Chapter 19
Loki ended up meeting dwarves just before their farewells. It was not as bad as he had thought, they still appeared smug, they resembled greatly to the two that were responsible for his first major humiliation.He shuddered at the memory of Thor , holding him down as Eltri piereced needle in his lips, the agony as leather thread was pulled through the flesh.He remembered malicious glint in Brokk's beady eyes as he kept his head steady with vice grip in raven hair. He remembered ,how he wanted to scream but could not. The agonised keening and whimpers that sounded strange to his own ears .He remembered the pain, the shame the hurt and yet he remembered Thors eyes swimming in sympathy as he held a supporting hand to his back after the ordeal.He remembered how Thor tried to dab the blood from chin after he stood on weak legs, how he followed close to be there if his shell shocked brother was unable to walk and fell over.... Looking at Thor's face he realised the king was also reliving same memories. He nodded encouraging Thor to deal with necessities and left , a guard on his toes.
Thor was worried for his brother.He looked distressed yet attended official farewells for dwarves. It must be difficult for him ..he never talked about the events that lead to the dwarves sewing his mouth shut .. they had caused great harm to his little brother. Thor himself had harmed him And yet Loki was here in fine clothes acting as a royal concubine looking gorgeous. He was worried that this would cause grief to his brother but as always Loki had stood strong and surprised him.But Thor was not the arrogant fool he once was. He knows how Loki guards his true emotions.He wished for these trials to be over and he could enjoy some peace with Loki....Norns!he was so tired!
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Thor wisely decided to talk to Loki before Jotuneim visited. Loki had been very calm when he had been told about king Helblindi's letter to request a visit. Loki's heritage was a public knowledge now, but Helblindi could not find out that they were blood brothers.Also after Loki's fall in void, Allfather had informed jotunheim that the bifrost turning their way was an accident.And Jotunheim was in no position to ask retribution for their loss. So there was no way for them to know that Loki was the culprit. Still the upcoming visit of Jotun deligation had made the king nervous. It was a rare occasion for a king of other realm to visit asgard, more so for the Jotun king.. being sworn enimies.
Thankfully, Loki took the news well. He listened and asked questions and thought about it all.Thor was relieved.Loki even asked if the king wants him to meet Jotuns. That was confusing.
" What do you think? Don't you want to see the negotiations?"
Loki waved his hand dissmissively.." I don't care. They don't mean anything to me and the council would not like me there.I would be blamed for something or other. You talking with Jotun king is already too much for them. I don't think I can take another fall if something goes wrong."
" You are my advisor. This is important and I think I will need you by my side.", Thor pushed.
" Fine. " Loki sighed and went into Thor's waiting arms.
"Whatever happens, love. I would not allow anyone to hurt you.Nobody is allowed to blame you for things you do not do.You trust me, don't you ?" ,Thor asked holding him close.
" Hmmm but I know not why you trust me so? They are not wrong to feel suspicious.. I.. I have decieved enough for it."
" You were forced to invade midg.." ,Loki move back away interrupted , sharply
" I was not. I chose that.I talked Thano...him into invading your precious mortals, knowing you will interfere.I caught everyone's attention and ensured your green raging beast would be there, so that you will locate tessaract.I let him thrash me so that residual effects on my mind will be gone..I double crossed him.Get it in your thick skull!
" And what were your other options had younot chosen to do so?" Thor was angry now. Loki took a step back, taking in his expression.
" You are so adamant to make me appear innocent, but I am not.Nothing is as good as you persive in me"
" It's not as bad as you think either.You are not a monster Loki, stop being stubborn"
They stared at each other, angry gazes warring.. suddenly Loki smiled.. that sharklike smile of his.
" And what about my crimes earlier, what about Jotunheim, I turned bifrost on them? I ruined your coronation, I goaded you to go to jotunheim, I tried to kill you Thor, I sent the destroyer... I cheated I lied I decieved I tricked... All I ever did was with an ulterior motive.How can you forget that? Why are you not angry with me?"
" You want me to be angry?" , Thor snorted in disbelief, " I was enraged.I could not see your face else I would have attacked you.That was the reason I never visited you in early months of your imprisonment.But mother did, even through projection she did visit you.", his voice turned softer in memory of their mother, " She used to talk about you.I never expressed interest outwardly, but she must have seen that I wanted to hear about you, to know how you are.As she talked about your pain, past and present I realised how much I have hurt you, how lonely you were.It was my fault that you suffered so much.I am sor.."
" Don't you dare.. Thor. Don't you deflect my questions with your apologies.I am asking ,why are you not angry when you should be furious? Why are you so..so..." , he could not finish his question.
" I was furious , as I told you Loki. I was angry at first.Then as started seeing my mistakes, my anger gave way to guilt.I am not angry with you anymore, hurt,yes. but not angry! I was hurt that you was not honest with me, you ruined my coronation, you sent me off to my banishment, you tried to kill me! But what hurt me the most was, you lied to me ,you came and told me that father was dead! You tried to break me , I still wonder why."
Loki stayed silent, now afraid that he had finally invoked Thor' s wrath.
" Tell me why, Loki.Why did you do that". Loki took a step back, from Thor's looming face.
" Thor ,I am.."
" No.I do not want your apology. I want answer." ,the king raised his voice unknown to it's effect on his brother.
" Please, I did not mean to. I just did not know how to stop you,and it was my only chance.. to to prove myself.I was too angry, too lost to know what I was doing.I am sorry,Thor .I just wanted you to feel my pain once.I wanted you to feel helpless, as I was.I should not have lied to you.I am sorry Thor, please I will be better.Please don't throw me away.. please please not to the prison.You are all I have..norns I I can't. lose you now", Loki was so scared that he did not see Thor's changing expressions from rage to hurt to understanding to that of worry. He remembered Orwars comment about Thor throwing him to army,and lost himself to wild panic. Thought of loosing Thor's favor was suddenly too much, he could not think of a way out of his predicament. He slid down on his knees, sobbing.. as if to beg for forgiveness he knew he was not getting. He did not hear Thor calling him, desperately.
" Love, look at me , brother. Its fine.I am here, shh shh..."
" Loki, breath with me ,love.Do not make me to bring that cursed ring... please love, breath.Its fine. Breath. I am not sending you anywhere"
When Loki became aware of his surroundings, he was sitting in Thor's lap.He was engulfed in large arms, his breath coming easy now, he took other man's familiar scent in and relaxed.
" Love?" Thor whispered in his ear
" Mmm"
" Are you with me?"
Loki looked up, eyes shining with remorse," I am sorry Thor.I will take any punishment just don't send me away. You are all I have please ,I.."
Thor put his finger on his lips, silencing him.
" Loki, I am not sending you anywhere. It is established that I can not be without you.You may not believe, but you are all I need,love.I would throw this kingdom away for your smile.Never, ever doubt that. Never doubt that I would choose you over anything.I am going to love you till my last breath and even after that."Thor said with all sincerety he could muster.He prayed to norns, that his words would reach Loki's panic addled mind.His eyes brimming with love and unshed tears. Loki's tears were flowing freely and he was smiling happily now.
" So we are not getting rid of each other." ,he said in hoarse voice.
" Oh no.You are stuck with me."
" I would not have it any other way, my king." , Loki's chest bloomed with something like joy. He had not felt this for a long time.He wished he could find words for the feeling.He wished he could express them to the most important man in his life.He wished the time would stop and this moment would freeze him in other's hug.. he quiet loved it there.He sighed.One day he was going to tell Thor in proper words, how much this means to him .How much he loved him! One day!
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