Chapter 17
Thor was hiding something, he was sure. The thunder god was matured ,still he was a terrible liar and Loki had centuries of experience in reading people.So he was certain that Thor was not telling something.When he asked, the young king would shrug and say nothing or change the topic all together. Today, during breakfast when Loki asked what he was going to do today ,Thor answered him with same question. And suggested him to go for walk somewhere around the palace instead of spending all day in library ." Just take Raer and Dagr with you, I will not be worried if I know you have guards with you." He added.
Loki had half a mind to follow him to find out what was going on. Instead he decided to take the advice seriously and visit the stables. He had not been able to talk to sleipnir when he last went there to ride out for hunt.He left his guards out of stables with instructions for no disturbance.He was welcomed with a happy snort from the black horse.
" Hey boy.How have you been?" ,he was answered with a wet muzzle nudging to his cheek getting a giggle," All right.fine fine.. Its been a long time.I appolozise.I was busy." The horse moved its head to his shoulder and let it rest there,as if hugging neck to neck.Loki sighed,
" You must have heard rumours.Stable boys are talkative and I have been talk of the realm lately!"
' I don't care about rumours.I was waiting for you.' He heard Sleipinir in his mind. They were magical beings, and they had strong connection.So this method of communication was easy.He moved back,and stared at amber eyes of the black steed. Odin had prohibited him from visiting Sleipinir, saying that its for his own protection. He had cursed his father for keeping him from only being that actually cared for him.His mother tried to explain that the foal will remind him of Swadilfari and the tragic circumstances of Sleipinirs birth.Placating with honeyed words of Odins wisdom and care for him.He didnot say that Sleipinir does not resemble his sire in any way, His dark mane and red curious eyes could not be more opposite than Swadilfari's white coat and black lustful eyes .Yet he had grudgingly accepted her explaination, too afraid to to anger her lest he loose his mother also.But that did not stop him from secretly visiting the foal, he could not abandon the child he brought in the world , despite its form.In truth, forms and shapes of bodies mattered so little to him, being a shapeshifter he always recognise others by their hearts, their energy. His seidr connected to others life force and thus reading their hearts.Thats why he could smell the lies, thats why he trusted Thor's noble heart.
" I should have come earlier.I have not been myself.", He explained guilt clawing his heart.Got another nudge in reply.
" Sleipinir, child I would not burden you with my tale.Just don't believe everything spoken around you. " ,The horse neighed in protest and looked at him with such empathy that no animal should be able to manage.He understood and laughed a little at the stubborn attempts of the steed to get him to talk.
" I just tried to achieve something that was never to be mine,and was made to know and accept my true place." ,He tried to explain.
" Your place is not as Thor's slave.And you should not be punished for trying to get the throne." Sleipinir almost screamed in his mind.
" Oh.so you have been evesdropping.No I am not Thor's slave, its ...its complicated.I will try to explain later.And I wasnot trying for throne, child.I was trying for Odin's approval, or recognition or.. I don't know anymore.It is past." He faltered as the horse forced its forhead to touch his... a true intimate guesture. His eyes welled up with tears.
' Stop calling me child' , Sleipinir said as if to lighten his mood.He smiled,
" You will always be a child to me." He touched the horse's neck scrubbing where briddle itched against the skin and added,
" No matter what happens, whatever you hear , always remember that I love you.And you have me as long as I live." , He got pushed at his chest for talking so cynically.But he needed to prepare his son.
" Don't throw a tantrum now, if you want to be taken as adult." ,Sleipinir snorted. " I know, I know .You are my son afterall but my days of throwing tantrums are over.I have been shown folley of my ways, your rider showed me no kindness while doing that." He recognised anger in Sleipinir's eyes and hurried to calm him , " It turned out well in the end. Don't do anything foolish.I want you to listen carefully " He looked up to catch red eyes ,and continued,
"You must be careful child.I will not be here for long time" ,they both didn't notice sharp intake of breath behind the stall.So he answered when Sleipinir asked where he was going,
" I am going to die,soon!" , Sleipinir neighed, agony in that voice could be understood anybody who heard.
" No, I am not going to kill myself. I would not do that to you nor I am able to. You have heard I obey Thor now , right?", at his son's nod he continued, " the spell that causes this,is wearing me out.Thor removes it during night. that's what enables me to regain some strength, but it would not be for long.I am dying,slowly and we need to accept it" Sleipinir kept his head on Loki's shoulder and asked after long time,
'Why Thor allowed this?' Loki laughed,
" That oaf knows nothing about magic, this kind of dark magics that obey no law of nature, that uses a being's own will against them are far beyond him.And he is your uncle, show some respect!" earning a snort from his son.
" You two are more alike than anybody can think", a voice behind them caused them both to jump apart in surprise.
" Sif,I thought my guards would respect my need for privacy" ,he said keeping a soothing hand on sleipinir's neck.
" They do.They are very loyal to you!" Loki raised his eyebrows._ " I was already inside when you came."she explained.He frowned,
" You heard everything!"
" It was hard not to." Loki felt sudden anger at the answer, " and I am called cowardly deceiving trickster, while honoured warriors walk around evsdropping private conversations."
" I am sorry ,Loki.I did not intend to." ,Loki had not expected such quick apology,Sif was too proud for that.So he only stared in confusion.
" Loki ,I would have made myself known earlier had I not been too distressed. You know I come here to think.You used to call it sulking", she added urgently.Of cource Loki knew that. She was his first friend, before she decided to ditch him for Thor and his group.In fact , him knowing she would be here has caused their ill fated fight.
She had left, angry after Thor and his baffoons had teased her about her womanhood incessantly. Loki knew where she would be and followed her to the stables. In her anger, she tried to push him away, he tried to keep talking and told her how he himself is mocked and how he ignored it. She had stupidly screamed , " You ignore because you are too coward to face them and maybe they are right. You are an argr!" Loki had felt like she has slapped him.He left without giving her chance to apologize.She didn't follow. He could have challaged her for holmgang over such insults, but she was a woman and she had said that in private. So he schemed and took revenge in private.Next day Sif woke up with a bald head.
Sif could see the memories replaying in his mind. So she said what she should have ,years ago.
" I am sorry Loki, for everything. Especially for what happened after you cut my hair.I should not have heeded Hogun about taking you in court.Nor should I have called you Argr in first place.It was all my fault"
" Well, isn't this pleasant surprise.Mighty lady Sif apologizing to the traitor.Whats the catch, Sif ? Is this some new game?"
" No Loki.Others have no hand in this. I think I have masked my guilt long enough with petty grudges and jealousy. It's time to face the truth.I betrayed you first, in favour of Thor's friendship.You still tried to remain a good friend, but I insulted you and threw that away. "
" And conveniently blamed everything on me " , he added bitterly.
" Loki, I am trying to apologise here.You know it's not my strong suit and you were wrong to cut my hair" ,Sif said offended. Loki smiled.It must be too difficult for her.
" Hmm.but I had apologised for that.Thor made sure I would.So if you don't mind , I would like to speak with my son." ,he indicated her to leave.But she stayed firm on foot,
" What did you say about this uh, arrangement killing you, is it true?"
" I may be a liesmith but I do not lie to my son.give me some credit ,Sif"
" You said Thor does not know, why did you not tell him"
" And how is that your business? I know you will certainly like me gone, but what is between me and Thor, its only between us two. You should wait for my demice,lady!" ,her face fell.
" I would not celebrate your passing, even if you believe otherwise.I want you to tell Thor so we can find a solution and you can be saved.I would not wish such heart break for him, And I will not loose my first loyal friend even if he has not forgiven me for being lousy friend." Sif had unshed tears in her eyes.Norns ,Sif never cried and she was almost crying.What was this?
" You are not lying!" He concludes
" I do not lie." , like you do, is left unsaid but he hears it.
" If you are as genuine as you want me to believe, I would like to ask for a favor"
" Anything" She assures instantly.
" Will you visit sleipinir, when I will not be able to? He is not mindless beast , you can talk to him when you are disturbed if he wants to. I am sure you would like someone who would not betray you and spread rumours about you." Sleipinir neighed his protest but Loki held a hand up to silence him.Sif was sure the horse looked chastatised.
" I would if he would have me.But Loki, I still think we need to do something about this."
" Its too late Sif.And its for the best, I promise. I really need some rest. You don't think I enjoy being Thor's bitch do you?" Sif frowned,
he should not be asking for death. But then, any of this should not have happened.She herself had played her part in this , Loki had never trusted anyone after her and grown up lonely and distrustful.
" I would not hear anybody talk about my friends like that., even you! So shut up" She admonished.
" And I am said to be incapable of sincerety..As soon as I try to speak truth, I am told to shut up." Sif sighed.It was true though. Loki's reputation was so butchered that whenever he tried to tell truth, nobody trusted him and when he was proven right nobody apologised to him. Aesir would find a reason soon to blame it all on him. She herself had stood against him every time.
" I am sorry Loki.Its not fair. I should have been a better friend"
" Stop it .And you were best friend there could be, ...to Thor at the least.I am happy that he has you."
" Even if Thor was the reason I did those horrible things to you?"
" Yes .I will not make you say it.I know the pain of heartache.And to see him every day and never recognise your feelings ,I understand. But why were you jealous of me? I was just his pathetic little brother.Even after you established yourself as his friend ,you kept scorning me."
" You will not understand .At first I wanted him to let me in, yes.It was for selfish reasons. I did not even liked him first, he was an arrogant oaf as you used to say.But then I saw his noble heart, kind soul and his selflessness. And promptly fell in love.But then I also saw how he looked at you, it angered me. How you looked at him.There was no coming in between you two.And everybody thought I was angry about my hair still. So...." She shrugged.
" What do you meen ,I looked at him.I have always thought him as brother ,at least until..."
" You stupid oblivious brat, you claim to be so clever and yet can not understand your own feelings" , she shook her head, " Tell me why did you never leave Asgard? All father and we were always unfair to you, you were unhappy , lonely and you clearly knew something was not right.Then why did you stay?". Understanding downed on his face. He did not leave because he had Thor, because he would lose his brother if he left, because Thor might not forgive him or yet forget him or will be heartbroken.Every option was worse than other.Thor was his anchor.So he stayed and lied and played tricks and lost everything in stead of loosing his brother.And he was happy still.
" Now you know! You both loved each other, but were too stupid to understand it. And I could see it"
" I am sorry Sif. I should have realised your pain.But I promise, when I am gone you will have him. He will need someone, You will make a nice couple.You should be the queen...."
"Will you stop? I said I want you both to be happy, with each other.Without anyone dying. Do you understand?"
" Sif, its the truth. He will need.."
" He will need to find a solution to this problem.So go and tell him.Or I will."
" Please don't. "
" Loki , do you really think he will survive without you? You both do stupid things without each other.If he was not banished when you found out your true blood, I still think this desaster would not have happened.".Loki sighed.
" All right.I will speak to him, when I can.But you will not say anything"
She just nodded yes.
" Sif, you didn't tell me why were you sulking here in first place?"
" Well I could not stay in court room after seeing them.I know its difficult for Thor also, but he is king, he has to welcome them.But me, seeing them was too much for me.I had to leave."
" What are you talking about?" ,Loki could not fathom what was going on, but he was going to find out,soon.
" What else.Dwarves are here for some negotiation I don't know.But seeing them does not make me happy. You are also avoiding them right?"
"Dwarves?"...Loki faltered in shock.So this was the what Thor was hiding.They are welcome here, Thor himself welcomed them.And had been keeping it from Loki.
"Loki?" Sif touched his shoulder.," Are you allright there?"
" Yes" was all he could say.
" Listen, I know I have done too much to be forgiven.But I intend to have your back from now on, like I should have done before. I will be a loyal friend if you would have me still."
Loki could not understand what she was saying, he just nodded.
,
Sleipnir
Sif