Swim
Jane sat with Bucky at the breakfast bar as they watched her mother cook them breakfast a few days later. Her mother had decided she didn't want to go home to Texas right away, and it actually gave Jane some relief.
She'd be the last to ever admit she needed her mother but...
She needed her mother.
Bucky had his face in a pregnancy book, while she munched on toast. Her morning sickness had all but subsided, but there were days when the babies decided to be rotten, and today was one of those days.
She sighed quietly as Bucky caressed her thigh under the counter. He was so good to her. And for her. These last few days with her mother, they really felt like a little family.
And her mother absolutely adored him.
She pulled on his hand to get his attention. She wanted to be held, but didn't want to ask. He marked the page and closed the book, before reaching over and pulling her easily into his lap. The easy pda they shared lately threw her for a loop. She was never one for pda, but now she couldn't get enough of it.
"You're thinking too hard again, sweetheart," he murmured into her hair. His hand caressed her expanding waist and he tightened his hold.
"No," she said. "I just love you."
His smile took up his whole face and his eyes crinkled at the sides. "You said the words."
"I meant the words," she said matter-of-factly.
"I love you too, Jane. Always have. Always will," he said. He pushed her hair aside and kissed her neck.
"Ay mira," her mother grinned. "This is why I say to my sister, my daughter chose the best."
"He chose me, mami," Jane grinned.
"No matter," she said. "la comida is ready." She sat two heaping plates of eggs and bacon and some fruit in front of them.
"Thank you, Luci, for cooking," Bucky moved her to one leg, so he could hold her as they ate.
"Don't think nothing of it," she grinned as she climbed onto Jane's old spot with her own plate. "I love to feed my family."
They all ate in silence for a few minutes. Bucky finished his and was heading for seconds, when a knock at the door sounded and Bruce walked in carrying two baby carriers with what looked like dolls in them.
She stared at him before asking. "What," she paused. "What are those?" She bit off a piece of her bacon and wrinkled her nose at him. "And why are they here?"
Bruce watched her for a few seconds before smiling and responding. "These are your assignments for the next two weeks."
"I'm not in school," Bucky commented dryly.
"No," Bruce replied. "But you're about to have two babies to take care of. Can you tell me, James, that you have had any experience with infants?"
Bucky opened and closed his mouth and Jane raised her hand. "I have. So do I have to do it?"
"Yes," he laughed.
"Why do we have to take care of dolls? Did you pull those from Sofia's toy box," Bucky asked.
Bruce laughed and put both carriers on the counter, and Jane's eyes widened.
"Ooh no," she moaned.
"Oh yes," Bruce grinned and turned to his teammate. "These aren't just regular dolls."
"No. They're the spawns of Satan," Jane groaned and pushed her plate aside to put her head in her hands. "Bruce. I'm already stressed enough."
"It's only two weeks, Jane. And believe me. It helps," he responded.
Bucky looked at them confused. "I don't get it. What do you mean 'they aren't dolls'," he asked and jumped back when one of the babies started to cry. "What the hell?!"
"James. The language," Luci scolded gently before she got up from her stool and walked around the counter to take a peek at the carriers. "Oh I remember these," she said. "Mija, you had these for the school, yes?"
Jane nodded and glared at Bruce before looking at Bucky. "They're electronic babies that they use on high schoolers for like child-development or home economics classes. They act like real babies," she turned her glare back to Bruce. "Though the baby in our family, Sofia, was much easier than that when she was an infant."
"Child rearing is hard," Bruce grinned.
"And you would know that, how," Jane asked, peeved that he was making her do this.
Bruce laughed and put the bag on the counter. "Bottles, diapers, and clothes. Everything you needs is in here. I truly wish you the best." He winked at Jane before heading to the door. He turned and looked at Jane, "and don't even think about taking the batteries out, Jane Foster," and then he was gone.
Bucky stared at the crying baby in disbelief while Luci dug through the bag and took out a bottle and put the bottle to the dolls lips. It automatically stopped crying and started making sucking sounds and Bucky's eyes widened almost comically.
"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME," he exclaimed.
Jane sighed. She put her empty dish in the sink and took the baby and the bottle from her mother and found a comfortable spot on the couch with a pillow for her arms.
This was going to be a long two weeks.
Steve walked int Dr. Raynor's on-campus office, and sat down with a sigh. He was late, but Raynor understood and pushed some appointments.
Saving a bunch of civilians from a group of scorned ex Stark Industries employees came before therapy.
He showered before he came, and now here he was.
"How does Bucky do this every week," he wondered quietly and cleared his throat. Raynor smiled at him.
"I'll give you a topic," she said. "Let's start at the beginning. War changes us. Being in the army changes us. So as much as we want to put a noble spin on serving our country and serving it well, I find that if we are just real about it, it helps dig out any issues that we may have buried deep down. So that they don't come bubbling to the surface later."
Steve nodded. His best friend was living proof. That still didn't mean it wasn't going to be a struggle to talk about it though.
"So tell me why you joined the army." Raynor got her pen and notepad out to take notes. Bucky said he hated the notebook, so she didn't use it on him, unless she wanted him to talk. Something about repressed issues and clinical staff always being around him to take notes during his Winter Soldier days. For all that he was and all Hydra made him do, he was basically an experimenr for future super soldiers.
"I joined the army because it was the right thing to do," Steve said.
"Was it," she raised a brow. "From what I have seen and read, it was very hard for you to join. Why go through the effort?"
"Because it was the right-" he started but she interrupted.
"You said that. But I don't buy that," she said
"Wha-."
"You said it was the right thing," she began. "But was it really? Think about it," she said.
"I don't understand."
"There are rules, even to this day, for people who enlist in the army. For their safety and for their fellow soldiers safety as well. Health conditions not met means you don't join. And you had many. You were denied so many times, and there were clear and proper reasons for those denials. So I ask again. Why did you try so hard to join the army."
Steve took a deep, fortifying breath. She reminded him of Natasha.
He was screwed.
"Because I wanted to," he admitted.
She nodded and wrote something in her notebook. "See now we're getting somewhere. Why did you want to?"
Steve looked out the large window to his left and sighed. "I grew up sick and poor. I wanted to prove myself."
"To who," she looked at him.
"To myself," he said.
"I don't buy that either," she said.
"You're a terrible shrink," he said.
"Because I'm not letting you bullshit yourself? If that makes me terrible, I will gladly own the title," she stated.
"I did do it for myself."
"Did you?"
"Yes."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"I'm still not buying it," she said. "You want to know why I think you joined?"
"Please enlighten me," he said sarcastically.
"Because you had something to prove," she said.
"I did no-," he stopped.
"You said in our last session that Bucky was always getting you out of trouble."
"Yeah, so."
"You had no brothers or sisters of your own, so by proxy, you made Bucky kind of your older brother. And he accepted that role. That's what older brothers do. They get their little brothers out of fights. They train their little brothers to join the army. And when after all that training and you still didn't get in, but he did. You didn't have the same parents, but the expectations are the same."
"Expectations?"
"The expectation to live up to one's older sibling. It can be heavy."
"There were no expectations," he said.
"No?"
"No," he said. "Bucky didn't want me to join."
"So why did you?"
"Because I wanted to prove that I could," he exclaimed.
"Because you had something to prove," she nodded. And he shrank back. "Steve, having something to prove doesn't make you a bad man."
"No," he asked.
"No. In fact it makes you human," she said. "It also helps us to understand a lot about what motivates you." She went back to writing in her notebook. "You were enlisted by Dr. Erksine. And stationed at Lehigh, correct?"
"How do you know all this," he asked.
"I know how to research Steven. School taught me well," she smiled. "Tell me about your experience in basic."
"It was," he started. "Well it was hell. I didn't make friends easily cause I was so small, and people didn't think i belonged there."
"And you wanted to prove that you did."
"Bucky was a sergeant," he said. "I knew I didn't have his skill. But I wanted to make him proud, when or if he heard that I joined."
"I see," she wrote down some more. "Bucky was overseas at the time already?"
"Yeah."
"You jumped on a grenade," she stated.
"I didn't want anyone to get hurt," he said.
"You met a woman."
"She was the first dame that didn't look at me with pity or disgust," he said quietly.
"That must have been a big deal for you."
"Dames never looked me like they looked at Bucky. I never had that."
"And you wanted that?"
"I wanted to be seen, yes," he said. "I never thought it would happen. Let alone in a war."
"But it did," she said.
"Yeah. It did."
"How did that make you feel?"
"On top of the world," he said.
"Did you hesitate when you jumped on top of the grenade," she asked.
"No."
"Did you hesitate when Dr. Erksine selected you for his experiment?"
"No."
"Were you scared," she asked.
"Not until that morning. But even then. Not really."
"Peggy was with you that morning."
"She was my escort," he said and cleared his throat. "To the...place."
"Tell me about after the experiment. It was a success," she said.
"I caught a bad guy," he said. "It was the first time I ever punched at a guy and been successful."
"A guy from Hydra," she said. "He killed Erksine."
"Yeah," he said quietly.
"Erksine had become your friend."
"He believed in me like Bucky did."
"And Peggy," she said.
"Yeah. And Peggy."
"They all believed that the Steve before the serum was a good man," she said and looked right at him.
He nodded and looked at his hands.
"So there you are, with all these new abilities. Ready to go fight Nazi's side by side with Bucky and Peggy. And they turn you into a propaganda tool."
"I felt like a dancing monkey," he said.
"Did you talk to anyone about how you felt?"
"I talked to Peggy. She said that I was made for more than that."
"She saw you, the way Bucky saw you."
"Yeah."
"And that was a big deal to you."
"They believed in me. You can do a lot when people believe in you."
"That belief motivated you into single handedly infiltrate a Hydra Base," she raised a brow at him.
He grinned.
"By yourself."
"You're starting to sound like my Ma used to."
"You rescued Bucky," she said.
"They had him strapped to a table. He was sick. I didn't know it at the time but they had been experimenting on him."
She nodded. "You rescued the entire company that had been captured."
"We destroyed the place," he grinned at her and she smiled.
"You and Bucky are entirely too charming."
"I've never been told that before," he grinned.
"Liar."
"We started the Howlimg Commandos."
"And Bucky was your second."
"In all honesty he was my first. I ran everything by him before I announced anything. I wasn't experienced and ran by the seat of my pants in the beginning. I didn't know anything about strategy. Bucky had been in the war for over a year, and had earned his rank. They were his men first."
"And he was ok with that?"
"Oh the team all knew. Bucky would let me take credit in front of the brass, but what he doesn't let you see is that he's secretly an asshole. No way was he letting me upstage him in front of his own team. At least until I got better at strategizing."
She laughed.
"One time he took out a couple of Hydra soldiers who were after me. My dumbass turned around and saluted him. Gave away his cover. He reamed me for hours after."
"So Bucky was still teaching you, even during the war."
"Bucky is still teaching me to this day," he said. "He's a jerk."
"Tell me about the day he fell from the train."
"It was like any other mission. We were confident we could get the job done. We never thought,-" he choked up. "At that point I had lost my Pa and Ma. Lost Erksine. It all pales in comparison to the day Bucky fell."
"You watched your best friend, your brother, your fellow soldier fall to his supposed death. You don't go into war thinking you'll die. You go and fight your hardest not to. Bucky until that point was an indestructible tree, and he was taken out in a devastating way."
"I never should have let him go."
"For all that I know about James Barnes, there is no way he would have let anyone else be by your side for something as big as that."
"I could have tried-,"
"Stop trying to make yourself feel better by taking away the dignity of his choice. That takes away every heroic thing he has ever done, and every step he has gone through to redeem himself."
"He suffered,-"
"He did. But he's not letting that hold him back. Why are you?"
Steve sat there and stared at her in shock. "I'm not,-"
"I get that it was devastating in more ways than you could have even imagined that day he fell, because now you know exactly what happened and what he went through. But that day. All you knew was that he fell. And you assumed, rightfully so, that he was dead. And that motivated you."
"I wanted nothing more than to do right by him."
"You went after Red Skull."
"He was getting ready to bomb New York. I couldn't let that happen."
"So you decided to put the bird in the water."
"There was no other option," he said.
"So to recap. Your brother goes to war and leaves you behind. You go to war. You meet a woman who loves and respects you for who you are. You rescue your brother who always had your back. You and your brother start killing Nazis. Your brother 'dies,' and you plunge a plane into the ocean in your effort to rid the world of Nazis once in for all, leaving a woman you seemingly loved behind to grieve."
"I didn't have a choice," he said again through his teeth.
"Your brother died," she said. "And you plunged a plane into the water."
"I told you why I did it."
"Cause you didn't have a choice?"
"Yes," he said.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"You just did," he said.
"Funny," she deadpanned. "Did this plane have any glass windows?"
"Well yeah," he said. "The front window was made of glass."
"You busted a Hydra agent out of a submarine under water, by busting out the glass and dragging him out," she said.
"So?"
"So why didn't you swim," she asked and sat her pen down and closed her notebook.
Steve stared at her. Yeah he didn't like this therapy thing at all.