It's a crime scene
Natalia watched Barnes as he walked into the ensuite, she'd insisted on getting them one room between the two of them which he wasn't sure how he felt about but she'd decided that it was the best way for her to figure him out properly. It'd give him the same chance to figure her out too which was something she knew he needed whether he wanted to admit it or not, she knew he was struggling and in truth so was she, she just wasn't sure what to do about it.
She hadn't been in close quarters with him in over sixty years and that was something she was going to have to learn to deal with. She needed him to be open and honest with her and if he was in another place that wasn't going to happen. She want trying to trap him, she had told him if he wanted his own room he was free to do so. He'd chosen thusfar to stay. He had chosen, she hadn't made him do anything. She'd given him a choice and he'd taken this option which told her he wanted to figure this out just as much as she did.
If they were like this she could decide wholly once and for all that she could trust him; he shut the door to get a shower and she sighed, she sat on the bed and reached into her bag to pull out her cell phone, it was the first time that she'd turned it on since she'd left. She turned it over and over in her hand before she turned it over to read the multitude of notifications she had and she unlocked it and started to read through all of the text messages. She had over 25 of them.
At least 9 were off of Clint. She opened them and scrolled through them so she could find the first one and read down from there.
Hey Tasha, I'm really worried right now, you're scaring the hell out of everyone. I don't know what happened to you but I miss you. I got your back, I've always had your back so come back home. We can figure this out together.
She released a sigh as she read it, she could tell how much he cared for her. She could tell how much he wanted to help and a part of her wished he could. A part of her wished he could get through this with her but it wasn't possible.
Nat seriously come home, 'kay? You're scaring the shit out of me. I'm really worried. Don't you dare die on me out there or I swear I'll bring you back and kill you myself, don't think I won't! If Barnes found you yet tell him he's an asshole, if he hasn't he's looking for you but still tell him he's an asshole. I don't know what the deal with you and him is but tell him he better make sure you stay alive or I'll shoot him. You know you have family back here, come back safe. Just come back.
She felt bad. She scrolled through the rest of the messages which were mostly him telling her he was worried about her, one or two ranting about the fact that he was pretty sure he had a concussion and he wasn't happy about it and that she needed to whack Barnes in the head for him to get even. She made a mental note of asking James what it was that he'd done to him to warrant both being called an asshole and her being instructed to hit him. She shook her head and laughed.
She had another 9 messages off of Steve who had probably had Sharon text her for him because he wasn't great with that stuff, it was mostly apologies and reminders that she wasn't alone out here if she didn't want to be, that he hoped Bucky - it still made her cringe slightly when she heard that - had found her and that while Steve didn't know what was going on out here he hoped she knew he'd have her back if she needed it. He promised her she could come home no matter what.
She appreciated the sentiment, he was a good man and not any part of her doubted that. It didn't matter whether it was the person she was now or the person she'd become she didn't believe for one second that Steve Rogers was anything but a good man. She knew that once, she'd have been taught to believe otherwise but she knew it wasn't true. She could see why James cared so much for him and why he'd been willing to do whatever he could to be better for his friends sake.
She also had 3 messages off of Maria Hill and 2 off of Nick Fury, she had a few off of other people too and she couldn't help but sigh. It seemed as though James and Clint were both right: she had people out there who cared about her and it made her uneasy. She should find comfort in the fact but she didn't. This side of her wasn't used to having people care.
She still wasn't sure how she felt about him being here much less the idea of anyone else coming out here after her.
Decidedly, she opened the message thread with Clint Barton and decided against her better judgment to reply. If she didn't she had no doubt he'd do something dumb. Dumb was pretty much what he did best when he was trying to help people he cared about.
Natalia typed out a message that she hoped would deter him from following, she wrote:
Barton stop being dramatic I'm fine, I'm still alive and I don't want you coming after me so don't be an idiot. Barnes found me a few days ago and he's insisting on coming with me so I doubt he's going to let me die. I don't need a hero here so just don't, stay home. Stay alive. Don't be dumb this time.
she hoped that would stop him, it was either that or texting him back at all would prove to be a mistake that would come around and bite her in the ass. You could never tell with things like that but she hoped the former would be true and the latter wouldn't happen.
She released a sigh and turned off her phone again and removed the SIM card just as Barnes emerged from the bathroom and she waved gently before she tossed her phone back into her bag. He watched her and rose a brow curiously at her.
"Everything okay?"
She nodded her head at his question.
"I texted Barton back. He sent a bunch of messages, he sounded worried..." she drifted off, she was starting to sound remarkably like Natasha rather than the girl she was fighting to be now.
James had a telltale smile on his face as he walked over and sat down beside her, his arm slipped around her shoulder as he pulled her into a sideways hug. She still cared, she was still in touch some of her humanity and that was a good sign, it could very well be fleeting but it was still a good sign.
"What?" She frowned as she glanced at him. "He also said you were an asshole by the way."
That seemed to amuse James because he laughed and shrugged.
"I don't need him to like me, saving you was more important." As he spoke, she glared at him.
"I don't need saving James." She was irritated at the very implication of it.
"That came out wrong." He sounded exacerbated as he looked toward her.
His hand moved to her cheek and he s turned her face carefully looking for anything in her face that'd tell him what was going on in her head. He couldn't figure her out and it was bothering him to no end. Naturally she noticed the way he studied her and she frowned.
"I don't wanna lose you again, not when I'm just starting to get you back. I came out here to find you because I needed to make it right, I didn't know. That whole time I was out I didn't know and I want you to know how sorry I am for that. I want you to know I wish I remembered then." He sounded so sad.
She was still battling with figuring out emotions in her renewed former state, she had only ever admitted feelings for him in her long, extensive life. She'd lived a hell of a long time and in all of that she'd only ever loved once. She'd only ever felt anything true and real with him.
It was easier to listen to his feelings knowing that. Knowing how she had cared for him and loved him when nothing else had been real to her made it easier to sit here now and listen to him admit his regret at losing what they had. She'd lived with it while he hadn't.
"I'm used to losing people." She tried to sound dismissive. "Nothing in this life is permanent not even for us."
He didn't like how dismissive she was acting and that showed in the expression currently on painted on his features.
"Don't do that. You had to stand there and pretend you weren't hurting then but you don't have to now. It's you and me here, talk to me. I need you to talk to me, Natalia. Don't shut me out." He needed it to be open and honest or more the ever.
He was still relearning his mind just as she was here and pretenses and bravado wasn't going to help either one of them, he needed her to be open and honest with him and her? She made a decision at that moment that'd change the direction of her mission entirely, she placed her hand on his cheek as her forehead rested against his.
"I'm sorry..." She whispered.
He frowned and looked questionably toward her, he didn't even see what was coming next, he didn't see as she pulled the needle out of her bag behind him until she jabbed it into his neck and pushed the plunger down, wide eyed and clearly confused, silently asking her why with words that just wouldn't come she could see him fighting desperately against her sedative.
She felt awful but it was all she could think of; she was trying to do the right thing.
She gently guided him down toward the mattress before she leaned down to kiss him and sighed.
"Your emotions are too much of a liability, James." She stated quietly. "You'll get yourself killed with your hero complex."
He definitely was not going to die for her. He wanted to fix what they were and make peace with what had happened and while she understood that, she didn't need the distraction.
Not now.
If she was distracted they'd both end up dead or she'd be running for the rest of her life because she'd started something he'd made her too distracted to finish, he could make his peace with all of this and so would she but only when all of this was over but until then, she couldn't allow it to distract her.
"I'm so sorry." It was the last thing he saw or heard before he blacked out.
It was necessary but it didn't make it any easier for her to have to do. He deserved better.