No, I Like Boys!
Let’s go back and talk about the loss Peter had. Peter had always known he was different. He’d had crushes on girls and crushes on boys but he knew having crushes on boys was...wrong. Well, not wrong, just frowned upon. So he suppressed those feelings, thinking that they weren’t normal and that it was only okay to like girls. He even suppressed liking girly things. Like those wire crowns with the sparkly strands of ribbon or anything remotely pink or purple. He was sad that there was a lot of stuff he had to pretend to not be interested in. But he didn’t want to be made fun of at school or disappoint his parents.
Peter’s parents died in a car accident early through his childhood. His Aunt May and Uncle Ben took him in and practically raised him. He sometimes tried to remember his parents but sometimes those memories blurred into his memories with his aunt and uncle.
He wasn’t sure how anyone would react if they knew he liked boys. He didn’t start to think about it until middle school, when puberty started kicking in and he realized liking boys wasn’t just a silly thought in his head, but an actual reality. He could stare at them all day. He just had to be careful not to get caught.
It was almost like a game to him, stealing glances at the boys in PE with their gym shorts, or in class when a boy directly in his line of vision had really pretty eyes. It was the same with girls, but because he was allowed to stare at them, it wasn’t as fun. Peter liked feeling like he was doing something bad. He was otherwise a really kind and obedient boy. He had to let off steam somehow.
When Michelle came out to him and Ned, it was a very surprising moment. He’d known some people who were out at school, but saw how bullied they were. He didn’t want that to happen to him. But when Michelle came out and people tried to bully her, she wouldn’t take it. She would stand up for herself and lash back. It helped that she was witty and quick with her retorts. She had developed thick skin somehow. Peter didn’t know if he had the courage to be the same way.
But once the shock (and heartbreak) had worn off and he was able to see Michelle for who she really was, he thought that if she had the courage to be that way, he could do it too, seeing as how she was one of his best friends and all. Even Ned had a certain courage about him. Peter felt that he had surrounded himself with such brave people so that no matter where he was attacked, he would be protected. But Peter wanted to be part of that wall of protection, not just cowering behind it.
So one day he kept psyching himself up to come out to his Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Every day he would walk home from school listening to some upbeat music and telling himself he could do it. He was brave. He had a little speech memorized. “Aunt May...Uncle Ben...I’m bisexual. Don’t worry, I’m still the same nephew you know and love. Nothing has changed. It just means that someday I might bring home a boyfriend to meet you instead of a girlfriend. But I could also bring a girlfriend. Either way, I love you both and I hope you don’t think any different of me.”
He never got the chance to give that speech. He practiced it every day for a few weeks thinking he was ready. But every time he got home, there was always an excuse not to do it. Uncle Ben had a bad day at work. Aunt May was out shopping. It’s a Monday and no one can take bad news on a Monday. It’s a Friday and he didn’t want to ruin anyone’s weekend. Silly little dumb excuses that just took the courage right out of him.
And then he got the thought that maybe he should tell them individually instead of both of them at the same time. He knew that whoever he told would tell the other one and then they would probably call a family meeting to talk about it. Maybe that would be worse. Or maybe it would be easier because then he wouldn’t have to do all the work. He was conflicted on what to do.
One day after school near the end of his junior year, Peter got home and decided to talk to May. Except she was nowhere to be found. But he did find his uncle.
“Hey, Uncle Ben,” he said.
“Hey kiddo. How was your day?” his uncle replied.
“It was alright. You seen Aunt May?”
“I believe she’s at church. That time of the month, you know?” It was a joke Uncle Ben and Aunt May liked to tell. When they were younger, they wanted to have children, but they had complications. Aunt May would go to church to pray for a child every month. She wasn’t much of a religious person but she figured anything would help. When they got custody of Peter, they stopped trying to have a child, but May would still go to church every month to pray for her brother and sister in law. It was a tradition she had continued for years. Peter even went a few times with her because he wanted to experience it.
“Right, right. So I guess she won’t be back for a while.” He sounded dejected.
Apparently Uncle Ben noticed this because he replied, “Is something wrong, Pete? Anything I can help with?”
“No, no, I’m fine…” he answered, about to walk away, when he stopped. Why couldn’t he tell Uncle Ben first? The only reason he had thought to talk to May first was because he thought she would take it the best. But if he told Uncle Ben first and he told Aunt May, maybe she would accept him and help Uncle Ben accept him too. “Actually…” He tried to remember the speech he had come up with but he was drawing blanks.
“What’s up? I’m all ears.”
Peter stood there for what seemed like eternity. He could feel himself going red. His head was full of conflicting thoughts again. “Just blurt it out!” “No, walk away!” “He already knows!” “You’ll disappoint him!” “He’ll understand!” “Tell Aunt May first!” He began to tear up a little and Uncle Ben got up from his office chair and hugged Peter.
“Hey, hey, whatever it is, I’m here for you. What is it? Did you get your heart broken? I know you’ve had your eye on that Michelle girl. Did you ask her out? Did she say no? What happened?”
All Peter could do was shake his head at every question. He felt like he was being bombarded with questions that had nothing to do with what he was trying to say and Ben just wasn’t letting him talk. He pulled away from his uncle and just blurted it out. “No, I like boys!”
He looked down at the floor waiting for a response. All he heard was Ben scramble for words. Peter didn’t give him a chance to say anything and just ran to his room, locking the door. The tears came pouring and he buried his face in a pillow to try and silence his wails. Uncle Ben knocked at his door a few times telling him to come out so they could talk. He then received a phone call and told Peter that he would be back because he was going to pick up Aunt May. He told him they would talk when they got back.
Peter just lay in bed angry at himself that he had come out that way. He just sulked in his bed, letting it all out before falling asleep. He awoke to a phone call from Aunt May. He couldn’t imagine there would be anything worse than how he had come out to Uncle Ben. But what Aunt May told him was much much...much worse.
Peter blamed himself for the death of Uncle Ben. Maybe if he hadn’t told him he liked boys, he wouldn’t have been distracted when going to pick up Aunt May. Maybe if he had talked to Uncle Ben before he left, he wouldn’t have been upset and left in such a hurry. Maybe if he had waited to tell Aunt May, it could have all been avoided. He didn’t believe that the car accident Ben was involved in was just that, an accident. It had to have been his fault.
So Peter settled on not coming out to Aunt May. She didn’t need that in her life with everything else going on in it. And really, it was Peter’s life so no one needed to know about who he was sleeping with and who he wasn’t. It was his business and his business only. At least he had Ned and Michelle to vent to and talk to about his feelings.
Still, as Aunt May drove him to his new school with all his belongings in the back of her truck, he couldn’t help but think about it all. He could take the opportunity of being hours in the truck with her and finally have a heart to heart and tell her all his feelings. It would be a good way to say goodbye for now. Or he could keep his mouth shut and not risk freaking her out and causing another car accident that would leave both of them dead.
In the end, he decided to say nothing about it. After he had moved into his new dormroom, he said goodbye to Aunt May, gave her a long hug and a big smooch, and then sat on his mattress. He prayed that night that Aunt May would get back home safe. He didn’t like the idea of her driving for so long alone, but she had insisted and he knew she was a capable enough woman. He didn’t allow himself to relax until she called him to tell him she made it home safe. It was only then that he felt ready to start his new life.