Because I Hated Me
It felt different being back in his hometown. Everything that had mattered only half a year ago didn’t matter anymore. Peter felt like he’d done a lot of growing up in such a small amount of time. He’d even been able to tell his crush that he liked him. He felt like a new person almost. And his town felt like something he had left behind.
Ned hadn’t even been able to make it back for Thanksgiving. He said the plane ticket was too expensive for a holiday that wasn’t even a week long, but that he’d definitely be back for the winter holidays. Michelle was spending the weekend with her girlfriend Gwen Stacy and her family. Peter could just imagine how uncomfortable Michelle would be feeling, being the only person of color among a whole bunch of white people.
The rest of the weekend was mostly quiet. Peter went out and about to see how much had changed around town but there weren’t many changes he could spot other than the usual holiday decorations. Some people already had their lights out.
Peter stopped in front of one house whose decorations were beyond extra. House full of lights. The bay window filled with a brightly decorated tree. Even the outside nature had lights. There was a small projector in front of the house, making it look as if snow was falling. The lights had drawn Peter, but as he looked around, he sensed something familiar about the house. Like he’d been there before, but couldn’t remember when. He wondered who lived there.
Then the front door opened and Peter had a moment of panic as he decided whether to fight or fly. He knew he wasn’t fast enough to do that latter so he stood there, looking down at his shoes, hoping he didn’t look like a creep.
“Parker?”
Peter looked up and saw Flash Thompson with a trash bag in hand. He closed the door and approached him.
“Hey, what’s up?” he asked.
Peter didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t expected to ever see Flash again in his life. “I umm…” Peter replied. “I was just admiring the decorations.”
“Pretty great, huh.”
“Yeah. Very bright. Festive.”
“My parents went all out this year. I had to convince them not to do a rainbow theme, but they wanted as many colors as they could get their hands on.”
“A rainbow theme?” Peter looked back at the house and noticed a pride flag hanging by the door. It was overshadowed by the rest of the decor.
“Yeah I uh...I came out to them. Back around Halloween.”
“Oh.” Peter was even more shocked. Flash Thompson had come out to his parents. Before Peter had come out to his aunt. He was living in an alternate universe. He had to be. Or maybe Flash had done a little growing up of his own. Peter knew he was a fool to think that he alone was moving up and on. Just because he hadn’t thought of the guy for a few months didn’t mean he still didn’t exist and that he wasn’t an actual human being with a life.
Peter realized his response had been less than ideal and it had grown into an awkward silence. He could see in Flash’s face that he had expected something more. But it wasn’t as if Peter was his friend. He had just sucked his dick a couple of times. No big deal. Still, Flash was officially part of the community now and he had to show his support. “Congratulations,” Peter finally said. “Which letter are you? G? B?...L?”
“G…” Flash said, a twinkle of understanding in his eye. “But who knows, maybe I’ll turn out to be T and realize I’m actually L.” They chuckled awkwardly and a silence fell again. “Hey...I just wanted to say...I’m sorry.”
“Oh?”
“For how I was to you in high school. I just...I had a big crush on you. And I didn’t know how to deal with it. It wasn’t enough to just push you away. I had to make you hate me. Because I hated me.”
“Oh.” And suddenly he felt bad for Flash. It all made a little more sense, but it wasn’t as if he wanted to be friends with Flash. This was as far as it would ever go with them as far as Peter was concerned. “Thank you. For apologizing.”
And then there was another silence. Flash took the opportunity to go and throw the trash bag in the bin and Peter considered running off. That seemed to be the end of the conversation anyway. He turned to walk away and then heard, “Hey Peter?” Peter turned around as Flash caught up to him. “I just wanted to say that...If you’re ever back in town again and want to hang out, I’d really like that. I’d like to be your friend. Or whatever.”
Peter knew exactly what he meant. Flash still had a crush on him. “Alright. I’ll see you Flash.”
“Bye Peter. Happy thanksgiving.”
Peter walked away, thinking about how little he cared for Flash. And after seeing how much he’d moved on from this town, Peter didn’t think he’d be seeing much more of Flash anyway. Plus, his mind was still on Steve and how much he wanted to text him.
He didn’t though. He wanted to give Steve the entire week to think about how great they would be together. He wanted Steve to see what it was like to not have him around for a full week and not be in contact with him. He wanted Steve to miss him. He wanted Steve to come to the realization all on his own that he wanted to be with Peter. Because Peter was all in.
Back at home, Peter spent time with May watching movies and eating leftovers. He even got her to play a few board games with him, most of which she won. By Sunday, Peter was ready to go back. Not so much for school, but for his friends. For Steve.
He packed his bags back up and May drove him back to MCU. She didn’t want to let him go again and joked that maybe she would apply to attend MCU as well just so she could be around.
“You already have a degree, Aunt May. Besides, I’ll be back in less than a month,” Peter said.
“I know. I could get another degree. But fine. I’ll hold out for another month. And hey...maybe you’ll be able to bag that girlfriend by then and bring her home.”
“Yeah...maybe.” Peter frowned a bit. Sure, even if Steve ever agreed to date him and be his boyfriend, they could be happy together. But he knew he’d eventually have to come out to May and tell her he was dating a man. It would kill him if she didn’t approve. But he didn’t want anyone else but Steve.
Peter hugged his aunt goodbye after she walked him to his dorm, and she left. At least he had another few weeks to figure out how to come out to her. That is, if he even had to.
“I’m back,” he immediately texted Steve.
“Great,” he replied. “Wanna hangout Friday night?”
“Definitely,” Peter wrote back. “We still doing Tuesday morning?”
“Can’t do Tuesday mornings anymore. Got a new client that’s only free then.”
“Ok. Friday then.”
“Friday. I’ll pick you up.”
Peter was a bit disappointed that his Tuesday mornings with Steve were off the table, but he knew it didn’t mean that he still couldn’t go on his own.
Tuesday morning came and Peter woke up early. He didn’t shower, knowing he could do so when he returned. Since Steve wasn’t picking him up, he figured he didn’t have to smell or look good for anyone. He got dressed and left around 5am. He wanted to see if he could catch the sunrise, though he knew it would take a bit longer to get there since he didn’t have a driver. Peter took the bus and when he got there he could see the sky lightening up a bit.
He hiked to the top as usual and sat on the rock bench, thinking about how different it was to be there by himself. More peaceful sure, but he also felt like something was off. It wasn’t the same without Steve. It felt like his and Steve’s place, not just his place. It had more meaning than that.
Peter didn’t stay long. Even his run down the mountain wasn’t as fun without Steve there. He supposed now that Tuesday morning hikes were over, he’d have to find something else to do, because hiking on his own didn’t do it.
He tried to remember what he did before Tuesday morning hikes and felt like he couldn’t remember. Sleep in? Study? He decided he would have to do the latter, especially with finals coming up in a few weeks. He was set on getting straight As. At least that would keep him distracted from thinking about Steve so much.
Friday came and Peter was nervous. He hadn’t seen Steve in over a week and he wondered if he looked different at all. Maybe Steve had grown a beard or dyed his hair or started wearing glasses. What if he looked different to Steve? He knew he was being absurd. It had only been a week. But he hadn’t gone without seeing him for so long since he’d met him.
Steve had told him to wear something nice, so for an hour, Peter looked through all his nice clothes, not sure what to pick out. He had to call on Scott to help him out again. They settled on a pair of brown slacks and a dark red button up shirt.
“You sure this isn’t too...festive?” Peter asked as he looked in the mirror.
“It’s a dark red, not a Santa red,” Scott replied. “It brings out your eyes. Plus, red is hot. You wanna show him you’re hot, right? You wanna show him what he’s missing out on.”
“But I’m not hot,” Peter said. “I’m just...Peter.”
“Trust me, Petey,” Scott replied. “You’re hot.”
Peter looked in the mirror, not sure that was true at all. Not compared to Steve anyway.