Cause we've been driving so long
I can't remember how we got here
Or how we survived so long
I'm trying to run from our pride
Peter sometimes thinks about MJ. About Harley. Usually late at night, when he’s alone, scrolling through his phone, going through photos and old messages. He has a habit of telling people about it sometimes. It’s his way of coping he supposes, as unhealthy as it may be it does help. At least a little bit.
'Til you set fire to my atmosphere
And I remember how I spent the twenty-third
Feeling six feet under
When I'm 30, 000 feet in the air
Remembering everything sends a pang into his chest whenever he remembers. He almost wants to cry. He doesn’t message Harry or Ned when this happens, not all the time at least.
He knows he should probably talk to someone about it. Wade, Ned, Harry. But he can’t bring himself to do it. He doesn’t want to be annoying, not any more then he feels all the time. It sucks, and Peter hates it, but he can’t bring it in himself to part with the messages, with the funny screenshots from conversations. Can’t bring himself to unfriend, or unfollow old accounts.
Peter just wants to know where he went wrong.
Chasing that sundown
So far East, I'm Westbound
Feeling like the edge of this world is near
He sometimes goes through the messages, remembering better times. Thinking of the ‘what ifs’, of the things that could have happened, but never did. Conversations that could have happened. Celebrations that could have been done together. Jokes they could have had that Peter now has with his new friends. He sometimes thinks about how they could have been part of it.
Not that he’s unhappy with his new friends. Peter loves them more than anything. They’re his family.
But you'll feel better when you wake up
Swear to God I'll make up
Everything and more when I get back someday
This is more than just a phase, love
Shooting stars all break up
And even though it seems like half the world away
A part of Peter screams that he shouldn’t be bothered by it anymore. That it happened months ago and it shouldn’t bother him as much as it does sometimes, but he just can’t help it. Late at night, Peter’s brain works on overdrive, and he can’t help but cry over the people he’s lost.
He supposes that it bothers him so much because he still doesn’t know what he did to make her hate him so much that she’d use a flimsy excuse to not talk to him anymore. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened either. Someone close to him went through something similar, but that isn’t Peter’s story to tell.
Things will be better in America
Heard the streets are gold there
Maybe I can fly you out this place someday
Chasing dreams like I'm on Novocain
Screaming through your airways
Peter has new friends, people who care about him and will tell him if he does something wrong. He loves them. They’re his family.
When he gets in those moods, he looks through their messages too. They bring a smile to his face despite how his heart cracks from the pain of abandonment yet again.
Looking back, I almost thought I heard you say
Stay, you're not gonna leave me
This place is right where you need to be
And why your words gotta mean so much to them
And they mean nothing to me?
He still doesn’t understand what changed between him, MJ, and Harley. Sure, the fallout with Harley was inevitable, but there were so many ways things could have gone differently. They could have tried to stay friends after, but instead, Harley decided to become hostile towards him.
So stay, you're not what you're hearing
'Cause I've been watching you changing
And who said you're one in a million
Anyway?
He wonders what Harley said to MJ to make her hate him. Or did he not even have to say anything? Did she hate him all this time and just needed an excuse to finally throw him away in favor of someone who wasn’t a waste of space?
Did she ever even consider him a friend? Were all of the casual jokes and gestures towards each other all lies? All of those platonic ‘I love you’s. Were those lies? Was MJ on the other side of the screen glaring at the screen, at his name and his very existence? Did all the DM’s mean nothing? All those times he’s tried to be there for her? Did she ever even care?
'Cause you see only what you want to
Your tunnel vision haunts you
And you can't see what's wrong
And you keep sleeping through the PM
Almost like routine, Peter will forget about it later. He’ll cry, then sleep, and be over it by the time he wakes up the next day. He’ll keep the memories on his phone, which then keeps them both in his life despite Peter’s assurance to everyone that he’s over it, that all feelings he has left towards them are anger.
He’d be lying to himself if he said a part of him still doesn’t care if they’re ok. If Harley is taking care of his own mental health, MJ too. Is MJ still writing? Is Harley still drawing? How is their personal life? School? Peter can’t even hate the part of him that still cares because he just can’t help himself to care.
Eyes wide open when you're dreaming
You're sleepwalking, just keep talking
And maybe you can talk your way out of this deep end
No B plan in your system
Peter sucks in a breath. He should just do it. Get rid of the screenshots. Unfriend them both. Unfollow their unused social media. This isn’t healthy and he knows it. He can’t move on if he keeps doing this to himself, only to complain to people who just want to be over it.
He starts with the photos. They’re all in one album. It’s easy enough.
Next, he unfriends them. That took a bit more willpower.
Unfollowed.
Forgotten.
He can do this.
Just tell me what you're thinking
I'm scared that you might fall
But you're not
But you're not
This is the first step to moving on. To really truly moving on.
Peter has better friends now. They aren’t worth his time anymore. Not when they still affect him like this, after all this time.
And you'll feel better when you wake up
Taking off your makeup
Sun always seems to wash our fears away
And it's always shining somewhere
I just gotta get there
And even though it seems like half the world away
Peter takes a deep inhale.
He’ll be ok. He’ll see Ned tomorrow, and Harry, and Wade. He’ll talk to his Dad too. He’ll act as if nothing happened. As if he wasn’t still mourning the loss of two people leaving his life.
He goes to sleep.