Peter was laying in bed, awake but not wanting to get out of it yet, cause that would mean getting out of his boyfriend’s embrace, and he doesn’t want to. He rolls over and fully wakes up and the embrace he thought he felt fades. There is no one beside him. Right… we broke up three months ago… Peter thought. Might as well accept that I’m never gonna wake up beside Quentin Beck again. Peter still doesn’t want to leave the bed, but for different reasons now. He just wants to call in sick to work and mope around all day. But he can’t. He did that the first week after he had enough and told Quentin that their relationship wasn’t working. He had to go to work. Fuck…
Peter had waited all day for Quentin and was now on his fourth glass of red wine. He had made dinner, but it was starting to get cold. Peter didn’t know what to do. His lips were red from the wine and he knew Quentin would come home and lie about going out with friends but… Peter knew Quentin was hanging out with an ex. He used to believe Quentin’s stories without question, but he had stopped after a while. He had done stuff like this a thousand times. And Peter had let him cause… when he was hurt, Quentin said sorry, and he would rather hear lies than have Quentin leave him. He didn’t want a fight.
But Peter wasn’t sure he could stand another night of waking up and hearing Quentin mumble other names in his sleep. He loved him, but he was losing himself. Then Quentin came home and about to spit out some lie, but Peter had had enough.’
“Where the fuck were you?”
“I was with friends…”
“You were with your ex! I checked your location so good fucking try, but this is not working anymore!” Peter raised his voice.
“You are so dramatic!” Quentin raised his voice so it was on the verge of a shout.
“And you are full of shit! You’re a cheater and a liar! I can’t live like this anymore!” Peter shouted.
“You’re breaking up with me?” Quentin was no longer shouting. His voice was instead low. Peter realised that was what he was doing. “Fine; you’re too controlling anyways.” He took the key to the apartment from his keychain and put it on the table while tears were forming in Peter’s eyes. But he refused to beg Quentin to stay. Then Quentin turned around and walked out the door and he was out of Peter’s life.
The day at Stark industries had been a long, but not necessarily bad one. Fortunately, Tony was able to distract Peter with a lot of work and Peter was grateful that Tony could talk for hours when Peter didn’t feel like it. They had designed a new Spider suit and new gear for Natasha and Clint. But when Peter came home, he was exhausted. He took out his keys and felt the heaviness of the second key, that Quentin had left, on his keychain. He sat down on his couch. I should eat something, he thought but he didn’t have the energy. He put on the TV and clicked on some show. He wasn’t really watching though. He could feel Quentin’s arm around him and leaned to rest his head on Quentin’s shoulder but fell down on the couch instead and the ghost of Quentin faded away. Okay, new plan. Go to a bar, eat something and get shitfaced. He took a quick shower and very carefully fixed his hair so every curl lay perfectly. Then he went out. It was not late, but that was good; it meant he had time to eat. He went to a bar and as he had assumed, there were few people there, which he appreciated; he usually ate a lot because of his fast metabolism. So he ate a few burgers and fries and then started drinking. The bar was starting to fill with people and the music got louder. He hated it. He was going out for a cigarette, a bad habit he picked up after the break-up. He stood outside smoking when he thought he might have to stop drinking cause he saw Quentin again. It’s all in my head again…
“Peter…”
To his surprise, it actually was Quentin and… he had a boy with him. Peter felt like looking into a weird mirror.
“Beck…” Peter was not going to call him Quentin – he had called him Beck before they got together and he could do it now. He seemed happy and god, that hurt.
“This is Oscar.” Peter gave a smile and nodded and Oscar returned the gesture. “Oscar, this is Peter… an old friend.” Friend... Peter would lie if he said that didn’t hurt like a punch in the face.
“Oscar, why don’t you go in and order the drinks. I just need to catch up, I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Okay,” Oscar said and kissed Quentin. He returned it. It made Peter want to die. When Oscar was gone, he turned to Peter.
“So, how have you been? You look good.” That was a lie and Peter knew it – he looked like a wreck. He had been sleeping bad and ate only cause he had to in order to function.
“I’m doing fine.” He wondered if Quentin knew he was fucking lying, cause he was everything but. A good day was when he didn’t sit on the floor, crying and considering suicide as a way to end the pain. “How about you?”
“Yeah, I’m doing good.” I can see that… Peter wanted to hate him so bad, but even now, he could feel only love. That was ridiculous; Beck didn’t feel that way about him. “Saw you on the news the other day.” Beck lowered his voice. “Good job, Spider-Man.” Beck was one of the few people that knew.
“Thanks, Beck.” Peter could see that Quentin cringed at being called his last name again. But if Quentin could kiss another boy in front of Peter, he would have to deal with not being called his first name.
“Are you here alone?” Great, now I will seem like a lonely loser.
“Yeah…”
“Well, if you want to, you could join me and Oscar?”
“That’s kind of you, Beck, but I think that would be a bit weird and I–”
“Of course it won’t.” Beck interrupted. “Why would it be weird?” Why is he playing dumb?
“Yes, it will,” Peter said, sternly. “Beck, we didn’t leave on a good note... it will get awkward.”
“Yeah… you have a point, I guess.” Beck looked into Peter’s eyes, causing Peter to look away since it was too painful to look into Quentin’s eyes and not seeing love there. “But that is why we would need to talk if that’s okay?” Peter wanted to say no and walk away but he didn’t. Maybe he needed closure and maybe that was the way to get it.
“Yeah, okay.”
“Do you have time around dinner the day after tomorrow?”
“Sure, that works.”
“Great, I’ll text you.”
“Okay.”
“Great… I’ll see you around.” Quentin acted a little awkward, not knowing if they should shake hands or hug, which resulted in a nod and an awkward wave before he headed inside.
On Saturday, Peter couldn’t focus for a minute on anything. His thoughts drifted to Beck. He spent the day deciding what to wear and talking on the phone to MJ and Ned and told them about his meeting with Beck. MJ and Ned both agreed it would be good for closure to just talk it out. They also decided to meet soon since it had been ages. When Peter was about to go to bed he got a text message
Beck
Hey, Let’s meet at six o’clock at the corner café.
The corner café… The café that had been theirs, the café they could never remember the name of. Peter thought about Beck, probably in bed with that Oscar right now… He tried to not think about it. Then he fell asleep while trying to imagine Quentin beside him.
Peter arrived at six. He had showered and settled for a blue button-up and black jeans. He saw Beck, dressed similarly, but blue jeans and a black button-up. He had already gotten them a table.
“Hey.” Beck smiled as Peter sat down and Peter melted.
“Hey.” He was breathless. They ordered and just small talked while they waited for their food.
“So…” Quentin started. “We need to talk about what happened.”
“There is nothing to talk about, Beck. You cheated and you lied until I had enough.”
“Peter, I’m sorry! I know I screwed up big time, and I said stuff I didn’t mean, but we can try again, start over. I won’t do that again, I’ll treat you right.”
“Beck…” Peter took a deep breath. “What we had was great – we were so in love; it was us against the world! I was so worried I wasn’t gonna be enough but then I started thinking I actually was enough for you so I let my guard down… It was so great, but I was right, ‘cause my love wasn’t enough for you. Your love would’ve been enough for me, but you couldn’t give me that cause you weren’t home. You were away, giving it so somebody else!”
“I know… I should have realised that you were everything I needed. After I left I realised that no one in the world can make me feel the way you do! Just give me another chance…” Peter wanted to say yes, to wrap his arms around Quentin and stay with him forever. But he knew it couldn’t be the same. Peter would always be paranoid about Beck’s whereabouts and Beck would get mad and they would fight. “Will you give me one last chance?” But he wanted to say yes before I thought occurred.
“Are you still dating Oscar?”
“What?”
“Oscar.”
“What about him?”
“You are avoiding the question.”
“Okay, so I haven’t broken up him yet…” Oh my god…
“You are unbelievable.”
“Peter come on! I will break up with him if you just give me a chance!” It took all of Peter’s courage and self-control to stand up from his seat and answer.
“No.”
“Peter…”
“No, Beck.” Peter looked at him. “I love you, but I’m losing myself by doing so and I can’t get over you if you won’t let me.” He felt like a weight was being lifted off his shoulders. And suddenly he felt happy. “I got an amazing job and career… I got a life to start living!” Then he looked at Quentin. “And you won’t be a part of it!” He looked at his former lover one last time. “Goodbye, Quentin.” He paid for his meal and then he walked home, seeing the world in a brighter light and thought:
I will be fine. Everything is gonna be fine. I have survived gunshot wounds and Thanos, I can survive a break-up too. I know I can.
And suddenly, he didn’t mind the extra key, it didn’t mean he lost someone, it was a reminder he had the opportunity to give it to the right one when he met them. Cause he knew they were out there. And maybe the ghost of Quentin Beck would linger in the apartment for some time but that was okay, Peter decided.