Chapter 1
Today was the day we had to say goodbye. We would never forget but today we wish we could. The day of Tony’s funeral was upon us and the world felt too terribly small. Even though we had our differences the world was losing one of its best hero’s and I was losing a friend. I stand in front of a mirror absent mindedly straightening my tie. This was it, I guess. My knees shook and I didn’t know how to face it. First Nat now this. There’s that saying that you can’t save everyone, but god did I try. The funeral passed in a blur. Faces filled with tears and sorrow. The scenes are all too familiar again and again we win but at what price. Sometime during the wake Bucky found me and took my hand I let him take it grateful for the support. Even though the last encounter Bucky had with Tony, Tony tried to kill him he was kind enough to understand he was still important to me. To all of us.
Pepper, Happy, and Peter are taking it the hardest. They were the closest with him. I worry for the boy Peter. We’re going to have to keep an eye on him—Tony was really his only father figure and it will be our responsibility to take care of him, well what’s rest of us. I’m not sure what the future holds for the ‘Avengers’ I’m not really sure of anything anymore. Bucky. That’s the one thing I do know will be here for me, I hope. We had Nat’s funeral the week prior and I lost it, she was one of the few constants in my life, someone I knew had my back no matter what who would always be there for me. And now that she’s not I’m not sure what to do. I feel more numb now rather than the despair I felt when I saw Nat’s empty coffin.
The rest of the funeral went by in a blur, the eulogy was said, I think I might have said somethings but I honestly couldn’t remember. I lose track of time. I eventually found myself back at the Avenger’s headquarters in my old room staring at the wall, lost in my thoughts. I jumped when I heard a knock on the door.
“Hey, Steve it’s me… can I come in?” It was Bucky. I simply nodded my head, giving him permission to come in and we sat on the bed for a while in silence. I hadn’t had time to catch up with Bucky since the snap I had the responsibility to help clean up the world. Part of me hated myself for not immediately running to him then and there, for not telling him how much he meant to me. I couldn’t handle the fact that I lost him again, in those five years he was gone, turned to dust by the snap. Every time I got him back he was pulled right out from under my nose. He was the closest think I had to family but he was always taken from. Maybe that’s why I feel so reserved now, this just doesn’t feel real, every second I’m with him it feels like I’m in a dream, as if any second he’ll be taken away from me again and I’ll be forever alone, lost in time.
I looked over at him and I caught him staring at me, he quickly turned away. Embarrassed I guess, I can barely keep myself from staring. It’s been Five years apart, giver or take the other 90+ years. The years have been hard on him taking away the boyhood innocence that was once a constant feature of his face. His features are sullen now. His eyes clouded; his mouth that was once in a constant smirk long gone. His features have been hardened by heartache and torture, but he was still my Bucky, he was still the 16-year-old boy from Brooklyn that gave me a home. I’m sure my own face has been weathered the same by time. He doesn’t speak, giving me space to say the first words.
“You know people keep telling me I can’t save everyone but god I tried so damn hard.”
I put my head in my hands. Bucky reached out a hesitant hand and rested it on my shoulder being careful to use his human hand.
“Steve you’ve done so much for this world. You don’t owe the world anything. You can rest now.”
“I know, it just feels like I owe the world something, they created this,” I gestured to myself and my super serum pumped body, “They own this.”
Bucky looks agitated by my words, “No one owns you Steve, you’re your own goddamn person, and you deserve to be happy. You deserve to go out into the world and not have to be Captain America, to just be Steve Rodgers. That’s all anyone has any right to ask from you. That’s all I’m asking from you.” Bucky’s words made me smile, I knew nothing will change, the fact that I was hero, built for this sole purpose, but he’s right. I did try my best. We won, there’s really no other way this could have ended this was the only way to save the world. While I hated the sacrifices we were forced to make, I knew that there was no other solution. Bucky’s arm is still on my shoulder his face still turned to me reassuringly. I knew that he liked to feel like he’s protecting me the way he did back when were kids, he always had my back. But that was a lifetime ago I feel just as a burden now as I did then. He had gone through enough shit in the last couple of years that it should be me consoling him not the other way around. He would always get annoyed when I tried to take care of him especially during the war, I think he was afraid that I wouldn’t need him anymore, but I would always need Bucky.
We are both too proud to admit it but we both need each other even if we are too ashamed to ask for help. Despite this it rubs me the wrong way having him sitting here comforting me. Back before any of this when I was constantly sick, I felt like a constant burden on everyone. I shifted so Bucky’s hand falls from my shoulder I could tell he felt hurt, but I knew this is the right thing, I don’t need him worrying himself over me. I shifted on the bed, so I was looking at him, our eyes locked he looked so small, sitting on my bed with his shoulders hunched as if he was trying to disappear into himself. I knew we needed to talk about things, about the future. We haven’t had time and I regret not stopping and making the time but now that he’s sitting right in front of me I couldn’t seem to get the words out, all I manage was.
“Bucky, I- “ before I could get my thoughts out a knock interrupted me. Bruce staggered into the room having to duck his head and turn sideways to fit through the doorway.
“Hey guys we’re having a meeting dow-“ his words drifted off noticing the disgruntled looks on our faces and our close proximity.
“We’ll be there” I shook myself wanting to leave behind the tension between Bucky and me in this room. I give him my hand to help him off the bed and he accepted it and we followed Bruce to the command room.