Tony.
First of all, I'm sorry for writing another letter. I know I should try to meet you in person. Or at least call that damn flip phone I left you.
But unfortunately, this time I don't have a choice.
I can't call you because the phone is gone, and I can't meet you in person because you're gone too.
Except I don't believe that. I don't believe you're really gone.
I know that you're not on Earth from the news. And Bruce.
You jumped on Thanos' spaceship, trying to save the world, like you always do. And now you're missing.
And you know what? I feel like this is all my fault.
It is, isn't it? I'm sure that if it wasn't for our stupid, pointless fights you would still be here. And we would've won.
But you're not here and we lost.
And there's so many things I still haven't said to you. That's why I'm writing this, even though I'm sure you won't ever see it. Not because you won't come back. You will, I know it. Unless it took you too. Thanos' snap.
I'm leaving this on your desk in the compound. And you won't see it because you will probably throw it out right away. Or someone else will, even by accident.
But for some reason, writing this makes me feel better. Maybe it's because I'll finally get to tell you how I really feel.
Even though you won't ever see this. Right.
So first of all, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. For everything. For not telling you the truth, for what I did to you in Siberia. I never wanted to hurt you. But he was my best friend. Now he's gone too. Most of them are. You probably lost people too.
But this was supposed to be about me finally telling you the truth, right?
So I'm sorry. Again.
What for? I don't even know.
Maybe for shoving my shield into your arc reactor. You heart, for God's sake.
By the way, I always loved it, you know. Your reactor. You hated it, I know. But I didn't. I loved the way it glowed, I loved the way it was just there, for people to see it. Your heart.
Also, did you know the wider you smiled, the more it glowed?
I noticed it one day at the compound, when you were telling some stupid jokes, and I tried so hard not to laugh because we were literally having a meeting with Mr. Secretary. And me trying to keep a straight face made you smile, and that's when I noticed your heart glowing brighter.
The reactor was the second thing I noticed about you when we met.
You wanna know what was the first?
Your eyes. Your big, beautiful brown eyes.
I was always fond of this colour.
My first love Peggy had brown eyes.
My last love also had brown eyes.
I think I might have a type. Dark hair, brown eyes, stubborn. Ring any bells?
Anyway, it's no secret we didn't really like each other at first, right?
I mean you didn't like me. I wasn't very crazy about you either, but I always did find you interesting.
Then it was okay. We were okay.
We were okay for so long, and I was home.
But then it all fell apart.
Did you know that everyday, for this last, two long years I was waiting for my stupid's flip phone ringing?
It did a few weeks ago, except it wasn't you on the other side.
Don't get me wrong, I was more than happy to hear Bruce, but for so long I was expecting to hear your voice on the other side. In every scenario I ever dreamed or imagined, you were always the one calling.
I remember when I found that old, blue hoodie that you sometimes borrowed from me. I always pretended that made me mad but in reality I wanted you to have it because when you'll give it back it's going to smell like you. And for some reason, to me, you smelled like home. I know that doesn't make any sense and I probably sound a little creepy right now, but it's true. You smelled like home. And then I wanted to call and tell you that. But I didn't.
Maybe because I was scared to call you first. And look where that got us.
Can I tell you something now, completely unrelated?
I'm almost positive you were what made me sure I like both women and men. I mean, I had suspicions before. Before I mean back in the 40's.
When I was walking down the streets and I saw couples walking round' together, I always paid attention to both, not only pretty girls, but also pretty boys. I knew it was wrong, at least I thought it was wrong back then. But I couldn't help it.
I did also stare at Bucky, sometimes longer than it was necessary. But I still wasn't sure then. Maybe because I didn't want to be because I knew it wasn't appropriate.
Then I met you, and I was sure.
You wanna know how?
I believe my literal thoughts were:
"Damn, he's a jerk. But a hot one."
And of course your eyes being the first thing I noticed, also made me sure.
Plus, you weren't really holding back with your sexuality. I remember how mad you got at that one journalist who said you were straight. You said:
"Excuse me, miss, but I am bisexual."
You don't even know how much that impressed me.
Remember that one night at Clint's farm? When we had to sleep in one bed, and we started talking, and then our hands touched. I remember that silence, when the only thing I heard was your breathing. I remember you pulling closer. Leaning towards me. Our hands still touching. Me breathing louder.
And then you said you're going to sleep.
You're a real tease, you know that?
God, I missed you so much during those two years. I still do.
But it's not like you'll ever know.
Even if you did know, you wouldn't do anything about it. You're happy with Pepper. Why wouldn't you be?
She's amazing. She's everything I'm not. She never hurt you.
And you were with her almost all the time I knew you, which made everything a lot more complicated. I met someone too. Sharon. And I liked her, I really did. She was fantastic. You would like her. But all the time I was with her, something in the back of my head was telling me:
This isn't it.
This isn't it because you're in love with someone else, even though you might not know it yet yourself.
You know who always suspected something? Nat.
Seriously, this woman knows everything.
She was actually the one who told me to write this letter, even though she knew you won't see it. She said it'll make me feel better.
And you know what? I think it does.
Remember when you told me you're thinking about building Pepper a farm and I told you that family and stability is not for me?
It is for me. But with the right partner.
But my first right partner is gone. So is my second one.
Man, life is hard.
God, I hope you're alive. Please be alive. Please come back and live your happy, farm, retired life with Pepper. I'll survive. I lost my soulmate once, can lose a second one, right?
Because I believe I have two soulmates.
Both had dark hair and brown eyes.
I think by now you should know who I'm talking about.
Did I ever tell you how much I love your smile?
Well, of course not. I was an asshole pushing you away instead of telling you how I really feel.
I don't have a reactor to prove that, but I feel like whenever you smiled my heart also glowed.
When you smiled after telling some stupid joke. After talking about schawarmas. After creating some new technology thingy I will never understand. After seeing Clint trip over nothing and falling on his face. After listening to your favorite AC/DC song. After Rhodey or Pepper called you. After Peter took my shield and you were so proud of him, that for a moment I forgot I'm supposed to be mad at you. And couple of times even, after I smiled at you and you smiled back. That's when my heart glowed.
Remember that donut's place you love? Where you sit in a giant donut that's on the roof?
Guess what, that's where I am right now.
It's closed now, because of what happened.
But here I am, sitting in a giant donut, writing this and occasionaly looking at the sky, hoping you're there somewhere.
You are. I know it.
I don't know if we'll ever meet again, so for the last time:
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Yours, always, Steve.