I want to be happy
1 year after the snap
Kat woke up in her bed, which was not where she fell asleep, Steve must have moved her last night, again. She really needed to stop falling asleep on the couch watching tv with him. She rolled over and looked at her phone, it was just past 1 in the morning. She sighed, laying on her back, staring up at the ceiling. The days seemed like they were getting longer, more so when Steve was away, trying to help repair the world they failed to save. He had been gone a week this time, getting home late and just laid on the couch with her. Things had come to a standstill since he came home from Dallas. They fell back into their routine of being there for each other, but neither one of them could push any further.
Every time he came home, he looked more and more exhausted. She knew it was starting to take a toll on him, the amount of repair that still needed to be done in the world they failed. He felt like he failed everyone.
Most days Kat was fine, healing, being happy. Today was not one of those days. Her mind drifted to Wanda, who had been so kind with her. T’Challa, who had let them stay at his home. She then thought about Bucky, that was hitting Steve the hardest lately. He felt guilty for not saving him before he went under, and now. They had a conversation before he left last week, about how he was still struggling to move on without his best friend. It bought tears to Kat’s eye the heartbroken look Steve had given her. He cried in her lap until he fell asleep that night. She groaned and got up, entering the kitchen to get a bottle of water.
She sat down on the couch, and turned on the tv, whatever movie they had been watching before she fell asleep, A league of Their Own, she thought the name was, started to play. She had never seen it, which surprised Steve, because there hadn’t been many movies he’d seen that other people hadn’t.
Her mind drifted to Loki. She still missed him. Every day. Two days ago, she took the picture frame of her and Loki and put in her closet, in a small box where she kept some of his things. It was time. She needed to stop looking at it every day. Tears ran down her face for probably the second time that day. She was so tired of crying. She was tired of it all really. Things had just been hard for her lately. Maybe it was the anniversary of the snap, she didn’t know.
Shuffling behind the couch made her jump, whipping her head around to see Steve, in sweatpants and a tight fitting t-shirt, hair disheveled. It really should be illegal to look like that. “Jesus Steve you scared me!” Kat yelped, putting her hand over her chest, breathing heavily. He had a sheepish look on his face. “Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I couldn’t sleep, you?” He asked her. She nodded, turning her face back to the tv, patting the spot next to her. He smiled and walked over, and when he got closer to her, he could see the redness in her eyes. She had been crying. His brows furrowed in concern and he sat next to her, putting a hand on her knee. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
She looked at him and the concern in his eyes melted her. She hadn’t planned on him seeing her this way. She usually only tried to have a mental breakdown when he wasn’t home, because she felt pathetic. She shook her head, smiling at him. “I’m okay Steve.” She lied, turning her head back to the tv. He put his hand under her chin and turned her head to look at him. “You’re not okay, you’re a terrible liar Kat. Tell me what’s wrong. Please.”
She sighed. “When am I supposed to feel normal?” She asked him. He cocked his head to the side, confused. “I mean, the world that we live in now, all of the people that are just gone, I just wonder how long it will take to feel some kind of normalcy. I know it’s been a year. I feel really good about the work I’ve done with the foundation, but it never seems like it’s enough. We are a very small group of people, trying to repair a whole country. I’m one person, Rhodey is one person. You are one person.” She said, looking up at him. “I see you pushing yourself so hard Steve, and I know you blame yourself for a lot of it. None of this is your fault.”
Steve thought for a minute before he answered her. Everyone always looked up to him to be their leader, to be strong. He wasn’t good at sharing emotions with anyone except Kat. He put on this brave face, but behind that Captain America façade, he was just a broken man now. “I don’t know Kat. I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to any kind of normal. This is just what the world is now. I feel like I failed everyone.” He said softly. She leaned in and put her hand on his face, wiping a single tear that escaped.
“We wouldn’t have gotten this far without you Steve.”
She sighed, pulling her hand back, tucking her knees to her chest. “I’m so tired of feeling lonely Steve. I just want to feel happy again, truly happy.” She said softly. While she wasn’t technically alone, she did have Steve, and she saw Nat weekly, she’d never felt more alone in her life. Her eyes watered and she looked down, not wanting Steve to see her cry. Steve felt lonely too. He heard all these stories from people who had lost their family and significant others, and it made Steve’s heart hurt. He had thought maybe he had wasted too much time putting all his efforts into the Avengers and missed his window on love. He wanted to be with Kat more than anything, but he never wanted to push her, and he never wanted her to think he was trying to replace Loki.
He took her hands in his, and she looked up at him. “What can I do to help? Just tell me what to do Kat.” She looked into those blue eyes so full of caring and concern. Fuck it. She was going to take something for herself for once. She stood, holding out her hand for Steve. “I don’t want to be lonely anymore Steve. I want to be happy. I want to feel something.” He took her hand, not really understanding what she was saying. She led him to her room and opened the door, turning and softly pulling him in with her. She waved her hand and candles lit up all around her room. She led him over to her bed and sat on it, him standing in front of her. Steve realized what she had meant and swallowed thickly. He’d never been good at anything with girls, he’d only ever had sex twice, both times were after he came out of the ice. One night stands, that he felt immediately guilty after. They never wanted Steve, they just wanted Captain America. He sat down on the bed, and she turned to face him. She knew she was going to have to make the first move here, Steve was just too shy and too much a gentleman. “Kat, what- “
“Shh. It’s okay.” She whispered.
She ran her hand up his arm, resting it on the back of his neck, pulling him to her. He slowly leaned down and kissed her softly, his hands coming up to either side of her face. She ran her tongue over his bottom lip, thrusting it in his mouth when she felt his lips part. Kat started scooting back on the bed, pulling Steve with her, laying down on her back. He held himself up and pulled away for a second, looking down at her. “Is this okay?” She asked, looking up at him, lips parted and slightly swollen. He thought she looked beautiful. Even in these way too short shorts and oversized shirt he was sure she had stolen out of his dresser, she was beautiful. He nodded, running a finger down her cheek. “Are you sure this is what you want?” He whispered. Her eyes closed at his touch. You never really realize how much you crave human touch until you go without it. She opened her eyes and Steve saw something change in them, lust or hunger, he wasn’t sure. She fisted her hand in his shirt. “Yes. Absolutely.” She said before pulling his mouth down on hers.
He seemed still at first, unsure of what to do with his hands, so she laced her fingers in his, and guided them to her thigh. She let go of his hand and ran it up the back of his neck, smiling at the shiver she felt under it. He slowly ran his hand up her leg, resting just under her shirt, at her side. His thumb started to rub circles and she shuddered at how good it felt. Kat needed to feel more of him and she needed it now.
This was happening. Steve had wanted her for so long, but he was afraid of pushing her away. He never wanted her to feel uncomfortable around him if he had made a move and got rejected, so he tried to keep his distance, just be her friend.
She started tugging at his shirt, watching as Steve sat back and pulled it over his head. In all the time she’d known Steve, she’d never seen him fully without his shirt. She guessed it was probably because he was so modest. She just stared at him for a moment, running her hand up his well chiseled chest. He watched her eyes, mesmerized by his body, running her hand all the way up to his neck. She caught him looking at her and blushed, looking away. “Sorry, your just…wow” Was all Kat could say. Now it was Steve’s turn to blush. She sat up and started to pull her shirt off, Steve reached out to help, getting is over her head, holding in it his hand before tossing it behind him. “Is that mine?” He asked her, she bit her lip and nodded. “I took it when you were gone a while back, I got really lonely and wanted to be near you.” She whispered. Steve smiled and dragged his hand over her stomach up to her breast, cupping it, and a breath hitched in his throat when Kat closed her eyes and arched her back, letting a small moan escape her lips.
She reached down and pulled her shorts and panties off, and all Steve could do was stare. He thought she was perfect. She opened her legs, showing him where she wanted him to touch her the most. Steve looked down and then back up at her, not really knowing how to tell her he’d never done this before. “Kat, I’ve never…you know.” He said, gesturing down. Her mouth formed an ‘o’ shape and she leaned up towards him. “It’s okay, you don’t have to-“ She started but Steve stopped her. “No, I want to! I just…don’t know how. Tell me?” Kat felt a pool of warmth between her legs and for a minute she couldn’t speak. Captain America was asking her to teach him how to go down on her. She regained focus and smiled at him. “It’s easy. Just kiss me, like you normally would, but down there. “She watched at Steve’s eyes trailed down her body, resting on her mound. “It’s just another pair of lips Steve.”
Steve nodded and slid down the bed, propping himself up on his elbows, leaning down and placing a soft kiss on her. She hummed and fell back on the bed, gasping when his tongue slipped in between her folds. She ran her hands through his hair, softly moaning every time his tongue ran over the little bundle of nerves. She wasn’t going to last much longer. “Oh Steve.” She breathed out. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest. Her eyes rolled back into her head when she felt him insert two fingers.
Steve glanced up at her while he worked his fingers around. He had never seen a woman come this undone before. She was arching her back and moaning his name and he swore he’d never been this hard in his life. “Oh God Steve don’t stop!” Kat cried out. She pulled his face back down to her clit and rolled her hips. Steve moaned into her and with a few seconds, she was clamping down on his fingers, legs quivering from her orgasm.
He climbed back up to lean over her, smiling at how flushed she was, panting, eyes slowly opening to look at him. He had done that. He felt very proud. “Was that okay?” He asked her. She let out a soft laugh. “Yes. That was better than okay, that was...amazing.” She leaned up to kiss him, tasting herself on his lips. She moaned, put her hands on his chest and turned him until he was on his back. She tugged at the string on his pants, and pulled them down and off, throwing them on the floor, freeing him. She looked down at him and her jaw dropped. “Oh wow.” Was all she could say. Steve propped himself up on his elbows and looked at her. “I’m sorry, is it too-“ He tried to say, but she held her hand up.
“Honey don’t ever apologize for this.” She said huskily as she bent down and swirled her tongue around his tip. She took him in her mouth, loving the way his velvet skin felt against her tongue. Steve was in awe. He couldn’t stop watching her. “Katherine.” He moaned out. She looked up at him, mouth never leaving his cock and hummed. Steve opened his mouth and threw his head back. He looked back at her and she was smiling, head bobbing up and down.
“Sweetheart, come here.” Steve softly commanded. She knew that tone. She’d heard it many times. That was his Captain America tone. She almost came right then. He sat up and she went to straddle him. “You are so beautiful.” He whispered over her lips. He lined himself up with her center and looked at her, she was biting her lip. He could really look at that all day. “Are you ready?” He asked her. She nodded and lowered herself onto him, placing her hands on his shoulders. He was bigger than she expected him to be, and she closed her eyes and took a breath in, stilling for a second, feeling him stretch her. She opened her eyes when she felt his hand push a strand of hair out of her face. “Are you okay?” He asked. She nodded. “Just need a second. “
She started rocking her hips back and forth, letting her head roll back, hands tangled in Steve’s hair. “Hey. Look at me.” She heard his voice say barely above a whisper. She pulled her head back to him and the way he was looking at her made her want to drown in his eyes. He kissed her, like it was the last thing he would ever do. He rolled her on her back, hooking her leg around his hip, pushing in to her deeper. She moaned into his mouth and drug her nails down his back, arching up into him when he began rolling his hips, his thrusts becoming faster. His hands found hers and pinned them to the bed, his mouth placing sloppy kisses down her neck.
“Oh God Steve, don’t stop.” She moaned, feeling the tightening in her belly. She was close. Steve’s thrusting became erratic, and she could tell he was close too. She opened her eyes and found his, burning a hole in her. “Steve, I’m gonna come!” She almost yelled, and second later, she clenched around him, screaming in pleasure, biting down on Steve’s arm to quiet herself. A few more thrusts and Steve was coming, moaning her name into her shoulder. He stayed still for a second, and she broke her hands free from his, running them up and down his back, placing kisses on his neck.
He slowly pulled out of her, and she whimpered at the loss of contact. Steve rolled over to his side facing her, Kat turning to do the same. His hand found her cheek and he ran a thumb over her lip, smiling. “That was…”
“Amazing?” She answered. He chuckled softly. “Yeah.” He leaned in and kissed her softly, pulling back, with a concerned look on his face.
“What’s wrong?” Kat asked him. What could have possibly gone wrong?
“Did you want me to leave?”
Kat blinked and shook her head.” What do you mean?”
“Well, I didn’t know if this was okay, after, cause we’re not, you know, together or anything.” He said softly. He wasn’t really sure how this worked. It wasn’t like this was a one night stand with a stranger. She smiled and kissed him again.
“I want you to stay.” She whispered. “Do you really think I’d let you leave after that?” She said smiling. She turned so her back was facing him and felt his arm snake around her middle. She pulled a sheet over them, waving all the candles out. She felt him bury his head into her shoulder, smiling against it. This was the first time she had felt happy, and not alone, in a very long time.