Breaking hearts
Breaking hearts
Peter will come swinging through the open balcony door, sweaty and panting and grinning like he won the lottery. He’ll rip his mask off, throw it carelessly on the coffee table and drag Tony to his feet, kiss him and whisper a quiet hello, handsome . He’ll tell Friday to play their song, and start swaying Tony around the living room floor, high on adrenaline, singing along to the words, sounding like an angel.
Don't be afraid of the monsters
Tony will sit on the couch, watch the elevator. It’ll open any second now. Peter will come skipping in, beam at him and drop his backpack by the kitchen table. He’ll start talking a mile a minute about what happened at work. What the kids are gossiping about.
Don't be afraid of the dark
He’ll kiss Tony’s cheek, ask about his day, and Tony will tell him how boring it was, how he wished Peter was there with him, distracting him from the boring meetings.
Peter will laugh, and drop next to Tony, lean his head on his shoulder and close his eyes. He’ll complain about New York traffic and Tony will comb through his hair, and tell him that Happy is in fact their driver for a reason.
Don't be afraid of the future
Peter will come to bed, drag his feet across the carpeted floor, and faceplant the pillow, exhausted and worn out after a long day trying to explain the periodic table to thirty distracted ten-year-olds, and chasing the Green Goblin across the city.
Tony will wrap his arms around him, kiss him on the top of the head and tell him how much he loves him. How lucky he is to have Peter in his bed. And Peter will smile, and whisper a quiet I love you, too .
Cause i'll be here to be the shield around your heart
Peter will come home. They’ll eat takeout on the floor, watch crappy rom-coms on netflix and have nerf gun wars. Everything will be fine, everything will go back to normal.
Tony barges into the lab, mind whirring with ideas. He can fix this. He just needs a little time. He can undo this. He han bring Peter back. He’s done it before. He can do it again. He just needs to figure out how.
He’s vibrating with excited nerves. He’s getting Peter back. This isn’t it. This isn’t the end. It’s just a hiccup. A bump in the road.
If you'd go down, if you'd fall
He stares at the screen in front of him. Eyes dry and itchy. What time is it? It doesn’t matter. Time is irrelevant. He needs to figure this out. He needs more coffee. He just needs to go over the equations one more time.
If only Peter was here to help me, he thinks, but then he quickly shakes the thought out of his head. He’ll be back. I can bring him back.
I'll be falling down with you
He’s jolted awake by a pair of firm hands gripping his shoulders. Shaking him. “Jesus, Tones.” Tony blinks. How did he get in here?
“What?” He scrambles to his feet. Did he fall asleep? How long was he out? He doesn’t have time for this. He needs to figure this out. He needs to go over the timelines. He needs to figure out where to go. When to go.
Won't regret, won't reset
“Tony.” The words are muffled, drowned down by his and Peter’s song playing on repeat. The dark voice Peter was so fond of. The melodic words telling Tony that Peter will always be there.
He’ll be back. I’ll bring you back, Pete. I’m here for you too.
Cause love's around
“Tony!” Rhodey’s hands are tightening around his wrists. The dark, chocolate eyes staring at him. Concern and worry written all over his face.
“What?!”
“What are you doin’, man?”
If you'd drown down, if you'd break
“I’m getting him back!” He tries to gesture for the blue screen, but his hands are still trapped in his friend’s strong grip. Rhodey shakes his head, looks over at the screen and then back to Tony.
“Tony… Don’t. He’s gone. He’s not coming back. He wouldn’t want you to waste the rest of your life like this. You need to let go.”
Let go.
I'll be breaking down with you
Peter’s staring at him. Looking so peaceful. Resigned. Let me go, Tony. It’ll be okay. Tony shakes his head. No. But Peter just smiles, a sad, but stubborn smile. I love you. Tony wants to scream. Shake the limp body cradled in his lap.
Won't look back, wave no flag
“I can bring him back.” He says. A quiet whisper, barely heard under the tunes telling him what he couldn’t understand. I’m falling apart without you. I’m breaking without your smile keeping my shattered heart together.
Cause when you drown
Tony can’t breathe. He’s heaving, clutching his chest. No. He stumbles back. Crashes into the desk behind him. No. It’s not the end. It can’t end like this. Peter can come back. He’ll see him again. Smiling, laughing. Kissing him in the morning. It’s not the end.
I will drown with you
Tony’s eyes wander to the white wall. The pictures decorating it haunting him. Peter’s standing next to him, messy curls framing his beaming face. Eyes big and honest and Tony can feel his love from that day all the way across the room.
Feel Peter’s warm hands in his hair, his lips against his neck. What Tony wouldn’t give to go back to that day. That perfect day when they promised each other forever.
I will drown with you
Tony can’t do this. They haven’t reached forever yet. They barely made it four years. It’s not fair. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Tony was supposed to go first. Peter should be the one looking at wedding photos, fiddling with the heavy ring on his finger.
Peter was the one supposed to deal with this. He’d be prepared for it. He could handle it. He was so much stronger than Tony is. Stronger than he ever was. Ever will be.
I don’t know how to go on without you.
Don't be afraid of the sunrise
He can’t sleep. The covers are suffocating him. stealing his breaths as he tries to inhale. The faint scent of Peter still lingering on the pillow. Taunting. Mocking. Another day passing without the sun lighting up his life.
Don't be afraid of the saint
Another day without reason. What’s the point, anyway. Peter’s not here anymore. The penthouse feels empty without him. The sky is a little greyer than it used to be. The shadows are creeping up on him, and it’s so tempting to let them take him. Consume him and bring him to wherever Peter’s watching over him.
Don't be afraid of the judgement
There’s nothing left for Tony here. He’s so utterly alone. There’s no one to tell him what to do anymore. No one to scold him for doing whatever he wasn’t supposed to do. There’s no one to hold him close. No one to pick him back up when he falls.
Cause i'll be here to back you up along the way
Peter’s not coming back. He’s gone. He left. He let Tony hold him and weep as he smiled through his own pain. Thinking of Tony’s aching heart. Always thinking of Tony first. Always putting everyone else before himself. Even in his last moment, he soothed Tony, telling him it was all okay.
And if you'd go down, if you'd fall
Tony looks over at Peter’s desk, standing untouched in the corner of the lab. His latest project is still lying out, like Peter’s just out to get coffee, and will be back any second to finish it. Tony wants to scream. Curse the entire universe for making him go through this.
I'll be falling down with you
He takes a deep breath and steps over to the mess on the metal table. A notebook is open, Peter’s messy handwriting filling the lined page with equations and notes about his web formula. The pen is lying next to it, cap off, and Tony wonders if Peter just did it to spite him.
Won't regret, won't reset
“You can’t leave it open like that. It’ll dry out.” Tony points at the four pens carelessly thrown around the desk, and Peter rolls his eyes at him.
“Why does it bother you so much? It’s not your pens. It’ll just take me longer to get the notes down.” Tony huffs. It doesn’t take that long to uncap a simple pen. And why does he need so many of them, anyway? Why can’t he just use one of the many holo screens available to him like any other billionaire scientist?
Cause love's around
Tony can feel the trembling in his hands, and curls them into fists. The chemistry station is staring at him, and he can’t take it anymore. Peter won’t come back through the doors any minute. He won’t slurp his coffee and ramble about whatever formula problem he has at the moment. He won’t come up to Tony and disturb him while he’s working on his Iron Man gauntlet.
If you'd drown down, if you'd break
He wipes the table in a frantic move to get it to stop torturing him. He won’t come back! He takes a deep breath, feeling the air struggling to find its way down to his lungs. He feels dizzy with the memory of a smiling Peter coming up to him and kissing his cheek. Waving his arms around as he tells a morbid story about some stupid villain throwing through a window.
I'll be breaking down with you
Dumm-e comes up to him, chirping in a tone that makes Tony think he’s grieving too. He picks up one of Peter’s bobble-head figures that ended on the other end of the lab, rolling over to Tony and placing it on the floor by his feet. Tony doesn’t know if he wants to dismantle or upgrade the bot for acting like that.
Won't look back, wave no flag
“He won’t come back…” A sob escapes his throat, and his knees give out. He falls to the ground, staring straight into the bots claw, imagining Peter’s hand patting it, comforting it like it was a real child. “He’s not coming back.”
Cause when you drown
Peter is humming a tune Tony doesn’t recognize, swaying his hips as he moves graciously around the screen in the middle of the room, pointing at different parts of his newest suit hovering in front of him. Tony can’t do anything but stare. His heart skips a beat as he watches the long, delicate fingers move at a rapid speed. Eyes focused and brows furrowed.
Tony didn’t think it was possible to feel so in love as in that exact moment. Peter looks like a god, his shirt rolled up to his elbows, two buttons opened, revealing his collarbone. It’s magical, how Peter’s presence can have Tony shivering, aching down to the bones with emotions he never let himself explore.
I will drown with you
He picks up the bobble-head figure. It’s Iron Man. Of course it is. Tony used to laugh at it, teasing Peter about how he didn’t need a plastic figure, when he had the real deal within touching distance whenever he wanted. It’s not so fun now. He pictures Peter’s loving eyes as he daydreams, the brown orbs trained on the stupid toy. What did you see, Pete?
The grass is greener now that summer is upon them. Peter would have loved the bright color against the pale, clear sky. He would have dragged Tony down to the park like some eager puppy. Camera mounted around his neck and curious eyes searching for the perfect motive.
I will drown with you
The white lilies weigh heavy in his calloused hand, but he holds them tight to his chest as he slowly steps across the field. His destination is clear on top of the hill. Tony stops for a second, his heart beating heavy, pushing up a familiar lump, tightening his throat. He swallows hard, blinking away the sudden blurriness in his eyes.
If you'd go down, if you'd fall
The sun is shining down on the marble, the shadows from the trees encasing the sparkling stone. Tony takes another step forward. Peter’s angelic voice singing in the back of his head.
I'll be falling down with you
“Hey honey.” Tony whispers. His voice cracks and he clears his throat. It feels wrong to look down on him like this. Like he’s mocking Peter for not being here anymore. He grips the flowers a little tighter. Another mocking gesture.
Won't regret, won't reset
Peter used to adore them, he took such good care of them where they bloomed and bathed in the sunlight on the windowsill. Peter can’t appreciate them anymore, and suddenly, bringing them here, placing them on the bright, green grass to wither away, doesn’t sound like a good idea at all.
Cause love's around
“I’m sorry for not coming sooner.” He kneels before the engraved name. Pristine and delicate, standing out in black, shiny letters on the light grey stone. “I still have a hard time believing you won’t ever bounce into the lab in the mornings, y’know.”
Yeah
He reluctantly lets one shaking hand grace the letters. It’s cold under his fingertips, nothing like the warm skin his fingers are so used to touching. “I wish I could hold you one more time.”
If you'd drown down, if you'd break
A tear falls stubbornly from his tired eyes. It feels so long ago, when he woke up with Peter draped across his body, snoring softly. The morning light tickling his nose, framing his long lashes fanning over his cheekbones. “It’s been eight months already, and I’m so lost, Pete.”
I'll be breaking down with you
He sniffles and chokes on a sob, inhaling sharply. “I don’t know what to do without you.” Peter would have smiled softly and cupped his cheeks, leaned their foreheads together and whispered soothing words if he was still here.
Won't look back, wave no flag
But he’s not here. He’ll never come back.
Cause when you drown
Never laugh at Tony’s terrible jokes. Never crawl into his lap just to be close.
I will drown with you
Tony will never get the chance to look into those big honey eyes. Never see the honesty in them when Peter tells him he loves him.
I will drown with you
“I miss you, Pete.”
And wave no flag.