My World's On Fire, How About Yours?

Maybe Natasha should’ve picked a different song. Her neighbor is not getting it. Maybe the person is old and that’s why they don’t understand it. Or maybe they just don’t watch many children’s movies from the 2000s. Then again maybe it’s not a person at all on the other end and that’s why they don’t get it. This is stressing her out, Natasha so desperately wishes that whoever is on the other side is a person.

This song was the first thing she could think of, ever since Tony proclaimed it to be a “classic” and begged the Avengers to watch Shrek at least every couple of months. It’s not like she really knows what else normal people would listen to, and Tony seemed pretty insistent that the song was well known enough.

But she’s almost to the last of the chorus and if they don’t get it now then it’s hopeless. Natasha can’t think of another song. Another anything. Her sole thought for the longest time was how to escape and before that it was how to get everyone back. She doesn’t have time for games and songs and movies.

Maybe she should’ve gone with an actual classic but that seems too predictable. Shrek is so human.

So Natasha hesitantly knocks out, “Get the show on get paid.”

She raises her hand to knock the next lyric when faintly she hears:

“ALL
THAT
GLITTERS
IS
GOLD
ONLY
SHOOTING
STARS
BREAK
THE
MOLD”

That’s it. That’s it!

Natasha is not alone. Not anymore.

Natasha taps, “You passed. Now me?”

A faint, “You also passed. That was clever. Kind of a risk. But clever.”

That’s what Natasha had been going for. She was worried if her neighbor would ask her mundane questions she couldn’t answer from being in the Red Room most of her life and then working for SHIELD. I mean she doesn’t exactly go to book clubs or keep up with popular songs. Especially if they asked her about a song made during the Decimation because she was in a completely separate world during that time; one that didn’t have time for such trivial things. Songs wouldn’t bring half the universe’s population back, so why even bother.

“So now what?” Natasha knocks. Natasha has never considered a person would join her. Okay maybe there was a tad bit of hope that first week, but that was so long ago that it seems almost nonexistent. Natasha hopes that by forgetting weeks that don’t matter, it’ll make it seem like time has passed less than it really has. Because she can’t handle if too much time has passed.

Natasha picked up this nifty mechanism in the Red Room. She was able to tune out the memories she wanted to. Of course some of the worst memories she had to keep to repent her from repeating them. Just the neutral ones would make the cut of getting erased. They really didn’t matter. Just normal days. Sure she remembered the lessons she learned, but those became more of an instinct instead of a memory. Like how people can do things like walking or reading or speaking but they don’t exactly remember learning how to do those things. Natasha runs on pure instinct.

So no, Natasha hasn’t really thought this far ahead. She’s more of a take-things-one-at-a-time type of person instead of big picture. Spontaneous is what she calls it. Reckless is what handlers at SHIELD have preferred it called.

“Now how do we get out of here?” is knocked back to her.

Well she may be stuck with someone else but her neighbor sure isn’t smart. Of fucking course Natasha’s been trying to get out of here! Does this dumbass think she’s just been sitting idle for who knows how long? That she knew how to escape and just didn’t?

“Oh yeah let me just tell you how to get out of here. You know I’ve just in here because I have nowhere better to be.”

“How long have you been here?”

“I don’t remember nor does that matter to me right now. I’m more focused on getting out of here. Time doesn’t exactly matter when you’re trapped.”

“Sounds like you've been trapped before.”

"Don't get all wise on me now. Let's just get out first. And I hate to admit it, but I’ve been fresh out of ideas for a long time."

"The glass is alien tech. Pretty advanced from what I know about it."

"More things I already know."

"Then why aren't you leading the discussion if you're so all-knowing? Better yet tell me why you're still here if you know everything that's happening."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Well like you said, this isn't normal glass and from what I've seen of it, it's very durable and has no known sites of weakness."

"Very helpful."

"You asked me to tell you what I know."

"Forget the glass, tell me other things. Like how are you getting food and water? What do you eat? Have you seen anyone else human or alien? How did you get here? Tell me everything you know since you’re so knowledgeable. You know, things I don't already have an established answer to yet."

"I get bread and water every day I guess. As I already said, time is kind of meaningless, but I'm going to assume it's every day. I haven't seen or heard from anyone at all. The food comes when I sleep. They probably make sure I won't wake up when they're there because I'm in no way a heavy sleeper.

“Every once in a while I get other things, like they figure out there's another food group besides bread.

"So it's weird. They don't want me dead but they don't want me to be in the best of shape. It's a prison but it could be worse.

“The thing is I don't know why they took me. I was essentially doing nothing during the Decimation. Like why now? But that’s really all I’ve got.”

Natasha waits a little for a response before she hears, "What's the Decimation?"

Natasha's heart stops. No. There's no way this person could've been trapped next to her longer than she was. There’s no way this person was here before the Decimation, that was at least two years ago. Maybe she knows another word for it? That’s gotta be it. That has to be it. But it's called the Decimation almost everywhere else.

"Some people also call it the Blip,” Natasha knocks back, hoping her neighbor will know what it is now.

"Still not following you there. Is this a sports thing?"

The person is not getting it, so Natasha decides to spell it out for her, "It’s when half the universe disappeared."

"The dust. Did it have to do with the dust?"

"Reduced to atoms,” Natasha supplies with a cruel chuckle to herself.

"I thought I dreamt it. I thought that maybe it was made up because it doesn't make sense. It doesn't,” her neighbor pauses and knocks, “Thanos?"

"Thanos used the infinity gauntlet to randomly destroy half the living things on the universe."

"And I was gone."

"And you were gone."

"How am I back?"

"I don't know. When I was taken it was two years into the Decimation."

"I was gone I was dying. There was nothing inside of me. My hands disappeared and then I disappeared and now I'm back."

Natasha can hear the knocks become frantic and lighter. The person on the other side is not digesting the news well.

"I've been gone for more than two years?" her neighbor faintly taps.

"Yes."

"The world is different."

"Yes."

"But everything is alright now."

"Maybe. We're still trapped though."

"Can we even escape?"

"Maybe not. I haven't and if I can't there's no way you can."

"That's pretty bold of you."

"I'm a bold person."

"I bet. Well how about I finish my assessment of the prison and then I get back to you?"

"I'll be waiting," Natasha responds, and then the knocks stop.

Natasha isn’t the most optimistic about the new person. The news that the Avengers fixed the Decimation is probably the only thing she'll get out of the them that’s useful in any way.

She wasn't lying when she said that if she couldn't find a way out, then the other person definitely couldn't. She's the Black Widow, a super spy assassin. If anyone should be good at getting out of tight places, it's her. There's not much the other person can really do. She's tried every single inch of the prison and nothing ever gives.

So Natasha focuses her attention on the one thing she got out of her neighbor: they reversed the Decimation.

That's good news. Great news.

But the thing is, how long has she been in here then?

When she left they were nowhere close to reversing it. They didn't even have an idea left.

They didn't even have the Avengers left. They all scattered to do their own things, accepting that nothing could be done to fix it.

She was the last one. The very last one. Somehow she didn't matter though; they still managed to fix things without her.

Natasha was holding onto the last hope that maybe the Avengers could find her. At least Nebula or Carol Danvers could find her.

But if they reversed the Decimation already, a pretty hopeless cause for years, then how hopeless is finding her if finding her is even harder?

This isn't good. If not even the Avengers can help her escape, then it doesn’t matter how many people they throw in here with her, it still wouldn't change her odds of escaping.

But with the Decimation reversed, that also means everyone is back. Everyone she lost that day is there. Clint's family, her family, they're back. Does Clint even know? Last she heard he was doing some weird shit in Japan.

She tried to make contact with him but he wasn't having it. She still tries not to let that bother her.

The rest of the extended avengers are back: Wanda, Bucky, Sam, Fury.

And they're all being reunited and she's here.

And if they’re all back maybe it’s not a question on can they find her but a question of will they find her.
Do they even need to find her? Is she worth the time to find, or is she as replicable as she was in the Red Room? The Red Room would get a kick out of that, every day they would love to remind her just how insignificant she was. If she did the job wrong or not good enough or too slow they would always remind her. She wasn’t special enough to not get reprimanded if she wasn’t good enough for them.

She was replaceable even after the training, even after the brain washing, even after the graduation ceremony, even after the serum. Always replaceable.

They could always make more they said as they would burn away her flesh and beat her to the point where she couldn’t walk for weeks.

Then there were the times she was handed a gun and shown her replacements. She would have to look them in the face as they stood trembling a foot in front of her. They would make her stare straight into the girls’ water soaked eyes, seeing her own reflection of her gun cocking and moving into position. In the beginning these also doubled as a lesson on not getting attached. She learned that lesson by the time she was eight years old, old enough to have put a slug through the heads of five of her friends over the past years. Anna was the last one, but Anna was lucky Natasha was experienced enough not to miss and let her suffer; unlike Irina who slowly bled out for an hour after she inserted the knife in the wrong spot in her stomach. Natasha was five years old when Irina died in her arms and she never made a friend with a Red Room girl past eight years old.

So once again maybe the Red Room was right all along. The Avengers had to have noticed that she was gone and yet they’re not here.

Sure, maybe she doesn’t have a family in the strict sense or blood related people or a spouse, but she was in families.

Cooper and Lola are probably looking for their Auntie Nat right now and Natasha wants more than anything in the world to be with them right now. They must be so scared.

Maybe they're not alone like her but they had to vanish and come back to a world they don't even know. Come back to a dad they don't even know.

They need her and she's here. They need her and she can’t do anything about it.

And Tony and Pepper.

And their baby.

Natasha may not be counting the time since she's been in here, but it has to have been more than a year if the Decimation is reversed. Which means she missed the birth of that kid.

She missed it and now their baby will never know her. She wasn't there to babysit when Pepper and Tony needed a break. She never got to be there, holding the baby when they wake up crying in the night. She doesn't get to be there to whisper bedtime stories and songs in Russian; the only semblance of a childhood before the Red Room she remembers that she can offer to pass down.

So many plans that she dreamed of doing she doesn’t get to do.

And the baby will never know how much she loves them and how important they are to her.

Tony and Pepper might miss her but the baby won't.

She's a stranger. A stranger in her best friends' child's life.

Which means she's no longer a part of Tony and Pepper's little family because their life is that child now, that child that doesn’t know her. And she and Clint haven't spoken in years, so it seems like she's not in his family either.

So really Natasha has no blood family and no chosen family.

No relatives, no spouse, no partner, no families. Nothing.

Maybe that’s why she's still here. Maybe she just isn't worth retrieving. The Red Room was always right; Natasha is replaceable. Some aliens can just pick her up out of the fabric of the universe and no one would care. She isn't essential. Everyone’s worlds just keep on spinning without her.

Natasha allows herself to unwind. She earned the damn right to. It's been over a year probably and she's done nothing but looking forward and moving forward and swimming and swimming and swimming. But that's gotten her nowhere.

Maybe it's just time to drown.

People always say drowning is a violent death, but Natasha’s been through enough water boarding to find some peace in it. The soft fading into black as the water fills her lungs and her senses just stop. It's almost peaceful. And it sure as hell beats swimming any longer.

A little flailing won't hurt.

And so Natasha allows herself to think about what if she doesn't get out. If she's stuck here for the rest of her extended life. She might just go insane.

Seeing as there's nothing to do but let her mind wander and crack.

She honestly thinks that she prefers being tortured. At least that gives her a goal. Something to think about besides everything that she can't do to get back to the people who don't need or want her in their lives.

Natasha wishes she could blame the Decimation for taking away people she loves. And maybe yeah she can blame it for pulling her out of the Bartons’ lives, but it's not like it took anyone who was really home to her.

In fact, she got out pretty unscathed, people wise. Really other people had it much worse.

It's her own damn fault that she's not close with people. She runs. She's been running her whole damn life. She runs because it's easy. She knows how to run. She could probably run before she could walk. After all, running is the best skill someone could have, since all skills are based on running. So of course she’s great at running, the Red Room wouldn't have it any other way.

So she knows how to run. But how to stay, now that's something she has no experience with.

She knows how to feel, how to love, and all that; well at least platonically. But she doesn't know how to stay.

How to move forward with someone is thing she doesn’t know. So yeah, she runs.

Because running's the fastest way to move forward and when she runs she knows she's moving forward, at least physically that is. No destination is really needed but she knows at least there is a destination. She will end up somewhere and it'll be fine because she's done this a thousand times.

She runs.

Runs away from everything. Runs from everyone.

Both good and bad.

But Natasha can't run. Not anymore. There's nowhere to go. She's finally reached a dead end. The end of her running. She's finally run until she can't anymore.

And she always assumed she would be alone at the end. That she would run past every single person in the world. And while that may be true, there's someone who's here at the dead end with her. And although that person isn't here on their own accord, most people end up in her life not on their own accord.

So instead on losing herself any more than she already was she knocks, "Are you still there?"

"No, I escaped. Of course I'm here." comes the reply. God, Natasha has been away from people for so long that just someone else's snark is enough to put a smile on her face.

"Ha, funny. Didn't know I was stuck with a comedian."

"That's not even my best material."

"How could it ever get better?"

""Knock knock"

"What?"

"Knock knock"

"I’m already knocking, dumbass."

"Man they really did fry your brain cells in there. The correct answer is 'who's there.'"

"Sorry I'm not a child anymore"

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Robin"

"Robin who?"

"Robin you, now hand over the cash."

Wow, that was truly awful. Just really, really bad. If Clint said that to her that would earn him a hard punch in the shoulder. That was so bad, there's no way Natasha should be smiling right now. there's no reason why she's grinning ear to ear and laughing like an absolute manic. None at all. And yet...

"My apologies,” Natasha knocks, “I'm obviously in the presence of a comedic genius."

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?'

"Cash."

"Cash who?"

"No thanks, I'd rather have peanuts."

Natasha knows for sure that Clint’s told her that one before, and if she remembers correctly, she definitely socked him hard in the shoulder for that one. He told her those knock knock jokes relentlessly one of her first months at SHIELD. "Getting to know the American culture" Natasha thinks is what he called it.

And she thought he was absolutely ridiculous. but maybe his jokes really did help her. The ones she's hearing now have seemed to pull her up from drowning. It's like someone tossed her a lifejacket. She's not swimming anymore, but she's not drowning. And it's nice. Not being alone, not running. Maybe she should try it more often. Maybe.

Natasha decides to use one out of Clint’s arsenal of knock knock jokes that she had to hear.

"Knock knock." Natasha taps.

"Isn't that my line?'

"Hey I played alone with yours."

"After I had to tell you what to say, and now suddenly you're the master?"

"Just go with it."

"Fine, who’s there."

"No you messed it up, I have to start again."

"Fine, bossy."

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"You."

"You who?”

"All this time, I had no idea you could yodel."

"That one doesn't work with tap code, dumbass. I'm not using my mouth to respond."

"I bet you still said it out loud."

"That doesn't mean you can hear it." Natasha grins at the admission that her neighbor was saying her joke out loud.

"Like yours were any better."

Is it sad that the most amusing thing Natasha's done in probably years is argue with a stranger over whose knock knock jokes are better? Perhaps. But that isn’t going to stop her from having the only fun she’s had in years.

"Knock knock,” the person taps.

"You're not gonna defeat me."

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Thermos."

"Thermos who?”

"Thermos be a way out of here so I never have to listen to another one of your bad jokes again."

And just like that, the person pulls Natasha's attention where it belongs: getting out of here.

"I have absolutely no ideas."

"Have you tried the ceiling?"

"I’m short. The best I can do is brush against it when I jump."

"That explains the attitude."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Short temper."

"Haha, again with the jokes."

"You asked for them, don't get short with me now."

"Creative."

"That's why they pay me the big bucks."

"So back to your brilliant ideas without the bad jokes....”

"Well I'm a vaguely tall person."

"Installing much confidence."

"I haven't checked the ceilings but I'll get back to you."

"Thought you already did that."

"No I only checked the walls before you interrupted me asking dumb questions."

"Well then go do that then. I've been patiently waiting."

"Patient my ass are you sure you haven't been in here like two seconds and you're just over exaggerating."

Natasha wishes that were the case. But she has to have been in here for a while. The only difference now is that there is new hope that she can achieve.

Which means this person showing up can either save her or destroy her and it's entirely up to whoever is behind that wall. She's never felt so out of control in her life.

Everything rests on the person in the other room. If they happen to find anything, anything at all that Natasha missed, it can save her. There's a chance.

And just like that, Natasha begins to feel tired. Her body is heavy. She's long since believed that they release some kind of chemical in the room to put her to sleep so they can sneak in and leave food.

Usually Natasha doesn't even mind too much. Her body is always tired and droning on and there's nothing she can really do about it.

Today is the first day in a long time that she actually has any sort of real energy. Today she has something to work for.

So this time she actually tries to fight the sleep. She can't go to sleep now. What if her neighbor finds something? What if they leave her? Natasha may be finally ready to stay but that doesn't mean the other person won’t run without her.

"Am I losing my mind?" Natasha hears tapped at her and she goes over to the wall to hear better.

"I swear my body feels like I'm being dragged by a car. My head is splitting."

"Did I not mention that the aliens may or may not cause you to sleep so they can put in the food and not wake you up."

"Huh must've slipped your mind to mention that it was an actual thing that happens. Might've been good to know it wasn’t just a hunch."

"I'll keep that in mind to mention it whenever I get a new neighbor."

"I'm not good enough for you?"

"Never know, maybe you'll leave the neighborhood."

"Like I can ever get out of here. Where's all that confidence about me not having a chance at escaping because you haven't?"

"I don't know, maybe the ceiling is the way out and your giraffe form will make it."

"The ceiling is too high up, even for me. And besides, I wouldn't leave you."

"Why wouldn't you? You don’t even know me."

"No man left behind and all that jazz. Plus, how else will I get to make you pay for all your bad jokes?"

"My jokes weren't the problem, that's still your department."

"Ha you wish."

And then the wall went silent. Maybe her neighbor finally fell asleep. And it seems like Natasha is about to join her soon.

That is until Natasha faintly hears, "I won't leave you. We're in this together now."

"Like you can ever get rid of me now, neighbor."

More silence. Natasha closes her eyes and lies on the ground.

"M. A. R. I. A."

What's her neighbor trying to spell out? Is that a code for something?

"What?”

"My name's Maria."

Natasha freezes for a second. Her neighbor is offering a small piece of themself to Natasha, so she should do the same. But what if her neighbor recognizes her name and knows who she is? She doesn’t want to give them false hope that they can escape because they’re trapped with an Avenger. And so Natasha decides to go with her best option:

"Natalie."

“Goodnight, Natalie.”

“Goodnight, Maria.”