please don’t leave me here
Carla was feeling dizzy, disoriented, maybe it was the red wine she had last night? Lisa rushed off to work, barely even looking at Carla. Carla remembering that she confessed her love to Lisa last night and getting second hand embarrassment. She didn’t say it back. She didn’t not not say it but she still, she didn’t. Lisa reassured her that just because Carla was a little further ahead, it didn’t mean that Lisa wouldn’t get there. *bark bark bark*. Why the hell is there a Dog in the café? “Roy, will you please shut that dog up!” Roy looked at her, Carla was confused and looked towards the dog bed, there’s no dog. Suddenly, she was looking at Roy and he was yelling at her, *boxes. boxes piling up everywhere. you need to get back to the factory. they need sorting out. what are you still doing here?? go sort out those boxes!!* “Sorry, Roy. I gotta go.” “Carla, are you okay? I’m worried about you.” “Yeah, Roy. I’m fine. Too much red wine you know? Celebrated a little too hard I guess.” Carla stood up and stumbled out the café, sliding herself across the wall of the café and held herself up so she didn’t fall over. Everything was moving. Everything was blurry. Why was everything spinning? She let go of the wall and started to walk towards her flat, “happy new year, Carla!” She looked up, out of it, and saw Tyrone, “what?” “I said happy new year, are you okay?” “Yeah, yeah. I gotta go.” Tyrone looked at her gone out, definitely hungover he thought. Back at Carla’s flat, she grabbed a glass of water, everything was still spinning, there was a slight hum in the background, a buzz in her ears, her eyes losing focus, then suddenly a bang on the door. *bang!* Carla shot her head round to the front door, *bang! bang!* “Who’s.. who’s there?” She was so scared, she didn’t want to go through this again, she didn’t want to relive the worst year of her life, she thought she got past this, she thought she was better, she thought her mental health was on track, she thought she was controlling it, handling it well, what the hell was happening? The banging got louder, more frequent, louder and louder and louder. That’s it. She thought. She unlocked the door and nothing. Quiet. Nobody was there. It was empty. The hallway was empty and quiet but her head, her head was so loud, so noisy. She covered her hands over her mouth and sobbed, she sobbed so hard and slid down the wall of her flat, tears falling and fear in her eyes. Was she really losing her mind, again?
Lisa took a break from work for an hour and decided to go back to the flat to check in on Carla, she seemed really rough earlier but she just thought it was a bad hangover, she definitely had a lot more red wine last night than her, she wanted to clear the air on everything as well, with Carla confessing her love for Lisa, she wanted to make sure they were okay, because she couldn’t bare the thought of Carla mulling over it like Lisa didn’t feel it, because she did she just wasn’t sure if she could say it yet. She opened the outside door and walked up the stairs, put her key in the flat door and hit something, what was blocking the door? She squeezed by and saw what it was. It was Carla. Carla was lying lifeless on the floor, “Carla!” Lisa screamed, getting down to her level, “Carla, please, talk to me,” tears filling Lisa’s eyes, please not again, don’t do this to me again, Lisa thought. “Hey, darling, can you open your eyes?” Carla groaned, Lisa brushed Carla’s hair out of her face and looked at her, “sweetie please,” “Lisa…” Carla moaned, “Lisa, I’m so scared… I think… I think it’s coming again” Lisa had no idea what she meant, Carla never mentioned her psychosis to Lisa, she hadn’t spoken to her about her mental health yet, there was no need too, the right moment hadn’t come up and it was still early days between them, she didn’t want to scare Lisa off with the thought of her having a mental breakdown and knowing that she could fall into that again, who wants to be with someone who could breakdown any second without warning? “What do you mean? It’s coming again?” Carla tried to speak but couldn’t, Lisa phoned an ambulance straight away whilst talking to Carla, she fell unconscious and Lisa feared the worst. No. She couldn’t go through this again. She couldn’t lose someone else she loves. She couldn’t lose Carla without telling her how she feels. She couldn’t have Carla die on her without her knowing she feels the same. She wouldn’t let anything happen to Carla. She waited for the ambulance and waited for answers.
At the hospital Carla was taken away and Lisa was frantic. The doctor kept asking her questions which she didn’t know how to answer. She didn’t know Carla well enough in that department to feel confident in answering such questions. She never asked much about her life when she should have. She should have asked personal questions so if anything like this happened she would be prepared, “Ms Swain, are you okay?” “Sorry. Sorry, I,” tears fell down Lisa’s cheeks, “I don’t know how to answer these questions, we’ve only been dating for a couple months, we haven’t sat down and talked properly, we- I’ll call Roy, he’ll know.” Lisa got out her phone and called Roy, ashamed she couldn’t answer questions about her own girlfriend’s health. Roy showed up 15 minutes later, getting a taxi instead of the bus because well, it was Carla, she was like a daughter to him. “Lisa.” Roy used her name, he never used her name, he always used Detective Sergeant, this was serious. “Roy, hi. I need you to answer the doctors questions, I.. I can’t.” Roy looked at the doctor as he began so spoke, “is Carla using any form of drugs? Medical or recreational?” “No, not as of late.” “So she has done in the past?” Lisa looked at Roy, tear stained cheeks. “Medical use only. Not recreational.” This was news to Lisa but she couldn’t be angry, she never asked Carla about her health. “Is there anything else we need to know?” “She only has one kidney. She had a transplant, about seven years ago. Is that kidney infected?” “We need to run more tests but its looking like she has sepsis and we don’t know about her one remaining kidney yet. Thank you, please wait here.” Lisa fell into her chair, “sepsis?” She put her hands in her head, “how would she… the robbery, the head injury.” She knew she should’ve kept a closer eye on her, was that what was happening this morning? She wasn’t hungover was she? She was going septic. Tears started to stream. Roy sat next to her whilst she cried and took her hand in his. “Carla is a fighter, she will be okay.” Lisa looked at him through watery eyes, “Thank you.” She cupped her hand over his and waited. She hated this waiting game.
An hour later the doctor finally came back and told both Roy and Lisa that they could go in a see her, “you go,” Roy said to Lisa, “I’ll be in soon, you two need to be with each other,” Lisa nodded and whispered “thank you”, she opened the door to where Carla was and saw her lying there, on her side and looking up at Lisa, the sad expression on her face, “hey you,” Lisa sat down next to her and took her hands in hers, “how are you feeling?” Carla looked down, like she was defeated, “better,” she said, “when I saw you, lying there on the floor in the flat, I was so scared Carla.” Carla’s eyes shot up, “you found me? I thought Roy…” Lisa’s face dropped, “I’m sorry you had to see me like that,” “talk to me Carla, please.” “Lisa, you don’t need this, I’m okay.” “You’re in a hospital bed, you have sepsis and only one kidney, you’re not okay.” Roy. Carla thought. Roy and his honesty is the bane of her life. “Okay.” Carla said, “ask me.” Lisa looked deep into Carla’s eyes and said, “tell me your story, I’m here to listen,” Carla took a deep breath and began to tell her girlfriend part of her life she so desperately wanted to keep hidden from her. “in 2017, I had kidney failure. I came back from living in Devon to be with people who I loved, I told Roy and he said I could stay with him, so I did. Aidan, my brother.” A single tear fell down Carla’s cheek as she mentioned Aidan, “he offered me his kidney, both he and Kate were a match but he gave me his. A few months after the transplant, he… he killed himself. No one saw the signs, no one paid attention to his struggles, he suffered alone and ended his life,” Lisa squeezed Carla’s hand, reassuring her she was here, “after that, a year later, the factory roof collapsed, trapping Rana inside, Kate’s wife, on their wedding day. I knew the roof wasn’t stable but I didn’t get it fixed properly, I thought it was my fault but Gary, he, did a botched job and it caved in, before I knew that though I…” Carla took a deep breath, “fell into a deep, deep psychosis episode, my mental health dropped, I pushed everyone away, I stopped taking care of myself, I nearly damaged my one remaining kidney because I was so out of it. I ran away, I was having hallucinations, I slept rough, I did things I’m not proud of, eventually I came home but it took me a while to trust again.. I saw Rana,” Carla shifted, she hadn’t thought about this, this deep in so long, Lisa stroked her hand with her thumb, “she was climbing the fire escape near the flats, I followed her, I nearly jumped off the fire escape, but Peter saved me. Eventually, I got better. But then Stephen happened, in 2023. He made me believe I was going through it all over again, I was terrified Lisa. I was reliving the worst time of my life and there was nothing I could do. And well, you know what happened in the end for that. Now this, today. I thought, I thought I was going crazy again and I didn’t know what to do.” At this point Carla was sobbing, Lisa climbed onto the bed next to her and held her. “Carla I am so sorry I just brushed this off this morning. I had no idea.” “Don’t, don’t do that, you weren’t to know.” “But you told me not to leave, and I did.” “You had to go to work, I don’t blame you.” Carla leaned into Lisa, she needed to feel someone else’s heartbeat to know she was safe. Lisa pulled her closer, “I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.” Carla closed her eyes and cried into Lisa’s chest. “Carla?” “Mmhmm,” she answered, “look at me,” Carla lifted her head and looked into Lisa’s eyes, “I have to tell you something,” “Lisa wait, you don’t have to do this,” Lisa wiped Carla’s tears away from her eyes, “the last time I saw Becky, we argued. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again, I wouldn’t leave without telling everyone how I feel, you never know when your last day may be. I didn’t think I would never see Bex again.” Carla looked away but Lisa lifted her chin back to face her, “So, with that being said, let me tell you this,” Lisa looked into Carla’s eyes, those dark chocolate eyes, the eyes she melted for, “I love you, Carla.” “Lisa you don’t need to…” “I have loved you since that day you let yourself into my car and comforted me. You hardly knew me and you let me open up to you about Becky, about Betsy. You left and I, felt something.” Carla had no idea, she was with Peter and she hardly knew Lisa. “I told myself I was being silly, you’re straight right?” Lisa laughed, Carla smiled. “But last year, in October, at your flat, when I had too much truth drug, you gave me attention that I craved, you hugged me, looked at me and everything made sense. I ran. I was scared so I ran. But my feelings stayed. Now, here we are and I have never loved you more.” Lisa kissed Carla’s forehead, Carla tilted her chin upwards, lining her lips up with Lisa’s, “I love you, Lisa. I didn’t think I could love like this again after, well. But it’s you, it’s always been you.” Lisa pressed her lips against Carla’s, the world melted away and Carla realised that she could love, and be loved in return.