Steve had been drowning ever since they took him out of the ice. He felt trapped in its icy depths as he struggled for air that wouldn’t come no matter how hard he tried to reach the surface.
He didn’t want to live in a world without Bucky.
That had been his first thought when they had told him what year it was. The images of Bucky falling from the train- just out of his reach- had flashed through his mind so violently that his knees had buckled and he’d fallen to the floor with an audible crack.
Every person he had ever known was gone.
He wished they had kept him frozen.
He wished they had let him die.
At least if he was dead, he might have reunited with Bucky; he might have been back with the love of his life.
~~~
But then he found out that Bucky was alive and he could finally reach the surface. Steve got to take the breath he had been holding ever since he’d been pulled from the ice.
~~~
Bucky had dragged him out of the water after they’d brought SHIELD down, and Steve refused to believe that it didn’t mean something. He gained consciousness just as his friend deposited him on the bank. Bucky began walking away from him, and Steve felt his heart start to race at the thought of never seeing him again.
“Bucky,” Steve croaked, his voice hoarse. The Winter Solider halted but didn’t turn back to face the blonde. “Come back with me. We’ll keep you safe, I promise.”
“I can’t.” The words carried a weight that Steve didn’t understand, a tinge of regret threading the syllables. “You are the enemy.”
Steve flinched. “I’m not your enemy, Bucky. We could never be enemies. I’m with you til the end of the line, pal.”
It was an echo of his earlier words, this time causing Bucky to angle his body, almost imperceptibly, back towards Steve. The blonde noticed that his soldiers were hunched inwards like he was anticipating an attack.
“I know those words,” the assassin said, desperation clear in his tone. “Why do I know those words?”
“It’s alright, Buck,” Steve rushed to soothe, quietly pleased to see him shift even more towards him. Steve met his eye steadily. “We used to say that to each other as a reminder that we’d always have each other’s backs. That’s still true for me, Bucky, you’re still my friend.”
The assassin’s eyes dropped to the floor suddenly, and his hair fell forwards to cover his face.
“An Asset has no friends,” he said simply, his voice neutral like this was a universal truth of the world. Steve’s heart broke.
“You aren’t an Asset!” Steve refuted, his voice rising at the injustice of this entire situation: of just howmuch HYRDA had taken from Bucky. “You are a person and people have friends. Please, come back with me, Bucky.”
“I can’t.” Bucky’s voice broke on the words and his metal arm spasmed, the fingers clenching and unclenching sporadically. “HYD- they are still in my head.”
The blonde’s eyes softened at the sudden realisation.
“We’ll fix it,” he promised, understanding that Bucky was finally breaking through his conditioning. He was worried about trying to work through everything that HYDRA had instilled in him and hurting innocent people if he failed. “We’ll . . . we’ll go to Wakanda, and they’ll help you. We’ll get them out of your head and I promise you that you don’t ever have to fight for them again. You don’t have to hurt people for them.”
Bucky’s head lifted, and his blue eyes glistened with relieved tears. “I can stop fighting?” he murmured, his voice full of quiet amazement.
Steve nodded, slowly getting to his feet and approaching his friend with his arms up and palms out. He couldn’t risk startling Bucky away, not when he was finally getting through to him.
“Yeah, Buck, you can stop fighting,” he said softly, gently placing a hand on his friend’s shoulder. The man flinched slightly at the touch, but Steve felt some of the tension ease under his hand.
Bucky’s thoughts were cloudy and muddled as he tried to fight through his handlers’ voices screaming at him that HYDRA is your home, you are ours, nowhere else wants you. A pained noise escaped him as he struggled against the voices and he shook his head violently to clear his mind.
“I will come with you,” he eventually managed to say, his voice wavering and anxious.
The beaming smile that stretched across Steve’s lips at the words was worth it.
~~~
It had been six months since Steve had managed to get Bucky to go with him to Wakanda for help with losing his conditioning. A month ago, Shuri had announced that she had completed reversing the damage that HYDRA had inflicted on Bucky’s mind. Today was the first time Bucky was going to allow Steve to say his trigger words in their entirety.
The blonde knew how terrified his friend was that Shuri’s help had been futile and that he may still be at the mercy of the words in the red book; he’d decided that a few episodes of The Great British Bake-off would be useful for soothing the turbulent thoughts he knew were in his friend’s head. The baking show had proven to be useful for calming Bucky down after nightmares and PTSD episodes- the cheesy jokes and soothing colour-schemes seemed to ease his anxiety as he absently watched the contestants bake complex dishes.
Steve and Bucky walked into the common room expecting it to be as empty as it normally was, so they could curl up together and watch the show. Of course, on the one day that Steve knew Bucky needed the peace and quiet, this wasn’t the case.
“Hey, Pete, looks like you get to meet the fossils,” Tony grinned from where he sat on the sofa with the boy that must have been Peter, three boxes of pizzas spread out on the table. The teen in question had just picked up a large slice of what looked to be ham and pineapple. “Pete, this is Robocop and Capsicle. Robocop and Capsicle, this is Pete.”
The teen’s eyes widened and his pizza slice was dropped back into the box as he jumped to his feet.
“Oh my god, Mr Barnes and Mr Rogers, um, hi! I’m Peter- wait, Mr Stark already said that didn’t he?” Peter rambled, the words falling in an excited torrent. “It’s such an honour to meet you both, my friend Ned is never gonna believe that this happened- Mr Stark this is insane!”
Steve chuckled, used to fans freaking out when they met him, but on instinct he stepped forward so that Bucky was half-hidden from behind him. He knew that his friend didn’t like unnecessary attention, and being so blind-sided by this interaction in a place he considered a home wouldn’t help them with what was due to happen later that day.
“It’s nice to meet you, Peter,” Steve said, offering a hand. The teen took his hand in a grip much stronger than he had expected from the boy’s lean frame, and the blonde heard Tony laugh at the surprised look on his face. “We didn’t know anyone would be in here.” The words held a question that Steve was too polite to ask outright. Peter seemed to remember that he was still vigorously shaking the super-soldier’s hand, and he stepped back with an embarrassed blush on his cheeks.
Tony shrugged. “Figured the kid deserved a pizza for the designs he helped me come up with, but we’ll get out of your way. C’mon kid, let’s move this to the kitchen. I’ve heard it’s rude to keep the elderly standing.”
Peter boxed up the remaining pizza quickly and then awkwardly stammered out, “it was super great to meet you both!”
Bucky couldn’t help but smile at the earnestness in the teen’s eyes. “It was nice to meet you too, Peter,” he said politely, and Peter’s eyes widened in surprise. Tony had obviously told him about Bucky’s distrust of strangers.
“Pizza’s are getting cold, Pete,” Tony said, smiling softly in a way that neither super-soldier had ever seen from him before.
“Um, right. See you both around, I hope!” He said, before following Tony out of the room like an imprinted duckling.
As soon as they were alone in the common room, Steve turned to face Bucky in concern.
“Are you okay?” he asked, knowing that Bucky hadn’t wanted to meet anyone except those that Steve trusted wholeheartedly until after this afternoon, when he would know that there was no danger of him being forced back into HYDRA’s conditioning.
Bucky nodded, but the movement was shaky. Steve pulled him into a hug, letting his thumbs rub gentle circles into the ex-assassins back.
“What if Shuri’s methods didn’t work, Steve? What if HYDRA just need to say a few words and I’m back to killing people again?” Bucky asked, his throat closing with emotion at the thought of having to leave this relative sense of normalcy he had gotten used to over the last few months. Or worse, having to leave Steve.
“Shuri knows what she’s doing,” Steve reminded him gently. “If she said that the words won’t work on you, then they won’t.”
Bucky’s eyes closed as he rested his head on Steve’s shoulder and tightened his arms around the blonde’s body, a few remorseful tears slipping down his face. “I can’t go through that again,” he confessed, the words choked.
“You won’t have to, Buck,” the blonde murmured, one of his hands reaching up to cup at the back of Bucky’s head, running his fingers through the soft chocolate hair.
“Say the words, Steve,” Bucky whispered, so quietly that Steve wasn’t sure he had heard correctly.
“You want me to say them? Now?” he asked, trying not to sound too nervous.
He felt Bucky nod into his shoulder, the ex-assassin’s breath hot against his neck. “I trust you more than anyone else, Stevie. I know you won’t let anything happen to me if the words still work,” he said quietly, his voice sincere.
A beat of silence passed as they stood in each other’s embrace, Steve still trying to process the magnitude of the words.
“Did you want to sit down while I say them, or stay like this?” Steve asked, just wanting to make that what was sure to be a traumatic event was as easy as possible for him.
“Like this,” Bucky whispered, his eyes still closed as his head rested against Steve’s shoulder. Getting used to Steve’s larger frame had been one of the biggest challenges for him- after trying to move past HYDRA’s control. Some voice in the back of his mind was constantly needling him about making sure Steve was warm enough, and not coughing, and had his medication nearby: trying to shake that voice and acclimatise to the blonde’s new size also having eradicated his illnesses was almost as hard as trying to acclimatise to life without the trigger words.
“Alright,” Steve ceded, “but if you need me to stop at any point, just tell me, okay?”
Bucky nodded. “I’m ready.”
“Желаниe,” the blonde began, his voice steady despite the way his heart racing in his chest, “pжавый.” He stumbled slightly over the pronunciation, but Nat’s lessons had helped the words stay true to their original pronunciation. “Cемнадцать.” Bucky’s arms tightened around Steve’s body instinctually before he took a deep breath and loosened his hold. “Девять, Один.” His metal arm whirred as the mechanisms spasmed in response to his panic, but he forced himself to focus on Steve’s voice, the warm timbre that he spoke with that reminded Bucky he was safe. “Pассвет, Печь, Доброкачественные,” an anguished tear fell down Bucky’s cheek, dropping onto Steve’s shoulder, “Возвращение домой,” Bucky clenched his eyes shut against the pounding in his head- voices yelling at him to comply and offer no resistance, voices that promised him unimaginable pain if he didn’t do as they said. His breath caught and he forgot how to take air in as he waited for Steve to say the final trigger word. “Rрузовой вагон,” Steve said, and then suddenly Bucky was gasping for air as the blonde hurried him to the sofa and helped him sit down. The ex-assassin’s chest heaved as he realised what this meant.
The words had no effect on him now. He was free from HYDRA.
“Steve,” he said, urgently. “Stevie.”
“I’m right here, Buck. You did sowell- I’ve never been prouder.”
Bucky fell into Steve’s arms as they nestled back into the cushions.
“The words didn’t work,” he breathed, the wonder clear in his voice. “HYDRA’s conditioning is gone.”
“You’re free,” Steve emphasised. “They can’t hurt you ever again.”
“I’m free,” Bucky echoed quietly, like the concept of freedom was completely foreign to him.
They sat in content silence for a few moments.
“What happens now, Steve?” Bucky asked eventually, breaking the silence.
“Now,” Steve began, a smile lighting up his blue eyes, “we do whatever you want.”
Bucky turned to look him in the eye, his own smile mirroring Steve’s. “Tony said guys don’t have to date dames anymore, not if they don’t want to. I want to take you on a date. I’ve wanted to take you on a date ever since I saved you from your first fight in an alleyway. Would that be okay?” he asked, and although his voice was steady, uncertainty flickered in his eyes.
Steve took Bucky’s hands, the flesh hand warm and comforting, the metal hand sleek and smooth.
“I’d love to go on a date with you, Buck,” he answered, meaning every word. “I’ve wanted you ever since you saved me in my first fight in an alleyway,” he said, repeating Bucky’s words and watching the brunette’s eyes brighten.
“Wanna get dinner with me tonight then, pal?” Bucky asked with a lop-sided grin, his heart feeling lighter than it had in decades. The words didn’t work on him, he never had to fight again, and he was going on a date with Steve. He didn’t want to put their date off for even a moment longer.
Steve’s smile widened, and Bucky absently thought that he wanted to stay in this moment forever, just the two of them.
“Yeah. Le Pavillon sound good?” Steve offered, and Bucky’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Le Pavillon? The one we went to before the tech fair?” he asked, the disbelief clear in his voice.
Steve chuckled at the surprise on his face. “Yeah, turns out Henri kept it in the family. He put up a picture of the Howling Commandos, saying that we were regulars- one of the waitresses nearly had an aneurysm when she realised it was true and not just to attract tourists.” Bucky laughed loudly, thinking back to the times they’d saved up as much money as they could so they could buy pretty dames drinks. Ironic that the whole time they’d been longing to buy them for each other instead. “French for dinner, then?”
“You bet, pal. I’m not eating any snails though, that time you made me order them was one time too many,” he said, grimacing at the memory.
A beat of silence passed as they thought about all the time they’d missed out on being together.
“We’re really doing this,” Steve said quietly, as though the words were only meant for himself.
“Yeah, Stevie. I guess we are.”
“We’ve waited long enough,” Steve pointed out, but there was an undeniable wistfulness in his voice.
“Well, we’re not waiting a second longer,” Bucky decided, unceremoniously standing up and pulling Steve to his feet. He tugged the blonde towards the door, grinning at Steve’s indignant laughter.
“We’re going right now?” Steve laughed, content to be rushed towards the elevator if it meant he could keep his hand in Bucky’s.
They rounded the door and were met with Tony and Peter sitting at the kitchen’s island, the teen’s arms flailing about as he tried to explain a new suit design to his mentor. The billionaire glanced up as the pair entered the room, his eyes only settling on their entwined fingers for a moment before he was grinning and looking back at their faces.
“The words don’t work on me,” Bucky explained, his eyes bright, “Shuri’s reversal worked.”
A smile stretched across Tony’s face, and Peter beamed at them. “That’s great news, Barnes,” he said, and Bucky didn’t think he’d ever heard the genius sound so sincere.
“I’m glad that HYDRA can’t make you do bad stuff anymore,” Peter said, the child-like honesty somehow cutting straight to the point. HYDRA had spent a long time making him do things that were bad, but he wouldn’t have to go through that ever again.
“Me too, Pete,” Bucky said, with a smile of his own.
“Where were you two antiques heading off to?” Tony asked, smirking.
“We’re getting dinner,” Steve answered, looking at Bucky out of the corner of his eye to see if he was comfortable with telling Tony why. The billionaire found everything out, eventually.
Bucky’s back straightened, and he met Tony’s eye steadily. “We’re going a date,” he said, a slight challenge in his voice, as though he were daring Tony to try and embarrass them. Neither of the super-soldiers expected his eyes to soften at the news.
“I’m happy for you both,” he said, with no trace of teasing. From beside him, Peter seemed to be vibrating with excitement, his eyes switching between the pair like he was spectating a tennis match.
“Oh,” Steve said, the easy acceptance catching him off guard. “Um, thanks, Tony.”
The genius waved them off. “Go on, don’t let us hold you up.” The billionaire turned back to Peter, taking a sip of his coffee as the teen resumed his frantic gestures.
“Alright, see you later,” Steve said, turning to leave. He stopped when he realised Bucky was just looking at him with an eyebrow raised.
“Much, much later,” Bucky said, with deliberate emphasis. Steve’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Nat said that the three date rule doesn’t really apply nowadays. Apparently, it’s acceptable to have sex after a first date in the 21st century.”
Tony spat his coffee straight over the tablet on the counter, turning to the ex-assassin with a scandalised look as Peter snorted with laughter. Steve grinned at Tony’s reaction and made his way back to Bucky, throwing an arm around the man’s shoulders.
“In that case, maybe having lived to see the 21st century isn’t too bad,” Steve said, waggling his eyebrows with mock-seductiveness. “We wouldn’t want to have to wait until our third date.”
The billionaire spluttered incoherently, flapping his hands in their direction to shoo them away.
Bucky’s eyes lit up with mischief, letting Steve guide him away. “How will we make up for all the decades we didn’t get to spend together?” he asked, loudly enough for it to reach the kitchen.
They didn’t stop laughing until the elevator reopened on the ground floor and they made their way to the front entrance. Just as they were about to leave the tower, Steve tugged Bucky’s arm, pressing him up against the wall.
“I think I know how we can make up the lost time,” the blonde said, gaze flicking between Bucky’s lips and then back up to his blue eyes.
“Yeah?” Bucky asked, a little breathlessly. “How about this?”
He pulled Steve closer, the weight of the last 70 years melting away as their lips finally met.