Bucky was starving. He was starving and cold and tired.
The hunger was the worst though. It had been there the longest, ironically eating him away. He knew he was getting to his breaking point. He either had to say something to someone and become a lab rat or he was going to die because he couldn’t fight anymore, couldn’t concentrate anymore, could barely get breath into his lungs anymore.
Option one wasn’t really an option. No one should have this serum. The U.S. and the ally forces wanted an army of super soldiers; HYDRA and Nazi Germany wanted an army of super soldiers. There was no difference between them. This serum, as well as Steve’s version of it, should die with them.
But Steve’s already given his blood to the S.S.R., so the future looked bleak already. Still Bucky could keep his blood out of everyone’s hands. He promised Firebird he would keep it safe if he survived, when he sent his messenger. Really it was for the best, as morbid as it sounds. Firebird did say he could still die.
Hell, he might get lucky and they can put a stop to HYDRA, put a bullet between Zola’s and Red Shull’s eyes and end the war before it comes to dying. He could move to a remote farm or something, get a few goats maybe. Somehow, he doubted it.
The fact of the matter was, he was getting weaker. Had been since they stopped giving him extra meals to fight the malnourishment after Steve rescued him over a year ago.
When he first got out of that HYDRA base, he didn’t notice it, not right away. He was starved, tortured and experimented on during his time with HYDRA – half of which he doesn’t even remember, due to the haze of it all, thank god – so he summed it up to post-capture pains. It was only after they got back that he realised something was wrong with him. He downed an entire bottle of vodka to help forget the pain. He figured it out when he didn’t die of blood poisoning. And the point was hammered home when he broke a reinforced door off its hinges – luckily Coronel Phillips believed him when he told him it had been Steve by accident – though the strength started to faded after months of eating regular sized meals.
Steve did tell him how he ‘got bigger’. Steve always shared everything with Bucky after all. Steve talked about how amazing it was and how it was an honour. Talked about the enhancements like they didn’t have any downsides. Didn’t acknowledge the downsides because to him it was better than pre-serum.
(He bloody told Steve not to do anything stupid while he was away.)
A person shouldn’t have to eat so much to function properly. Shouldn’t need that many calories to think straight. To keep their body from using its muscle to survive.
A person shouldn’t have to feel their head splitting open because they can: hear everyone’s conversations, footsteps and heartbeats; taste the alcohol fumes in the air; smell every single person scent while they’re just sitting at the bar waiting for their drink. Non-alcoholic water of course, no reason to drink alcohol if it can’t get you drunk. Just a waste of money.
He gets up from his spot at the bar to join the pre-mission drinks with the Howlies and co. and sits next to Howard Stark. Who happened to be way past tipsy. “Sergeant Barnes! Great that you can join us, I’ll go get you a drink.”, Howard slurred and made to stand.
Bucky wished he never met the man behind the showmanship and the flying concept car, an idea he had informed Bucky when asked, he had already scrapped. He really was nothing but an arrogant drunkard. How everyone liked him, Bucky genuinely didn’t know. He was smart, but he talked down to others because he thought he was the smartest man in the room. And he was funny, but he used degrading humour about the German soldiers – not HYDRA or Nazi soldiers but German soldiers – most that were drafted into the army just like him and probably didn’t like at least half the shit their government spewed. Bucky sure didn’t when it came to the United States. Plus it creeped him out how obsessed he was with Steve. Still his Ma raised him to treat others with at least a bit of respect if they helped you out in any way, even if he didn't like them, and Howard's weapons had saved his life on multiple occasions. “You’re alright, I’ve already got one, thanks.”
“Bucky, let him buy you a drink. You’ve been tense lately.” Steve states from his spot by Peggy Carter.
Bucky just smiled thinly at his pseudo-brother hoping his distaste reached Steve so he didn't have to have another argument later behind closed doors. It didn’t. “I’d rather not. Better I keep my wits about me. Someone’s got to make sure this lot are ready to be shipped out tomorrow after the briefing.” Because it would be Bucky that made sure that the other Howlies had all their gear, not Steve. It was Bucky that made sure everyone had their rations and made sure they knew their direct orders from Colonel Phillips. Because it was Bucky that was the highest ranking amongst the Howlies. Because he was a technically a Master Sergeant, even if he never wanted anyone to call him that, that earned his rank, with added specialised sniper training, because they saw he was a damn good shot - even before the serum.
That’s what got Bucky. He wasn’t jealous that Steve was the leader, he was scared because Steve wasn’t but the other Howlies didn’t see it like that. Captain America saved them, so they owed him and followed because he had an officer’s title so therefore he must have officers training.
Steve didn’t. He couldn’t be a Captain without it, especially if he only finish 2 weeks of basic training. He told Steve as such and he laughed it off telling Bucky he earned the title due to a mixture of his actions and the serum as it made him smarter among other things.
Bull.
If it made him smarter, why couldn’t he see he was being played? How could he not see he started off as little more than a civilian with super strength that learned tricks on the fly? That Peggy Carter and Howard Stark most likely manipulated him into saving the 107th from HYDRA in the first place? Probably even manipulated it so they got captured because of Bucky’s link to Steve? So that they could show off their one-man army of a lab rat to Colonel Phillips? That he was the puppet leader of the Howlies with no leadership training? That his suggestions for the team only got the ok in the first place because Phillips saw no use risking his best men against HYDRA? Not when he could use cannon fodder to see HYDRA’s tactics and then send his best in.
(Bucky took pride in making sure they all got back safe, shoving the fact that they were the best in the Colonel’s face.)
But Steve didn’t see that. He just saw the beautiful Peggy Carter that just happened to drop vital information about his bestest buddy’s regiment that got captured by HYDRA a few weeks prior. The HYRDA base, that the prisoners were supposedly taken to? So conveniently in the area. Saw Howard’s amazing shield, weapons and his ‘helpful’ nature. Saw the Colonel’s ‘trust’ in his abilities.
Steve’s always been a stubborn fool of a punk. That was why Bucky joined Steve in the Howling Commandos. To keep him from making idiotic and bold moves while playing into the hands of others. That and to make sure what happened to him never happened to anyone else.
But with women, Bucky’s at a loss. Steve had never been too good with women and Carter had him hook, line and sinker before Bucky could stop it.
Howard put a glass of whiskey in front of him when he came back from the bar despite Bucky refusal to the drink. Bucky saw that Carter had finished her glass, making a move to stand to go to the bar herself. He decided to take the opportunity to get some information. “Agent Carter, as you seem to be in need of a drink, how about a trade?”, Bucky smoothly drawled the question, holding out the glass for Carter to take, a charming smirk gracing his face.
Carter smirked right back as she sat down. “What is it you want in return, Barnes?” Her tone held a deadly lilt. Steve gave him a disappointed look, telling Bucky exactly where Steve’s brain went. The look managed to get a laugh out of Bucky.
“Nothing like that. Just wanted some info about the mission. I like being prepared is all. Any info you can give me will help, for example, what weather should we be expecting?” Bucky was hoping for a destination on the slightly warmer side for early January. He was already wearing his thickest clothes (it hid his thinning frame and kept him warm).
“Dress for the cold, though it looks like you already are. Are you getting sick? Maybe you should have medical look you over.”, Carter says with a smile. 'Bitch.' “Don’t want to lose such a valuable asset.” There. Zola called him that too. Asset. Not soldier or teammate but an asset, an object. A thing. Something to be used then thrown away once it loses its usefulness. That told him everything he needed to know about the beautiful Peggy Carter. She was not as nice as she appeared to be.
She dug for information. It was subtle, but of course it was. She was a trained spy. A Rat. They had them in Brooklyn, those that use niceties and concern to get information, then tell the cops what you were doing to earn a bit of extra cash. You had to be careful who you trusted. Bucky had his Ma, Becca, even Steve’s Ma (when she was alive) and Steve to take care of, so he learnt the tells of the Rats. And he knew not to trust them. Steve never did the bad things to earn a little extra, both because he couldn’t and he hated those that did. He didn’t know the tells to stay safe and he definitely didn’t know Bucky knew them or that he knew them as well as he did. And Bucky knew that Peggy Carter was a RAT.
Or maybe he was crazy.
Zola did zap his brain a few times while he was there. Maybe that had something to do with it. All Bucky knew was that, apart from her looks, he really didn’t like Peggy Carter. To the point that he didn’t want to tell her any relevant information. There was just something in her scent that was off. “Just my favourite jacket, nice colour. If I was sick I’d tell Medical. I wouldn’t endanger the team needlessly.” And that was end of their conversation and the Howlies drink and laugh until the bar closes.
Howard split off with paid company, not that anyone apart from Bucky and Carter noticed.
Steve helps Carter back, not that she’s drunk, just a little tipsy. Bucky knows that when she shows her true colours it will hurt Steve, but he can’t see another way out of it for him. He can only hope he gets out relatively okay.
Bucky gets the stumbling Howlies back to the barracks. He even tucks Dum Dum in.
The Austrian Alps.
Capture Zola.
Make sure the asset survives.
Bucky felt fury and spite rise in his gut. Not only were they going to one of the coldest places for the beginning of January, but they were going to keep Zola alive. They weren’t going to kill him.
Sure, they never explicitly stated Zola was going to get a free pass from jail, but he knew from the wording. Despite what Zola did to him and others in that factory, he was going to walk free due to his usefulness. He was too valuable of an asset to lose.
It had nothing to do with finding the HYDRA bases, finding Red Skull. The trend was that where Zola was, Red Skull was in the general area. If they followed the tracks they’d find their base. It was about procuring an asset and Zola knew his worth.
It was going to bite them in the ass, that’s for sure. It was definitely going to bite him in the ass. He and the others were in danger if Zola lived with the S.S.R. protecting him. They could experiment on them. Trick them like they did Steve. Bucky needed to disappear but only after killing the HYDRA scientist.
As he struggled to hike up to the top of an icy ravine - where they were going to zip-line onto a fast-moving train, because that was safe Phillips, great idea you had there - he thought about how to get out of this alive.
The train ran by a cliff edge; Zola was likely at the front of the train as it was more secure from the intel; S.S.R. was up in the tracks waiting for the train's arrival at the pick-up point once they hijacked the train. It was set up to be a trap with no escape unless you go into the ravine to certain death. Bucky knew Zola was smarter than most, crueller too. He wouldn’t get caught in this unless he wanted too and if Bucky knew it, the S.S.R. knew it too.
Zola wants to be caught.
Someone else may have been tricked to think he never wanted to work for Red Skull. Not Bucky. He was playing a bigger game and lost interested in Red Skull’s. He never put all his eggs in one basket.
Bucky didn’t want to die but it seemed like the only way out. He could maybe fake his death, somehow, blow a hole in the side of the train and hide under it until after the pick-up then make a break for it? He knew it was wishful thinking. He blamed Steve.
Even if he did manage to make an escape, after he kills Zola, they’ll suspect and hunt him, claiming he’s HYDRA or something. That’s not even taking into consideration what the cold is doing to him in his current condition. He’ll die. He’ll die and he’ll not even get a decent last meal. When they get ready to zip-line in, he’s managed to get his expectations down again.
This was it for him.
Then it goes wrong.
He’s falling into the ravine, but it’s too early. Zola is still alive, he hadn’t done it. He’d failed.
His only regret was that he kept so many secrets from Steve. Maybe some of them could have helped him.
His last thought before he hits the ground isn’t about the pain in his left side or Steve, that he hopes will be okay without him. It’s about Firebird, that played HYDRA for fouls and saved him because he thought he was worthy of it when he wasn't.
He hoped they saved Steve for him too.
Then he was being lifted and he felt his dog tags slip from around his neck. He was being taken somewhere but he couldn’t stay conscious long enough to find out where.
When he woke up again, he wished that no one had found him.
He wished he died back in the ravine.