Bucky watched as Pepper pulled the kid away from Tony. He might've not loved the guy but he certainly didn't deserve death, whether it was the only way or not. He felt the energy that collected among the avengers, the honorary avengers, everyone else who was here fighting with them. Hell, even the raccoon was sad, and Bucky wasn't even sure where that guy came from, what he was.
They stayed for a while, heads bowed for Tony, and Bucky felt bad that his thoughts wandered. He had his eyes glued to the ground, blending in with everyone else around him, but all he was thinking about was Natasha. She must've been on the other side of the battle the whole time, he didn't see her. It took all his willpower to not start running around the battlefield and what was the Avengers compound to find her. It had been minutes for him, but for her it had been five years. Five whole years alone. He pushed the thought to the back of his head, not wanting to think about how she coped all those years. Steve had been there though, Clint too. They had to have helped her out. Maybe even the raccoon.
The group collectively began to shuffle around, as some of Tony's suits arrived, probably called by Pepper to come get him. He looked up for the first time in a while, and caught sight of Sam and Wanda, not too far away from him. He slowly made his way over to them, as the large group began to go wherever. There was a lot of confusion in the crowd, since there was no compound anymore. No one knew where to go. If they were separating or sticking around. A small amount of chatter began to come back to the group, ending the string of silence.
He reached Sam and Wanda, Wanda leaning on Sam's shoulder with evidence of a single tear that had run down the side of her face. Sam noticed him, giving him a small nod.
"'Sup." Wanda said on a strained voice. It was ironic, they all knew 'what was up', and there was a collective state of denial, for the loss of Tony and even the loss of five years of their lives.
"The years haven't treated you well," he joked, trying to be his lighthearted self, even in times of total destruction. Wanda lifted her head from Sam's shoulder, and motioned for Bucky to come hug her. He obliged, burrowing his face in her red hair. It was a strange sense. They hadn't been apart for long, yet they knew it had been years. Wanda's red hair only reminded him who he was looking for, and he lifted his head to try and scan the crowd again. He still couldn't see very far into the groups of people, there were just so many of them.
"You guys seen Nat yet?" he asked, removing his arms from around Wanda. Most of their current day relationship had been confined to late nights in Wakanda, due to the whole thing about them both being fugitives and him being considered only semi-stable, he wasn't sure how much of it Wanda and Sam were aware of.
"No," Sam responded. "Didn't see her during the fight either."
"Same," Wanda said, pushing her hair out of her face.
A dreaded feeling came over Bucky but he ignored it. They had been busy doing their avenging, looking for Natasha hadn't been a priority for them. Plus, who knew what she looked like now, she changed up her look pretty often. "Well, I mean, she is a spy. Pretty good at not being noticed by anyone." His eyes found Steve a few groups of people away from them, standing next to Clint, who had clearly had some type of crisis over the past five years, evident by the hairstyle. "I'm gonna go ask Steve." Wanda nodded at him in response.
By now, a few people had really started getting up and going, checking on everyone around them. On his way, he passed a few people he had never even seen before, a blue girl with a half metal face and a girl with glowing antenna just to name a couple.
Steve noticed him when he was just a few feet away. He also had evidence of dried tears on his face. "Buck," he said on a similar strained voice to Wanda's just a couple minutes ago. Within seconds he was wrapped in one of Steve's bear hugs. It felt familiar, if he closed his eyes he could almost place them back a few years in his head.
He opened his eyes, but when he locked eyes with Clint wished he had kept them closed. Clint's eyes burned with so many emotions that it was hard to focus on just one. He was staring at Bucky with a look of helplessness on his face. Bucky let Steve go, who was still wiping a few tears from his eyes. He had to keep reminding himself that it had been five years, five whole years since they had seen each other, and Steve wasn't just being strangely emotional.
"Have you seen Nat?" he asked. Steve shifted his eyes to look past Bucky instead of straight at him, and Bucky turned his head, expecting to see Natasha standing right over his shoulder or something. That would be expected of his spy girlfriend, sneaking up on him, intentionally or unintentionally. Instead, behind him was the exact same as he had left it, as far back as Sam and Wanda, who still hadn't moved. He turned back to Steve, who hadn't changed his position whatsoever. "Steve?" he asked, unsure what his friend was doing. "Earth to Rogers?"
He jumped at a small crashing sound, his battle reflexes still in action. Clint had dropped his bow on the ground, for some unknown reason, and was staring back at the spot where Tony had been. "Clint?" Bucky asked. "Come on guys, where is she? Don't tell me she abandoned the team or something."
Clint whispered something but he couldn't make it out.
"Buck," Steve started, but he didn't finish. He just pursed his lips, staring back at Bucky through watery eyes.
Realization dawned on Bucky and his heart began to sink in his chest. "No," he said to Steve, as he watched the tears leave his best friend's eyes. "No, tell me something else." He felt himself begin to choke on his own words. "Rogers, I swear to God," he almost growled, "you better tell me something else right now." He was aware that he was speaking louder than everyone else in the crowd, and he felt the eyes of those who had turned to look at him, but he would worry about them later.
"It should have been me," Clint said, in a hushed voice. "Fuck, it should have been me."
He stayed stagnant, not allowing his eyes to well up because he couldn't believe what he was hearing. His gaze fell, meeting Clint's bow on the ground. He felt Steve's arms wrap around him for the second time, and he leaned in, his body collapsing against his will. He choked on a suffocating sob, his head resting sideways on Steve's shoulder. "She's gone?" he questioned, though he wasn't really asking anyone. He was trying to get himself to believe it. He couldn't even believe the kid had said to Tony that they had won. Maybe they had won, but he lost everything.