Drabbles

Peter: 51 looks like SI.

Peter: Therefore Area 51 is actually owned by Tony Stark.

Tony: 

Tony: Somehow you got the correct outcome from a wildly unscientifically method

Peter: I'm just good like that.

Peter: 

Peter: Wait, WHAT?

Tony: Peter has never done anything wrong in his life, ever.

Peter, thinking about all the times he cheated in Heads Up 7 Up by looking at the shoes of the people who touched his thumb: Don't say that, Mr. Stark. You dont know what I've done, what I've had to do.

After FFH

Peter: Listen, fuck trains.

Bucky: This guy gets it.

Kidnapper, over the phone: We have your son.

Villain: *Points gun at Tony and Peter*

Villain: Give me all your money if you want to live!

Tony: Bold of you to assume I want to live.

Peter: Bold of you to assume I have money.

Stephen, getting shot: Guys, now is not the time.

Peter: Do you ever just wanna chew water?

Peter: Doctor dad is really mad at you.

Harley: Hmmm. Can I fix it?

Peter: No, but you can make it worse.

Harley: Okay, I’ll try that.

Villian: Time to die, Spider-Man

Peter: Okay, yeah, hold up

Villian:

Peter texting his loved ones goodbye:

Villian:

Peter:

Peter: Okay, good, go.

Avengers: *Just sitting to the couch, watching TV*

Peter:

Peter: Does anybody else like think about how Rhodes and Tony’s nicknames for each other are just the last few letters of their real names swapped?

Avengers:

Peter: Like his real name is Rhodes and it’s like Tones and his nickname Rhodey and it’s like Tony’s real name?

Rhodey:

Tony:

Peter: Which is Tony

Tony:

Tony: Huh

Thanos: *Calls Peter an insect*

Peter: wElL tEcHnIcAlLy SpIdErS aRe ArAcHnIdS mR. tHaNoS gRaPe PaNiNi-ChInNeD pSyChOpAtH

Tony, having a heart attack: PETER NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR SMARTASSERY

Fury: *tries to recruit Peter*

Tony's ghost, hitting Fury with a broom: Get! The! Fuck! Away! From! Him! You! Bald! Pirate!

Fury, pointing to his eyepatch: You see this? This is what happens when you trust someone

Peter: One of my moms said you lost it to a weird fluffy-cat-thing.

Fury:

Fury: God fucking damnit Carol-

Tony, creating his will: ...and to Peter Benjamin Parker I give the worlds coolest shades because god knows the boy has no fashion sense

Tony's lawyer: You wanna give who what why now?

Peter: What’s your name?

Peter: *has another bad and dangerous idea*

Tony, waking up in cold sweat: Something is wrong.

Peter, lying on his stomach with his face in his pillow while ned is sitting on the bed next to him: ...and then I called him “dad.”

Tony, trying not to cry: ...and then he called me "dad."

On the phone

Tony: How would you rate your pain?

Peter, looking at the knife in his stomach: Zero stars, would not recommend.

After a horrible battle against giant lizards. Back at Stark Tower.

Steve Rogers ruffling Peter's hair: Aren't you a little young to be an Avenger?

Peter running on 12 red bulls, only slept nine hours total in the last WEEK, and now knows the taste of lizard blood: Aren't you a little old to be alive?

Steve shocked:

Tony stunned:

Other Avengers mentally freaking out:

Peter: i can fix that for you

Tony: KID-

Peter coming home after an EXHAUSTING patrol. He wants nothing more than watch Star Wars and eat the rest of the gummy worms he had stashed in the fridge. There not in the fridge when he gets there.

Peter, still in costume, goes to the Living room: Anyone Seen my Gummies. I swore I left them in the fridge.

Thor: AHHH Son of Stark, I ate your delightful fruit worms. A bizarre but delicious treat. I see why you enjoy them!

Peter sounding just as calm: Oh. Okay.

Peter: Karen! Active instant kill mode.

Tony jumping up: WAIT-

---

Ten minutes later. 

Tony: What the hell, kid!

(In background, the rest of avengers are trying to put out the couch fire.)

Peter: He at my gummy worms, Mr. Stark!

Tony: So you decide to kill a god!!!!

Peter attending an Avengers meeting led by Steve. Its being going on for what feels like forever. Its been hours. He’s bored out of his mind, and he started to get hungry. He’s barely paying attention anymore. Instead Peter is staring at Hawkeye. Clint is spinning in his chair like a child, flicking paper footballs at people, making funny faces at Steve; the works.

Eventually, everyone starts noticing Peter staring at Clint with a thoughtful look on his face. Scott Lang, sitting next to Clint and the first to notice, finally nudges Hawkeye. Clint notices and gets creeped out.

Steve: You alright there, buddy?

Peter:

Tony glancing up from his phone: Kiddo?

Peter still look dead at Clint, the bored expression still on his face: I should hunt you for sport.

Steve:

Tony:

Thor:

Clint: WHAT THE FUC-

Natasha looking far too amused:

Bruce:

Bucky:

The rest of the Avengers looking horrified:

The only sound in the room is the slow creaking of Scott Lang inching his chair away from Clint

Tony looking at his watch: *sighs* We are passed lunch time.

Tony pulling on Peter’s arm: Come on, kid. Lets go get you a snickers.

Peter not budging, still staring at Clint: Why, Mr. Stark?

Tony: You’re not yourself when you’re hungry, child of the corn

At breakfast table, early in the morning. All the avengers are there, loud and chaotic as ever.

Peter chugging his ninth cup of coffee and can barely keep his eyes opened

Bucky: Hey Spider-Brat, I’m your favorite Avenger right?

Peter: I mean I would sell you, your soul, and your first born child for a Red Bull right now but Go Off, I guess.

Bucky:

Steve:

Other Avengers:

Tony looking up from his tablet: What time did you go to sleep last time, Peter

Bruce: That’s what your concerned about?

Rhodes not bothering to look up from his own tablet: Huh. Scary how much he reminds me of you at that age.

Late night they are processing paperwork or whatever

Peter is in the corners looking half dead and Steve walks past

Steve: *grabs peter’s redbull* youre always drinking so much caffeine. Can’t be good for your brain kiddo.

Peter not looking up from his work: that can of caffeine is the one things stopping me from defenestrating you from the 50th floor of stark towers

Steve: *slowly puts it back down*

Bucky: *asking tony what defenestration means*

Rest of the crew: dead silent

Tony: alright kid that’s enough work for you

Peter coming home from school to find that his secret snack stash has once again been pilfered. Peter going to Avengers hanging out in the living room.

Peter: So random question…

Peter: When I finally snap, do you have a specific way you’d like to be murdered?

Natasha:

Bruce:

Tony pinching his nose: Oh god! Would guys stop eating the kid’s candy. Seriously.

Steve:

Bucky:

Clint: Well if you’re asking, I always wanted-

Tony: NO ONE ANSWER THAT QUESTION

Tony: Peter would you please just go get something from the kitchen.

Peter hisses but backs out of the room slowly.

Sam: …Soooo are we just gonna ignore that he said When

Peter meeting Nick Fury for the first time. They’re in a meeting room with the other Avengers. It’s very early in the morning. Peter is bundled up in his oversized hoodie, hissing whenever someone addresses him. Fury finishes recapping the previous mission.

Fury: -Any questions?

Peter poking his head out of his hoodie like a turtle: How much chalk do you think it would take to outline your body?

Maria blinks unsure what to do:

Tony face palms: Oh my god

The Avengers *mentally screaming*:

Fury slowly putting his gun on the table: Why do you want to know?

Peter tilts his head like a puppy and uses a webshooter to web the gun to him: This is mine now.

And then Peter disappears back into his hoodie.

Tony takes a deep breath:  Kid -

Natasha appearing out of nowhere and scaring the Avengers for the millionth time. Peter is taking a nap on the couch

Clint: Jesus! Nat, I swear next time I’m gonna have some holy water

Natasha: Despite rumors, I’m not the devil.

The avengers all snort.

Natasha: Holy water doesn’t burn me.

Peter waking up momentarily: It burns me.

The Avengers:

Peter: It does.

Steve laughing nervously: Sure it does, Peter

Peter: That’s why May doesn’t take me to church anymore.

Scott whimpers loudly: Oh my god what the heck?

Tony sighing: Go back to sleep, Peter.

Peter: Kay.

Peter snuggles back into his blanket, blissfully aware of just how many Avengers were googling up how to perform an exorcism

Tony wondering how he was gonna stop them.

Rhodey smiling fondly as remembers wearing a cross all through freshman year because scruffy mini-Tony kept hissing every time he was hit by direct sunlight.

Rhodey: Aww

The Avengers on the Quinjet. They just got done fighting Hydra and are finally bringing in Brock Rumlow and a bunch of his goons. Peter, still in his super suit, is exhausted and can barely keep his eyes opened. He is sitting next to Rumlow who has his hands and feet secure.

Sam: You alright there, squirt?

Peter:

Natasha: Spiderling?

Peter: Just thinking.

Tony already started to get worried: About?

Peter: Cannibalism.

The entire quinjet goes silent.

Avengers:

Bad guys:

Random Goon, let’s call him Ted: You-you wanna continue that thought for the group

All eyes go to Ted in surprise.

Ted, the random goon, turns defensive: Oh, I can’t be the only one who wants the giant spider to elaborate on his thoughts about cannibalism

All eyes back to Peter

Peter nodding: I keep wondering… Since I’m technically part spider, if I eat someone, is it still considered cannibalism?

Sam:

Natasha:

Peter: Also no relation the previous sentence but I’m a little hungry.

Rest of the Avengers:

Brock Rumlow: Can I change seats?

Bucky: Nah, you’re good.

Sam and Clint in the kitchen. Neither notice Peter on the ceiling eating Doritos.

Sam: You sure you want to bring your kids here?

Clint: Yeah, I want them to get to know all my family.

Clint: Plus Laura will snap if she doesn’t get a break soon.

Sam: I’m just sayin’, this place ain’t exactly normal

Peter: What is normal to the spider is chaos to the fly

Peter: Why are you screaming?

Peter playing video games. He’s been at the same level for hours trying to beat it and has gotten agitated. A few of the other Avengers are talking loudly in the same room.

Steve: Oh come on! I have fun.

Sam: Going on runs does not count as fun.

Steve grumbles: I think they’re fun.

Peter rolls his eyes.

Steve: I literally lead top secret missions.

Bucky: Missions are work. Work is not fun.

Natasha: You need a life, cap

Steve: I have a life! I’m hot. I’m cool, right Peter?.

Peter still focused on his game: If you were a spice, you’d be flour

Tony: Friday, remind me to raise Peter’s allowance.

The next morning at breakfast. Peter is trying to eat in peace.

Clint, after hearing about what happened the day before: He has that drawing thing he does.

Clint: He’s artsy.

Steve beaming: Exactly! I draw. I am interesting.

Peter shrugging: Fine. But if you’re going “artsy” then you’re going all the way.

Peter: Someone’s cutting off an ear.

Natasha whipping out her pocket knife: I vote the left one.

Tony sighs.

Fifteen minutes later:

Tony: Kid, there is only so many times you can make Captain America cry before you get labeled a Supervillain.

Peter still waking up: What’s the number?

Tony: That’s not the-Wait!

Tony: Why do you want to know?!!

Peter yawning: I think you know why.

Peter playing video games. He’s been at the same level for hours trying to beat it and has gotten agitated. A few of the other Avengers are talking loudly in the same room.

Steve: Oh come on! I have fun.

Sam: Going on runs does not count as fun.

Steve grumbles: I think they’re fun.

Peter rolls his eyes.

Steve: I literally lead top secret missions.

Bucky: Missions are work. Work is not fun.

Natasha: You need a life, cap

Steve: I have a life! I’m hot. I’m cool, right Peter?.

Peter still focused on his game: If you were a spice, you’d be flour

Tony: Friday, remind me to raise Peter’s allowance.

The next morning at breakfast. Peter is trying to eat in peace.

Clint, after hearing about what happened the day before: He has that drawing thing he does.

Clint: He’s artsy.

Steve beaming: Exactly! I draw. I am interesting.

Peter shrugging: Fine. But if you’re going “artsy” then you’re going all the way.

Peter: Someone’s cutting off an ear.

Natasha whipping out her pocket knife: I vote the left one.

Tony sighs.

Fifteen minutes later:

Tony: Kid, there is only so many times you can make Captain America cry before you get labeled a Supervillain.

Peter still waking up: What’s the number?

Tony: That’s not the-Wait!

Tony: Why do you want to know?!!

Peter yawning: I think you know why.