Chapter 1
Numb.
The steady pain he'd felt before ebbed away in waves, overcome with a blanket of blankness.
Tony fought for his eyes to stay open, for some semblance of family or love to be leftover, something, anything, to live for. He was grasping at the strands for any reason he should continue.
Peppers smile. But she had left him, couldn't continue with the anxiety and burden he brought.
Rhodey's eyes alight when Tony explained a new addition to the War Machine suit. But Tony had hurt him, indirectly, yet still, that guilt never tarnished the blank expanse of his mind.
Vision was hurt and Rhodey too. Natasha, Bruce, Thor, Pepper all left, ran from him like the plague, even when he needed them most and made that fact known, it was never enough. The others betrayed and outrighted hated him.
It hadn't been a recent occurrence. The sharp comments and what he thought was lightly pushing around. It never progressed from that, unless you count the cutting words and "jokes" that seared through his masks, never went further than when Clint brushed his shoulder a little too hard, or Maximoff altered his mind or Natasha went through his things for blackmail.
Yet, it didn't hurt any less.
This was his escape.
Finally, the way out of the torture that his life brought.
So, with the cold actively freezing him, blood pumping at worrying temperatures, his heart decreasing in speed, he let his eyes close and welcomed the nothingness he'd yearned for.
He lied there in the deserted ruins of the room for hours. But no one came. Until they did.
He blinked. And suddenly he could see the world, harsh lighting glaring down at him and the figures of a sobbing Pepper Pots and nervous-looking Rhodey.
"... Tony...I'm sorry. Sorry that I left when you needed me. When I noticed their...behaviour and didn't say a thing. This is all fault and now you're going to hate me."
Tony immediately slapped his eyes shut, evening his breaths so he could eavesdrop on her speech.
"I know that you may never forgive me for this but it was the only way," Pepper sighed, turning her attention to gaze out of the futuristic windows of the tower. "So, if you don't forgive me...just know I did this because I love you, I'm not in love with you anymore, before we were together we were friends and just-well... I don't regret ending things, but I wished we'd been on better terms. This is goodbye in case you never want to speak to me again. So, I will this say this with all my heart. I love you Tony, goodbye."
At the last few words, she pressed a warm kiss to his forehead, lingering there and caressing his cheek with her thumb before returning to crying quietly in her chair by the window.
Confusion gnawed at his mind but he pushed it away in favour of listening to Rhodey's speech.
"Tones... I can't even begin to say how guilty I feel for doing this but I-we couldn't bear to lose you. I know you'll wake up and be guilty for my legs so just know that it's not your fault. I regret this but, it was worth it in the end, for you." He could feel Rhodey's tears as he clutched at his arm, droplets of bitter pain falling hard and wet against his skin.
Pepper joined Rhodey, beside his bed, sobbing into his chest, and he couldn't hold it in anymore.
"Okay I'm sorry but that was a severe attack to my allergy of emotion talk. How rude of you," he snarked, lip curving upward but the smile never reaching his eyes.
Their head snapped up, shock evident in the familiar features of their faces before morphing into annoyance and followed by happiness. It was such a show that he almost laughed.
Almost.
Not almost because it wasn't hilarious ( which it was) but when he tried he felt a spiky jab of pain from his abdomen.
He hadn't noticed it before but when he looked, he could see at least 4 wires leading up to his chest where a gleaming arc reactor was embedded in his chest. Again. But that wasn't what bothered him, what did was the tube with needles in each of his arms and side.
In this corner of his eye, he noticed Pepper biting at her lip while shifting uncomfortably and Rhodey refusing to look at him, their telltale signs of shame and guilt.
Feeling dread pooling in the depths of his stomach, he eyes slowly stalked the wires which al connected to one tube.
Oh no.
After another few seconds, his eyes reached the table beside his bed where 7 empty injection needles sat, right next to another seven bags of a gold substance. Extremis was printed neatly onto each bag and after coming to his rather terrifying conclusion, he promptly threw up.
It took an hour to get the vomit cleaned up. Both Pepper and Rhodey had left to shower, all the dirty bedding and clothes were thrown into a jumbo washer leaving Tony to sit there, vomit drying grossly on his shirt.
Felling unease, he lifted the shirt carefully of him and shifted to glare at the gold bags.
Maybe he could just "accidentally" get rid of them?
That thought was quickly chased away by the quite rational one of " If you don't complete the process you'll die". And though the idea of that hadn't sounded all too bad in Siberia, it sure as hell wasn't an option now.
Sighing heavily, he picked up the tablet that was sitting on the other bedside table and did what he did best.
Fix things.
"Fri?" He asked, voice nervous and almost a whisper.
"Boss?"
"Would you mind-no wait...Yeah, actually...get rid of their access," never in his life had he stuttered but, guess there really is a first time for everything.
"Already done, along with having their rooms cleared out, pictures combined and hidden in an inaccessible folder and stuff being relocated to storage."
"That's my girl,"
"I'm always your girl,"
"Don't sass, let me have my moment," It came out more of a request than snark but at this point, he didn't care. Barnes or not, this was going to happen eventually, may as well not cry about it, not that his tear ducts knew that.
Just as he unlocked his tablet, the doors slid open to reveal a slightly pissed Rhodey.
"No working" his voice was stern and Tony couldn't help but whine in his response
"But why?"
The only answer he got was one of those "Tony stop it your hurting yourself" looks, so he huffed and put the tablet in the duffel bag next to his bed.
"God, I missed you," Rhodey seems to collapse on himself with his words, sadness etched into his eyes and lips pressed in a thin line.
"It's only been a day, chill out Platypus," his attempts at banter were unnoticed or ignored
"That's the thing Tones. It hasn't been a day, It's be-its been two months." Rhodey choked up and eagerly accepted the hug from a shocked but not surprised Tony Stark.
"Good, I was beginning to think I didn't hide my research nearly as good as I should,"
Rhodey pulled away a bit to send him a glare.
"Ooh, too soon?"
Rhodey whacked him upside the head, laughter erupting from both and from there the conversation reverted into the day of the past, inside jokes and teasing with a heavy dose of banter.
They were interrupted a little while later by Doctor Cho entering the room holding a clipboard.
"I'm here with your Extremis program-"
"Wow, this sounds like your delivering a dieting subscription." Helen sent him a withering look. "Sorry, force of habit, I swear I'm really sorry, I didn't mean, I shouldn't speak,"
The sad expression and quiet disturbing apologies didn't go unnoticed by the two.
"Tones...you alright?"
"Always," he replied automatically, even more, miserable from looking Rhodey in the eye and straight-up lying.
"Well, Mr S- Tony. We finished the injections today. And every week you need to come for a check-up in the cradle seeing as, even with extremis, your still lacking parts of your ribcage and sternum,"
Tony was fine with this, rather expecting this when it first became known to him. He swallowed down a gulp of worry as he asked what he wanted to know.
"W-what..um...does i-it-" Thankfully Helen understood and brought him out of his misery.
"What does it enhance and extra abilities?" Tony nods silently, thankful for the fact Helen's soft eyes refuse to watch him gulp or fret, and the fact she knew him well enough to know he was perfectly fine being a baseline human and had a slight...aversion to some enhanced.
"If I'm perfectly honest? I'm not one hundred per cent sure," Tony visibly deflated and Rhodey rubbed a comforting hand on his shoulder, "But, we do know that it will come with a significant change in your healing speed, as well as enhanced senses, speed, strength and even metabolism. Based on it's previous...nature, we know that it will most likely have some abilities since it rewrites DNA. If you so wish, you could look at the code of this particular version to figure it out, trial and error is an option too..."
She trailed off noticing the now crying Tony Stark who barely noticed the salty tears pooling and spilling out of his eyes.
The only reason they could hear his heartbreaking whisper and broken eyes was the proximity in which they sat. Close but not too much so.
"I'm just like them..."
He flicks his arm in rage and all the lightbulbs short out leaving the room in utter darkness.
"What-what have you done to me..." Outright sobs could be heard now as he frantically darted from the room, electronics and objects alike exploding as he passed them. Putting his new speed to use, he sprinted up to the penthouse within two minutes and barely out of breath.
When he finally reached his room he did something he hadn't done in a long time. Crawled into his closet and sat staring at the wall letting the pain claw at him from inside. It was something he'd only do after Howard would slap him, or his parents' death and one other time. When a frosty super soldier was pulled from the Antarctic not too long ago.
Wakanda
He blinked. Waking up in a similar fashion to the man waking up at the other side of the earth, unbeknownst to him.
He felt warm breath above his face and gently pushed the blurry figure aside, rubbing at his eyes for better clarity.
Even without the absolute desolation of cryo, he could still feel the cold, that never left his insides, keeping him frozen in a whirlwind of hurt.
"Bucky!" His eyes now clear, he sees Steve was the person who was leaning, borderline creepily, over him.
"Hey Steve," he tries for a chuckle when Steve's arms encase him but the sound was forced, not like Steve particularly noticed."Missed me?"
"Of course! So much is different now, but we can go visit Brooklyn eventually. And we can go get those sweets I always got you when we'd been separated for a while!" Steve's smile was wide and excited and Bucky couldn't bring himself to ruin it. No matter how much he hated those sweets. Could barely remember Brooklyn and didn't want to force his brain into remembering.
So he lies.
"Sure Stevie,"
"Great Buck, come on, let's go,"
"Shouldn't we check with the doctors and people?" He still asks the question no matter the answer he knows he will get.
"You shouldn't trust them, Buck. People in authority are never worth that."
There were so many things wrong with that statement, but above all, he hated the use of the Nickname. He didn't feel anything from it like he used too. Only patches of memories came with it, so without thinking he clenched his teeth and spoke.
"My name is James,"
Steve just looked at him sadly and placed a slightly patronising hand on his shoulder.
"No Bucky. Bucky is your name, remember? You are Bucky Barnes. Don't let HYDRA control who you are, come on let's go,"
James was beyond scared at the display of Steve's ignorance and delusion, but nevertheless, stored the info in his mind and followed after him.
The day didn't get better, in fact, Steve's surety of James and obsession over the old days was concerning, very concerning. As he got into bed at night, not for one minute thinking he would sleep with Maximoff around, he silently wished he'd never bought those stupid plums.
The night was filled with tossing and turning, he never closed his eyes for a second not wanted to show vulnerability or witness his time at HYDRA again.
When the morning finally arrived, a weird knock on his door tugged him out of his spiralling thoughts of his mistakes and failures.
"Who is it?"
"It's Steve, Bucky it's me," Steve pushed open the door and perched next to Bucky on the bed, yet again, he landed a placating hand on his soldier and creased his eyebrows in disdain "You know that knock Buck. It was your favourite tune back in the old days. I always used to knock your door like that. You love that sound and you love when I knock the sound on the door."
"Steve, I don't even know what you're talking about,"
Steve smiled despite the confusion on Bucky's face.
"I got you something, T'challa asked me to give it to you and I took the liberty of downloading all your favourite books and songs on it."
Steve hands him a Pym Tech phone along with earphones, a box of plain cases and a charger.
"You didn't have to do that, at all," It was becoming quite annoying really, the way Steve was so insistent on forcing his memories back.
"I'll leave you to figure out how to use it,"
Bucky smiles at Steve as he leaves but quickly becomes stoic again and buried the phone into the drawers, not willing to use it at the moment.
After waiting 20 minutes, he ventures out of his room and to the shared kitchen in silent, instead choosing to slink in the shadows as he made breakfast and listened to the conversation.
"...And then Stark just smiled cruelly! Like my broken bow was funny when the bastard made it. He's honestly an absolute madman," Clint growled, flipping through his phone.
"He deserves to die! He killed my brother, my parents and tried to imprison me! He should not deserve to be in America, running around perfectly fine and pleased with himself!" Wanda snarls, magic alight and lips in a disturbing smirk.
"Exactly!"
For a second he lets his eyes shift over to the bin, which was almost overflowing from the Stark Tech inside.
"Steve, your opinion?" Wanda asks, feigning childhood innocence as she looking at him.
"He got what was coming to him, he is an entitled brat who deserves nothing. All he does is destroy everything in his path cause he's too busy caring about himself,"
"Not to mention that ego, honestly it's higher than his tower," the Black Widow pipes up from her seat on the couch.
Bucky left the room with his yoghurt, and toast, eager to get away from the insults against Stark blaring in his ears.
"He can't really be that bad?" he wondered to himself.
It was the conflicting opinions of Stark from the Rogues and T'Challa that sparked an interest to the seemingly spoiled brat or genius superhero. He wanted his own opinion, and he was not going to 'confirm' with Rogers who would just attempt to placate him, causing him to spiral further into the hellhole of his emotions.
At his fifth hangout with Shuri, who had grown fondly annoyed of his venting of the Rogues, had given him a phone number, refusing to tell him who it belonged to.
She didn't really need to. He already had a sneaking suspicion he knew.
Fingers shaking and nervousness building up, he typed the two lettered word that would start it all.
Hi
.