The chill in my bones

Did she have direction? Absolutely. The fight between one side of her and the other was exhausting but so far the person she'd become wasn't winning out against the person she was before and she was locked inside of her own mind as she watched the chaos unfold around her; the rifle in her hand was as familiar to her as her own beating heart was and she was well trained enough to make the shot easily. He'd made sure she was well trained enough for that.

Her finger slid to the trigger and a smirk crossed her features, the cold metal beneath her hands was a pleasure that she hadn't felt for a hell of a long time. The sound rang out in the darkness, silence broken by an explosion that rocked the air around her and the kickback rocked her shoulder, it felt like someone had gotten in a half decent punch but she was used to it by now. It'd bruise, her body was considerably smaller but by no means frail.

She watched through the scope as the bullet tore through her target and he dropped to the floor, she maintained the wicked smirk on her lips as she rose easily dusting herself off. Rooftops were rarely clean but they provided easy lines of sight. People always thought they were safe in their comforts but from people like her there was no such thing as safe. One down and a whole list to go. She dismantled the gun and put it away before she slipped down the fire escape and made her way back to her safehouse. It wouldn't be safe for long... Safe was a relative word for people like her anyway.

Even when she'd been trying to fight for a better life safe had been a relative term. She didn't care anymore, let them come. Let them try to stop the oncoming storm and they'd be destroyed by it and she wouldn't care. Why should she care? This wasn't her life anymore. That had never been her life and she was fooling herself if she thought otherwise. 

She glanced around and she threw the basic supplies into what could only be described as a go bag, she knew that if Barton were smart enough he'd find this place and so she left the shell on the bed along with a note that challenged him saying only two words: Find me. 

The thought of it made her laugh. He wouldn't save her this time and she vowed it, she wasn't going to go so easily this time around. Something inside of her was truly, wholly broken. James... The thought of him made her stagger, she placed her hand against the wall to steady herself and the other moved to her head and she shook her head profusely. No. She'd watched that tonight and it had broken something deep down inside of her and she hated them for it.

They'd made her watch. They'd made her be there and they'd pay for it.

In just a few hours she wouldn't even be in the country anyway, by the time they caught up to her if they were even trying she'd be as far away as she could get... Or at least that's what they'd think. She wasn't working from nothing, not this time around.

She had a choice.

She had a choice and a list of people that she'd cross off one by one, some would meet quick ends and others would be forced to endure something far slower, something far more akin to what they'd done to her and she vowed they deserved it.

They wanted a monster, well they were damn well going to get one. If her 'friends' thought that they could save her this time around, she'd show them that there was nothing left to save. Natalia vowed revenge against every person that had ever torn her apart and if that had to mean Natasha's little friends then so be it. She didn't care. They didn't matter to the darker side of her, she'd proved that just ten minutes ago.

One down, one down, so, so many more to go.

No one that had ever manipulated her and made her go through hell would live beyond this and she'd make damn sure of it. Even if someone happened to be able to bring her around, even if they could save her this time around she'd make sure they were left wondering whether or not there was anything in there even worth saving. Fake names, fake passports, more covers than she cared to remember swam around in her mind and it was literally a case of plucking one out of the abyss inside of her and using it until she didn't need to anymore.

Natasha Romanov was no use to her now. It was just another burned cover and nothing more, she didn't give a damn about the life that came along with it.

She didn't bother with an airport when she wanted to get out of the country, not when she could call in a favor from Natasha's little book of debts and get out of the country on a private plane, that would make it even harder for her little friends to track. Ha. They needed to remember that Natasha had contacts that not even they knew about, it was an unfair game of cat and mouse but she was going to have as much fun as she could in playing it.

She'd leave them a trail of bodies to follow because those that would fall to this deserved it.

She vowed they wouldn't save her this time. Barton would try and he'd be a fool for it. She'd shoot him this time around and he'd be damn well sorry he even tried; everyone that'd try to save her was miles behind her at this point anyway and they'd already lost over 24 hours, by the time they'd caught up she'd be somewhere else.

It was no secret that one of the facilities that she'd been in during her early life was in Siberia, she'd told Barton that years ago and she wondered now as she lay in the cold snow if he'd remember that she'd ever told him, she knew he'd be panicking right now so it was a debate on what he would or wouldn't remember when his brain was scrambled.

Do you know what it's like to be unmade?

You know that I do.

If only Barton knew how many times Natalia had really been unmade over and over again, how many people she'd been forced to be, how many kills she really had to her name. He knew nothing of the girl that he'd saved that night beyond what she wanted him to know and that had been out of distrust back then but over time it had become about protecting herself. It wasn't that she didn't trust Clint it was that she didn't trust anyone else.

Looks like that had been the smart move now. SHIELD had been HYDRA, they'd been the same organisation that had once been involved in her training, the same organisation that had partnered her with a man that would go on to become the single most important person in her world back then only to tear them apart in the most brutal way imaginable.

That was what had broken her now, that memory had become a trigger and one that she didn't even know she had.

It was cruel.

She could see in the back of her mind the when she'd first met James. She'd been 17 years old and he'd been assigned to train her and almost immediately there had been a connection between the two of them and it was in the cold confines of this prison that their hell had begun. They were little more than toys, toys that had made the mistake of falling in love and trying to build their own lives and they'd been punished severely for that.

She vowed back then that she'd make them pay the moment she got the chance and now she had it. Natasha... The person she'd become wanted to stay away from that life of hers and bury her pain but this side of her had to live with it and she'd be damned if that debt went unpaid.

She'd stopped by one of their drops earlier that day and it was well stocked with weapons just as she knew it would be. He was always proficient, the two of them relied on drops like that to resupply and communicate back in the day and that - it seemed - remained something he held to now whether he was aware of why he did or not.

She left a note there too though this one in Russian solely for him not that she thought he'd be there if anyone managed to track her this far.

It was a thank you note. A thank you for staying true to a pattern she doubted he even remembered. She thanked him for always being something she could rely on... It almost sounded like a goodbye note. Almost.

She hadn't been able to bring her weapons with her of course bar the suit because that was easily accessible back at her apartment so she was glad he'd left what he had, it saved her from contacting anyone she knew out here and risking blowing her cover because she needed weapons, if it came to that though she would she'd just kill them afterward. Tie up loose ends and all that. Those kinds of loose ends were just expendable anyway.

He'd taught her how to shoot in places like this, he'd taught her how to use her surroundings to her advantage, he'd taught her now to use cover, remain unseen and yet still accomplish what she needed and she appreciated that now.

She took out the two guards on the roof easily enough, the three on the ground were shooting blindly once they heard the shots which made her roll her eyes, it was almost childish. Hadn't they been training them anymore? They were stupid, they were making more noise than anything else because no one was hitting anything. She was surprised they hadn't shot each other yet so she simply watched the display for a few minutes out of pure amusement before she put them out of their misery with three quick shots all through the head.

She always was quite the proficient little killer.

Getting inside was easy, vents were simple to slip through especially when you were used to it and she'd been trained to know the layout of facilities like this like the back of her hand, it was all still inside of that brilliant brain of hers, she could avoid cameras this way and no one would know she was there until she wanted them to just like he'd taught her. She wondered if her mentor would be proud now... If he had any idea who she was anyway.

She was quite amused if she was going to be honest at the sheer lack of internal security but then she knew that they didn't think anyone would be brave enough to break in here but considering they now had two rogue assets you'd think they'd up security and stop being cocky about it. She dropped down in the main lab and her hands ran over the vials of chemicals as she held her gun on six scientists informing all of them that she needed to know what they used to make their assets compliant, two had tried to scramble to alert security but once she'd shot out the panels and informed them the next would be aimed at their heads they'd stopped trying that and started to be more compliant.

For about three minutes anyway.

They'd refused at first to tell her anything about the chemicals, two were dead by the time the other four agreed to her demands and showed her what she wanted. She just needed to memorize the names, they were useless to her anyway and while she'd love to turn these assholes into walking talking lab rats like they'd done to her she simply did not have the time lucky for them...

She'd already made up her mind what she was going to do but she made sure to download the information she wanted first. She was angry but she was also smart. angry, very bitter and planning to ensure no one made it out of here alive. She'd made them give her access to their systems anyway and she'd gotten everything she needed, she wanted to know exactly what it was that they'd done to both of them over the years because even her memories were tricky when it came to remembering everything.

Memories were fickle little creatures.

She could've taken the vents out again but she didn't. She took the corridors and she took out as many of their security as she possibly could, not because she had to but because she wanted to, she'd almost forgotten how loud shots were when they rang out in an enclosed space, the sound literally bounced off of the walls. The echoes of bullets and screams was like music... A very specific piece written only for her and one that left her ears ringing at that, it was a strange sentiment.

She wanted them to know what she was doing and that was exactly why she'd made it as messy as she could, they'd watch the footage and they'd know. She wanted them to know that they were screwed. Them making that a trigger for her was the last straw, they'd hurt her one too many times and now they'd pay for it. 

She was aware of the fact that she was painting a target on her back again but she really, truly did not care. She blew the whole damn facility with everyone inside, she didn't have to of course she just wanted to prove a point.

Two things down, she really was doing well with this little list of hers...

Clint Barton did not stop asking questions. At all. While he understood that Natalia's little note had worried him, Bucky had told him to shut up at least a dozen times before he'd literally resorted to threatening to kill him if he didn't stop talking. It didn't work. He glowered at him as he sat in the back of a quinjet, Steve was pissed which was to be expected but it wasn't like any of this was his fault. Steve didn't exactly say he was pissed but he had that little telltale glare anyway.

Not one damn bit of this was his fault. He hadn't exactly been putting too much thought into whatever she was trying to get him to remember with what she'd said to him in amongst running for his life and trying not to be turned into a weapon again. It wasn't as though he'd decided on keeping secrets for the hell of it. He wasn't even aware of most of it himself.

It had been a hell of a few weeks and now it seemed like he didn't even get any peace from it. Clint had been sounding off a list of places he thought that they should check, missions that the two of them had undertaken in the last 15 years but he knew it was pointless. She wasn't going to revisit any of them.

At least not yet, eventually maybe if she decided she wanted to come in safely but not now.

Steve eventually had gotten annoyed with it all and asked if someone could give him some direction. Clint had tried to say something but Bucky shut him up with a glare and he looked back at Steve and released a sigh.

"Siberia. It's where she was raised, or one of the places anyway. It was the place her and I met." It was where I was held...

He didn't say that part out loud, instead he inhaled a deep breath and nodded as Steve asked him if he was sure and he closed his eyes then and rested his head back against the metal side and just tried his best not to think which was a task in and of itself. Trying not to think was actually a hell of a lot worse than letting your mind just do whatever it was it needed to do so he'd given up instead and was left to try to sort through his messy brain.

Which he wanted to do in silence but Clint Barton insisted in walking over to sit opposite him and he nudged his foot with his boot. Bucky reached for the gun next to him and held it on the archer without even opening his eyes.

"You breathe really loud." Bucky stated, he didn't even have to open his eyes to know where Clint was sat.

"And you're a huge asshole." Clint shot back.

Bucky opened his eyes literally to roll them and shake his head.

"Did you have a point there or were you just trying to insult me? Because honestly I don't care what you have to say." He found Clint annoying.

Very freaking annoying. Clint didn't seem to care about that at all because a smug smirk made its way onto the archers features and Bucky could swear he was actually triumphant about having successfully annoyed him. That made him more angry but he breathed through it.

"You need to answer my questions eventually." Clint spoke clearly trying to find a way past Bucky's defenses.

He found nothing and Bucky made damn sure he didn't.

"No, I don't." He sounded bored as he spoke. "I told you I'd help you track her, I told you I wouldn't tell you anything that wasn't relevant to doing that."

Bucky was adamant that he wasn't going to tell any of them anything that wasn't directly relevant to finding Natalia and he didn't have to either. It wasn't anyone else's business how he knew her, how well he knew her or how he cared for her. It was getting clearer and clearer and a part of him wanted to scream out, a part of him wanted to lash out and just let the anger of what he'd lost bubble over but he couldn't.

He remained composed because he has no other choice.

He remained composed on the outside but inside a storm raged that threatened to swallow what little remained of his sanity whole... If he even had any. She was the one thing that he'd held to in all of that pain until they'd buried what he felt for her so deep inside of him that it had taken all of this to bring it out again even if it was little by little. He remembered just little pieces but it was starting to form a clearer picture the more he thought about it.

"It could be relevant to finding her." Clint shot back. "You don't know it isn't."

Bucky rose a brow as he regarded him with a disdainful look. 

"You asked me fifteen times what happened with her and I, you asked me nine times why I knew what I knew about her. You asked me another seven when I told you I wasn't going to tell you no matter how many times you asked me if She and I were a 'thing'." He did the quotations with Thing and he glared at Clint again.

"Tell me how any of that is relevant to finding her."

Clint opened his mouth to say something before he shut up and sighed. He leaned back and looked around looking altogether embarrassed.

"I guess it isn't..." He sounded like a scorned child.

"I told you both I knew where she might go because it's where she's been before. If she's retracing any of her steps..." Siberia would make sense. Bucky drifted off.

"And the shot back in New York?" Clint probed.

"Necessary I'm guessing." She wouldn't have done anything like that without a purpose.

It could've been to get attention but it was the wrong kind of attention. She'd made that kill for a reason which meant she'd found some connection between that and her past and she'd wanted it terminated. She wouldn't have killed someone like that for the hell of it. Bucky released a sigh.

"I can't tell you every step she's planning to take here because I don't know. I'm not in her head. I can tell you what Natalia might do because I know at least some of her pain and anger but I don't know it all. I'm taking shots in the dark here and hoping for the best just like you are." He couldn't predict her.

Once he knew her well enough to know every move she might make but that was a very long time ago. That wasn't here or now. He didn't know her that well anymore as much as it pained him because decades had passed since that time and he'd been a weapon while she'd tried to move on and build a life for herself. He was proud of her for that. He'd always wanted her to get out he'd just wanted to get out with her.

"So what might she do?" Clint questioned.

It was the first smart question he'd asked all day. Bucky looked toward him and for the first time he looked like he didn't want to hit him. 

"My guess is if she's gone back home, back where she was raised? She's gonna make 'em pay. If she went back she's looking to destroy them like they destroyed her." He spoke with a quiet pain as glanced toward Steve and back to Clint again.

He knew what he had to do, he knew exactly what his next step was but he knew too that the two men he was with weren't going to like it. Bucky Barnes rose to his feet and he looked almost apologetic as he spun quickly, his foot connected with the side of Barton's head and he knocked him clean out to the ground. Steve - hearing the commotion - turned instantly and he looked wide eyed toward Bucky who simply stood there and sighed.

"Don't make me get into it with you please." He sounded desperate.

"I can find her. I can bring her in but I can't do it with you two tagging along. I know that girl, the one she was before she met any of you and that's who I need to find now. I don't need someone trying to force her brain to break even more. If she's reverted back to that there's a reason for it. Something in her broke and if you try to force her into being who she became again you'll do more damage." His eyes never left his friend as he spoke.

"Please, Steve. Let me find her. Let me help her. You asked for my help and this is the best way. I thought I could work with this but I can't. The moment I really thought about where she was going and why she might be doing it I know she's not the person any of you knew right now. If you want her to be okay you need to let me do this my way. I'll call in if I need help, if I find her and I know she's ready to come in I'll call but you need to let me work through this with her without any of you putting pressure on her to be anything else."

That was going to do much damage. He was trying his best to explain that to Steve without telling him too much. He could incapacitate Steve if he really needed to and he knew Steve knew that too but it'd take much longer and expend more effort than he was willing when he knew that there was already so much that needed to be done. He was tired, he was tired and he was worried and his mind was in a tailspin that he was trying to ignore because he did not want to make it too obvious that this had stirred something up he was struggling with.

Natalia, his little Ballerina. The love of his life... He'd forgotten all about her and he felt terrible and now she was out there in their world and her anger would be making her reckless and stupid.

"She's gonna get herself killed." Bucky spoke with a sense of worry lacing his voice he'd sworn was impossible just days ago.

He knew it was true though, right now her mind was just as much a mess as his was and there was no way in hell she was thinking clearly and she was working through decades of anger that her friends knew nothing at all about. If they came along she'd just get worse and he knew it.

"I'm doing this with or without your permission." He stated with a shrug.

Steve - assessing him - released a sigh and nodded. He wasn't particularly happy about him knocking Clint out because Clint was going to be mad as heck about that when he woke up and he'd be a huge pain about it but he knew that Bucky was just trying to save himself a pointless argument that would take far longer than he wanted to waste. It was clear he cared. Steve might not understand that and he might never understand it but he had to trust him to do what he assured him he could do.

"Go. Bring her home." Steve nodded his head with a weak smile.

"Thank you." Bucky nodded as he opened the door to the quinjet and with a gun strapped to his back, he jumped into the cold snow below him and headed to the one place he knew she'd have been first.

It wouldn't be hard for him to follow the trail of destruction, it wasn't like she'd made a quiet exit.