The apartment was dark, the muffled sounds of an ocean hitting the shoreline could be heard escaping from one room. Bora walked into the dark apartment, setting her keys and bag down before walking in to further check on the one person in the apartment.
She pushed the door open, seeing a sleeping figure in the bed. She was happy that her roommate was fast asleep already, glad that her nightlight wasn’t out of battery, and happy that the ocean sounds were keeping her asleep. She let out a happy sigh before heading to her room, deciding to sleep while she could.
Yoohyeon woke early that morning, staying in her bed and scrolling until she really needed to get up. She was in the kitchen a few minutes later, already making herself a bowl of cereal but already skeeving the world. She sat in silence as she ate the first few bites of her breakfast before turning on a show on her phone.
She knew it was a kids’ show, but it entertained her long enough during breakfast. Something cute and adorable for her to enjoy without worries. She liked it.
Bora joined not too long after, seeing her tall best friend already awake and eating cereal. She patted her head on the way to the kitchen, happy that she was awake.
“How did you sleep?” Bora asked. She didn’t get a response, frowning when she turned around and saw Yoohyeon still watching her show. “Yooh!” Bora snapped her fingers, catching the younger girl’s attention. “How did you sleep?” She asked.
“No,” Yoohyeon mumbled before going back to her show.
“No?” Bora frowned, watching her shake her head. “Nightmares again?” She watched Yoohyeon nod her head, and the older woman let out a sigh. “Maybe you need to see someone about them…”
“No.”
“Okay, it was just a suggestion.”
Every morning was the same, Bora helping Yoohyeon get through the morning and eventually make their way to work. Despite how difficult Yoohyeon was in the morning, she knew what she had to do and Bora really was just there to make sure she didn’t crawl back into bed and sleep.
She would get texts throughout the day, complaining about her workload or coworkers, saying how she despised them with every fiber of her being and wished they would just leave her alone. On bad days she would call, being near tears about how overwhelmed she was, and would want to come home. Bora, of course, would tell her to wait out a few more hours and to just get in bed when she got home.
Yoohyeon almost never listened.
On really bad days, Yoohyeon would go into full autopilot, shutting down entirely but still managing. It scared Bora those days. How quiet she would get, still making dinner for the two of them, forcing herself to enjoy their nightly ritual of eating dinner, watching a show, and then parting their ways to their rooms.
Bora would hear her crying and knew she was struggling, but Yoohyeon was clear on their boundaries and that she was perfectly fine. She just had bad days.
Yoohyeon liked the consistency in their relationship. They were the best of friends and she liked that Bora was there every single day. She would tell her about everything, screaming to her about random things she found interesting. Her most recent fascination was her video game and she would sit nearly on top of Bora, showing her every little portion of the game to the older woman.
“And you can plant so many flowers, I only have a few of them, but I’m going to get them all and make a really pretty flower garden!” Yoohyeon smiled while holding her switch.
“That’s really cool… Can you do anything else?” Bora asked, watching Yoohyeon nod her head and continue to talk about the game. She had a large smile on her face, happy that she was showing signs of being happy again.
It had been a nice week of having Yoohyeon smiling and actually wanting to do things. They went from their usual routine to picking out movies, staying up late and just having a great time. Everything was going great. Even Bora was happier and it clearly showed.
But like all good things, they had started to waiver a bit right before the happiness came crashing back down.
“I have a date tonight. I’ll be home late, okay?” Bora explained while they got ready for work together.
“Oh, when are you coming home?” Yoohyeon frowned.
“Late, I’m not sure… We’re going out for dinner after work,” Bora further explained while brushing through her hair.
“Too late to watch shows?” Yoohyeon asked.
“Probably,” Bora sighed.
Yoohyeon had gone through her day, her mind scattered with this sudden new information. She couldn’t keep her focus and ended up having a worse day at work. She came home, almost half expecting Bora to be there, only for the apartment to be empty.
Date night, right.
She went into the kitchen, ignoring the recipe she was supposed to make for dinner and made herself ramen instead. She didn’t want to eat healthily and she certainly didn’t want to be reminded that she had to eat something that was purposely portioned for two people instead of one.
She sat on the floor in the living room, eating her ramen and finding a show to watch. She settled on the kids’ show she always watched during breakfast and let her mind absorb everything from it rather than focus on the horrible feeling she was having.
It was calming in a way. Relaxing only a little bit during her show before she had to clean up and follow her nightly routines. She cleaned her little area, then the kitchen, turning off all the lights before heading down the hall to her room. She flicked on her light, deciding to keep watching her show from her phone while getting ready for bed.
It was late. Very, very late. Yoohyeon felt the exhaustion washing over her the longer she lay on her side, watching the show on her phone. It had been hours since she crawled into bed and she hadn’t heard anything from Bora. Not even a text checking in on her. Until she heard the door chime, signaling someone had input the code and was coming in. She quickly shut her lamp, turned off the phone, and made sure her nightlight kicked on all before rolling over to pretend to be asleep.
She heard the door to her room open a few minutes later, seeing the light seeping into her room. She stayed still, knowing that Bora was watching before the door slowly shut and all of the outside light was gone. Yoohyeon let out a sigh, waiting another twenty minutes before she knew Bora was done with her own nightly routine and was in bed before she whipped her phone back out to keep watching her show.
She didn’t want nightmares again.
It wasn’t healthy to keep working on very little sleep. But she made it work. She exhausted all of her energy, or rather what remained of it, and was barely able to make it home before she sat at her little desk, letting out a sigh.
She decided to just change and crawl into bed, feeling every single negative emotion possible. She was teetering on falling asleep when she felt her phone vibrate, frowning when she saw a ‘be home late’ text from Bora.
When Bora did get home, it was late. She was surprised to see lights still on, the kitchen looked as if it hadn’t been touched at all since it was still clean from the morning but there were no traces of Yoohyeon coming out of her room.
She peeked in the room, seeing her best friend passed out in her bed, lamp on and phone off of the charger. She wondered if she even ate, or if today was one of those bad days since Yoohyeon had been texting her that morning about something that happened.
By morning, Yoohyeon was silent, coasting on full auto pilot as she packed her lunch for the day.
“Did you eat dinner last night?” Bora asked the second she saw Yoohyeon already dressed and ready for work.
Yoohyeon didn’t answer her, only continuing her action and getting everything to fit.
“Yoohyeon.”
The taller woman froze at the tone, knowing Bora was trying to get answers out of her.
“Did you eat dinner last night?” She repeated her question, watching the younger woman shake her head. “Why?”
“You weren’t home…” Yoohyeon simply muttered before going right back to her task.
It had been touch and go, Bora trying to balance everything in their friendship before another late night appeared, leaving Yoohyeon in the dust yet again.
Yoohyeon didn’t know, mainly because Bora failed to message her, but she didn’t want to bother her. Lately she felt as if she was the biggest bother to the older woman.
She was exhausted, leaving just one bowl in the sink and Bora snapped on her. Telling her to wash up when she was done. She left a towel on the floor from her rushing in the morning and Bora made it visibly clear she was angry with the younger woman about the little things Yoohyeon was doing wrong.
It didn’t take much for the younger woman to start to tear up, her mind dragging her to the dark place she had been in for a long time.
She was a burden, a failure, a mistake.
A big one at that.
Yoohyeon tried picking things Bora would like. Things the taller woman was sure she loved. Just to make her happy and not want to stay at work. She assumed she stayed at work longer because she didn’t want to see Yoohyeon. That she would rather sneak in the house after she had long gone to bed just to avoid her.
Three days.
Three days of Yoohyeon trying. Picking the kitchen towels that she knew Bora liked and left them where they were supposed to go. One hanging off the oven door handle and the other off the little hook near the sink. She made sure the kitchen was perfect. The fridge was cleared of old foods, and the living room picked up every single night…
But by the fourth day, Yoohyeon sat on the floor, looking at her phone seeing the time just tick by.
Another late night.
Yoohyeon knew Bora had to see everything. See everything she was doing and yet it wasn’t enough. She broke out into a small sob, realizing that her best friend wasn’t her best friend anymore.
The tall woman stood up from her spot, collecting her phone before walking to her room, deciding to just give up. What was the point of trying so hard? Why was the point of even trying anymore?
Her mind was beyond clouded, at this point it was shrouded with darkness and it was starting to become much more welcoming than anything else.
When she woke up, it was dark. When she got home, it was dark. When she went to bed, it was dark.
Nothing was changing and it was evident.
By the time the weekend hit, Yoohyeon was grateful she didn’t have to work. But she couldn’t find the energy to get out of bed, couldn’t find the energy to even begin to exist.
She lay on her side, tears silently streaming down her face as she stared at the wall next to her bed. She listened to the various sounds of her roommate, knowing she was awake and getting ready for the day. Whatever that entailed.
She heard the shuffling of feet against the tile floor. The doors opened and shut. The sounds of the toilet, the sink and more doors opening and shutting. She heard the shuffling again, this time stopping sooner than she expected. It was only for a few moments, then it continued and then stopped.
Yoohyeon let out a sigh. She didn’t know why she hoped Bora would come into her room and check on her. She had a sick fantasy in her mind that Bora would just come back into her life and make everything go back to the way things used to be.
But it was clearly just a fantasy.
She spent the entirety of the day in bed, only getting up twice to walk the four steps into the bathroom and back. She knew Bora had left and she wasn’t surprised. She would leave too if she were her. Just to get away from herself.
Yoohyeon wasn’t sure when she had fallen asleep, but when she woke up, she heard voices, and she froze. Another person was in her home but then again… if they broke in to steal stuff, then Bora would be angry. But if they came in to kill her… Bora wouldn’t be angry and she could be happier and enjoy the apartment instead of escaping everyday.
She decided to lay on her stomach, shoving her hands under her pillow so she can try and get back to sleep. If the strangers killed her at least she wouldn’t know. She could just go blissfully in her sleep without a care in the world.
But her sleep didn’t last long. She heard her door open, but she was too tired to have a full reaction. The footsteps were muffled because of the carpet, and she felt a small hand on her shoulder.
“Yooh,” Bora’s voice was quiet, gently shaking her awake. “Yoohyeon-ah.”
The younger woman slowly turned her head, looking up at the older with tired eyes.
Bora could see the exhaustion littered all over her face, and immediately frowned.
“Did you eat?” She whispered.
Yoohyeon didn’t answer, choosing to turn away from her and attempt to go back to sleep. No matter what she answered, Bora would be upset. If she ate, she would yell at her for not cleaning well. If she didn’t eat, she would yell at her for not eating. It wasn’t a winning question so she stayed silent. She knew it would end with yelling but she would rather be yelled at for not answering than the other of not eating.
“Come on, let’s get up,” Bora whispered, gently grabbing her arm to pull her up.
Yoohyeon wanted to fight back. Wanted to ask what the point was, but after two days of not really eating, she didn’t have much energy.
She let Bora drag her out of bed, watching her grab her slippers, forcing them on her feet before helping her down the hall. Yoohyeon barely registered the other person in their home, seeing a flash of blonde but not really caring.
“We brought dinner home,” Bora sat Yoohyeon down on the floor next to the coffee table, and that was when Yoohyeon saw the new person sitting across from her.
The woman was gorgeous. Well, gorgeous was an understatement. But she had a worried look on her face, but curious eyes. It was clear she was trying not to stare but Yoohyeon assumed she probably looked like a wreck.
Which meant Bora would yell at her later for not taking care of herself when this woman left.
“Here,” Bora set a glass down in front of Yoohyeon before the stranger, letting her watch it for a few moments before she shoved a straw in it, letting her take a few sips.
“Is she okay?” The stranger whispered.
“She’ll be fine after she eats,” Bora mumbled while sorting the different containers.
Yoohyeon stayed silent as dinner went on, only taking a little bit of food instead of her normal amount. Enough to keep Bora off her back as she chewed on the different pieces of chicken.
“Yooh, this is Siyeon,” Bora finally introduced. “I’ve been seeing her for a while,” she smiled.
Yoohyeon didn’t say a word. What was she supposed to say? The only thing she was happy about was the fact that this stranger had a name. She glanced back down at her little plate, choosing to just nod once to be polite before picking up the last piece of chicken on her dish so she could leave.
“It’s nice to meet you, Bora talks a lot about you,” Siyeon finally spoke, trying to start a conversation, but failing.
Yoohyeon stayed quiet, not sure why her roommate felt the need to talk about her. Maybe to vent. Bora had been under a lot of stress lately… At least she assumed she was since she hadn’t been home or doing much. She knew that she was a lot to handle, maybe that’s why Siyeon knew so much about her already… Bora told her how horrible she was and now this stranger had a terrible view of her.
And she was trying to be nice just to save face.
Now it was making sense.
She decided she was done, setting her chopsticks down on her dish before collecting her dirty dishes before leaving the area altogether. She went straight to the kitchen to clean her items, hearing Bora sigh.
Bora sighing meant she did something wrong. Yoohyeon frowned as she cleaned the dishes, not wanting to do anything wrong anymore. It seemed her just walking and breathing was wrong which meant she needed to get out quickly and just leave.
Once the dishes were scrubbed clean and on the rack to dry, she hurried to her room, making sure to not be seen just in case the mere sight of her was wrong. She tried her best to not make a noise by shutting her door, turning the handle incredibly slowly just so it wouldn’t even click shut.
But there was one downside to her room.
It shared a wall with the living room, and being in a cheaper apartment… the walls were thin.
“I know you said she… is different… But me just showing up wasn’t good was it?” Siyeon asked.
“She does well with strangers, at least when I’m around…” Bora sighed. “I’m sorry if she offended you by being rude…”
“No, I honestly didn’t expect to see her. Mainly because of what you said, so it was nice to put a face to her name,” Siyeon sounded happy with her words. Why would she be happy to see Yoohyeon? Yoohyeon wasn’t even happy to see herself.
“She was still rude by not speaking,” Bora muttered. “She could’ve at least said hello.”
Ah, there it was. Bora was angry with her. The slight tone shift and saying she was rude.
“Don’t be so hard on her, she clearly looked tired.”
Yoohyeon did her best to block them out, shoving her head under her pillow and deciding to close her eyes and just let the darkness take over. Her body was heavy, her head was heavy, everything ached and she just wanted it all to end.
She didn’t know she started crying until the sheet below her felt wet. But she didn’t care. She deserved to lay in the mess. She was disgusting and rude and just a horrible person.
All around the most awful person to be around.
She woke up with her head on the pillow instead of under it, saw her night light was on and her phone was plugged in. She wasn’t sure when she fell asleep or if she had done any of those things until she looked over at the end of her bed, seeing Bora seated there, her back against the wall as she slept.
Yoohyeon felt guilt rising from her stomach into her chest. Bora came in and did all of those things and still stayed with her.
But why was she there? Did she want to see if she woke up the next morning? Was she planning on killing her while she slept? Making it look as if it was an accident? She was sure Bora would get off anyway, even if it was an accident. No one would have cared if she left the world anyway.
She felt the guilt rising more, and the more she laid there the more she felt like it wasn’t guilt anymore.
She rushed to the bathroom, unaware of how much noise she made and if she startled Bora awake.
She felt the older woman’s hands pulling back her hair, and she let out choked apologies, crying into the toilet before she ended up laying on the little rug in there while Bora cleaned.
Yoohyeon couldn’t help but silently cry while watching, knowing she did something wrong. Bora looked tired as she cleaned, but she didn’t look annoyed.
“I’m sorry…” Yoohyeon spoke in between sobs. She repeated her words, further worsening her own mind as she continued to cry.
Bora knelt in front of her, helping her sit up before holding her hands to try and calm her down. Yoohyeon didn’t know why she was even trying to help. Why she cared this much about her all of a sudden.
“Yoohyeon, please… listen to me…” Bora whispered.
Yoohyeon hadn’t even registered that Bora was talking. Great, another thing she did wrong.
“Why are you sorry?” Bora frowned.
“Wrong,” Yoohyeon choked out.
“What was wrong?” Bora whispered.
She was met with more cries, and she let them all out. Bora knew Yoohyeon wouldn’t stop until it was all out, which meant it was going to be a long night.
It was midnight, Bora and Yoohyeon lay in the older woman’s bed, waiting for anything to happen. Yoohyeon clung to her stuffed giraffe plush, trying to find words to match everything in her mind.
“You don’t talk to me anymore…” Bora whispered, pushing a few hairs out of her face. “Your bangs are long… Do you want me to cut them?”
Yoohyeon said nothing while Bora ran her fingers through the front part of her hair, enjoying the feeling briefly before it stopped.
“Yooh… I need you to talk to me…” Bora whispered.
Her voice wasn’t angry. It wasn’t annoyed. It wasn’t even tired. It was more concern than anything.
“I know this week hasn’t been the best…” Bora sighed. “I had a lot going on with work… and Siyeon wanted to get to know me a lot better after our first date…” She whispered. “I know it doesn’t excuse the short fuse I’ve had with you lately… It’s just a lot of work stress,” she explained quietly.
Yoohyeon didn’t say a word, letting every word sink into her brain and process slowly. She didn’t want to misinterpret anything and make Bora angry.
“I know you think too much… Stop thinking and please talk to me…” Bora frowned. “Have you been playing your game?” She asked, hoping the question would get an actual worded answer. Only, she was met with a head shake. “Have you been watching your show? What happened to it recently?” She asked, but was met with another head shake. “What about reading?” Another head shake.
Yoohyeon hadn’t been doing anything that was for her. She was only doing things that would maybe please Bora and make her come home. She couldn’t find the energy to divulge in her own interests and hobbies.
“I’m sorry…” Yoohyeon whispered when she heard the defeated sigh from her best friend.
“Stop.”
The angry tone was back.
“Saying sorry isn’t fixing anything.”
Yoohyeon held her giraffe tighter, hearing the tone get much more prominent now.
“You sit here and do these things that cause me to worry so much. Then you just get violently sick and expect me to be okay?!” Bora shouted. “You haven’t talked in days and all you can say is sorry?!”
Yoohyeon tried her best not to cry, but a few tears slipped and she hated herself for crying like this.
“Great… now you’re crying. It makes me look like an asshole.” She muttered.
Yoohyeon didn’t say any words, only choosing to get out of the bed and leave the room. She ignored Bora’s shouts for her to stop, choosing to continue on to her room and shut herself in. She sat down in front of the door, not bothering to lock it but since her entire weight was against the door, Bora wouldn’t be able to open it.
Her mind screamed at her to just leave and never come back. That everything would be much easier without her. Bora would be happy with this stranger and Yoohyeon would be long forgotten about. It would make the world a better place if she just left. Her being didn’t mean anything to anyone so what was the point?
She scanned her room, thinking of things she could take if she left, but she couldn’t… most of her things were bought by Bora which by that definition they were hers… this apartment was Bora’s… and nothing was really hers except the stuffed giraffe she held and the bag she took the work.
By nightfall, Yoohyeon made her way out, dressed and only very little packed.
Her bag held two changes of clothes, a few extra underwear, a plastic bag with her wallet belongings since her wallet was purchased by Bora, her work things and in her arms was her giraffe.
She didn’t bother to bring her keys because she didn’t expect to come back. Why would she? Clearly, Bora was angry with her and now she could just give Siyeon the ready room.
She made her way down to the bus stop, sitting on the bench while she waited. The sky was pitch black, the lamp above her buzzed loudly with the disgusting yellow light. She knew the night buses took longer, mainly because no one really traveled at night except weird people and those who were drunk.
When the bus did come, Yoohyeon was freezing since she didn’t bring a coat. The coat was bought by Bora therefore not hers. She paid the fare and sat down, not noticing the concerned look the driver gave her.
Yoohyeon watched as the bus drove past everything, taking her all the way into the city where it was much quieter than during the day. Less cars, less people, less everything.
She climbed off the bus, ignoring the concerned questions the driver had. Asking if she was okay and knew where she was going.
She was a young woman out in the city at night.
That just smelled trouble.
Yoohyeon knew exactly where she was going.
A place she hadn’t been in years.
She walked down the vaguely familiar streets, turning corners that were starting to sprout memories she had buried deep in her mind. Ones she didn’t ever want to remember for a while.
She made her way in front of a white building, seeing the lights on in the lobby with a woman seated behind the desk. A security guard sat across the room, chatting about something Yoohyeon couldn’t hear but she could see the woman smiling and replying before both of them laughed.
A warm feeling sparked in her chest.
The same woman from years ago that helped her the first time. The same woman who showed her kindness.
She pushed the door open, hating that she was interrupting a conversation. She watched as the security guard glanced over at her, and it made her nervous, causing her to stop in her tracks the second she was in the building.
“Yoohyeonie?” The woman frowned, immediately standing up to rush over to the younger. “What happened?” She whispered when she saw the tears building in her eyes.
“Help…” Yoohyeon whispered before letting the tears fall.
“I’ll help you… come on, let’s get you inside.” The woman whispered. “Hyun, can you get the door?”
“Yeah, yeah.” The guard was quick to scan his badge, pushing the door open to the back rooms, showing a larger area with different doors. “Are you going to be okay on your own Minji?” The guard asked.
“I will. Keep an eye on the desk for me,” Minji spoke calmly and quickly before leading Yoohyeon to a different area.
It was quiet in the small office, Yoohyeon sat on the other side of the desk, watching Minji tap away at her computer.
“Oh good, your file is still here,” Minji sighed in relief. “Okay… this speeds up the process,” she smiled, glancing at Yoohyeon.
She went back to opening things she needed, typing away and drafting her formal report while asking Yoohyeon the more important questions.
“Were you in immediate danger?” Minji asked, watching her shake her head. “Verbal answers Hyeonie,” She urged.
“No.”
“Verbal, physical, emotional manipulation or any other abuse tactics?”
“No..”
“Hyeon.”
“No.” She shook her head. It was her fault Bora was angry with her and avoiding her.
“Okay…” Minji sighed.
After another twenty minutes, Minji was able to escort her to a small room. It had a thin bed, a sink and a little area that was blocked off with a curtain that held a sink and toilet.
“I have to search your bag Hyeon,” Minji frowned while holding out her hand.
Yoohyeon gave her the bag without a second thought, watching her sort through everything and set it on the bed.
“What is all of this?” Minji frowned when she pulled out folders full of papers and documents.
“My work stuff,” Yoohyeon answered quietly.
“Oh, good. You have a job.” She placed everything that seemed work related together, finding a badge and placing it on top. “A very good one in fact…” she muttered.
Yoohyeon stepped further inside, taking a seat at the edge of the thin bed before looking at her giraffe. It was worn down, patches of fur missing and a tear on its face.
“You’re all set, Yooh,” Minji held her hand out, letting Yoohyeon set the giraffe in her hands before she briefly squished it, making sure nothing was in it. “I can fix this if you’d like,” She whispered while handing the giraffe back.
“It’s okay… I don’t want… want to bother you…” Yoohyeon mumbled.
“You’re not a bother. I promise,” Minji placed her hand on Yoohyeon’s cheek, giving it a slight rub with her thumb before leaving her alone for the night. “Breakfast is at seven, your blankets and pillow are in the cabinet… I’ll meet with you tomorrow in the evening when I get on my shift again, okay?”
“Okay,” Yoohyeon whispered.
She didn’t expect to sit back in the shelter only a few years after she left, but it was the only place she could think of after leaving. A place where Bora couldn’t be mad at her. A place where she can start to learn to be good again.
Hopefully, she wouldn’t make Bora angry by leaving. But at least this way she can’t anger her anymore.