Ready to Open Your Presents?
Peter panicked as he lifted his pants up. This was the worst possible way for May to find out. As Flash got up, Peter threw his clothes at him. “You need to go.”
Flash immediately understood and got dressed hastily as Peter shuffled to and fro. He had to do a bit of processing himself. His aunt had seen him. Having sex. With a man. He ran to the window to look down at the driveway. May was getting in her car.
“Fuck! Fuck!” Peter exclaimed as he ran to open his door. He hurried down the stairs and to the front door, but by the time he was outside, she was gone. Peter was freaking out, and the only one he could think of to talk to was Steve. This was the worst possible scenario. He didn’t want to end up an orphan again.
Flash came up behind him. “Are you okay?”
Peter shook his head.
“Anything I can do?”
Peter shook his head again. “Just go home, Flash.”
“Alright...Merry Christmas.”
Peter just nodded. He watched Flash walk away and couldn’t help but feel guilty about what he’d done. Not because of the sex, but because he knew he was just using Flash to fill a void. And because he knew that Flash probably expected more from it. Of course, there were more important things to worry about, like his aunt.
Peter went back inside and sat in the living room, staring at the lights of the tree, waiting for the call. The call that would tell him his aunt had gotten in a car accident. Of course, it never came. Instead he received a text from May saying, “Giving you some time to finish up. I’m so sorry again.”
Peter sighed in relief. She didn’t seem to be mad. He knew they would have to have a conversation, but at least she didn’t seem to hate him.
When he finally heard her car back in the driveway, Peter panicked again. He didn’t want to have the conversation just yet. He ran back up to his room and closed the door, waiting cross-legged on his bed. The beating of his heart rocked him slightly back and forth.
Finally May came to his door and knocked. “Yeah?” he answered, a small creak in his voice.
“We should have a talk when you’re free.”
“Okay,” he said, and left it at that. He heard her walk away and then he fell back on his bed. He couldn’t avoid her forever. But for the foreseeable future, he was going to try. He snuck out his bedroom window and climbed down to the first floor when he remembered he needed to buy gifts for his friends. He was too prideful to do it any other way.
The next day was Christmas eve. There was no way to avoid May. He knew she’d be in the kitchen most of the day preparing a dinner almost as big as thanksgiving’s. Peter went downstairs around midday and took a few deep breaths before walking in. He could hear the rattling of some pans already.
In the kitchen, he saw May leaning over and taking some eggs and butter from the fridge. She turned around and saw him. A smile came up on her face and Peter knew everything would be alright. “Morning, sleepyhead,” she said.
“It’s afternoon,” he replied.
“Whatever, you look like you just woke up.”
“I’ve been up for a while. Thinking about stuff.”
“What stuff?” She quickly put her ingredients on the counter, continuing to make whatever she was making.
“Stuff,” Peter said, blushing. “That we have to talk about. Like yesterday for example.”
“Oh, right.” She stopped again and stared at Peter with a sympathetic look on her face. “Again, I’m really sorry. Sometimes I forget you’re an adult now and...of course you’re having sex. I didn’t think twice when I opened your door. It won’t happen again. From now on, I knock beforehand, and if I don’t get an answer, I walk away.”
“Cool,” Peter said, not knowing how to bring up the other part of the conversation he wanted to talk about. “Umm...also, I hope you can be discreet about who you saw with me?”
“Oh,” May said with a surprised look on her face. “Peter, I...as soon as I saw you, I turned around. I didn’t see who you were...with.”
“Oh.” Was he off the hook? Did he not have to have a whole coming out speech? Could he postpone it for longer?
“But since you thought I did...Who was she?” She had a curious smile on her face.
Peter just stood there for a minute, debating with himself whether to tell the truth or avoid the question. Only a minute ago he thought he’d have to ask her to keep Flash a secret and not go around telling anyone that they’d had sex together. A minute ago, he thought May knew he was into guys and that he’d have to explain to her that he was still the same person. And for a minute, he was back in the closet. If he wanted to, he could just walk away now and leave that conversation for another time.
But he didn’t want to. He was tired of having to hide it from her. He was tired of fearing how she would react. He was tired of imagining her death by car accident, especially when she’d been just fine the day before. Maybe Ben’s death was all it was. An accident. That had nothing to do with his sexuality. At the very least, Peter was willing to prove his own theory wrong.
“Actually May...It was a guy.”
May’s smile disappeared and Peter’s whole body tensed as she processed. But then, it returned, in a different way than before. It was a smile of comfort and of realization. A smile of hope. “Oh. Peter. I didn’t know. I mean...I suspected it sometimes. Ben and I talked about it before.”
“You did?” Peter tensed again at that, wondering what Ben’s thoughts had been.
“Yeah, and we knew that no matter what, we’d always love you. We love the gays! Besides--”
“I’m not gay,” Peter interrupted. He wanted to make sure she knew. He didn’t want to be labeled as just another gay guy. He was tired of bisexual erasure. “I’m bisexual. I like both men and women.”
“You didn’t let me finish, Peter,” May said with some sass. “I’m a little gay myself. I guess bisexual too. I’ve been with some girls too, you know. Before I met Ben, but still.”
“Really?” he said, a surprised smile creeping on his face.
“Oh yeah...I wasn’t even drunk either. The first time I was surprised, but...after that It was like the floodgates were opened.”
“Oh, gross, May.”
“What? It’s just sex, Peter. Nothing to be grossed out about.”
“True, I guess…” May walked over to him and gave him a hug. Peter hugged her back and relaxed. The worst was over. He was out to his aunt, and she was surprisingly out to him. All his worries were gone. “Well, now that we’ve talked about what we had to talk about, how about I help you with dinner.”
May let go and her smile disappeared. “Oh, Peter. That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.” Peter’s worry spiked again. She walked back to the counter. “I mean, it was an important conversation that needed to be discussed, and I’m so happy that we can be open with each other like this. Truly, Peter. I love you and I’m so glad you were able to come out to me and we can talk about our sex lives with each other. But there’s another conversation we need to have, and I don’t think we can have it until after dinner. If that’s okay?” Peter nodded in understanding. He was worried, but she was asking for a postponement.
Peter relaxed again, or he tried to. He didn’t have to worry until after dinner. So he pushed the feelings away and helped May cook and clean and set everything up. When the food was ready, they ate, again having made so much that it would last them the rest of the week.
Peter put his fork down when he was done and stared at his aunt. She knew immediately why and nodded. “Alright,” she said. “Please don’t hate me. I’ve just...This is something I’ve been considering for the last few months because...Well, things are just not the same anymore. Without Ben, without you...I’m lonely. And not in a sexually frustrated way either. I just...I miss having you around. I’m literally all alone in this big empty house. I invite friends over, but at the end of the night, I’m all alone again. It’s terrifying. It’s cold. It’s depressing.” She paused to have a sip of wine. “I’m thinking about selling the house, Peter. But I wanted to tell you before I start the process.”
Peter was devastated. This was his home. This was their home. This was Ben’s home. He didn’t want to think about ever leaving this house. He’d had many daydreams imagining himself living in this house for the rest of his life. He’d daydreamed of his children inheriting this house. He couldn’t let May do it. “May, you can’t. Please. You can’t.”
“I’m sorry,” she replied. “But you just don’t know how lonely it is. You don’t know how big this house feels when you have to come home to it to find that no one is waiting up for you.”
“May, this place is my childhood. This house is my future. It holds so many memories. Of Ben.”
“All his stuff is in the attic. Just gathering dust. I don’t even go up there anymore to look through any of it. I miss him and I miss you but pictures and boxes can always be moved. This place doesn’t feel like home anymore.”
“So, what? You sell the house and then move where?”
“Closer to you. A smaller place we can share or...somewhere I can just visit you.”
“What about your job?”
“I’ll have to find one in Marvel City, but hospitals are always in need of nurses.”
“So you’ve really thought this out…”
“Yes, Peter. I’ve had nothing but time to think it out.”
Peter nodded, sadly, his eyes tearing up a bit. He didn’t want to say goodbye to this house. He didn’t want to say goodbye to Ben. He quietly got up and left the room without saying anything. As he headed up the stairs, he heard a heavy sigh from May. Whether it was a sigh of relief or of frustration, he didn’t know. He didn’t care.
He reached the attic and began to look through several boxes full of Ben’s things. He felt closer to the man, knowing that he and May had talked about still loving him even if he was queer. All those years of worrying he wouldn’t approve were all for nothing. He was able to relax and bask in the fact that Ben would’ve loved him no matter what. That Ben’s accident was just an accident and had nothing to do with him or his sexuality.
The next day, Peter woke up and went downstairs. He saw May sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee. They smiled at each other when they made eye contact. “Merry Christmas,” they said in unison and then met for a hug.
“How are you?” May asked.
“I’m good,” he replied. “I’ll be fine. We’ve all got to move on, right?”
“Yes. But Ben will be with us wherever we go. Right in here.” She pointed at his heart. He smiled and nodded. “Ready to open your presents?”
Peter opened his gifts, but saved the mystery one for last. He didn’t know why, but he wanted to keep the mystery going. For all he knew, May had been lying and it was from her. He opened it and inside was a letter and a smaller box. The smaller box held a necklace with a figure of a human heart, encrusted with red jewels all around. Peter thought it was beautiful.
He opened the letter and started reading.
Peter,
First of all, merry Christmas. I hope you’re having a good one. I was debating on whether to get this to you or not, but I knew that if I kept it, all I would think about when I saw it was you. I hope you like it. I hope you don’t hate me. Because I don’t hate you.
I was angry. I felt manipulated and I hate that feeling. And then when you brought Bucky into the conversation, it was as if you were attacking me without knowing all the facts. Bucky was never abusive towards me. That was a different ex. Bucky was my ex, yes, but we ended things because we worked better as friends. He and I will always be nothing more than friends. And that’s how we both want it.
But there was some truth in what you said. I’m not completely over my abusive ex. But that has everything to do with me and how fresh it still is in my head and in my life. It hasn’t even been a year since we broke up. I didn’t want to be with you because I felt it was too soon to jump into something serious. Especially with someone like you with such little experience with relationships. Not that I have much more experience. I just thought that if I could experience the good things with you and give you all the good experiences of being in a relationship, that we could somehow make it work. And if we broke up, you would at least have those happy memories with me instead of the shitty memories I was left with in my previous relationships.
Of course, I realize now that I’m still in a bad place. I still have monsters to deal with. Because I never saw you and me lasting long. I always figured you’d either find someone better or you’d get bored with me. ‘If we broke up’ was always ‘when we broke up’.
I’m not ready for a relationship at all right now. I’m not even ready for a friend with benefits. And you can do so much better than me. I forgive you for lying about your age. I overreacted a bit, probably subconsciously trying to end things because I knew things would end eventually. Ten years is still a big difference to me, but that’s personal. Maybe you’ll find someone else ten years older and make it work. Just be careful.
Now, as for the necklace: I saw it online and bought it drunkenly with you in mind. Because I knew I couldn’t give you my real heart. Or rather, my metaphorical heart. So I bought it as a symbolic heart. I can’t give you my heart, Peter. You’re an amazing man and you deserve so much better. Even if I was worthy, I’m just not in the headspace to be with anyone right now. But I could always use another friend. And if you’ll have me, I think I can make a really great one. So, if you ever want to get in touch, I’ll be here. I hope we can start over in a good spot.
Love, Steve Rogers
Peter read the letter over and over again throughout the day. Part of him was happy that Steve forgave him and wanted to be friends again. Part of him was angry that he had always considered any relationship between them doomed. Part of him was sad that Steve was going through something that he wasn’t able to help him with.
But in the end, Peter knew what he had to do. Just like with the house, just like with Uncle Ben, so with Steve. He had to move on. He knew now that they were never meant to be. And that even if they stayed friends, that he would always want more.
That night, Peter went on instagram and unfollowed CapSteve. Then he went on a texting spree to all the friends he already had, wishing them a merry Christmas. It was time to give them all the attention and love he owed them.
Little did he know, his story with Steve was far from over.