Chapter 18
2013, date redacted
Natasha texts Maria to update her on the situation. The woman would be coming with Pepper in an hour.
"Clint, you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, I have to-"
"Call Laura," Natasha offers, passing him his phone.
"Yeah, I'll help you check on your girls too, hold on, I'll just go," Clint exhales shakily and leaves Natasha in the hallway.
Natasha stares after him, but there's more people she needs to check on.
Next, Tony.
2013, date redacted
"Tony," Natasha says as she strides into his lab.
"Hey Vodka Aunt, what's up? Just been making upgrades to the cuffs, looks like Reindeer Games is stronger than we know, or Thor knew."
"Tony," Natasha says, stopping in front of Tony, making Tony look up.
"Yes, Natasha?"
Oh, Tony's using her name now.
"Have you tried talking to anyone, Pepper? Rhodey? Heck, even Steve?"
Tony sighs and is going to go back to doing his work when Natasha sits on his table.
"Tony."
Tony sighs and looks at her.
"No, okay? It's not like they can do anything about it. It's over, the problem now is how to contain Loki. So will you please let me work?"
Natasha grips Tony's wrist, preventing him from starting again.
"I'm a spy, Tony. You forget I've been keeping track of you for some time now. I know your patterns. Go get some sleep. Continue tomorrow. Talk to someone, for god's sake. You're not the only one suffering in silence. Just say something, and we're here. You're part of the team, you're not just Iron Man. Heck, you could talk to Maria, she'd understand."
"Our resident Ice Queen? Nah, I'd rather talk to Horned God. No offense, but she's like Nick Fury the second. Cold. Distant. I've seen you put displays of emotion with more range than dear Hill."
"Just because we don't show it around everyone doesn't mean we don't have emotions, Tony. We are human, we need some sort of release. If we were really that sociopathic we wouldn't have been able to clear psych evaluations, which seems like something the Avengers need. Back on track, I'm serious. You have to learn to manage the trauma. Talk, or maybe talk to Dum-E or JARVIS, sometimes when people don't judge its easier to talk."
'Who do you talk to then? sSince you, you know, admitted you have feelings and you're not a robot."
Natasha shoots him a glare.
"Ah, so you don't talk either."
"I compartmentalise. I talk sometimes, but not often. You, however, are not trained to do so. If you really want to know, you can see my files. There's the general gist of it, but I'm sure with that genius brain fo yours you can uncover all the redacted secrets."
Natasha lowers her walls, lets Tony see the first layer to the tight cocoon she keeps herself wrapped up in, in mysteries and secrets and blood and sweat.
"I don't need to know who you were, I only need to know you as you are now," Tony shrugs, and it feels like the first step.
"Get some sleep. It looks like the Avengers will have to assemble soon," Natasha finally says, dipping her head and leaving Tony with a lump in his throat, and the sudden awareness of the bone-deep tiredness he carried.
2013, date redacted
"Thought I'd see you here," Natasha casually says, as she steps into Peggy Carter's room and Steve looks up from reading.
"Natasha darling, it is so good to see you," Peggy says, and Natasha reaches down to give her a brief squeeze before settling down.
"Tell Steve here to stop running to me everytime he needs to talk about Sergeant Barnes. You can talk to more people than me, I'm sure they'll listen," Peggy chides.
"Sorry ma'am," Steve grins.
Natasha falls into silence as she watches Steve interact with Peggy. His eyes light up like something in him had disappeared, but finally reappeared.
After a few hours, Steve is finally getting up to leave.
He opens the door for Natasha, offering exit.
Natasha says goodbye, and they walk together from the dementia centre to the subway.
"So, you came," Steve says to break the silence.
"Of course I did Steve, did you think I didn't know Peggy Carter? She was really nice, but also badass. Made me cookies, but also taught me some fighting tricks. Then treated me to stories about her own life."
"Sounds like a nice time."
Natasha shrugs.
"She knows most of my past, she was informed by Fury, Maria and Sharon. Makes it easier to talk to her, she never judges."
"Yeah, she sees the good in everyone."
Natasha hums in agreement and they walk in silence again.
"Did you and Bucky?" Steve finally asks.
"No, never. We were never involved. He-" Natasha takes in a deep breath. It may be her past, but she didn't like to talk about it. Still, to talk to Steve, the soldier out of his time, she needed them to find shared experience and share it.
"The soldier was nice, in his own way. Sometimes, I think I see James, most of the times it is the cold-blooded warrior toy soldier HYDRA trained and conditioned him to be. He once gave me a flower, said it'd look pretty in my hair. Wore it for an hour before I had to pluck it out and destroy it or Madame would punish me. I wanted to explain. He just shook his head and nodded in understanding."
"What happened next?"
"He broke my leg in three different places, or that's what I remember at least. i don't know, my mind's a mirror maze. Fake memories implanted, distorted, real memories shattered, its a mess in here," Natasha quietly says, pointing to her head.
"I'm sorry." Steve offers.
'It's okay, I've found my purpose. I've got red in my ledger, I'd like to wipe it out. I've found my family, my life, I've found my light. It's a good life, or as good as it can get. I'm not running everyday, every minute. I'm not living in some weird, deja-vu, cruel and distorted dream anymore."
Steve nods in understanding.
"Lets run back to the tower, skip the subway. Whoever's there first gets to call dibs on the nice comfy and softest bean bag in the communal room," Steve says.
Natasha grins and runs off, Steve yelling behind her about cheating.
2013, date redacted
"What did you two do, fly here?" Tony asks as he looks up from the movie currently playing, Bruce stopping his donut stress-eating to stare too.
"We had a race. I won," Natasha smirked.
"There's some food on the kitchen counter that I got JARVIS to buy, by the way, if you need it," Tony offers.
"Thanks, I'm starving. Natasha?"
"I have to go do something first. Make sure Clint eats too, he's probably in the vents again, Birdboy," Natasha chuckles as she grabs an apple and heads out into the glowing evening again.
Steve grabs some food and settles down.
"Do you ever wonder, who's her rock, you know?" Tony casually says.
'Rock?"
"You know, how she stays sane all the time. Manages to have her life together. Not like us, not really messed up, or just is a very good pretender."
"Huh, I don't actually know," Bruce concedes.
"She cares for us, deep down in that 'I am emotionless' facade, unless its all a ruse, something Fury put her up to to keep the Avengers together," Steve admits.
"Yeah, but i don't think I've ever seen her like, broken, you know. Sad, or truly angry."
"Lost," Steve offers.
"Yeah. Like, how is she coping, she needs to share."
"She's got her own light and rock, as you so nicely put it," Clint answers, shocking Tony.
"Yeah, and what is that?" Tony challenges as Clint internally cringes.
"A cat," Clint manages to dodge.
"A cat?" Tony shrieks.
Clint nods, internally wincing. It was better than revealing her and Maria though.
"Oh my god, the lesbian has a cat, she's such a gay," Tony mumbles.