The arc reactor had been removed over two years ago, but I still remembered what it felt like when I had to swap it out with an upgraded one. The arc-powered electromagnet that kept that fucking shrapnel from tearing up my heart had a faint vibration to it. Turns out people really can grow accustomed to almost everything. The only time I noticed the vibrations after a while was when the arc was out of my chest, then it was the lack of them that I noticed. And the pain of the shrapnel starting to move toward my heart. Turns out having small, sharp pieces of metal inside you is unpleasant. Surprised? Yeah, me too. That's sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell. A lot of people don't get when I'm being sarcastic versus when I'm being serious. Probably because I'm hardly ever serious.
I didn't like to think of those days; those metal bits and that vibrating magnet were gone forever. Leaving me with a shit load of scars on my chest and a metal plate over my sternum to close the hole where the arc once sat. Steve asked me once when he saw my scars in the locker room if they hurt. I told him no, which was mostly the truth.
Right now? Right now I could feel the shrapnel moving around inside me. My heart was beating very fast. It felt like those pieces of metal were gouging into my heart and ripping it apart. I barely felt my hand on my chest and I couldn't breathe.
I heard a voice coming from far away. It sounded like Pepper. Good. She always knows what to do. I focused on her voice.
"You need to breathe. You're having a panic attack. Look at me, Tony."
When I looked at her she drew in a big deep breath and told me to do the same thing. I did, then we exhaled. Then we did it again. After a few moments I felt my heart rate slow down and the non-existent shrapnel disappeared from my chest.
Then the reason for the panic came back to me, "You're breaking up with me? Why?"
I looked, really looked at the woman sitting on the couch in my penthouse. She looked sad, and her hands were fidgeting with the hem of her skirt, which was a nervous tic of hers. Clearly she wasn't any happier about this moment than I was. But my mind was whirling over the last few months of our relationship, things were good, right? The sex was amazing, we were fighting less than usual, still spending as much time together as we could, given our jobs. I couldn't see anything I'd done to make her want to leave.
"I just can't do this anymore. You're always risking your life being Iron Man and I'm looking for someone who isn't running into danger all the time. Someone steady."
I laughed, humorlessly, "I can do steady! I'll give up the suit. I'll marry you, go live on a farm in South Dakota if you want. Raise alpacas and horses. You like horses, right?"
"I love horses, but I don't think you'd be happy giving up the suit. Not yet. I can't ask that of you. You'd regret it and come to resent me. No, this is it. I'm done," Pepper leaned over, kissed me on the cheek, and walked out of my apartment before I could say another word.
My heart shattered into a million tiny pieces and I collapsed onto the couch and sobbed.
I have no real recollection of the next three months. I know I participated in things with the team. I've seen the pictures. I even took some of them! I didn't drown my sorrows in alcohol or other women either, I just don't remember what I did.
One day during those three months does stand out in perfect clarity, however. I was walking through the halls of Stark Tower, on my way to do something and I saw Happy kissing a tall, redheaded woman. I was getting ready to tease him about finding a girl when I saw who she was: Pepper.
I couldn't move. I stood there staring at the two of them, my jaw hanging down as far as it would go. Eventually they came up for air, laced their fingers together and walked away, never seeing me. The wall was all that was holding me up at this point and slowly I sank down to the floor.
"Happy and Pepper? I did not see that coming," I said to the empty hallway.
Then the hallway spoke back: "That wasn't how I wanted you to find out."
I looked up, because hallways don't usually talk in my experience, and saw Y/N crouching down in front of me.
"You knew?"
I wasn't sure what hurt more, the new relationship or Y/N keeping it a secret from me.
"I found out a couple days ago, just like this actually. I was trying to figure out how to tell you," Y/N squeezed my ankle sympathetically, "I didn't want to hurt you more. I know what it's like to be in love with someone who you can't have."
"Yeah? How'd that work out for you," I knew I was grasping at straws, nothing in her statement implied a happy ending — happy. Hah. Wish I had picked a different nickname for that traitor now.
"I don't know. He doesn't know I love him."
She stood up and held her hand out to me to help me up. I shook my head and stood up on my own.
"Want to grab lunch?"
I thought about it, but realized I was kind of queasy from having my heart broken again like that, "Nah. Rain check?"
Y/N agreed to grab something later and walked off toward the elevator. I noticed how her hips swayed and how perky her ass was in those slim-fit jeans she was wearing. I realized just how pretty she was for the first time since she joined the team. Then I felt a stab of guilt for looking at another woman like that.
"What the fuck, brain? Pepper's obviously moved on. If I want to look at a hot woman I sure as hell can."
After that it seemed as though everywhere I went I found Y/N hanging out nearby. If I was in my lab with Bruce, she'd come down to help him out with basic lab work for a few hours. When I would go to the gym to work out, she was on the treadmill or lifting weights. During movie nights she would either sit next to me or right across from me. I wasn't sure which one I liked more. If she sat next to me, I could throw my arm across the back of the couch; and during October when we watched scary movies she would end up burrowed into my chest by the end of the movie. If she sat across from me, I'd spend the whole movie watching her sit there and knit.
I'm not stupid. After a while I realized that she was showing up where I was on purpose. She was putting herself where I could see her in the hopes that I'd notice her.
Got to give her credit, it worked. I started having wet dreams starring her and I doing deliciously naughty things to each other. The first time that happened I avoided her for an entire two days; which is really hard to do when someone is chasing you, BTW.
Y/N wasn't being pushy in her pursuit of me. I think she still believed that she couldn't have me as a lover, so would have me as a friend instead. I wasn't sure how to tell her I was starting to see her as a potential lover as well.
I kept seeing Happy and Pepper being a couple all over the Tower. I finally confronted them sometime in early November. It was awkward, but I wished them the best and walked away before they could see through my masks. I was genuinely happy for them, but it still stung a bit. If anyone could see that my brain and my heart didn't agree with each other it was the two of them. They both know me far too well.
Y/N found me an hour later on the roof, sitting on the floor next to the wall, crying one last time over the woman I thought I would marry. I don't know what she saw when I looked at her, but with a quiet, "Oh, Tony," she sat down next to me and wrapped her arms around me and just held me.
I felt her arms around me and a weight lifted off my chest. I let go of Pepper and my dreams of a future with her. I started to think of a future with another woman, a kind woman who was laid back and generous. A woman who told terrible jokes and then laughed so hard at them she couldn't breathe. A woman who I thought felt things for me too.
"I really do hope she and Happy will be happy together. I think I'm ready to move on now."
I felt her tense up beside me, I knew then for sure that I was the man she thought she had unrequited feelings for. I pulled out of her arms, reached in my pocket and pulled out my handkerchief to wipe my face.
"That's great Tony, you're a wonderful man. I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding an equally great woman."
"I actually think I might have, Y/N," I said, looking closely at her face.
She was looking away from me, her lips pressed tightly together. When she looked back at me, smiling, I could tell that the smile was pasted on in an effort to be supportive.
I smiled back, a smile full of happiness and infatuation. Reaching out to grab her chin and leaning forward at the same time, I said, "Her name's Y/N, she's beautiful, kind, and a very good friend who I hope will be more than a friend soon."
It was like the sun rose in her face. Color came into her cheeks and her smile was bright enough to light up Manhattan.
We both leaned forward at the same time and as our lips met I felt like I had found my home at last.