In the beginning of June, in the middle of the warm sunny night, there were two girls talking on the phone. The phone call had begun around nine pm and now the clock on the older’s wall was pointing at four. They had talked about everything and nothing, things that mattered and things that didn’t. They had listened to music together, had laughed and almost cried. They had shared secrets, and now the younger had said she had something to confess, a secret that had been pressing her for months already.
A secret the older knew about, but she hadn’t said anything, because she hadn’t known what to say, what to answer. She had known for weeks, if not months, and now the younger was about to tell her, was about to put the older into a difficult position.
“The crush I’ve been telling you about, it’s on you. I’m crushing on you.” The younger one said after a few minutes of silence. The older’s brain started moving, she began thinking what to actually answer, yeah, she had thought about kissing the younger, loved cuddling with her, but she didn’t have a crush, not really. Yeah, maybe they could try to date, have fun together, but would it be lying to say that she liked the other back? Maybe, definitely. And she ended up lying.
“Oh, I, I like you too,”
***
A few days after that, they decided to meet up for the first time after their conversation. They had been texting every day, planning it, deciding they would be together, they would date. The older still felt bad for lying, but she didn’t know what else to do. She wanted it, but she didn’t.
They were at the older’s place, watching television, the older’s favorite movie to be exact, and the younger was making fun of it; she didn’t understand why the older found it so fascinating. In the end, the older ended up just cuddling the younger to shut her up and the younger took it as a permission to kiss.
And they kissed, made out, the younger taking the lead, moving her tongue in the older’s mouth, kissing her again and again and again while the older just tried to keep her head straight. She felt nauseated, it felt too wet, too much, too everything, and she felt like she should just run away, but she couldn’t. Kissing is a part of a relationship.
Soon the younger had had enough and suggested they’d go out, which the older thought would be a good idea. They wouldn’t kiss in public, probably. She quickly changed her clothes to something that would be better for the weather and put her shoes on, “let’s go to a café!”
“Yeah, that sounds good!” the younger replied, putting her own shoes on. And so they took the bus to the café, sharing a piece of mudcake, the younger drinking an iced coffee and the older a lemonade. They sat across from each other, talking about things like they used to do before this whole dating thing, which made the older a bit more comfortable, a bit more like she was doing the right thing.
After having their drinks and eating the piece of cake, they decided to go to a beach, one the older loved to visit, and where she spent a lot of time during her summer vacation. First they sat down on a large rock near the actual beach, just looking at the kids and their parents running around, talking about nothing and everything, sharing a few pecks carefully, the younger making sure no one saw anything.
After a while the younger suggested they’d get into the water and the older laughed out a yes, taking off his pants to reveal a pair of shorts she wore underneath. They ended up running around and throwing water at each other, having fun. Just like two friends, just like they might’ve done before, if they had actually been friends that hung out together, instead of friends that never met up just the two of them, the younger only trusting phone calls alone with the older.
Soon the younger’s parents called, telling her that she should be home in an hour, so the girls decided to move closer to the younger's home, taking a bus there and climbing to sit on a small cliff. And there, while they were alone, they talked, the younger saying that it had to be a secret, no one could ever know about them being together. The older agreed, not knowing what else to do.
Even over two years after their break-up, only their group of friends had been told about it.
***
They didn’t meet up for a few weeks after that, the older trying to clear her head and actually make herself like the younger. Then she went on a confirmation school camp, which made her think a lot. Actually, it kind of broke her, she had a breakdown, not really sure why, but quite sure it was because of her lie and the fact that her mental health had already been deteriorating earlier. It left her messed up, the last of her will to live lost. She was afraid she’d wake up the next morning and then the morning after that and then the morning after that.
***
Then they met up again for a short get-away at the older’s grandpa’s. Four days together with her cousins and aunts and uncle, mostly spending their time with the same aged cousins, boys that were both crushing on the younger.
Their days were spent cycling around, swimming in lakes, visiting the cottage and playing different games, nights were handsy, trial and error, trying to learn from each other, hugging, cuddling, kissing. They were the last point in giving the older the revelation - she was actually asexual. It gave her peace, not fully, but realization helped her, she wasn’t as lost anymore, wasn’t as weirded out.
The nights were spent throwing around I love you’s, not really meaning them, the acts during which the words came out scarred the older, though she enjoyed them in the moment, even if it felt wrong. She had finally crushed on the younger, and felt that this was the right way to show it, the right way to tell it without telling it. Weeks, months, and years later it gave her nightmares and panic attacks, made her hate her body and mind.
***
When they went back home, the older one decided she couldn’t deal with it anymore, she couldn't live like that. She stopped contacting the younger, answered rarely, and barely said anything. She tried to avoid the younger the best she could, they didn’t meet up anymore with just the two of them.
They couldn’t abandon their group though, so they met up twice with all five of them, ruining even the half-forced friendship the two had had before. In the eyes of the others, they had just had a fall-out, which wasn’t unexpected - the older had been crushing on a completely different person before, and if the younger had told her about her feelings, maybe they needed time apart. They didn’t suspect a thing, not before the younger told them after their break-up, making the whole group wary of the older, almost cutting her out.
It took three months for the older to get out of the dark place she had been in, which she needed to succeed before talking things through with the younger, and the phone call had them both crying in their beds, the younger doing the hard work, saying the words necessary for the painful relationship to actually end. The older just couldn’t do it, because she would've wanted to continue, now that she had gotten to a better place, somewhere, where she might’ve been able to be honest with the younger.
They were both hurting after that, the older one wasn't able to go to school for multiple days after that, and wasn't able to do anything. But with time, she got back there, broken, but pretending. It left them both messed up, but ready for new things
***
The younger was dating immediately after their break-up, having already crushed on another person for a while, while for the younger it took months, almost half a year to crush again, but when she did, she fell with her whole heart.
They thought they were over each other by then - the younger having been in a relationship for five months when the older begun dating again - but it turned out to be wrong, the older was over it, completely, not having had that strong feelings for the other at any point, but the younger realized she had never really gotten over the older, needing to work for it still. But during their relationship together, the younger had fallen, where the older would’ve called it a crush at best.
In the end, their relationship broke them both, just to make them stronger apart.
***
I really did wrong, I know that, I’ve known it since the beginning, but please hear me out. I know I lied to her to get into a relationship, but now I know it was just because I needed something to tell me I was “normal”, not weird or wrong. I needed to tell myself I actually could have someone to call mine and still function as a human being, which I couldn’t, not in that relationship, not really even in the next one, but that’s another story to tell. The relationship made me paranoid, afraid of every little thing, of friendships and people. But it made me think and it helped me, it helped her too, made her a better person.
Nowadays, years later, we’re still friends, not as close as we were for a few years there, after our break-up. She was the person who held me together during my next break-up.
Why am I making this public? I’m not sure, I just kind of want to get it out. When I published this the first time, it was to tell our friends that we were both at fault, even though I’m showing my mistakes here more, because it’s her thing to tell her own mistakes, but she has also learned from them. We both made mistakes and we were both wounded from them. She had to get over her first love, I had to get my mental health back in check, and even though it was harder for her at first, it took me years longer to actually completely heal from it.
It was also to help me understand myself, to come out to my friends too, show myself that I’m okay, I’m not broken or faulted, I’m not gonna disappoint everyone around me just by being myself, being me. I can be a functional adult when I need to, I can do this.
I can come out, tell people I’m not gay, I’m not sexually attracted to people, I’m not a girl. Which all are things people think I am, cuz it’s the easiest to let them assume than word out the truth.
So with this, I think I can leave the last wounded part of me here and start a new chapter in my life. It’ll get easier, it’ll get better. I’m okay.
There’s just one more chapter that I’m not ready to let go of yet, not even after almost six years, but after I’ve gathered the courage to do that, I can forget, or so I wish.
Thank you