”
“I’ve never pressured you for anything, Eddie,” you say, sternly, pulling your hands away while you clear your throat to erase the break in your voice.
“I know, I know, but I did,” he quickly adds, reaching for your hands again. “I was pressuring myself and at the same time, I just… I didn’t feel ready to take that step forward,” he looks away from you, “So I ended taking a step back, instead. At first, I put distance between us, I know I did that.”
A flash of the last months with him passes through your head. You noticed he was different. You didn’t have sex for almost a year, for God’s sake. You tried talking to him so many times but it was to no avail.
He turns a frantic gaze to you again, “And then I thought that maybe the right thing for us was a new path, to expand our horizons or whatever, that maybe we needed to experience new things apart…” He huffs, shaking his head as if he’s frustrated at himself, “It felt right at that point, but these last few months, I put my thoughts together, and the only conclusion I came to is that I love you and there’s no life for me away from you and I wanna make it right with you.”
Your heart races and the swelling in your throat grows bigger by the second. You swallow down the heavy feeling in your stomach, “God, Eddie… I wasn’t expecting that, I-” A thought pops in your mind and makes you frown and pull back your hands from him, “What about Chloe? I saw the way you two were together at the party.”
He’s taken aback by your question, but he nods, biting his lips before speaking, “After we broke up and I started at SHIELD, she and I got close, we started flirting with each other. I’m not gonna lie, it felt new, exciting.” He gulps, “But nothing had happened…until your party. I- I saw you with Bucky Barnes.” His jaw clenches and he stops talking, probably waiting for you to say something.
Your gaze shifts away for a moment, but you harden your face, deciding to say nothing about that yet.
“Anyway,” he resumes when you remain silent, “I went to her place once we left the tower, we had a few drinks and ended up kissing, but we didn’t go further. I swear, I couldn’t…” His chest heaves and his face scrunches up in a grimace, “Just the thought of someone else is weird.”
“Oh…” The time you spent next to him taught you to realize most of the times he’s lying to you, and you know he isn’t now. You believe him. Even if you don’t know what to do with that.
“What about you and Barnes?” He asks in a quiet voice, shy even.
What about you and Bucky? That’s a good question, alright. You breathe in an encouraging intake of air. He seems to have been honest with you and you wanna give him the same thing, “I’ve been spending time with him. We have some sort of a deal,” you start picking your nails, “But it’s not serious or romantic, we’re just… spending time together.” You shrug, leaving implied what the deal of you and Bucky consists of.
He raises his eyebrows before he drops his gaze. You see through the shift on his face that you don’t need to be more explicit.
“A deal…I see…” he whispers before lifting his eyes to you, “Do you wanna make it more than that, though?” He asks in a quiet and fearful voice.
That question would be a lot easier for you to answer a few days ago, but what slides out of your mouth surprises you, “I- I don’t know…”
The day you spent in Brooklyn comes to your mind, the night you had together, the way Bucky looked and smiled at you… For you it was not like the other times, and you suspect that maybe it’s been the same for Bucky, too. It was not just sex, as cheesy as it may sound… It was something else, something more. Something that makes your heart tight right now, something that makes you not throw yourself into Eddie’s arms like you would have surely done before.
And yet, you can’t help but to come to the conclusion that all of that is only assumption. That is all uncertain and unknown. While, with Eddie, now that he is here, telling you what he’s telling you, there seems to be a steadier promise of security, certainty, of familiarity.
“It’s my fault,” Eddie says with confidence, nodding his head after a few moments quiet, “I’m the one who let you go, who made you believe we didn’t matter to me, who didn’t treat you like you deserved. But I’ll make it right now. I’m ready.”
Your eyes widen and you let out a small gasp when he slides to his knees in front of you, “Eddie?”
“Y/n,” he breathes, taking your hands into his, staring intently into your eyes, “I want you back and I want to redeem myself for the rest of my life for leaving you and for not making you as happy as I know I could on the time spent together,” he brings one hand to his pocket, taking out the little velvet box from there.
He opens the lid and your eyes drop, dumbfoundedly, to the solitaire diamond ring in front of you.
“Will you give us the chance to take our lives back on track and make it better?” He asks as your stare snaps back at him, “I don’t wanna throw away our ten years and everything we accomplished and dreamed together. I’m ready for the next step now.” He licks his drying lips before asking the question, “Will you marry me?”
~~~
To be continued…