shelter order

S4: morningggggg

S2: morning! Guess who’s back to work, fending off customers??

S4: is it you?

S2: My coworker made me the cutest fucking mask

S4: is it pink

S2: do bears shit in the woods?

SM: children

S2: you’re back to work too aren’t you, spider-guy?

SM: yes

S4: oh serious

S2: no, just multitasking

SM: yes

S2: everyone’s back to work in some way I think?

BT: why are we texting at ass o’clock can texting please happen in 1 hr the old man is standing on the roof

S2: he’s a rooster BT, that’s his job

BT: no he’s hunting a rooster. its different and I’m tired

SM: y’all shut up I’m doing shit. Recommence 2 hr. Bye.

S4: spidey’s serious today

S3: he’s working on some important stuff for work

S4: like?? ‘work’ or ‘’’work’’’?

S3: not allowed to say friend, sorry.

S4: because I’m baby or because Privacy?

S3: 😊

S4: is he flirting?

S3: Bitsy

S4: I’ve seen loads of videos of people flirting. I know what flirting looks like.

S3: Hon

S4: He’s allowed to have sex too. He’s old, it’s allowed, I’ll allow it.

S3: I’m pretty sure he’s trying to complete two months-worth of backlogged paperwork in two days.

S4: …

S4: that’s not very sexy

S3: no it is not. But it is very frustrating. Especially when you set foot back into work and you’re already running on a deadline. Not very fun.

S4: Spidey come back I’m letting you do sexy things this one time

S3: lol

S3: don’t think he needs your permission for that, bub

S4: ☹

S4: He could. I could be the leader of this team.

S2: pft

S4: WOW

S4: I was the leader last summer JUST FINE

S2: pfffffft

S3: be nice

S2: kay

S4: NO don’t listen to HIM. Listen to MEEEEEE

S2: 😊

S3: LS.

S2: 😊 😊 😊

S4: what

S2: pft

S4: SPIDEY SHE’S PICKING ON ME

SM: what part of 2 hrs is hard for y’all?

S2: sry

S3: sorry

S4: sorry

SM: Chill. Stop picking. Stop fussing. Go pet a dog or build a nest or I dunno, watch a fucking movie. Just stop texting me.

S2: 👍

S3: will do

S4: sorry

S3: Bitsy don’t feel bad he’s just focused. it’s not you

S2: yeah we were just playin, it’s okay

S3: aw

S2: Spidey you made Bitsy feel bad come back and apologize

S3: idk if that’s gonna happen today he’s #focused

S2: what’s he doing? Trying to put his fist in his mouth again?

S3: no he’s got too many teeth for that. Work

S2: ew.

S3: yeah I know.

S2: I get it though

S3: yeah same

S2: this new normal’s weird

S3: correct!

S2: I am like, not-quarantined but everyone’s still telling me to self-isolate, but I’m like? I literally cannot? Like, essential workers aren’t just docs or nurses or whatever you know? My ass sitting on this register all day is still essential I guess.

S3: sorry girl that’s frustrating

S2: it’s okay! A paycheck’s a paycheck! Not much else I can do. Just gotta adjust and push forward. Anyways, it’s not like what I do is anything like what you and Spidey do.

S3: that’s not true.

S2: what lives am I improving at this till?

S3: underpaid doesn’t mean unimportant.

S2: I guess

SM: okay I’m back what’s happened?

S3: paperwork?

SM: man the bullshit that is happening rn

SM: my company is being asked to do 5000 things and we’ve only got half capacity to do a quarter of them at the moment. We’re trying to work out scheduling shifts to let folks come back in in rounds but how the fuck am I supposed to schedule people on when I don’t even know my own schedule?

S2: ew a manager

SM: yeah -2/10 don’t recommend. It’s not worth the money

S3: you’re great at what you do spidey, don’t say that!

SM: I mean, I’m mediocre at what most the job is and fucking great at the parts that actually matter so I guess it balances out

S2: does anyone here like their job tho?

S2: anyone? Anyone?

S3: I would like to be in a different position within my company, but I don’t actively hate my job.

SM: I have no strong feelings towards my job. I am loyal only to the people there.

S2: ah. Same.

SM: idk if I have the qualifications to move up tho.

S2: fucking SAME

SM: I’d need like, another degree or 10 years experience

S2: Uuuuuugh

SM: you’re gonna graduate. It’s gonna be fine.

S2: the world is a void which exists only to suck soul energy

SM: where’s bitsy?

S3: his feelings are hurt from being scolded

SM: ahhhhhhh

S2: bitsy cares too much about your opinion of him

SM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SM: brb

S2: Spiderman to the rescue!

S3: Spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a spider can 🎶

BT: I want a theme song

S2: holy SHIT where did you come from??

BT: Sensei has located the rooster and we have apologized to the neighbors two houses away.

S2: that doesn’t answer my question

BT: are we talking about jobs sucking?

S2: …yes?

BT: my job doesn’t suck. I’ve never been in this position before. I trust nothing and no one.

S3: lol that’s the spirit

BT: I wait every day for the situation to devolve into turmoil and every day it does not.

BT: but one day.

BT: one day the time will come.

S3: don’t you work for DD?

BT: yes

S3: is he a bad boss?

BT: define ‘bad’

S2: does he double book you and then forget you have breaks and then keep calling you to ask you to come in for a shift you already said you can’t do?

BT: pft no girl. I’ve moved up in the world. That was my last like idk 10 jobs? We’re rolling in style now 😎

S2: so DD can read

BT: p much yeah

S2: amazing. I knew there were people out there in the world who could.

DD: hello I am a boss

BT: where’d you learn how to read?

DD: orphanage.

S2: well guys, this is it. We have to bring back orphanages.

DD: Do recommend.

BT: how do you teach a bad boss to be a better boss, Teach?

DD: uuuuuuuuuh

DD: make them? Be poor? For a while?

BT: we can’t just make people be poor. It’s not ethical. And even then, a lot of the shit bosses I’ve had were poor anyways.

DD: I got nothing for you.

S2: DD’s advice for getting a better boss is becoming your own boss

DD: oh I am not my own boss

S2: no?

BT: nah

DD: Life Partner #2 is my boss

DD: without her I am awash in a sea of case files

BT: yeah p much. LP2 runs a tight ship

BT: she’s an optimal boss. Sees my email for lateness and tells me not to puke in the office bathroom when I eventually get in. 10/10

DD: solution?

BT: I will not stop drinking.

DD: perhaps stop finishing friends’ drinks?

BT: Keep those ideas coming. We’ll find one that works eventually.

SM: okay am back.

S4: Spidey doesn’t hate me!!!

SM: this was never a possibility

S3: aw

S2: awwwwwwww

DD: you will hate the child on pain of death

SM: Mr. Catholic.

DD: upon pain of harsh punishment

SM: God nods sagely upon you this day, Mr. Devil.

DD: I know I caught a rooster this morning.

S2: DD I am living purely for this story in this moment please tell us how and why you caught the rooster.

DD: ?

DD: no story

DD: it makes a bad noise every morning. I caught it. Established dominance. End of story.

SM: this is how most of your stories go, I’m noticing.

BT: yeah except with Frank Castle.

DD: I must go

S2: you reminded him

BT: on purpose even 😎

S4: DD’s so nice!

BT: 🔪

S4: I’m allowed to say he’s nice.

BT: 👁w👁

BT: I suppose.

S4: Spidey, BT hates me.

SM: BT, I’ve already traumatized the kid today. And not even on purpose. He’s like twelve. Give him a break.

BT: Oh sure.

S4: …why do you only listen to Spidey?

BT: I listen to everyone, friend. I have two whole ears.

S4: you don’t listen to me.

BT: I hear everything you say in HD.

BT: 😊

S4: 😥

S2: Oh shit

S2: BT he doesn’t get it

BT: ?

S2: he’s an only child

BT: oh right

S4: 😰

BT: my bad. I’ll use 🔫 from now on

S4: how is that better?

SM: idk what is happening rn

S2: You and bitsy understand each other because you’re both only children

SM: we’ve had this discussion a thousand times and nothing about my status has changed.

DD: HELLO.

S2: !!

S3: he’s back!

SM: sup?

DD: Johnny Storm?

SM: Greatest tragedy of all time?

DD: tell him to call me.

SM: I will tell him to suffocate.

DD: and to call me please.

SM: I will tell him to call you and then suffocate.

S2: I though you liked the Torch?

SM: he’s fine

S4: ?

S3: help us out here, man. Like fine-fine or fine?

SM: idk what you’re asking me

S3: oh okay thanks that really helped clear things up

S2: on a scale of 1 to 10, would fuck?

SM: why would you ask me that? You are aware of my track record?

S2: DD? Would fuck or no?

DD: Child.

S2: ??

SM: he won’t touch anything my age or younger. Behold: actual limits on DD’s libido. A rare and precious thing.

S2: Waddddddddddddddddddde

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes?

S2: can you please translate Spidey’s opinions on the Torch?

SM: I just said he’s fine. What is difficult about this?

S3: you also said you’d tell him to suffocate? Hard to know if this is affectionate or not through text?

SM: no I def want him to die. Actually I want to kill him.

SM: Johnny if you’re reading this, don’t leave your bedroom window open ya freak

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what’s unclear about this, small human?

S2: uh

S2: everything

BT: OwO

BT: I want to meet Johnny Storm.

SM: UGH

S3: (LS, I think maybe they’re friends?)

SM: GOD everyone wants to meet Johnny Storm. Everyone. What’s he done that’s so impressive??

SM: building a fucking car doesn’t count, asshole. Don’t even start with that.

S2: (Spidey are you texting him now?)

SM: why are you whispering? No. Obvs no. I deleted his number weeks ago.

S3: (because of betrayal?)

SM: no for real, why are we whispering? And not betrayal, I never trusted him to start with.

SM: STOP JOHNNY. NO ONE THINKS YOURE CUTE.

S2: the messages have never been more mixed, S3, idk what to do

BT: Spidey, introduce me to Johnny Storm

BT: I want to amass a pile of smart friends

SM: he’s not smart

BT: evidence suggests otherwise

SM: he’s literally not smart. He lost his goggles the other day on his own fucking HEAD, JONATHAN WITH NO FUCKING H

SM: god you can’t even spell your own fucking name who ARE YOU??

S2: (legitimately cannot tell if Spidey is having a bad work day or hates the F4. HELP)

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): (ride or die with Johnny Storm)

SM: UGH

S2: (oh thank god)

SM: I hate him so much. TEXT ME BACK CANDLE STICK

S3: um?

SM: sorry I’m over it. he’s dead to me.

S2: …are you sure?

SM: positive

S2: I don’t believe you

SM:sigh

BT: quick, someone send me Johnny Storm’s number.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): your teacher has it in his phone. At least Richards’s if no one else’s.

BT: !!!!

BT: brb.

SM: uuuuuuugh. I’m going back to paperwork hell. Peace, drugs, and alcohol, y’all.

S2: that’s not a saying, spidey

S3: Okay, no. Spidey’s Mega-Grumpy today

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Storm will cheer him up

S3: are you sure?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): red and I tried to keep them separate for 5 years

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes, I’m sure

S2: why?

DD: insufferable together

S3: ? really?

S4: Mr. Storm seems nice! His twitter’s full of dogs!

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): lol

DD: aw

BT: hi hello welcome. Please make yourself at home.

HT: oh thanks I heard folks get booted out of this at the drop of a hat?

BT: we will protect you.

[HT has been removed from the chat]

S2: well that took no time at all

SM: GET BENT ASSHOLE

S2: literally no time at all

[HT has been added to the chat]

HT: aw, thanks friend. What’s your name again?

BT: blindspot

SM: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

HT: Omg Spidey so.

SM: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

HT: I call her right?

SM: WADE

HT: and she says to me ‘we already talked about this’

SM: wade help I’m being assaulted

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no can do sugar. You picked him over us

SM: I regret it I’m sorry I was so young and so stupid

HT: I tell her, ‘I totally get that, and you can ignore me at any moment. But you know that wine bottle I gave you?’

SM: stop I’m begging you I can’t hear any more of this

HT: and she was like

SM: I’m gonna lay down

HT: yeah

HT: and I was like

SM: so

HT: so

SM: I fucked up

HT: I fucked up

SM: it’s not a wine bottle. It’s an intergalactic war crime. Jonathan I’m begging you

HT: it’s not a wine bottle, it’s an intergalactic war crime. So can I please have it back? And you know what she was like?

SM: she was like I drank it

HT: SHE WAS LIKE I DRANK IT

S2: omg

S3: this is incredible

S4: wow. Same brain to the next level

HT: Spidey you’re truly my soulmate do you know that?

SM: someone stab me

HT: I love you so much I missed you so much when you were upstate

SM: god take me back

HT: I kept thinking ‘man, what if he likes it up there and decides to stay. What if my best friend never comes home? What if we’re Cap and Bucky and we’ve always been meant to be?’

SM: wh

SM: what words are you saying right now?

SM: I’m not your best friend I hate you

SM: Furthermore

SM: Barnes didn’t never come home??? He’s literally home right now?

SM: Sarge come here. I know you’re awake. Tell this idiot you’re alive.

HT: Omg you’ve got Bucky Barnes on speed dial??

SM: this is the twenty-first century Johnny everyone’s on speed dial

JB: someone rang?

HT: ASDJFSKD:FJ

HT:[redacted] ITS BUCKY BARNES

SM: I’m so tired

HT: OMG

JB: who are you?

HT: AADFPSJDF [redacted] HE’S TALKING TO ME

S2: this is going nothing like how I thought it would go, guys

S3: same

S4: it’s kind of cute?

HT: Mr Barnes I just want to say you’re an inspiration to me and thank you so much for your service and you’re just so cool and

SM: this is embarrassing

JB: did y’all clone a new friend?

HT: OMG [redacted] HE THINKS WE’RE CLONES

SM: Johnny Im gonna tell to stop saying my goddamn name one more time and then I’m going to break this window and haul ass to break YOUR window

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): young love

JB: woah this is a very different version of the Spiderkid than what I’m used to

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yeah say hello to baby crush no. 1002

HT:[redacted] YOU HAD A CRUSH ON ME??? Omg how embarrassing for you. tho totally understandable, I get it I’m beautiful and charming. Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone else

SM: …

HT: OwO

SM: Jonathan with no H.

HT: yes?

SM: you had a gay panic in my lap 10 years ago while I did college apps at 2am. You cried into my abs for hours about how much you wanted to be held by a bear.

HT: owo

SM: how would you like to proceed from here?

HT: I would not

S2: oh my god

S3: BT this was the best idea you’ve had in weeks

BT: thanks

HT:[redacted], how could you do me like this in front of Mr. Barnes?

SM: IM BREAKING YOUR WINDOW

HT: COME AT ME BRO

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): years, I’ve dealt with this, Wolfman. Years.

JB: this makes me feel old

SM: fuck this I’m calling your sister

HT: I WILL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW NAME IT

SM: DIE ALREADY THEN

S2: guys

S3: it’s like they don’t even know we’re here.

S4: I want a friend like this!!

BT: same

DD: oh torch is here.

HT: Hey!!!! DD!!! How are you??

DD: …much punctuation. Is this necessary?

HT: yes

DD: thank you for refraining.

HT: kay

SM: god

HT: Shhh, DD’s talking. Have some respect.

SM: I fantasize nightly about holding your head in the shallows of a lake

HT: omg [redacted] so kinky

DD: I don’t know why I try to talk to the two of you together

HT: OH. You wanted to talk about the Thing. Right. So. A) Not my fault. B) Reed told me not to talk to anyone about it, so sorry I can’t help QAQ

DD: What is QAQ?

BT: emoji face

DD: How?

BT: it cries

HT: it’s adorable. I love emojis. You know who doesn’t?

SM: Hey Sue, it’s me, spiderman. Remember how your brush went missing six years ago? The purple one?

HT: no one doesn’t like emojis I’m sorry I misled you

BT: this is amazing.

BT: how much blackmail do you two have on each other?

JB: l’m leaving friends. I have locks to pick.

HT: EVERYONE SHUT UP

HT: Mr. Barnes

SM: You mean Sergeant

HT: I can’t spell that word

HT: anyways. Mr. Barnes. I just really wanted to let you know that we, myself and my team, have the upmost respect for you and what you’ve done and the new leaf you’ve turned. So if you or Cap or the new Cap need anything please don’t hesitate to reach out to us. We would be honored to support you in whatever endeavors you might require assistance in.

JB: oh

JB: uh

JB: I’ll keep that in mind?

SM: suck up

HT: ASDJFK:JSDF SHUT UP

SM: disgusting.

JB: still not clear who you are tho, pal?

HT: I

SM: HA

HT: Human Torch? HT? Human Torch? Q__Q

JB: Torch?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): fantastic four

JB: oh shit right the blue suits

HT: I’m going to cry

SM: awwwwww

SM: baby got called a blue suit

SM: baby didn’t get recognized straight away aww

SM: you deserve it

JB: There’s the stretchy one, the blocky one, and the invisi-gal, no?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): that’s three

JB: oh shit

SM: akdsf;sdkfjsdf

HT: I

HT: this is the worst day of my life

SM: I can make it worse

HT: please do. Come over so I can cry on your dick

SM: there are fucking CHILDREN present Jonathan

HT: I see no kids. Only loneliness with no end in every direction. Come let me cushion my head on those thighs. I need it

SM: you ain’t touching them

HT: so pillowy ❤

HT: so soft ❤

JB: oh wait the fire one

HT: YES

SM: damn

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yeah. You remember how the statue of liberty kept lighting up all over the damn place a while back?

JB: no shit, that was you, kiddo?

HT: (Bucky Barnes just called me ‘kiddo’ Spidey. Get on my level.)

SM: (Sarge calls me a fuckhead once a month, Flamebrain, get on my level)

S2: hey Mr. Storm I have a question for you

HT: oh who’s this?

SM: no one

HT: wait are these your copy friends? Is this your team-team?

SM: I have no friends or team. I work alone.

DD: team chat yes. There is a minor present.

HT: I

HT: what

SM: oh yeah

SM: I forgot to tell you

SM: I have located a mentee

HT: …

HT: hi mentee, can you raise your hand?

S4: 🖐🏾

HT: your ass is grass

SM: JOHNNY

HT: what????

SM: baby. Be kind. Put on the kind mask

S4: scary…

BT: Back off friend, only mine to bully 😊

HT: Spidey can’t have a mentee he’s too stupid and reckless so really I’m just saving you from a horrible death ❤

SM: you’re so flagrantly jealous stop

HT: you can’t have other friends, Spidey. WE’RE friends already, remember? I can be everything you need.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): and the crush re-arises.

HT: HES NOT MY CRUSH

 SM: oh my god johnny why didn’t you say anything???

S2: wow you seriously can’t have a conversation with them

S3: pretty interesting actually

HT: I hate you!!

SM: come lay your head on these thighs. See how long that lasts

HT: …is that a promise?

SM: no. Social distance thyself, heathen

DD: boys

DD: take it down to a 6 before I renegade on my promise to the lord and kill you both.

HT: yessir

SM: yessir

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Torchy. Call me ‘sir.’

HT: who are you, my dad? Fuck off.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): aASDJF:SDJFsdf

JB: lol. Sorry, Wilson. It’s just not going to happen. I’m peacing out, y’all.

S3: byeeee

S2: bye!

S4: bye!!!

HT: bye!!

SM: yo. Johnny with no H

HT: Yea, Spidey with no hyphen?

SM: …I’m leaving that

HT: Are you? It doesn’t bother you at all?

SM: I said I’m leaving it

S2: omg Spidey, did you want a hyphen?

SM: it doesn’t matter. It’s faster to type it without. It’s not IMPORTANT. JOHNNY.

HT: yes, dear?

SM: come over.

HT: social distancing

SM: I got the all clear from the doc. Incinerate all the cells on you and then come over

HT: why

SM: stressed.

HT: routine disrupted, aunt abandoned, home alone, mountain of responsibilities?

SM: yes.

HT: k I’m on my way. Can I bring my computer?

SM: yeah of course. thanks I love you

HT: np love you too be there soon! ❤

S2: what just happened?

S3: …friendship?

S4: I want a friend like that

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you really don’t, kiddo. Bad for health.

S4: good for happiness. You have a friend like that, don’t you Wade?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): uhhhhh

S2: Nate?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh. Yeah, actually. A few I guess.

S4: how do I find one? My friends are all just nice.

S2: I’m your evil friend, Bitsy

S4: yeah, but you’re too old. Spidey and Torch are like the same age, aren’t they?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yeah I think they’re about a month apart

DD: horrible for that month

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yeah, they’re the absolute worst for those 30 days

S2: you know what’s the actual worst for this 30 days?

S3: life?

S2: life

S4: life.

BT: Life UwU

DD: you guys, it’s going to be okay. We’ve lived through much worse, much harder bullshit than this.

S2: yeah, I guess. Still sucks though.

S3: big sigh

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ehn. It’ll be over before you know it. Shit’s moving fast. Just keep on keeping on and we’ll be on the other side of it soon enough.

DD: please take it from us olds.

S4: okay will do.

S2: thanks Olds.

S3: 😊 Thanks olds.

DD: is this the last chat that’s going up?

S2: hmm? Oh. Yeah it is!

DD: Very good. Okay, so. Wade, I’ve been meaning to tell you something, sir.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): wait

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): OH MY GOD

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): did you just call me???

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): REDTHEW. You devil you. You precious little shit.

DD: don’t get used to it.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ehehehehehe

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): k

DD: stay safe everyone. From our team to yours.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): stay safe!!

S2: yeah!

S3: ^^

BT: ^^^^

S4: Dave and Spidey say stay safe too!! We love you guys! We’re gonna get through this all! Please keep social distancing and washing your hands and doing what you can to support local businesses and each other and before you know it, we’ll be on the other side of things.

---

Blindspot: this is the last chat in this series everyone. Hope it brings you joy. We had fun doing it, but man, y’all don’t need to know any more of our personal lives. Link

Little Spidey (Pink): last chat for now, friends! Have a look to see Spidey and the Human Torch’s idea of friendship. Everyone please continue to stay safe and be kind to your local essential workers! Link

Spiderman 4.0: We had so much fun doing these with you guys! Thanks so much for reading along with us. We hope they made you laugh or at least feel a little less alone. Bye until next time! Link