OILED UP QUILL PRESENTS THE SCOTTISH MAGCHIVES
EPISODE 201: THIS SHIT
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STATEMENT OF LADY MACBETH REGARDING HER HUSBAND’S ENCOUNTER WITH THREE WITCHES OF THE HEATH
AUDIO RECORDING BY MARTIN K. BANQUOOD
STATEMENT BEGINS:
I wath going to thine heath thereupon with mine husband, john macbeth. There upon we came across two wisen men (very old and decrepit) and one that was a bit less old, one of the old one reaked of statens’ cabbage. The apparence of these hags frighted me to mine core, causing me to speak that of a modern englishman. Innit. As, of course, thine is the very model of a model major englishman. Which ent how i speak anymore. Something about these men awoken something in me. It was almost like i wanted to be them when i was old myself. But of course th8is was ridiculous.
They introduced themselves as Elias, Peter and Simon Fairchild. They looked very awkward and one had a jacket haphazardly flung across his bare chest. Suspicious. They all ignored me because they are sexist. One told my hubby he would be king, while the others explained my good lady in waiting Helen Distortion would sire the heirs to the throne eight generations onwards. Perturbed by this news, we went home to our castle. “Wasn’t that odd?”, I asked my spouse Macbeth, who responded “Shut up wife you’re a woman i don't care for your opinion foul strumpet now goandmakemearoastporkinfa….”. I tuned out his noise. How I despise being a woman anyways moving on to another idea
Later on that evening, while I was enjoying a “girls night” in bed with Helen. Suddenly, my husband burst into the room, so out of sorts he wasn’t even surprised by our position!! “King Gertrude has perished!!”, he exclaimed. “Rejoice, for i am now head archivist of scotland!!”. /internally: fuck this/ “Thats great, babe! I’m kinda busy here though could it wait until later? Thanks dear”.
After he left, I turned back towards Helen to continue our evening. However we lost track of time! The morning after, I stepped out onto the balcony to find a bunch of fucking??? Walking trees outside the castle?? What the fuck why are those there what did he do i didnt see him for like a day and he does this shit like what the hell john????
“My dear”, he uttered, walking out to the balcony behind me. “Theres only room in this castle for one of us…” and then he hit me harshly over the head with a metal pipe, despite the fact he could’ve pushed me over the railing and it would’ve been a lot less clean up. My ghost had to watch him scrubbing the tiles for like an hour like you could’ve thought this through. L. O. L.
STATEMENT ENDS CAUSE I DIED
What the fuck how did he write this said martin banquood