Trying for a Baby
Bucky will never forget the moment he walked into the bathroom to see Tony collapsed on the floor, banging his head against the cabinet.
“Something’s wrong with me, something’s wrong with me,” he sobbed, nearly intelligible.
Bucky immediately swooped down and pulled the genius into his arms. Several things clattered on the floor as the man moved. Bucky looked down to see three pregnancy test sticks with the words ‘Not Pregnant’ in bold.
Bucky sighed and pulled his husband closer. “It’s okay baby, we just have to wait for our time.”
“I’m tired of waiting!” The genius nearly screeched. “It’s been almost two years of trying and waiting and trying and waiting and I'm tired of it! So tired.” Bucky’s heart nearly shattered at the way Tony’s voice broke.
In truth, Bucky was nearly at his limit too. For two years they’ve been hopeful they would get to be dad’s, and every time they had been disappointed. Tony had done tests, taken medicine, so much medicine, but nothing had worked. Every day the genius got older, and at nearly 50, his chances of getting pregnant were getting even slimmer.
The supersoldier gathered up his husband and brought him to lay on the bed. Over the past few months, Tony had been diagnosed with depression and was struggling every day. Bucky was trying hard to support him, but he too was being affected by the multitude of negative pregnancy tests and his husband’s sad mood.
Tony’s cries didn’t stop as they laid in the bed, but Bucky had no more words to offer. It was the same story over and over and he didn’t know what to do anymore.
The supersoldier peeled back Tony’s shirt and gazed at the flat belly sadly. He rested his head on it and used his thumb to rub small circles on the smooth skin. After a while, he felt Tony’s hand entwine in his hair.
It was a week later that Pepper burst into the compound, telling the Avengers the news of her pregnancy, with Happy as the baby’s father. The couple hadn’t thought about how the news would affect Tony in their excitement and Tony put on a good show, but that night, he almost stopped breathing from the non-stop crying. Bucky too was disheartened, learning there would soon be a baby running around the compound and it wouldn’t have Tony’s chocolate eyes or his own long hair.
A few months later, when Tony almost overdosed on pills in his grief over another day of being told he wouldn’t be a daddy, Bucky forced him to stop taking pregnancy tests. Tony fought and screamed and cried, but Bucky knew it was for the best.
Tony’s depression was still present, but without facing the constant failure of his body, he was a bit lighter. Bucky no longer had to force him to eat, to sleep, to live. Things were...okay.
That was, until Tony started throwing up.
Bucky collapsed to his knees when he saw the two bright pink lines staring back at him. The couple had immediately ran to the drug store and bought a whole box of the most expensive pregnancy tests they could find.
All 10 tests said positive.
Bucky and Tony cried.
Tony hired the best doctors he could find and they all confirmed he had a tiny being growing inside him.
The team was incredibly happy for them. The day they got home from their first doctor’s visit, there was a huge party set up in the common room. It was the first time in two years Bucky had actually seen Tony’s smile reach his eyes.
A few weeks later, they spoke to a doctor to talk about the risks of Tony being 50 and pregnant. Bucky wasn’t so happy about the pregnancy anymore.
“Tony, do you understand how much strain this is going to put on your heart? You could die,” Bucky said in hushed tones as the doctor stepped out.
“I don’t care, Bucky,” Tony said firmly. “I want this baby.”
“But the side effects, Tones? You’re not just hurting yourself,” Bucky started flipping through the pamphlet again for the 14th time since it was handed to him a few minutes ago, “I didn’t know all these things could be wrong with the baby.”
“Nothing is going to be wrong with the baby, Buck. They are just telling us all this because there’s a small possibility it could happen. You’re a supersoldier, remember? Our baby is going to be perfect.”
Bucky couldn’t argue with the large smile Tony wore. He wasn’t happy, but Tony was, so that’s what mattered.
A month later when Tony was having dizzy spells, Bucky tried to talk Tony about it, but the large smile told him to leave it.
When Tony was put on oxygen a few weeks later because his lungs could barely handle the extra strain, Bucky tried to talk to Tony about it, but the large smile told him to leave it.
Another month later when Tony collapsed because his heart couldn’t handle the extra blood it was being forced to pump for the second human, Bucky couldn’t handle sitting back anymore.
“Please, baby,” Bucky pleaded. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, massaging Tony’s swollen feet. The man was always tired and spent most of his day laying restlessly in bed.
“No, James. I can’t believe you’re implying I should kill my baby. I can’t lose them.”
“And I can’t lose you!” Bucky had tears pouring down his cheeks. “I can’t Tony.”
Tony was silent as he stared into his husband’s eyes.
“We can adopt, or ask Pepper to carry it, but please. I can’t lose you Tony. I love you so much,” Bucky pleaded softly.
“And I love this baby, Bucky. We worked so hard, please. I can do this, please believe me. I can’t do this without you.”
Bucky sighed, wiping his cheeks. Finally he nodded.
Tony smiled and pulled Bucky onto his lap. Bucky stared eye to eye at the bulge in front of him and prayed it wouldn’t be the reason he ended up a single father.
The next day, Bucky felt guilty about upsetting Tony so he got the boys together and started building a nursery.
Tony and Pepper, her belly significantly larger, sat on the carpet laughing at the men as they tried to figure out how to put together a wooden crib.
After a few hours, the guys joined them on the floor to eat sandwiches. Pepper and Happy had already picked out a name for their baby so the group spent some time joking about what Tony and Bucky should name their kid. Which then led to a debate on which Avenger the baby would like more. The debate ended with the group watching Hawkeye and Falcon wrestle on the floor for their fight of ‘the fun Uncle’. Hawkeye won.
After Pepper left, the group decided to do an impromptu movie night. They all took turns placing hands on Tony’s stomach and whispering to the small fetus inside. Tony held back tears at the love his family had for their newest member.
After the nursery was done, the group was anxious to fill it up with supplies so they all took a trip to the mall. Bucky pushed his husband in a wheelchair- his health declining so much it was hard for him to even walk long distances without feeling fatigued. The group bought diapers and bottles and pacifiers and toys. They even picked out Avengers onesies, much to Tony’s glee.
Bucky wished he could have burned the smile Tony wore into his head because he didn’t realize how quickly it could leave.
That night at 2am, Bucky woke to screaming at his side. He jumped up, immediately on alert, preparing to grab his gun from under the mattress.
He felt the bed tremble and he looked over to see Tony curled into himself grasping his stomach tightly. “Bu-Bu-Buc...Bucky!” The genius hiccuped.
The supersoldier’s heart was pounding as took in the scene, trying to figure out what was wrong. “Baby, what’s wrong? What’s happening?” He tried to uncurl Tony but the genius started screaming at the movement.
“H-hurts, hurts so bad,” he sobbed. Tony’s back was tense in pain and his stomach red from the way the man was gripping it.
Bucky noticed the damage Tony was doing to his stomach so he quickly removed the genius’ tense grip. Bucky pulled back the sheets and froze. Tony’s bottom half and the sheets underneath him were drenched in blood- a worrying amount. Bucky only took a second to take it all in before he started screaming. “Help! Help, please! Someone!” He barely noticed the tears that were falling down his cheeks.
After calling for help all his energy seemed to evaporate so he collapsed on the bed, pulling Tony in his arms, and cried.
He barely noticed the Avengers running into the room, shock on their faces. He barely noticed Steve carrying Tony to the car because his husband was in such intense pain he couldn’t even walk. He barely noticed Sam and Clint helping him follow the pair because he was in so much of a shock he couldn’t even think. He barely remembered Tony being whisked away to the ER, a trail of blood left on the hallway floor. He barely remembered sitting in the waiting room for hours, nails bitten to the numbs.
But he does remember Tony’s screams as fought the pain of contractions, knowing what all the blood meant. “I killed them, I killed my baby.”
A week later, Bucky helped Tony walk to the front door of the compound, having just been released from the hospital. The genius was shaky and pale as he shuffled from the car. He forced the soldier to stop as he went to pull the door open. “I was supposed to come home with a baby,” he said softly.
Bucky’s heart broke again and he melted, pulling Tony to his chest. “I know, baby, I know.”
“I feel so empty, Bucky,” Tony whispered, so low the soldier almost missed it. “How are we supposed to walk in there, with nothing in our arms? How are we supposed to go into the nursery and not have a baby to put in it? H-how are we s-suposed to b-breathe-”
“Hey, hey, baby, look at me. Look at me Tones,” Bucky said as the genius broke down. “We will do it together okay? We will keep going on because we have to.”
Tony’s eyes were red and watery but he nodded.
Despite Bucky’s judgement, Tony did go into the nursery. He went in there every day until eventually he started to sleep in there. He wouldn’t allow the others to take anything down, or even remove the crib. He just laid on the floor, thinking about what he almost had.
And Bucky...Bucky laid with him.
Together they laid on the grey carpet, day after day, dreaming about the cries of a newborn lighting up the room.