Chapter 5
The stalemate between them broke as Jason stomped across the distance between them and towered over Clint. With his sunglasses on, Clint couldn’t see the emotion in Jason’s eyes, so he kept his expression neutral. “Jason?”
“You and I have something to discuss,” Jason stated.
“I know,” Clint said as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Listen, I was wrong to do… you know. It’s just a reflex, something Bobbi and I did to end physical arguments.”
“A reflex.” Jason crossed his arms. Clint wasn’t sure, but Jason didn’t sound angry. Instead, he sounded confused. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.
“Yeah. It’s also a good way to stop panic attacks. It’s a drastic shift in the environment that resets your brain. Bobbi read it somewhere, I can’t remember. But either way, it’s a distraction technique. I’ve used it plenty of times on missions and it’s never failed me, so I guess—”
“Clint,” Jason interrupted. “You’re rambling.”
“Oh.” Clint took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “So, I’m sorry.”
Jason nodded absently, then took off his sunglasses. His green eyes were brighter than normal, the whites bloodshot from either anger or holding back tears. He opened his mouth a moment to say something, then licked his lips instead.
“I didn’t want to make things awkward between us,” Clint added.
“You running away made it awkward,” Jason said.
“I know. Sorry.”
Jason closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. “Clint, was it really just reflex?”
“Huh?”
“It didn’t just feel like a distraction. There was something behind it.”
Clint felt his gut clench. This was turning in the wrong direction. “No, there wasn’t.” Yeah, that’ll convince him. Good job, Clint.
“I’ve been kissed enough times to know when it’s being done as a distraction or for someone else’s pleasure than a real feeling being shared.” Jason locked his green eyes on Clint’s blue ones. “Clint, don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not…” Clint gulped because he knew his next words had the ability to change his relationship with Jason forever. Right now, they were friends to Jason, and brothers to Clint. One word and it opened the possibility for more. It was wrong on so many levels, but six months in the Haven was starting to gnaw at him.
He had never felt so alone. Even with Ric at his side most days, and Jason on others, Clint yearned for being stationed on the same helicarrier with Bobbi so he could find her when he just needed to be reminded that he was more than a weapon. They still loved each other, Clint was certain he always would love her, but the marriage wasn’t in their cards like they had hoped.
And Clint isn’t thinking about marriage with Jason either. God, no. That would create too much havoc in both their lives. He would be going back to S.H.I.E.L.D. soon, and Jason was a lone wolf. There were way more reasons to stop this now than not.
But Clint couldn’t deny that there was something between him and Jason. He felt it then, and even now as he started up at Jason, he wanted nothing more than to just have the man hug him. Someone to hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay.
“We can’t,” was all Clint could say before reaching up to rub at his eyes with his sleeve. He wasn’t crying, shut up.
And then, without even asking for it, he was in Jason’s arms. He felt Jason engulf him against his chest, his arms tight enough to keep him there, but not trapping him. Clint managed to hold back the whimper threatening to escape, remembering how just a few days ago how Jason had done something similar when relaying the news about Alfred’s death. Without thinking, Clint stepped closer and slipped his arms around Jason, offering a weak hug in return.
This close, Clint could smell the mixture of cologne, gun oil, and leather that made up Jason’s scent. With his hearing aid pressed against Jason’s chest, he could hear the strong heartbeat guiding him to breathe in and out in a steady rhythm. A part of Clint wanted to just stay like this forever.
“Clint,” Jason whispered, “you surprised me on the dock. I’m not a very affectionate person openly, but I know you are. And I know that kiss was something more. If you had stayed, I would have told you that it wasn’t entirely unwanted.”
“Huh?” Clint pulled back only enough to see Jason’s face.
“I’d say I don’t do relationships, but that’d be lying. I’ve tried, but this life doesn’t let that last for long.” Jason shook his head, eyes closed. “Ever since I came back, I’ve struggled to figure out what I wanted. I’ve had lovers, but…”
“Jason, I don’t want to have sex with you,” Clint stated, saving his brother from listing out his entire sexual life. “It’s not that. I mean, yes, I’m bisexual, but that isn’t what I want from someone. I just…” Clint sighed, “I want moments like this.”
“Hugs.” Jason chuckled, bringing a smile to Clint’s face. “I technically only hug Batman.”
“And yet…”
“You were about to break down crying on the sidewalk.”
“I was not!” Clint pushed himself out of Jason’s embrace, still smiling as he rubbed his eyes again. Jason laughed, and Clint joined in after a moment.
“Listen, I can’t promise anything,” Jason stated. “But I can’t say I don’t enjoy spending time with you. You get me. None of the others do, even though they try.”
“So, what does that mean?”
“It means that I’m open to seeing what happens here. I just need you to be honest about it. I don’t appreciate being lied to or running away from an argument.”
That knot returned to Clint’s gut. He had to. “I need to tell you something, then.”
“What’s that?”
Before Clint could speak, the bar door slammed open and Barbara stormed out. She saw the two of them and sighed. “You might want to go save Ric,” she stated, sadness dripping off the name before she turned and walked away in the opposite direction.
Clint moved to go after her, but Jason grabbed his shoulder. “She needs to be alone right now. Trust me.”
“Okay. I guess I should go rescue Ric before he and Bruce find a way to start a fight,” Clint said.
“But you were about to tell me something,” Jason pointed out.
“I know. And I will. Do you want to grab coffee tomorrow and we can talk more then?”
Jason nodded. “I’ll try, but there’s a case I’m working on. I’ll let you know.”
“Alright.” Clint put his hand on where Jason was still clutching his shoulder and squeezed it. “If you need backup, call.”
“We’ll see.” Jason squeezed his shoulder in return, then put on his sunglasses and left in the same direction Tim had gone.
Clint watched him leave. One weight was off his chest and it hadn’t gone horribly. But the other weight—the truth of who he really was—only weighed more on him. He needed to get this one dealt with before it came out in a way that would explode in all their faces.
He turned and reentered the bar, seeing Ric sitting at the table with Bruce. In a way, this was good. Ric hadn’t wanted to come because he didn’t remember them. Bruce was a trigger ever since he tried to force Ric to be Dick in such a way that it drove them apart.
Maybe it would lead Ric to interact with the family more. If that happened, it would be something the team could rally together with. Even if he’s never Dick Grayson again, Ric Grayson was a pretty good guy to have around.
Clint stood in the alcove between the door and the bar, listening from the shadows. When Ric stood up, Clint stepped into the bar to make his presence known—even if he was sure they both already knew. “Ready to go?” he asked Ric.
“Actually, Clint, could you stay a moment?” Bruce asked.
Ric and Clint exchanged looks, and Ric nodded. “I’ll go find us some real coffee before we ride back,” Ric said before he left, leaving Clint alone with Bruce.
Yeah, this was going to be interesting.