Tony stepped out into the compound for the first time since, well, before. The team had just moved in, after Tony visited them in Wakanda. After the fight he had moved temporarily to his Malibu house, the compound feeling too empty without the team.
Rhodey was out on a mission, but he texted with Tony, and it made him feel a little less alone. The avengers were allowed back at the compound, but Tony didn't know where they all were. He didn't know where Steve was.
He saw him in Wakanda but there was so much going on then they didn't speak. (even though the letter said that if Tony needed him he would be there but he needed him then and he was never there but it was fine he was fine.)
He entered the compound and heard voices (which was weird because rhodey was away on a mission but he knew those voices-)
As he got closer the voice got louder and he knew that voice- how could he forget.
He tried to kill you why is he here-
“Tony?”
Tony whipped his head around and quickly shoved his best press smile onto his face and hoped they couldn't see how wide his eyes were. He didn't bother picking up his stuff he brought as he bolted from the room. He ran to the elevator and collapsed, his breathing accelerating as he pressed the button for the top floor. His old room.
He managed to stay in the corner of his room for a while, his panic having receded, leaving him tired and feeling like shit. He texted Rhodey, but he was away and it would take him a while to respond, so he just mindlessly scrolled through things pepper needed him to review. He found it too hard to focus so he just sat at his desk and let his eyes close. His jacket was on the bed, and he There was a knock on the door. “Tony?”
Shit.
“You can't stay there forever Tony, we need to talk.”
Tony mumbled through gritted teeth “don't let him in J” and JARVIS said something in response but he couldn't hear him-
And then Steve was smashing his reactor out with his shield and it hurt it hurt so much and the light was going out and oh god he was going to die and Steve was leaving, because everyone always left him and why should he stay, Tony was the merchant of death, and he killed so many people and-
“Tony?”
“Tony can you hear me?”
Tony scrambled away from him (what the fuck JARVIS I thought I told you not to let him in) and he tried to leave but fuck Steve was blocking the door fuckfuckfuck-
“Get out of my way.”
Steve looked almost sad but he stayed in the doorway. “Tony you can't keep running we need to talk”
Or he could just keep running. That sounded good too.
“Fuck you Rogers. I don't have anything to say to you.” he ducked under Steve's arm and ran to his lab.
He realized when he got to the lab that he couldn't stay here forever either, but he didn't really care.
He fished out a half empty bottle of whiskey he stored down here for when it was late and he was working. He didn't bother finding cups and just drank straight from the bottle.
He was drunk by the time he left the lab, many hours later, ignoring JARVIS’ concerned comments and went upstairs. (really it was a miracle he even got in the elevator he could barely walk) he made it to the kitchen, but Jarvis must've alerted Steve he was there because just a few seconds after, Steve entered the kitchen and saw him.
(he must look like shit right now but he really couldn't bring himself to care.)
Steve gives him a look. “Tony you shouldn't drink that much, it can't be good for you.”
Tony decidedly doesn't look at Steve, choosing to look at a very interesting spot on the wall. He decides fuck it, because he's never made good descisions while drunk.
“Fuck you Rogers, fuck you. You think you can just come back here with your perfect stupid face, and you try to talk to me after almost trying to kill me- you dont get to do that.” he slurs waving his hands around wildly.
“I never wanted to hurt you Tony.” Steve’s face looks pained.
Tony scoffs and then, deciding he's had enough of this, goes back to his lab and sits on the ground, laughing at nothing because really, it's not funny, but it almost is, how Steve is still like this, even after trying to kill him.
Tony woke up feeling arms wrapped around him and laughed, rolling over so he could kiss Steve, still feeling sore from the night before. Steve is looking down at him with a look that is so honest he squirms, but then Steve kisses him again and they're laughing and-
Tony picked up the bottle again and finished what was left, got another bottle to drink and lay down on the floor watching the ceiling move and passed out.
When he woke up, it was still dark out and his head was pounding and he groaned.
He got up after a while and left the compound, avoiding Steve and getting in his car. He didn't know where he was going but he kept driving, stopping at the side of a road and wandering around. There was nobody there, so he sat down on the pavement and looked around.
He couldn't see anything except for space all around him and they were coming and everyone was dead and he couldn't save them, couldn't save the team or Steve and it was his fault, just like sokovia and just like the woman who had a son and he couldn't save him either they all died-
He walked to the nearest bar, and bought as much alcohol as he could carry. His hands were shaking as he got back into his car and drove back to the compound. When he got to his room he looked in the mirror. He lost weight since the team left. The window in the corner let off a soft glow, and the scar on his chest was visible. He was so fucking tired.
He took out the bottles he had bought and he downed them.
His face hurt as he was hit, and he could hear Howard screaming at him to man up, his robot laying in pieces on the floor because it wasn't good enough, he's not good enough and that's going to leave a bruise and he can hear his mom telling Howard to stop it and he sees the bottle Howard’s swinging around and he curls up in himself and hurts.
He thought of Howard, the team, and Steve, he was never good enough for any of them, and the team left and Steve left. They all left and now he has nothing, which is funny because he has everything and everyone but he doesn't, he never has. He threw up, and just kept drinking until everything went black.
When he woke up, he expected to be in his lab, but he didn't know where he was, until he heard beeping and looked to see Steve sitting there looking worried. He jumped up when he saw Tony was awake, causing Tony to flinch back. His head hurt, and his body felt sore.
Steve opened his mouth. “Tony what the fuck was that. You know drinking that much can harm you” he sounded hysterical. “What were you thinking Tony talk to me please.”
Tony said quietly “What do you want me to say Steve? I wasn't thinking okay, and now I would like to go back to the compound and never speak of this again.” He got up from his bed and opened the door, only to see the team looking at him worriedly.
Jesus fuck he couldn't deal with this right now.
“Guys i'm fine it was nothing” he said exasperatedly.
Clint stood up. “It wasn't nothing Tony you could've seriously harmed-”
Tony took his head in his hand and sighed. He smiled his press smile again and said “I'm fine. Drop it okay?”
Steve opened his mouth, probably to protest, but Tony turned around and left the building. When he got to the compound, Steve was sitting there with his face in his hands. He reached out to grab Tony’s hand and Tony flinched back violently.
Fuck.
Steve retreated his hand and looked at Tony. He stared at Tony and asked quietly
“When are you going to talk to me Tony? I'm sorry for the accords I swear I never meant to hurt you.” he took a deep breath. “And you don't have to ever speak to me again after this but please just give me a chance. I love you.”
Tony stopped looking at Steve and instead focused on the ground. “You know it was never about the fucking accords. You lied to me. None of you ever trusted me. And now you're coming back and telling me you love me? You don't get to fucking do that. You left me. You didn't choose me. You left me alone here. I loved you Steve. I thought you valued what we had.”
Steve looked at him with a sad look. “I did Tony, of course I did.”
Tony smiled bitterly. “You promised you would never hurt me. I have nightmares from you Steve. I can't do this. Not right now.”
Steve looked at him. “Please just give me a chance. Please.”
Tony drew in a shuddering breath. He remembered his mother, and the video, and Steve walking away. He remembers the mornings he and steve used to have and how he knew he still wanted him, and that scared him so much.
“Okay.”
The smile Steve gave him almost made him almost feel warm again.