When his little brother did not show up for their weapons training, Thor was only a little surprised. After all, Loki had only recently returned from his peculiar adventure. He had been behaving strangely, but that was probably to be expected. Eir had said he was not hurt or sick, and everyone had been very relieved. Thor had thought that Loki would be anxious to catch up after missing an entire year, not because he loved to fight, but because he hated losing so much.
Loki did not come to breakfast either, which made Mother sigh and look unhappy. Father had not said anything about it, but he had such a grim expression, Thor had decided not to mention it either.
Their language instructor was noticeably disappointed that his favorite student did not show up for their lesson, but Thor was less so. Loki always wanted to learn hard languages like High Shi'ar and old Elvish that nobody even spoke anymore. Thor didn't see why he had to learn any languages since they had the All-Speak, but the tutor had gone on about perspective and culture and increasing intelligence, so Thor had picked one. Groot was not too difficult; it was made up of only the three words: I, am, and Groot. It turned out to be more difficult than he'd thought, so he hoped Loki would help.
He slipped out the window before their poetry teacher arrived and went in search of the trickster. The palace was huge, but surely Loki would avoid anyone who might send him back to his schoolwork; Thor likewise stuck to the unpeopled areas, sneaking past guards by various tricks Loki and he had figured out decades ago.
His brother's rooms were echoingly empty and still looked a bit unlived in, since the servants had put all Loki's projects and books and miscellaneous stuff away during his absence. Next, he checked the library, but it was empty, except for the librarian and an elderly mage snoring over an open grimoire. Thor deftly avoided being seen and moved on to the music room, also empty, then the portrait gallery, narrowly avoiding the two couriers trysting next to the statue of Auðumbla. He tried the armory, the trophy hall, and a few of the more exciting storerooms—no Loki.
It was probably close to lunchtime, but since Loki had skipped breakfast and lessons, Thor hazarded a guess that he wasn't planning to show up for lunch either. He snuck through the busy service corridors by hauling a load of laundry tall enough to hide behind. It was a trick Loki had taught him before he had perfected his illusions enough not to need such methods.
The kitchen was as hot and humid as a dragon's den, packed with delicious odors and bustling cooks and their helpers who were all too occupied with chopping, stewing, stirring, and kneading to notice him. Thor caught a glimpse of a tray of ginger pear tarts being put on racks to cool and wrestled with the temptation to try to swipe some but decided that he would drag Loki back to help once he found him. Instead, he ducked into a cold pantry near the entrance, found a clean napkin and bundled up some crusty bread, cold roast boar and some pungent cheese, and two of Idunn's golden-skinned apples, then hurried off again.
Once he was safely out of sight, Thor considered the options. If Loki honestly did not want to be found, he wouldn't be. The palace was huge and full of hiding places, even if one couldn't become invisible. He couldn't search in every cupboard and closet, but he wasn't ready to give up. He just needed to think of where Loki might want to be.
He skipped the aviary. Loki liked birds, but he would be avoiding Father's ravens if he was hiding. Maybe he had gone to Mother after missing breakfast. That would be a good thing, but he couldn't just ask because she might send him back to his lessons. Cautiously, he climbed the Queen's garden wall, where the little flowering plum tree would help block him from view. Peering through the tiny white flowers and budding leaves, Thor saw that she was there alone, looking pensive as she spun wool into yarn. She glanced in his direction; Thor froze, but after a moment, she went back to her spindle. She was smiling a little, and he wondered if she'd seen him after all. Her sight was uncanny at times. Careful not to shake the branch, he climbed down and continued on his search.
Unable to think of anywhere else, he reluctantly went to check the royal stables. It was a risk, but outside the palace, the servants weren't nearly as bossy. The larger stalls for dams and foals were in the back, where it was quieter. Thor checked three before finding the one he wanted. The silver-spotted gray foal was not alone but housed with a placid piebald mare who was hovering over him protectively. Thor would have thought her his mother, if not for the eight gangly legs.
"Can I help you, Prince Thor?" a somewhat gruff voice startled him, and he turned, feeling oddly guilty, even though he had every right to be here. Well, except that he was supposed to be in his mathematics class. Or possibly galactic geography. He turned and found Asgard's Horsemaster, Dennet, carrying a bucket and a leather pouch.
"I was just looking for Loki," Thor explained.
"He's not here," Dennet replied, and in a more sympathetic tone than Thor had thought possible from the usually irascible head groom, he explained, "The All-Father has forbidden him to visit Sleipnir."
"Oh." Thor rubbed his jaw, feeling the still sparse hairs of his warrior's beard prickle against his palm. He almost pointed out that Loki could be visiting, as a bird or a cat, or a stable boy, but he thought the better of it. He didn't want to make it harder for Loki to sneak in if he wanted to.
The Horsemaster raised his bucket, showing Thor that it was not water, but milk. "I'm needing to be feeding the foal now if there's naught else, your highness?"
"The mare's not feeding him then?"
"Nay, she's just for company. We don't have a nursing mare without her own foal right now. Even if we did, he eats twice as much as a normal foal, so we'd have to be feeding him anyway."
"Because of the extra legs?" Thor guessed.
"Maybe, maybe not." Dennet seemed impatient to get about his job.
Thor thanked him and left him to it, trudging out of the stables with no good ideas where to go next. He paused to sit on a bench near the blacksmiths, munching some of the bread and meat and watching them making horseshoes. A flash of light from a seldom-used guard tower drew his attention. Looking up, he saw a familiar dark-haired figure perched in the window of a disused guard tower, feet dangling out into the open air. The sunlight winked and shone from the gold buckle of one shoe as he kicked his heels.
Jumping to his feet, Thor rushed toward the palace. Once inside, he quickly found the right stairs and thundered up them, abandoning all attempts at stealth. Several people shouted to him, but he only called back vague apologies and ran faster. Thankfully none of them followed. When he finally found the right room, Loki was still seated in the window's open arch, facing out with his slim shoulders slumped.
"I've been looking everywhere for you," Thor panted a little as he stamped into the room. Except for the stored weapons and ammunition, the space was empty, so the appeal must be the window.
"Well, you found me," Loki answered, without looking around. "Congratulations."
"What are you doing here?"
"Nothing," Loki replied bitterly.
Thor considered carefully. His brother was prone to violence when he was in this mood. Thor was too, but Loki was sneaky about it and didn't yell or threaten first - he just blasted out with magic or suddenly stuck a knife in you.
"I brought some food since you didn't show up for breakfast," he offered.
"I'm not hungry."
"Move over," Thor nudged him aside as he took a seat on the window ledge beside Loki.
"There isn't enough room!" Loki complained, trying to resist being moved.
Thor sat down anyway, and it turned out that there was, barely. "Sure there is," he chuckled at Loki's outrage and opened his bundle. "Here, take an apple."
"I don't want an apple," Loki spat.
"Have some bread and cheese, then," Thor suggested. "But you can't have any of the boar. That's mine."
This was an old, old game between them. Loki grimaced at the blatant manipulation, but promptly reached out and took the rest of the cold meat and a chunk of the bread.
"I thought you weren't hungry."
"Shut up," Loki mumbled around a mouthful of food. Thor wisely didn't grin but began eating his remaining bread and cheese. They ate in silence for a while, and Loki continued to steal from more and more as he finished. It had always amazed Thor somewhat that Loki could eat so much and stay so skinny. Their friends would tease him sometimes about needing to eat more; only Thor knew that in private, Loki ate nearly as much as Volstagg. He let Loki have most of what he'd brought, except for the last of the bread and cheese, which he only managed to keep by cramming it into his mouth. It turned out to be a bit more than he could comfortably chew, but with determination and extra spit, he managed.
Loki pulled a face at his open-mouthed chewing. Thor only grinned around his prize.
"You are disgusting." Loki's look of disdain turned into one of rapture as he bit into Idunn's apple. In swift, neat bites, he ate it down to the core, only spitting out the pips and seeds. He then stole the napkin from Thor's lap to wipe his face and hand, allowing the few remaining crumbs to tumble away to the ground below.
"You didn't come to lessons," Thor pointed out, once he managed to choke his food. "Did you forget you were supposed to?"
Loki shrugged, then asked hesitantly, "Did you see Sleipnir?"
"Yes."
"Is he all right?"
"Sure. Horsemaster Dennet was just about to feed him. He says Sleipnir is eating twice as much as a normal foal," Thor stated. "I guess it's the extra legs."
Loki snorted. "It's because he has magic."
"How can a horse have magic?"
"He inherited it from me, stupid."
"You're the stupid one," Thor grumbled. "Doing what you did just to win a bet. Do you have any idea how worried Mother got when you didn't come home?"
"I was more concerned about Father!" Loki protested. "You saw how angry he was when it looked like Hrimthurs was going to win the wager."
"So? He wasn't going to kill you or anything!"
Loki looked as if he doubted this, and Thor sighed inwardly. Yes, the All-Father could be alarming when he got furious, but Loki was his son.
"Dennet is feeding him? Not a nursing mare?"
It was so unlike Loki not to argue, but Thor was willing to change the subject. "They all have their own foals, Dennet says. He did put a mare in with him for company, though."
"I'm glad he's not alone," Loki said, and hunched over, hugging his knees. "He must be missing me so much."
"Why don't you just go see Sleipnir, if you want to that much?"
"Father won't let me." The anger in Loki's voice was dull as a rusted blade.
"Just change into a bird or something and sneak in," Thor said, exasperated his brother's defeatist
attitude.
"I can't leave the palace. Watch."
Without warning, Loki shoved himself forward into thin air; Thor's heart lurched in alarm and he lunged after him, knowing he was too late -- but Loki did not fall, or even turn into a bird and wing away. Instead, he hovered there like a moth in an invisible spider's web, struggling as if he might win free... but only half-heartedly, as if knowing he'd already lost. After a moment, something pushed him slowly back into the tower.
"Oh." Their father had never enforced his rules with magic before. Thor didn't know how he felt about this. "Well, you've already been gone for ages. I guess he's worried you'll leave again."
"The All-Father knew where I was. Heimdal too."
"Mother was worried sick!"
This argument elicited a guilty expression at last. "I was perfectly safe. It's not like there are any wolves or panthers or bears on Asgard."
"You could have come home. We have a big enough stable, if you were determined to be a horse," Thor indicated the sprawling buildings where Asgard's steeds were housed.
Jutting out his lower lip, Loki scowled fiercely. "Nobody asked me to. Father sent his ravens, so I know he knew where I was, but he didn't send for me."
"You live here, you moron," Thor kept it under a shout with difficulty. "No one should have to come and get you. You didn't break a leg or something? Fall in a hole? Forget the way?" Loki had mentioned once that shapeshifters could get lost in their assumed form if they were not careful.
"No, I just- I didn't think..." Loki trailed off.
"What didn't you think?"
"I was afraid... if I came back before the foal was born, then Father..." He ran a hand through his hair, mussing it terribly. "Thor, I didn't want to lose the baby. My baby."
"That doesn't even make sense! We have the best healers and the best horse tenders in all the realms here, so why would you- oh. Oh."
His brother's look of pinched exasperation eased but didn't entirely clear as Thor comprehended that Loki believed their father would have ordered the healers to end the pregnancy. He knew such things were sometimes done, but they were seldom spoken of.
It would have been the sensible thing to do, Thor thought. Especially if it were done early, but he did not say it.
His brother read the thought off Thor's face. He'd always been able to do that. "You think that's what I should have done too."
"No," Thor denied hastily. "Not exactly."
Loki's green eyes narrowed.
Defensively, Thor explained, "I just don't see why you didn't do something else in the first place, that's all."
"Something involving smashing, maybe?"
"Maybe! Why not?" Thor had ended up having to kill the builder in the end, after the giant had claimed he had been cheated and refused to accept that he had lost the wager.
With a derisive snort, Loki turned back to staring out at the stables, where he was not allowed to go.
Thor tried to be fair. His brother was not as good a warrior as himself and did not have Mjolnir. "You could have at least turned into a stallion to distract Svaðilfari."
"He is considerably bigger than me as a horse. I was not interested in being kicked to a pulp," Loki argued.
"You could have turned into a wolf or a lion."
"And I would have been kicked to pieces."
"Couldn't you turn into, like, a giant wolf?"
"No, because there are no such things. Wolves and lions are the sizes they are," Loki explained in the 'know-it-all' voice that made Thor want to thump him one. "Even a dire wolf would not necessarily have won a fight with Svaðilfari."
"You could have become a dragon and roasted him!"
Loki made a face. "Svaðilfari hadn't done anything to deserve that. He was only doing what his owner wanted. He didn't make the stupid bet."
"It's just a horse," Thor said.
"Thor, I have been a horse myself for over a year."
"That's different!"
Loki slouched. "Never mind. It doesn't matter. Unless I stabbed Hrímthurs with a sword or hit him with a hammer, nobody would approve of what I did anyway. I could have turned into a horsefly and harried Svaðilfari to delay construction, or drugged their water with a sleeping potion. I could have done lots of things; Asgard would have seen it as cheating anyway."
Which they did, Thor inwardly admitted. "Why didn't you? The horsefly?" He knew why not the drugged water; poison was a coward's weapon, and even his trickster brother would not stoop to it.
"Insect have very tiny brains. It makes it hard to remember anything, including how to turn back. I might have bitten him once or twice and then flown off to find a male horsefly, and had hundreds of babies instead of one," Loki's smile was sly but a bit wan.
Now it was Thor's turn to make a face. "Yuck. Couldn't you be a male horsefly?"
"The males don't bite," Loki informed him.
Thor would have thrown up his arms in frustration, except that the window ledge was too cramped.
"Never mind," Loki went back to looking dejected. "As I said, it doesn't matter. Everything I do is wrong."
"That's not true," Thor denied hotly. "You're good at lots of things!"
"All the wrong things! I'm good at magic, and knives, which are women's things -- as your friends are so fond of reminding me!"
"You're good at our lessons. History and politics and all that," Thor reminded him. "Our teachers have missed you, and I've had to put up with them telling me how much better you are than me all year."
"Nobody cares about all that," Loki dismissed, sniffling into the napkin and angrily wiping away a tear with the back of his hand.
"Then why do we have to learn it?"
Exasperated, Loki turned a venomous glare at him. "I didn't say the things we are learning aren't important, just that nobody on Asgard thinks they are! All they care about is who is better at hitting people with weapons!"
"That doesn't make sense. Anyway, Father assigned our tutors, so he must think that stuff is important, and you are better at it than I am."
"Father is embarrassed by me. That's why he doesn't want me to visit Sleipnir. He doesn't want people to know his son gave birth to a horse."
Thor squirmed, chewing at his lip.
Loki glared. "You're embarrassed by me too. No use denying it."
"I'm not either!"
"Yes, you are!"
So tightly wedged in beside Loki, Thor could not miss the misery in his brother's tone. Guilt flooded through him. "I just..." He stared down at his clenched hands, and stuck out his jaw. "It was a weird thing to do, that's all."
"Well then," Loki ground out, "if you think I'm so weird, I won't trouble you with my presence any longer.
He hopped off the ledge, but Thor's hand shot out to grab him. "I didn't say that!"
Loki twisted in his grip. "That's what you meant, though -- isn't it?" The ice in Loki's tone was brittle and thin, barely covering some uglier emotion. But though he tugged against Thor's grip, Thor refused to let him go.
"I just said it was weird. You're still my brother, and you were gone a whole year, and I missed you, you knot-brain!"
Loki ceased trying to get away and thickly muttered, "Better a knot-brain than a naught-brain."
Thor let go, mainly so he could thump him on the leg. Not very hard, just a brotherly thump. "I would rather have no thoughts at all than a head full of tangles like you."
"Then I imagine you're happy, oh thoughtless one," Loki jibed half-heartedly. "You and all of Asgard, happy, blithering idiots."
"Couldn't you just try not to be so weird?" Thor pleaded. "I am not embarrassed by you! I just don't want you to be so unhappy!"
Loki huffed out a breath through his nose. "You would rather I be happy, then? The perfect Asgardian prince? I'm sure I could fake that much." A moment later, Thor was staring at his own face, the annoyance and misery morphing into a vapid grin tinged with arrogance.
"Wearing my face will not keep me from punching you right in the nose," Thor warned.
Loki shifted back to his slim, dark-haired self, and sighed heavily. "People want me to be so many things," he murmured sadly. "I know what Mother wants, what you want... I wish I could tell what exactly Father wants, though part of it seems obvious. And I can... I can fake it, for a while. I just can't keep it up. The way they want me to think and act... it feels so wrong. It isn't me."
Thor paused to think this over. "I want you to be happy," he said slowly, "but I want you to be you. Isn't there a way you could be both?"
"Not so far as I've found," Loki said gloomily. "It's okay, Thor. I know you can't help."
"There's gotta be some way to help you."
Loki shook his head at Thor. "If my problems could be solved by a bumbling idiot, I'll be the first to let you know."
"Hey!" Thor griped, and shoved Loki out the window, this time upside-down. Loki crossed his arms while glaring at him from within the spell.
By the time the magic returned him to the ledge, Thor had an idea. A smile tugged at his lips. "You know... I can go to the stables. Father hasn't confined me to the palace."
Loki's eyes flashed a warning as he pulled a dagger from thin air. "If you're trying to make me feel better--"
"No, no! I mean, I could visit him for you. And tell you how he's doing."
The blade slipped from Loki's grasp and vanished on the way down. "You'd truly do that for me?"
"Of course! Every day, if you like. When he's big enough, I'll even take him treats. If, um, if Father still won't let you near him, I mean."
Loki's expression was so strange, with hope and pleasure warring with anger and despair. As if he were indeed a mother to the little foal. "You say that, but you'll forget."
"I won't forget."
"That's what you always say, and you always forget," Loki accused.
Thor frowned. Maybe he had said he would do a thing for Loki and then forgot on one or two occasions, but not always, and never when it was important.
"I promise on my honor that I won't forget to visit my nephew, the wonderous eight-legged horse."
"Don't make fun of him!"
"I'm not! I said he was wonderous!"
"He is. He's special." Loki crossed his arms defiantly.
"And magical, you said," Thor reminded him with a smirk.
Loki raised his chin. "Yes, he is."
"A magician horse. I'm looking forward to seeing that."
Loki's face fell, and Thor felt witless as a wooden practice dummy for reminding him that Loki was not allowed to watch the little foal grow up.
"He can't keep you in the palace forever, Loki," he offered. "He'll get over it, and then you can visit him yourself."
Straightening his spine, Loki nodded. "I know. I just miss him."
"He's fine. Dennet is taking good care of him, and the mare with him acts like she gave birth to him herself."
"Father is probably going to try to convince everybody that she did," Loki scoffed.
It was Thor's turn to shrug. "Let him. What do you care what people think?"
"I guess you're right," Loki admitted.
"And Father will take the spell off sooner if you stop skipping lessons and meals and start acting normal again."
Loki's shoulders slumped. "I know," he said, sounding defeated.
Thor decided he would risk being stabbed and moved to pull Loki into a hug. His brother was stiff and spiky at first, but Thor did not relent until he relaxed and hugged back.
"Come on," he urged, taking Loki by the elbow and steering him towards the door.
"What's the hurry?" Loki asked though he did not resist. "We've probably missed all our lessons for today."
"You missed them all," Thor corrected. "I sat through at least half of them."
"We'll probably both get lectured anyway. I'm sure I'll get blamed."
"It is your fault. If you hadn't been hiding, I would not have had to come to look for you." Thor checked to see if anyone else was on the stairs before dragging Loki down with him, two steps at a time. His brother moved in synch, effortlessly matching his pace. He had missed this partnership; he had friends, but Loki had been like his shadow, always there, until suddenly he hadn't been.
"I wasn't hiding. And why are we hurrying?" Loki demanded, tugging free at the bottom of the stairs.
"While I was looking for you, I stopped to check the kitchen."
"You thought I'd be cooking?"
"I thought you'd be hungry, knot-brain. You missed breakfast and lunch." Thor peered out the door into the palace corridor. It was teaming with people. "Can you make us invisible, or make us look like guards or servants or something?"
"What for, since we're going to get yelled at anyway?"
"There were freshly baked ginger pear tarts, just out of the oven," Thor explained. "I thought if you'd help, we could get a few while they're still warm."
With a wave of his fingers and a flash of green, Loki changed into a freckled, curly-haired girl dressed in servant's garb. He smiled winsomely and twirled. "Ready when you are."
Thor glanced down at himself to see a plunging neckline and full round breasts, a slim waist wrapped by a white apron over a blue skirt. "Could you not just make us invisible?"
"I could, and I will, once we get to the kitchen. Otherwise, Birgit might try to put us to work."
"Loki..."
"I'm going to get some tarts. You better keep up if you want any." Laughing, Loki hoisted his skirts and sprinted off in the direction of the kitchen.
Thor hesitated a moment, but he did want some tarts, and more than that, he did not want Loki to disappear again. Not even for a moment. He tried to gather his skirt and found it an illusion. He was still himself, under the feminine seeming. If Loki was wearing skirts in truth, had he shape-shifted?
Deciding it did not matter, Thor set off to catch up, determined not to be left behind.