Where the Chips Fall
Peter’s bravery had all but left him. He had taken a chance with Steve and even though he said he needed time, it felt like a rejection. Even a no would have been better than what he got, which was a big old nothing. A non-answer. A wait and see.
That’s all Peter could do. He’d been single for eighteen years so what was a few more weeks? Or would it be months? What if he spent years pining after Steve and they just remained friends? He had to calm down and take a step back.
Steve drove him home in silence. But this time it was different. This time it was awkward. That awkward that Peter hated. The awkward that meant there wasn’t comfort in that car anymore.
When they got to his dorm, Steve parked the car but kept the engine running. Like he wanted to get out of there as fast as Peter did. But Peter knew it would be rude and childish to just run off without saying bye. He turned to Steve and forced himself to smile. “Thanks,” he said. “Have a good night.” He took his seatbelt off and opened the car door.
Steve rushed out of the car as well, heading over to Peter. “Good night, Peter.” He gave him a hug and even that felt different to Peter. It felt like a friendly hug rather than anything else. Peter forced himself to return the hug, hoping it would somehow change Steve’s mind. He hoped they would separate and stare into each other’s eyes and then kiss. He couldn’t help his attraction to the man.
But they didn’t kiss. They just let each other go. Steve said, “See you tomorrow at Quicksilver?”
“Uh, yeah,” Peter answered. He had completely forgotten what day it was. Everything in his body was embarrassed and ashamed. He didn’t feel like going to the bar the next day, but he wasn’t going to tell Steve that. He didn’t want to let him down.
Steve got back in his car but Peter was already walking toward his dorm. He didn’t even want to turn back to see if Steve waved at him. He got to his room and got into bed without even looking to see if Scott was there. He wanted to cry, but didn’t have it in him.
The next day, Peter woke up with a text from the group chat. Carol wanted to invite them over that night for another game night. Peter immediately replied he would be there. At least now he had an excuse to not go to the bar that night.
That evening, Peter and Scott went to Carol and Hope’s apartment and when they got there, Scott went directly to fix everyone a drink. Peter distracted himself on his phone. He had to tell Steve he wasn’t going that night. He’d been putting it off all day.
“You okay, Petey?” Carol asked.
“Hey, only I call him that,” Scott said with faux annoyance in his voice.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Carol replied sarcastically. “I’ll call him something else then like...Li’l P.”
“Not sure if I like that,” Peter said with a small laugh.
“Too bad, Li’l P. It’s your name now,” Carol said, opening the box of the game they were going to play. “But seriously, you okay?”
Peter shrugged as he put his phone away. Part of him didn’t want to say anything. It was no one’s business, especially Carol’s. She never opened up a lot about her feelings unless they were sexual, so why should he open up about his? But then again, maybe if he did open up, she would know she could trust him and maybe she would open up for him. He had to take the chance.
“What does it mean if you ask a guy if he likes you and he says he needs time?” Peter said, hoping Carol had a good answer.
Carol took some cards and began to shuffle them. “Hmm,” she replied. Peter let her think as she shuffled. “I think it means he needs time,” she finally said.
“Or it means he’s waiting to see where the chips fall,” Scott said, handing Peter a drink.
Peter took it, but didn’t drink from it. “What does that mean?” Peter asked.
“It means that maybe he’s seeing someone else,” Scott responded. He took a swig of his own drink and then continued. “And maybe he’s waiting on that person.”
“Waiting on them to what?” Peter was confused and worried.
“Waiting to see if they like him so he can get with them and let you down easy. Or waiting to see if they don’t like him so he has you to fall back on.”
“Oh, Scott, don’t theorize like that,” Carol said, taking another deck to shuffle. “Don’t put negative vibes like that in Li’l P’s head. Listen, if he says he needs time, then he needs time. Don’t rush it. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”
Peter liked Carol’s advice, but he couldn’t help but think about what Scott said. Maybe he was right and Steve had someone on the side he was waiting for. And if that were true, then Peter could also make Steve a second priority.
“Hey, not gonna make it tonight,” he messaged Steve. He was going to apologize, but decided not to. He didn’t have anything to apologize for.
Steve replied, “Okay. We still on for Tuesday morning?”
Peter didn’t know if he wanted to go hiking with him again, but Peter knew if he wanted to make Steve a secondary priority, he had to leave him on read. He focused on the game that Carol was setting up and told himself he would decide about Tuesday later.
Soon after, Hope finally got home and they started playing the game. Once again, Peter had a lot of fun, even if this time he didn’t win. He knew he hadn’t hung out with his friends for a long time, but he somehow missed the fun that they all had together. They were the reason he’d even met Steve in the first place.
That night, Peter decided that he wouldn’t take his friends for granted and that if he went back to the Quicksilver, he would go with them.
“So Steve said he needs time?” Scott asked as they walked back home that night.
“Yeah,” he replied. “But now I’m thinking I should take a step back.”
“Probably. I mean, you’ve only known the guy like what, a month?”
“Yeah a little over a month,” Peter said, thinking of how long ago it seemed he had seen him that first night at the bar. “We’ve just bonded so much and gotten so close.”
“So have we,” Scott said. For a second, Peter thought he was talking about Steve and he wondered if the other guy Steve was waiting on was Scott and that’s why he’d brought that up. “You and me,” Scott clarified.
“Right,” Peter said, getting his thoughts in order. Even if Steve and Scott were involved...Well, there would be no time for them to be involved. Steve had been spending a lot of time with Peter, and Scott had been spending a lot of time with Carol and Hope. It didn’t make sense to Peter any way he thought about it. “But with Steve there’s like...this attraction.”
“‘Cause he’s hot,” Scott said, almost laughing.
“He is, but...there’s something more than that,” Peter said, a little defensively. Peter wasn’t like that. He knew Steve was hot and he liked that about him, but Peter knew he didn’t just like him for his looks. He liked him because he was charming and sweet and gentlemanly. He liked him because he was funny and they had a lot in common. He liked him because they were a good match.
“Okay, Petey, I believe you,” Scott said and left it at that.
The next day, Peter remembered he owed Steve a text. He had thought about it and decided to go on the hike with him on Tuesday. As much as he wanted to make Steve a secondary priority, the exercise he got on the hikes felt good for him and he was clearly putting himself first in that regard.
Tuesday came and Steve picked him up. Peter felt awkward the whole time and didn’t say a lot. Then he felt guilty for not saying a lot, especially when Steve started to also not say a lot. There was a lot of awkward silence and Peter could tell in Steve’s face that he could sense it too. Peter was pulling away because he didn’t want to get hurt. It was impossible with Ned and Michelle because he’d seen them every day, but with Steve, he didn’t have to see him every day. He could even forget to message him and they would never have to talk again. He could forget him before anything even happened.
“Hey, would you want to come over to my place on Saturday?” Steve said, interrupting Peter’s thoughts.
“Oh?” he said, getting internally excited about the question. Did it mean that Steve had made up his mind? That he didn’t need the extra time? Did it mean that the other person had rejected him and Peter was the second choice? Did it mean that Peter was the first choice? Did it mean that Steve felt sorry for Peter and wanted to get rid of the awkwardness by giving in to him?
“Yeah, I’m having a little birthday cookout for my roommate Natasha and...she doesn’t have a lot of friends. It’ll really just be me and her, but...it’d be cool if you came.”
“Oh, umm...yeah.” Of course he wanted to go, but he hesitated because he didn’t know the reason Steve was inviting him. He was suspicious about it, but he wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to see where Steve lived. It was like he was opening a part of himself up to Peter. “What should I bring?”