“If we do this, how to do we know it’s gonna end any differently than it did before?”
Bruce looked around the room at the group that barely represented the Avengers anymore, with Tony now all but completely shattered and heavily sedated and Thor teetering on the brink of joining him. Steve and Natasha were like he had never seen them before, uncertain and almost timid compared to the strength they each once carried with ease. Rhodey was covering his fear with prime sarcastic wit, while Rocket looked at James as if he had found his attitude’s soulmate for the first time. As well as he could read this group, Bruce also worried that they could see equally through him; he was barely a shell of his former self, hollowed and eviscerated after the snap that took so many from the universe. He couldn’t bring himself to say it aloud, and he would deny it if asked directly, but he didn’t care much for those who were gone; not in the way he should, or the way he wanted to. He only cared that Thanos took away the one good thing in his life, the one constant, the one who saw him for him, and who was equally loved by the unlovable enormous green rage monster.
He dared to take you.
~~~
Years before, in what felt like an eternity now, Bruce had met you under less than ideal conditions, in a beaten and bare shelter in Calcutta that was a risky choice on your part given that it could never withstand the Hulk had he transformed. He was lured there by a young girl pleading for his help for her father, only to find you standing in the hut alone and waiting for him after a perfectly executed plan.
“Who are you?”
“(Y/N) (Y/L/N).”
“Are you here to kill me, Miss (Y/L/N), because that’s not gonna work out so well for…everyone,” Bruce answered nervously, his hands gently wringing together. Even within himself he couldn’t tell if his anxiety was from holding the other guy back or from the attraction to you that he was trying to deny; he doesn’t often get what he wants, after all.
“No, of course not,” you reassured, “I’m here on behalf of SHIELD.”
“SHIELD,” he scoffed with a hint of disappointment in someone he had yet to know. His mind instantly began to race, feeling the energy within himself building and knowing that anger that would be soon to follow if he couldn’t keep his own imagination under control. You had told him that it was just the two of you there, but as much as he wanted to trust you, he was far too smart for that, and he didn’t need even one of his seven PhD’s to see that you were playing him to get your way. Somehow though, he honestly didn’t mind the game you had presented for him to join.
An opportunity to save the world was secondary, and not nearly enough to have been the reason for him to so readily follow you onto the helicarrier that brought him into the team which would become his dysfunctional family. Saving the world was noble and he felt that he owed it in repayment for the terrors that his alter ego had left as a recent legacy; what he cared more about now was that he knew he saw a glimmer of interest in your eyes, and not the fear that he was used to receiving every day. He saw a hint of hope of what could be, and for the first time in as long as he could recall, he felt truly brave because it would take every ounce that he had to follow you into any battle you asked of him.
But once you were all together in the same room for the first time, floating perilously over the Earth with Loki waiting for his moment to destroy what was barely created, he was only scared of one thing; his mind began to doubt you and he hated the feeling. He hated the feeling of hating you before he had a chance to prove himself completely wrong.
“Did you know about this?” Bruce snapped at you as you entered the lab, pointing to the screen filled with weapons that SHIELD had been perfecting through the Tesseract. It was damming evidence that Fury could no longer deny, thanks to Stark.
“Do you want to think about removing yourself from this environment, doctor?” you questioned in kind. You weren’t scared of Banner, but you were thankful that you had Thor at your side once you made eye contact with him for the first time. The man was pissed, and you were his focus.
“Ha,” he huffed, “I was in Calcutta, I was pretty well removed.”
“Loki is manipulating you.”
“And you’ve been doing what, exactly?”
“You didn’t come here because I bat my eyelashes at you.”
“Didn’t hurt though,” Tony snickered under his breath, but it was left unnoticed other than a barely noticeable glance for a split second to try to get his newest science buddy to shut the hell up. “What? You said she was cute-”
“Yeah,” Bruce continued a little louder, now forcing himself to look away from you before he crossed a line into regret that he wouldn’t return from, “and I’m not leaving just because you get a little twitchy.”
He wouldn’t admit aloud, however, that he also wasn’t leaving because there was no way in hell that was ready to be done being next to you yet. He didn’t know if that day would ever come when he would feel the confidence to make a move in your direction, but what he did know only a few short minutes later, was that he would never forgive the Hulk for how he nearly ruined it all with one swing of his hand.
~~~
Two full years later, and Banner still had yet to make a move.
But you didn’t want to let him completely off the hook just yet. When the time for a party came along it could be the perfect opportunity, or it could fail miserably and you could look like an idiot who thought he was interested when all he was doing was being his immensely polite self. It was a nervous polite, sure, but it was nervous with a cute giggle and coy glances across rooms hidden beneath it. So, if that’s how he wanted to play, that’s how you’d play; kindergarten rules.
You sent Natasha in for you, just to casually make a few drinks and use her master skills at flirting that ranked as high as her skills as a spy. Poor Bruce, you could feel the embarrassment emanating from him all the way across the room, not sure if his glances away from her were to hide it or if he were looking for a means of escape. The party was boisterous and truly a Stark experience, but you didn’t feel fully at ease there. Maybe it was guilt creeping up on you for making Bruce endure Nat’s advances, or maybe it was your own frustration and your ineptitude of just going up to the guy and saying how you felt. Whatever it was, you didn’t have much time to figure it out, not on this evening, anyway.
“It’s nice,” you said quietly, approaching the bar to get Bruce’s attention once Nat finally left.
“W-what? What is?”
“You and Romanoff,” you barely choked out, praying silently that he wouldn’t agree.
“What?! N-no…that’s…that was…n-nothing-“
“Bruce, it’s okay. No one’s breaking any bylaws. I’m pretty sure that Cap left out rules about flirting in that damn book he wrote for us last year. Although,” you stepped closer, leaning in and lowering your voice, “can you keep a secret, just between us?”
You didn’t flinch when he took a step closer in kind, and when his hand naturally moved to rest atop your own, “sure I can.”
“I’ve never actually read it. I lied and I cheated on the test at the end. JARVIS did it for me.”
Bruce’s eyes widened and he pushed back slightly, a very faint curl of a smile playing at the corners of his mouth, “you lied to Steve? He’s walking honesty.”
“And the most boring author I’ve ever read. That rule book is better served on my dentist’s waiting room table than it is on my bookshelf. Wait,” you stopped, mimicking his stance, “don’t tell me that you actually read it, Bruce. Please don’t ruin my view of you now, after this long.”
“Only the first chapter or so,” he sighed, “but then I skimmed. It’s all pretty much common sense if you ask me.”
“Well, sure it is, for you anyway. You’re a genius and everything makes sense to you. You’re the most intelligent man I’ve ever known.” With that he didn’t reply, instead standing silent as if his entire life depended on what words would come next from the lips that he couldn’t stop watching as they moved. It didn’t escape your notice in the least, and it gave you that little boost of confidence you were waiting for. “What I don’t understand though-“
“Is what?” he interrupted eagerly.
“Is why your hand is still holding mine?”
“Oh!” he startled, trying to pull it away, but you maintained a quick grip. “I…I thought-“
“You’re also a huge dork,” you smiled, moving to lead him to the dance floor just as a slow song began, “but don’t worry. Chicks dig that.”
~~~
As with any good thing, it wasn’t meant to last. It had barely lasted even a week before it had all been shattered, when Hulk disappeared after Sokovia. You had been too busy in the midst of the battle and rescue to see him leave, and you could only stand by helplessly as Natasha tried to reason with the beast as only she knew how. When he cut her off and ended the connection, you knew that Bruce was gone forever and that you were robbed of the chance to say goodbye. All you had to hold onto from this day was the kiss before he left to find Nat, and the fear that you could feel within it when your lips met. He didn’t want to be there, and he definitely didn’t want you there, but this was your job and all you could do was to promise each other to survive.
Not too long after that, the team imploded. Cap went one way and Tony the other, with allegiances being formed and friendships destroyed at every turn. You wanted no part of it, feeling alone enough as it was, so you chose to leave before it all came crashing down around you.
It wasn’t difficult to find a new, calmer life in the city despite the never-ending movement that came with it. People constantly lined the sidewalks, cars jammed along every street and voices that just never stopped. Amongst it all you would have to catch yourself in a double take, believing that Bruce was just on the edge of your periphery but too shy or too nervous to approach you after all this time. It was the only way you ever imagined a reunion to be. When that wasn’t the one you got, however, it was far more anticlimactic than you had expected.
What was supposed to be a quick jog around the park couldn’t have been more perfectly timed, bringing you to run right into Tony and Pepper. She looked frustrated as usual, and he looked to be pleading for her to understand another of his frantic rants. It warmed your heart to know that not much had changed in your time away, and you missed it just enough for Bruce’s face to flash through your mind. You had pushed the memory of him away and had tried to refuse it from reappearing, but you were in the wrong place at the wrong time and you could no longer fight your own subconscious when reality slapped you back into attention. It slapped you to attention with a spinning, brilliant, circle of magic that practically vomited out your past all over your shoes.
“Hey, Tony.”
“Bruce?”
“Bruce?!” you joined in, rushing past Tony and Pepper to pull the man to you. “Oh my god, where were you? Are you okay? What’s going on?”
“(Y/N),” he answered shakily, pushing you back only the slightest while his eyes searched you, filled with questions and relief at the sight, “I have so much to tell you, but I can’t…not right now. Thor…he’s…,” he stopped, squeezing his eyes shut to hold back tears and you could feel his body begin to shake in your hold. Your hands gripped a little tighter, and he didn’t resist. He looked as if all he wanted was for you to save him from whatever he was about to tell you but knew all too well that you couldn’t; he had seen something that terrorized him to his core and he wasn’t the same man who you lost in Sokovia. “You need to come with us, please. All of you,” he paused, glancing past you and to Tony. “Please.”
You were thankful that while Strange filled Tony in on what Bruce had already told him, the two of you were able to steal a moment alone before having to face the reality of what was happening. You were able to imagine that everything was going to be okay; he was back home, where he belonged, and your arms could keep him safe. He could be that source of calm and comfort that you had just begun to know before it was ripped away. You could both close your eyes and pretend that there was nothing else…nothing but the two of you and a world that still had possibilities. Each of you seemed to have a skill in pushing reality to the side as one of your strongest common bonds.
“Where were you?” you asked softly, sitting next to him on an ornate, antique couch just a room away from a terrifying conversation. “I thought you were dead, after so long with nothing.”
“I kind of was, a little bit.”
“Meaning?”
Bruce took a shaking breath and purposefully took your hand, hoping that you would still allow it, and to allow the connection; when you did you could see him completely change in his demeanor and his shoulders dropped in relief. “I was the Hulk for two years, on a planet called Sakaar. Until Thor…um,” he paused, clearing the lump in his throat, “until Thor showed up and we got out…together. He saved me, somehow got the Hulk to let me go.”
“That must have been terrible. I’m so sorry that you went through that. Are you okay?”
“I was until all of this. I was when I thought we were coming back to Earth, and that I would be able to get my life back. It wasn’t until Hulk faced…T-thanos…that he let me go again and now I can’t even tap into the anger to draw him back out. I don’t know why, but a part of me doesn’t even want to ask. I don’t want to have to deal with it right now, you know? But I’ll have to, right? I can’t fight this without the other guy. Without the other guy, I’m just me.”
“And that’s enough.”
You had spoken the words aloud, and you had meant them with all of your heart in that moment, but when the next moments came suddenly and violently you couldn’t be so sure. Maybe you were just trying to make him feel better, or to bolster his confidence for what was to come; none of it mattered now as you both stood side-by-side with T’Challa’s army, facing down a foe that you could barely comprehend.
“Are you sure I’m still enough, (Y/N)?” he asked quietly from within the massive armor that Tony had made. It gave Bruce such a small appearance as he opened the helmet to see you with his own eyes for what could be the last time. Again. “I’m not so sure, myself.”
“Yes, you are,” you replied with a stern reply, though you were doing your best to look at him with as much hope and love as you could gather through your incessant waves of terror in what you were about to do. “Bruce, if we don’t make it out of this-“ you tried but you wouldn’t be able to finish. T’Challa had sounded the call to move, and the wall of people shifted around you leaving no choice but to engage with them.
They left you no choice to say any other words to Bruce, to offer him something of greater value as the last you would speak to him. Anything at all that wouldn’t leave him haunted by the memory of the look on your face as you said them; anything that wouldn’t leave him so broken for the next five years.
~~~
“The whole time travel do-over? Guys, it’s outside of my area of expertise.”
“Well, you pulled this off,” Nat argued, nodding towards the new version of Bruce that you had yet to know. “I remember a time when that seemed pretty impossible, too.”
Bruce looked back at his friend, a growing confidence building in the expression of the now combined and oddly calm Hulk. It was slightly disconcerting to each of the Avengers at the table to see him this way after knowing Bruce and the Hulk so separately for years, but as he looked back at them he could only wonder what you would think. His mind began to race even faster than it normally did on any given day, with the idea of how he could make this work. Was it even possible? He wished he had Tony here with him to help, to ensure that this wouldn’t be a massive failure on his part and so that he wouldn’t just make things worse, should that even be possible.
All of that began to dissipate and fade away as his thoughts shifted, as that last look on your face returned after he had buried it once and for all. He looked down at the ridiculous amount of food on the table in front of him, suddenly feeling nauseated at the sight. He sat back in his chair with a long, heavy sigh, looking down at his hands and remembering when they were so much smaller and so much more worthless. After his merge with the Hulk it was one thing that he welcomed, this sight; the replacement for the hands that were too damned inept when you needed them. Hands that couldn’t hold onto you as you faded from their grip and into nothingness.
The next time he would look at those hands so purposefully he would see a gauntlet, red and gold and glowing with the omnipotence of the joined infinity stones. His teammates stood around him, terrified, excited, anxious, and anticipating a miracle that he wasn’t even sure that he could provide. He didn’t care about them, though. Well, he cared about them but not in quite the same way as he did you, and right now you were the only thing on his mind beyond the searing pain that coursed through him.
Even as he snapped his fingers and darkness swirled within his consciousness, he refused to let go of the image of you so that you wouldn’t somehow be forgotten should his mind betray him.
~~~
“Does it still hurt,” you asked cautiously, “your arm?”
“Um…no, n-not really,” Bruce shrugged, sitting at your side yet not quite close enough to feel your warmth. It was as if he couldn’t believe that you were really back, and to touch you and feel nothing would finally send him over the precipice of insanity. He would barely look up at you, providing a stolen glance here and there, only to return his gaze to his feet. He had wanted this so much, to have you there and to have the chance to do it right, but he had never once stopped to think that he may have just ruined it all. The strong and confident Hulk that had blended into his personality disappeared and he was once again the uncertain and overtly cautious Dr. Banner.
“What is it? Why won’t you look at me?”
Those words jolted him enough to answer the question, looking up at you with wide eyes filled with both regret and apology for something he couldn’t even define. “I’m sorry…(Y/N), it’s not you, it’s-“
“If you hit me with the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line, you’ll lose serious credibility points,” you warned with a touch of playfulness to try to ease his mood. “Seven PhD’s should have given you a much broader vocabulary. At least give it some flair if you’re going to try to dump me.”
“What?! No! No, that’s not…that’s not it at all!” He now fully turned to face you, his one unencumbered hand taking one of yours, “(Y/N), that’s not what’s going on. But…now I have to ask, were we ever actually together to even break up in the first place?”
“I don’t understand the question.”
“Sure, we were…together…in a way, but so many things kept ruining it. Every time we’d get close to becoming…to finding a way…”
“There was always something,” you nodded. “Loki, Ultron, Sakaar, and Thanos…yeah we really can’t catch a break can we? Is that a sign?”
Bruce didn’t believe in signs, at least not before everything that had just happened, and now he wasn’t so sure. Maybe there was a greater power in the universe directing everything, and this was just a reminder that you had better not get too close again. No, he didn’t actually believe that; you saw him in a way that no one else had, and you made him far too happy to think that anything so dark could be true. You lit up every room for him, so that just didn’t make sense. No, this wasn’t the universe at all.
He had screwed this up all by himself.
“There’s no future with me,” he blurted out, returning his concentration to watching his feet. “I can’t have this,” he paused to wave his hand towards Tony’s home on the lake. “Maybe there was at one time…maybe. But I’ve guaranteed that it will never happen. I can’t stand by and watch you waste your life waiting for something that I can never give you, (Y/N). I…” he stopped to give you another flash of a glance, “I…I love you too much to do that to you.”
“Bruce,” you answered softly and hesitantly, “what’s going on? What are you talking about?”
“Look at me, (Y/N). Look at what I’ve done. There’s no way for a life together now. I never considered that there might be a way to get you back, so I found a way to survive it. This was the only option that was tenable for me.”
“And that means there’s no way for me to still love you, right? Is that what you believe? Is that what you think of me? That I could be so shallow?”
All he could do was to close his eyes and mutter a soft groan, not having the words he needed; his brain rarely failed him, but right now there was just nothing coming to him to make this better. He was still Bruce, yes, but he was also Hulk now too. They had reconciled their differences and found a balance together, but it would be ridiculous to think that you would reconcile to this life with him. “You deserve better. Someone who can give you a life…what you want.”
“Don’t decide for me what I do and don’t want, okay? You’ve never been that guy so please don’t start now. What if what I want is still you? Even like this? You’re still you, Bruce. You’re still the man I met in that tiny hut in Calcutta, with the sad eyes that tried to hide that constant threat of rage behind them. I worked hard to take that sadness away, so please don’t make all of that for nothing, because I can see it creeping back in.”
“What if I can’t reverse it?”
“What?” you startled slightly at the idea. “Wait, what are you talking about? You don’t have to do that, Bruce. You finally found a way for you both to survive together-“
“I know that I don’t have to, but if I could…you and I-“
“Will be together either way,” you answered firmly. “Bruce, don’t. What if pulling you apart hurts you? Or worse? I couldn’t live with myself knowing that you did this for me. No, you can’t.” You watched as he sat silently, unmoving other than the occasional rapid movement of his eyes, as if he were reading something within his own mind, searching for something just beyond comprehension. “Bruce, please.”
“Dammit!” he growled, standing suddenly. “I wish Tony were still here to help…I had a clearer picture when we worked together. He had a way of just throwing ideas around that always seemed to work even when they shouldn’t. He would somehow just know the one thing that I was missing.”
“I bet you did that for him too, right?”
“I don’t know, maybe.”
“I know you did, Bruce,” you said, standing to join him, “he talked about you a lot. Tony said that he felt safe bringing his crazy ideas to you because you would either help him make them not so crazy, or you’d talk him from the ledge and pull him back to reality. He loved working with you.” As you watched him take that information in, and just as the slight glimmer of tears began to wet his lashes, you knew you had him. “So, what would he tell you right now? If you told him that you were trying to separate Banner from Hulk again, what would Tony say?”
“That I’m an idiot.”
“Would he be right?”
“I just said that he always was, didn’t I?” Bruce smirked. The chance at a hint of levity left him willing to take your hand again, this time looking in your eyes and holding his gaze with a renewed confidence. “Alright, you win. But I won’t promise you that I’ll stop thinking about it. I’m still going to do the work so I know for sure.”
“Of course, I’d expect no less.”
“Consider it a matter of personal safety, (Y/N),” he chuckled, “Hulk’s a restless sleeper.”