Tony and Steve looked at each other, then back out at the fourth wall. A voice off camera says, "You ready?" They nod, and exhale.
Tony glares. "Okay, first of all, Civil War is a wonderful movie. It's got great effects, amazing action, and deep drama. BUT... it is not flawless."
Steve shakes his head. "To be honest, for that movie to exist at all, half the Avengers need to be so out of character it's like we had been handed a few dozen idiot balls."
A brief tap on Steve's shoulder, and Tony takes back over. "So... let's start with Sokovia. That was the start of everything that went wrong, and with Bruce out in outer space (though we didn't know it at the time), left the entire weight of what happened on my shoulders. My whole idea of 'a net to protect the world' was, to put it bluntly, idiotic - but TOTALLY in character. Because of my hubris, and to be totally honest, my trauma from everything from weeks of torture while building the Mk I from a box of scraps in a cave, to nearly dying saving New York from a nuke by carrying it through a portal I never expected to return from, I slipped back into my old ways, thinking I was the only person who could do anything. And, thus, the Iron Legion.
"And that brings us to the whole Crossbones fiasco, and the start of the Idiot Ball hot potato," continued Steve. "No version of me, even the one from earlier MCU movies, would have just left after that entire debacle. I would have spent the next who knows how long doing everything I could to get survivors out of the wreckage. Also... yes, people died because Scarlet Witch lifted the idiot into the air. Do you know how many people would have died if she had left him on the ground? Yes, there's a number of ways she could have handled it better, but decisions made at home, with time to think, will always trump those made in the heat of battle."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know. Look, Cap, let's not go scene by scene, we'd be here all day. Let's address the big problem points." Tony reaches off screen, and comes back with a stack of papers. "This is the Sokovia Accords. Even just looking at the only text that has been released by official sources, this is something that any businessman, even one suffering from psychological trauma, would never sign. " He holds up the single page that has been displayed on screen. "This, alone, says I can never take action unless approved by a UN Panel. Yes, it is implied that this only referring to actions as a superhero, but implications can be ignored when a politician with an agenda steps up - like the ones we found out are part of Hydra, or a certain former General who spent the majority of his time as a Flag officer hunting down Brucey-Boy claiming he was government property.
"Now, what makes more sense? Something we all hate, but which is also found in literally every law enforcement agency in the country, and in most international law enforcement agencies - PAPERWORK. Rather than waiting on a committee to come to a decision, which is monumentally stupid, we simply fill out after-action reports, and other paperwork, and THOSE are evaluated by a committee after the fact. How the HELL did an experienced businessman like me even THINK about signing this poorly worded garbage? Sure, I leave most of things to Pepper, or whoever was my assistant before her, but I am not an idiot. I WAS raised by my father. The answer? Idiot ball."
"On top of that, these Accords are, fundamentally, unconstitutional," piped up Steve. "An Accord is not a law, a treaty, or Amendment, and has zero force under the law. Second, it is literally unconstitutional for Congress to pass a law to willfully terminate constitutional rights, if you go by other scraps that have come out. Oh, sure, it could try, but such a law would be unenforcable and unconstitutional."
"And," continued Steve, "that brings me to my own mistakes. First... the way I handled the entire Bucky situation was idiotic. He's my longest, closest friend, my brother in all but blood. And instead of holding both to my principles and my friendship, and getting him help alongside the enormous mountain of evidence that he was not in control of his own actions, I hide him, and break the law to try and not let him get the help he needs until we end up at Wakanda."
"Speaking of tinsel-fingers," interrupts Tony, "why is it I can forgive Hawkeye for the deaths he caused when under Loki's mind control, but want to actively kill Bucky for the deaths of my parents caused when under Hydra's mind control? Yes, rage. Yes, anger. Yes, my mother was a saint. But in the time it would take me to find and confront the Star Spangled Duo, that rage would (or should) have calmed. Yes, I would hate him. But wanting to commit murder? Totally out of character, and hypocritical to the extreme."
"Meanwhile, all of those of us who fought at the airport... yeah. The list of idiotic tactical decisions could be as long as the entire rest of this fic, but are topped by something even worse," began Steve. "How. The. HECK. Did a glancing blow from Falcon's drone beam rip apart War Machine's armor badly enough to knock him out of the sky?" Go back and watch the scene, at the angle of the hit, it should have either glanced away due to angle of incidence, or completely cored him and killed him instantly - IF it was that strong! In addition, Iron Man's repulsor rays are strong enough to level tanks, yes - but Falcon survives a hit directly to the chest, at a moment when Tony would be FAR more emotional and rage filled than when he tries to murder Bucky, and therefore would have used 100% lethal force. So, by those two examples, Falcon's drone is more powerful than the Iron Man suit, and would have killed nearly anyone or anything he ever used it on. Or, we could use a more rational, logical level of power for the drone, and the worst that would have happened is Rhodey would have been stunned in mid-air, like Tony has on occasion."
Both Tony and Steve stand. "Now, let's sum it all up. Good movie?"
Steve nods. "Yep."
"Out of character?"
Steve nods. "Yep."
"A reason for divisiveness, hate, and character bashing in the fandom?"
They look at each other, and back at the fourth wall. "HECK. NO. GET OVER IT!"
Steve shakes his head. "Get your heads out of your... err, out of that movie, and look at the actual portrayal of the characters elsewhere. Both Tony and I are both devoted to the protection of the innocent, and guarding the human race, and portraying either one of us, or our teams, as virtually villains is idiotic."
"Oh," adds Tony. "I didn't save everyone from the snap. Stop saying I did. That was Brucie Bear that did that, and he paid nearly as great a price as I did. All I did was keep Grape Ape from ever being able to come back after them. Okay, get on back to some less hate filled fics, please? Some of these have no reason to exist besides spite and hate!"