Brain Cancer
Tony being a supergenius, Steve was used to his boyfriend experiencing headaches and migraines after long days of sciencing. But it wasn’t until one of their Avengers Friday night dinners the suspicion in the pit of his stomach started acting up.
While they usually chose informal restaurants to eat at like Applebees and Fridays, they had decided to try something fancier and eat at a gourmet italian place a few blocks away from the tower. The Avengers were escorted up to the top floor, overlooking the bright city, and seated at a special table. Tony, Bruce, and Sam all wore black suits while he, Bucky, Clint, and Vision wore pale button up shirts and dark pants. Natasha had on a beautiful black dress that complimented her shiny red hair.
They each ordered hard-to-pronounce entrees and red wine. While the Avengers waited for their food, they devoured the table’s breadsticks and told jokes around the table. Steve had noticed Tony, who was usually lively and the center of the party, being unusually quiet. As the dinner went on, the man’s head moved closer and closer to the table and his eyes drooped further and further.
Steve eventually scooted his chair closer to Tony’s and moved his boyfriend’s head to his own shoulder. “Sleepy, baby?” Steve whispered as the others around them talked.
The question seemed to wake Tony up a bit and his fist came up to rub at his eyes not unsimilar to a toddler. “Headache,” Tony muttered. Steve frowned and pulled the man closer to him. A few of the others glanced at them but continued their conversations. Steve pulled out an advil which he had taken to keeping on him since Tony had been having frequent headaches during the last month.
But as the night came to an end, it was obvious the medicine was not helping at all. In fact, Tony’s headache seemed to be worsening with every minute. By the time the Avengers were packing up their food to go, Tony was moaning in pain and flinching at every noise. He quickly threw his credit card on the table as whispered to Steve “Can I wait in the car?”
Steve looked at his boyfriend sadly and nodded. “Let me help you, baby,” he said when Tony moved to get up. The man was trembling and swaying slightly and Steve was worried he was going to pass out. Steve nodded at the Avengers who watched silently and helped Tony walk away from the table. They didn’t get far before Tony’s body collapsed in a seizure.
Tony had never in his life had a seizure so Steve was immediately concerned something was wrong. People don’t just have seizures. Tony disagreed and refused to go to the doctor. Steve should have pushed then, but he didn’t. They ignored Bruce’s concerned pleading to get checked out and simply believed it would never happen again.
Later on, he learned that wasn’t the first and only time Tony had experienced a seizure. Just two days before, they had been in Tony’s workshop when the man suddenly froze in the middle of a conversation. For 10 seconds straight he seemed to stare into space. His eyes were blinking hard and his mouth seemed to be grinding, but Steve chalked it up to him thinking about an equation or something. 10 seconds later, Tony had a split moment of confusion before he resumed the conversation. Thinking back, Steve wondered how many times he saw Tony space out it had actually been an absence seizure.
The next week after Tony’s grand mal seizure at the restaurant, Steve had noticed his boyfriend had...changed.
He became more irritated and cranky. His quick, lighthearted wit Steve had come to love became biting and angry. In two days they had had over five arguments over silly things like putting too much syrup on pancakes. It was weird, but Steve told himself it wasn’t.
Tony’s memory also seemed to become spotty. Simple things like forgetting to call Fury or not remembering the name of streets. Steve tried to tell himself it was normal, but he knew deep down that because of Tony’s eidetic memory, Tony always remembered things like this, and his inability to call Fury was more because he simply didn’t want to rather than forgetfulness. It wasn’t until the genius came running upstairs frightenedly inquiring about Jarvis’ whereabouts that Steve considered the idea something might be wrong.
Tony also became way more tired than usual. The man was known to stay up for days running on only coffee and energy bars, but soon it was normal to see him sleeping on the couch in the middle of the day or going to bed before they even sat down for dinner. Steve told himself Tony was just working harder and therefore becoming more tired, but even he had trouble trying to convince himself to believe the fabrication.
It was when Steve rushed home after a call from Clint to find Tony in the midst of his third seizure, they finally decided to force him to the doctor.
Brain cancer, the doctor told them.
Steve’s world shattered at the words. He could tell Tony was trying to remain strong, but after learning his mind would be leaving him and actually feeling the effects, it was becoming harder for him to stay optimistic. Tony’s brain was who he was, it’s what made him Tony Stark. Tony considered his body just a transport to carry his mind place to place and to learn he would be slowly losing the capabilities of his favorite organ, it was hard.
Tony went through three rounds of chemotherapy before he quit. Even though Steve knew the medicine was potentially life-saving, he agreed with Tony’s decision. The three weeks of chemo Tony went through were probably the hardest three weeks of his life. Tony had horrible side effects from the medicine due to large doses he was required for his type of cancer.
He vomited constantly, and when he wasn’t attached to the toilet, he was having intense nausea. His hair fell out, which caused a big breakdown. He had intense mouth sores. They tried ice chips and mouthwash and medicines but it didn’t help much. Because it was so painful to have anything in his mouth, Tony lost insane amounts of weight with his refusal to eat. It was until Bruce gave him the ultimatum of eating or getting a feeding tube that Tony finally forced himself to consume something. But even the protein shakes and food supplements did not help him gain the weight back. Steve hated the reminder of Tony’s sickness every time he removed his clothes to see the sickly emaciated frame.
Tony also lost the ability to move by himself. The tumor messed with balance and the chemo made his limbs weaker and joints achy. Tony tried to hide his struggles until Steve heard him slip and fall while trying to leave the shower. Luckily he was okay, but it was opening Steve’s eyes even more on how not okay Tony was becoming.
When Tony stopped chemo, they were able to pretend things were okay for about a month and a half. He stopped vomiting, his mouth sores disappeared, even his hair grew back a little. He was able to move around better with the medicine not draining his energy and causing him pain. They took this time to travel and simply enjoy the time they had left together. Steve was able to pretend like things were okay, things were normal. Until one day Tony couldn’t see.
Steve was sitting on the couch watching a history documentary. All the Avengers were on their respective floors, either training, sleeping, or doing an experiment. Tony was taking a nap because even though he stopped chemo his chronic fatigue never left. Steve was right in the middle of the whiskey rebellion when he heard his name being called. Well, it was more like a scream. It was followed by a thud that had Steve racing to the bedroom.
He found Tony on the ground seizing violently. His eyes were wide open but unmoving as his body shook tightly. It was not like his typical spasm-like seizures where his body seemed to clench and unclench rhythmically, this one looked painful the way his body was held stiff and simply shook and jerked. Tony’s mouth was frothing and his neck was thrown back as he grunted. Steve slid a pillow under Tony’s head and sat down next to the shaking man. He rubbed Tony’s hair gently, hoping the unsettling grunts would stop but it didn’t help.
Just as the seizure went into the fourth minute, Tony’s body finally started to slow it’s shaking and his limbs became less tense. Tony continued breathing heavy and even when the shaking finished, his fingers continued to twitch. “It’s okay baby, you’re okay,” Steve whispered as he waited for Tony to come out of it.
“There’s my pretty genius,” Steve smiled as Tony finally blinked awake. He frowned when Tony started blinking frantically and his breathing picked up.
“Can’t see,” Tony slurred. His fists came up to rub at his eyes and Steve caught them, prompting a whimper out of Tony.
“It’s okay, baby,” Steve said calmly. “It’s probably just the seizure, take a nap and you should feel better when you wake up.” Steve's heart was in his throat but he didn’t want Tony to panic.
He counted it as a win when Tony’s breathing slowed and he nodded. Steve pulled the man up by his armpits and frowned when Tony’s body seemed to slump like it couldn’t hold itself up. Once again he told himself it was because Tony was sleepy after the seizure, which was likely to be true.
But when the man woke up still blind and unable to even get up out of the bed on his own, he rushed Tony to the oncologist. Luckily, the blindness was only temporary but it did mean that the brain tumor was spreading. They took the news of Tony’s cancer getting worse badly. Steve and the team were devastated and could not keep the constant sadness off their faces. Tony went through several phases of emotions but the main one seemed to be anger. Steve totally understood though. Tony had gone through hell all of his life and when he finally was able to settle down with a job he likes, a man he loves, and a family he has to lose it all. It wasn’t fair.
Steve will never forget Tony’s only breakdown. It was about three months after Tony’s blind episode. Tony had regained his vision back about two days after but he would randomly have blind episodes often and he started having problems with his normal vision. Three months after the episode Tony required permanent glasses since his vision was so bad. All of Tony’s symptoms had returned and were getting even worse than Steve could have imagined. But this particular day was one of Tony’s bad days where all the symptoms were at their worst.
It started when Tony woke up groaning in pain. Tony’s fatigue kept him sleeping until at least 1pm every day, so Steve was already up when he heard Tony’s cries. He rushed in to see Tony’s muscles clenched rigidly and in particular his legs seemed to be kicking out in painful spasms. Steve climbed on the bed and started massaging the tight limbs. Tony’s legs were often painful to the touch so he used a light hand to massage out the tense muscles. He knew it was going to be a bad day because even after the 30 minute massage, Tony’s legs were still hurting badly.
Steve decided to give Tony a Epsom salt bath, hoping it would help relax his muscles. He carried the man bridal style into the bathroom and set everything up. In his painful state, Tony could not do much but shiver in Steve’s lap in the warm tub as the man helped him relax.
Another tell that it was a bad day was Tony’s speech. While on a good day the man had a small lisp, today his slurred words were almost unintelligible. In addition, he was deep in his brain fog. While Tony’s genius mind had an incredibly large vocabulary, today he forgot simple words like ‘sleep’, ‘bath’, and ‘food’. This was nothing compared to the heartbreak Steve felt when every so often Tony’s eyes would glaze over and he would mutter “Look dad, I found Captain America. Are you proud of me now?” Steve would hold back tears and say back “I am, I am so proud of you Tony. I’ve always been.” Tony’s smile would light up the room.
After the bath, Steve dried Tony and got him dressed. He put Tony in comfy sweatpants and his favorite AC/DC shirt that was now extremely oversized due to Tony’s immense weight loss. Tony had been having breathing problems, another sign of his body shutting down, so now after sliding on Tony’s fuzzy socks, he had to place an oxygen cannula under Tony’s nose which was attached to a large tank. Finally Steve lifted his boyfriend into his hot rod red wheelchair with gold detailing. He put the tank on the back of the chair and lifted Tony’s frail feet onto the footrest. He placed a blanket onto Tony’s lap, since the man was now easily cold, before bringing him to the common floor for lunch.
Everyone was happy to see the genius and he gave them a large smile. Steve rolled Tony up to the table just as Bruce put two plates in front of them. There was a noticeable contrast with Tony’s plate only containing soft, easy-to-swallow food. Steve alternated between eating and feeding Tony as the group joked and laughed. Tony tried to keep up with the conversation but Steve could tell he was having trouble following with his foggy brain.
Tony was chewing a piece of chicken when he started choking. The horrible sounds alerted the whole table and caused both Steve and Bruce to jump up. Bruce ran behind Tony and hit him on the back several times until a rain of spit and food came out his mouth. Slowly Tony’s face lost it’s red hue and he started breathing deeply again. Steve took his own deep breaths and wiped Tony’s mouth with a cloth. “He needs to see a specialist. They can put in a feeding tube,” Bruce said softly when everyone calmed down.
Steve’s face scrunched in anger. “He doesn’t need to see a specialist, he’s fine,” he snapped. In one quick motion he unlocked Tony’s chair and wheeled him away from the table and back to their bedroom. Tony, who was starting to doze, simply let him.
When Tony was sitting back in the bed, he grabbed the water bottle on the side table and helped Tony take a few sips. Tony whimpered as the water tried to go down his spasming throat. Steve reclined Tony and started gently rubbing his neck to help his throat relax. “It’s okay baby, you’re okay,” he whispered.
Tony finished coughing and looked up at Steve. “It’s not,” he rasped. “It’s not okay.” Steve looked down at the man and found tears in his eyes. “I don’t wanna live like this Stevie. It hurts.” Tony choked on a sob and Steve pulled him closer. He didn’t know what to say to his boyfriend. He couldn’t lose Tony. He just couldn’t. He stayed silent as Tony’s weak fists hit his chest in anger. He stayed silent as the sickly man cried himself to sleep.
Tony received a permanent feeding tube two days later. Hooking Tony up to his bag of food for the first time was when everything really hit him.
Tony was curled on the bed on his side, not because he wanted to, but because his limbs were almost permanently frozen in this tense state no matter how much Steve massaged them loose. He had just had two seizures back to back before the sun had even come up and was now resting with a headache. Bruce had been the one feeding Tony the last few days so today was the first time Steve did it on his own. Tony was still resting as the food traveled to his stomach so Steve decided to forgo his own breakfast and stay with his boyfriend. He was spooned up behind Tony and had the fragile man pulled up to his chest. Tony’s wrists felt like they would break if you squeezed too hard and Steve could wrap his whole hand around Tony’s leg.
Tony’s body was constantly trembling and Steve was so used to it he couldn’t remember a time when Tony was completely still. He learned to live with the constant rumble against his chest and the small vibrations that surged through the bed. Even in sleep, Tony’s body shook with sickness and cold.
So when he woke up wrapped around something cold and still, he immediately screamed with grief.