Yesterday
Almost one year ago -a little bit longer now- Teddy Altman had made the biggest mistake of his life.
One year and three months ago, he had let Billy Kaplan walk away.
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Three years ago
Before there had been anything more, they had been good friends -best ones even. Billy had seen him at their usual comic-shop, and Teddy must have looked so forlorn that he had taken pity on him.
Billy had spoken softly to him, talking about his favorite comic runs and issues, and Teddy had listened, eyes wide, and panic in his eyes.
Billy had noticed but had acted like nothing was amiss, taking the "deer in the headlights"-look in stride until Teddy had slowly lost the defensive posture he had become accustomed to through school.
Half an hour listening to Billy's talking and Teddy was looking directly at the other boy, who had begun to talk about his favorite movie -The Fellowship of the Ring , obviously.
As Teddy listened, he couldn't help but notice the beautiful shade of brown Billy's eyes were, or how gorgeous his black hair looked after he absently combed through them with his hand.
Teddy had grinned then, pushing a few strands of -too long- sandy brown hair out of his face, awfully aware of his ratty clothes and tiny, boney body; But Billy didn't care.
He had returned Teddy's smile easily and gently coaxed him to reveal his name. After he had stuttered out a small "Teddy," his slim arms shaking, Billy's smile grew even wider as he brought up his own name.
"This is going to be an excellent adventure!" Teddy had breathed out, in awe at this lucky twist of fate but turned red at the realization that he had just revealed to Billy how nerdy he was.
Billy had nodded, though, equally excited and was about to say more when a woman -Billy's mom- had knocked on the grimy window of the store.
Teddy's face fell, and to his surprise, Billy looked equally as crushed. Teddy had no time to dwell on how sad it made him to see Billy like this because Billy had done the unexpected. He had quickly taken a pen out of his backpack and had scribbled something on the first page of one of his comics.
"Here's my number," he had said quickly, "so we can plan when to meet for another excellent adventure."
He brushed Teddy's hand while giving him the comic and walked to the door with an apologetic smile on his face. He turned around again when he was out of the door and waved at Teddy, who blushed as he awkwardly raised his hand in return.
"Actually, my favorite movie is The Sound of Music , but don't tell anyone." Teddy nodded, ecstatic that this wonderful boy had just told him a secret. Billy's smile had been blinding, illuminated by the sun around him, and Teddy's heart had beat loudly in his chest.
The next moment, Billy was gone, but the light feeling in Teddy's chest had stayed with him - And with it the thoughts about this boy who hadn't cared for his awkward stance and looks, or that his dad had died. Billy had just cared about Teddy, and that made him go home with a smile.
This was the day he had met Billy Kaplan, and it was the day he had fallen in love for the first -and only- time.
_________________
Three months ago
Teddy was skating down the cobbled streets of the better parts of New York's neighborhoods on his skateboard - not his best idea, frankly.
But he enjoyed the little freedom of skating without having to fear the judging looks of his friends.
He wasn't looking where he was driving -another excellent idea- as he enjoyed the remnants of the warm summer sun
on his skin.
Unsurprisingly, his trip was short-lived as he tripped over a traitorous stone that was sticking up out of the street.
He looked around frantically, awfully aware of all the eyes on him and how idiotic he must have looked. Nobody cared, though, he realized, as he trailed his gaze around for a laughing bystander.
Teddy instantly became aware of where he was, though. It was a part of the city he hadn't been in for a long time -not much had changed in the better part of a year.
He jumped on his board again, suddenly anxious to get out from there as fast as possible. He could maybe meet up with Greg, see what he was up to -just anything to get away...Buildings rushed by in a blur of colorful bricks....
....Teddy stopped dead in his tracks. He was in front of the house...The house he wasn't welcome in anymore.
The walls still had the soft shade of yellow to them they had always had. The wooden steps he had stood on a million times before were still the same -only more wear and tear on them. He could almost see himself walking up there again -what it had felt like ages ago- to meet the love of his...
Teddy felt his chest tighten at the sudden onslaught of well-hidden memories...Flashing moments from a different time. He choked -the feeling of not being able to breathe, assaulting his senses along with unfiltered happy memories.
Teddy shook his head to clear it, his heart beating uncontrollably. He should just leave -leave this place of cursed wonderful memories- but a soft light was coming from the inside of *the* room, and Teddy's hands trembled at the chance -at the chance to see Billy again, just for one single, perfect moment. Maybe the memories would stop then, ceasing to remind him of what -who- he had lost.
But Aaron -Billy's brother- came into view and closed the window's curtains, not aware of the unwelcome guest in front of their home.
Billy must have swapped rooms in the time Teddy had been away. Teddy's heart clenched at the thought that it most likely had been because of him.
Teddy felt his cheeks becoming wet as he looked up to the room where he had spent some of the happiest moments of his life.
Pictures flashed in his mind of the times when he had stood on that stupid porch and had thrown small pebbles at the glass to get Billy's attention...He could still see his smile in front of him and smell the beautiful scent of his skin...Teddy would give anything to have this again -the person that had loved him exactly the way he was.
There was no chance it would happen. He wasn't welcome here anymore -and it was his fault alone... He kicked his board and drove off, but he felt frantic. The deep ache in his heart still strong even after he had brought a safe distance between him and the house.
The memories assaulting his mind still didn't stop. He could still hear Billy's laughter and hear his voice when he told a goofy joke. He could still feel Billy's lips on his own or on his piercings and
He rubbed his ear absently, feeling the absence of the rings he and Billy had loved so much.
Without meaning to, Teddy sobbed.
All he wanted to do was forget. Forget about Billy, about his family and all the happy memories they had made, because it was his fault alone that there wouldn't be any more of them.
_______________
3 years ago
Teddy and Billy had been inseparable after their first meeting in the comic shop, and not one day went by where they didn't see each other. They were fourteen then...Billy and Teddy against the world - together.
It hadn't taken long until their first kiss. They had been sitting on Teddy's bed, where he had proudly shown Billy his newest drawing -Billy as a wizard; strong, beautiful, proud as he faced off against a dragon.
"That's how you see me?" Billy had questioned softly, tracing the drawn lines with his fingertips, his eyes bright with wonder.
Teddy had shrugged helplessly -an awkward mess of thin limbs and too long hair- blushing deeply at the implications of that question. He hadn't been able to look into Billy's eyes then -still the unsure kid from the comic shop- so he didn't notice Billy coming closer until he kissed him.
Teddy's eyes shot wide open, so Billy pulled back immediately, an apology on his lips, looking like he knew Teddy wasn't interested.
-To this day- Teddy didn't know how Billy could have thought that Teddy wouldn't want him when Teddy was an awkward mess, and Billy was...beautiful, amazing, and funny...just Billy Kaplan.
Teddy had kissed him back clumsily, trying to show him that his feelings were returned. Billy had giggled so happily when Teddy had trailed kisses down his neck, which had been stopped by Teddy's mom walking into the room to ask if Billy would stay over for dinner.
Both boys had jumped apart, their chests heaving heavily, skin flushed and glimmering. His mother -bless her heart- hadn't said anything, but from that day on, the door had to be left open.
Billy and Teddy hadn't cared, though. They had each other; If they had been inseparable before, there had was no word for what they had been after their kiss.
Billy had had a permanent smile on his face, walking proudly everywhere he went with Teddy's hand in his. Teddy had loved it, the way Billy had made him feel, and how happy he had made Billy in return.
Teddy had loved Billy, more than he could ever describe, but it didn't change that he was invisible when he went to school.
He knew that Billy would be waiting for him after a long day of being nothing, but he wanted more. He wanted to be loved and adored like the other people at his school.
And Billy, as perfect as ever, had understood and supported him. They had trained to play basketball together- even though Billy hated sports- so Teddy could play for the team at the next try-out.
And it had worked; Teddy had become part of the team. He had been ecstatic; People at school had greeted and joked with him -not at him...He wasn't invisible anymore.
Billy had waited for him after school -like he always did- and had smiled so proudly at him. He had been about to take Teddy's hand, squeezing it as a silent congratulation. Teddy had shaken his head, though, since Greg Norris -the team captain- was waving at him from the school-stairs.
Billy had been quiet on their way home and the days after that. He had been there after school, though, every day, reaching out for Teddy, who had rejected him every time, afraid of the reaction of his new friends.
____________
One year and three months ago
Billy had recently stopped coming over entirely since Teddy had always been busy with basketball and his friends. If Billy had been hurt -and now Teddy could kill himself for not noticing that he had- he stayed silent and kissed Teddy passionately when they met.
After a time, Teddy had felt bad because his time with Billy had become few and far between... his meetings with his new friends taking up most of his time.
He had called Billy over one night then, foolishly trying to combine together the best of both of his worlds. Billy had been reluctant to meet the team -and in hindsight, Teddy knew that he had always been right to feel that way.
They had treated him like he was air, and Teddy hadn't been much better. He had made crude jokes -the kind he knew would make the other's laugh- and Billy had looked at him strangely, his eyes so incredibly sad.
Then the team had brought out alcohol and cigarettes, passing them around. Teddy had taken both, inhaling deeply to show that he could keep up.
He had given the alcohol and cigarettes over to Billy, who had refused vehemently. Billy had looked at Teddy, searching his face for recognition, as if he didn't know him anymore -Billy, the person that had known him better than anybody else.
Teddy hadn't had time to dwell on that, though, because the team had booed at Billy, calling him names for refusing. Teddy hadn't stopped them, too afraid of what they might think, ignoring Billy almost entirely.
Billy had stood up then -without a word, had collected his back- and had turned around, walking away. Teddy had run after him, laughter coming from the other boys as he called after Billy.
Billy -his perfect little Billy, always so strong and proud- had held out his shaking hand. "Tee?" He had whispered softly, looking at Teddy with hope still burning deep within his eyes.
Teddy hadn't answered because Greg was pulling him away, and Teddy had let him, too afraid of losing what he had gained.
"Let that weirdo friend go!"
Billy had turned around, hunched over, pulling his jacket close to his chest, and Teddy could still swear that he heard a sob, a gut-wrenching sound that shook him to the core.
Selfish and ignorant as he had been then, Teddy had believed that he could call Billy in the morning and apologize. But when he had tried calling after recovering from the biggest hangover of his life, no one had picked up. He hadn't even been able to get through.
He had driven over, ringing and begging on the Kaplan's porch, but the door had never opened.
A few days later, he had given up. He had called his friends, asking when the next party would be taking place, pushing Billy -his love and first and only real friend -out of his mind completely...That was a lie. He always thought about Billy, crying in his bed at night -when he was sure nobody would be able to see it.
In the day, he had drowned his regrets in alcohol, throwing up and partying. When he was alone, though, he would take out the first comic Billy had given him -one constant when everything around him had changed- missing the person who had loved him exactly like he was.
____________
3 Months Ago
The house was far behind him already, so why was it that he could see Billy right in front of him?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck....What had he done?! He had always pushed the blame on Billy in his hurt when it had been Teddy's fault alone that things ended.
Teddy was still kicking his board onwards, not caring where he was going, the ache in his heart not letting up. Tears streamed down his face at the painful memories...The ways he had hurt Billy without even realizing it...And for what?!
For a year of dumb decisions, drugs, and parties with friends who wouldn't know his name if he didn't do exactly what they wanted.
For a year of pretending to be someone else.
He drove by an old and ratty phone-booth, with the glass shattered on one side. He could see his reflection there, his face breaking into a million different pieces -and none seeming familiar. He didn't even recognize himself anymore.
Teddy had grown a few inches in the last year, a change out of his control, but he wore his hair short now, like Greg and the rest, because his bangs made him look "faggy”. The metal rings in his ear had vanished too, the holes almost entirely closed now, because they had made him look like a "freaky queer”.
Teddy had loved his long hair and how his mom or Billy would comb through it when he had a bad day at school. The earrings had made him feel like a badass, and Billy had loved them too.
Not even his body itself was his anymore. Broad muscles that shaped every part of his body hid the teen that had looked back at him in his reflection a year ago from view.
His old clothes with printed logos of heroes and villains had landed in the trash because they didn't fit the image of the person he was projecting himself to be.
He wasn't himself anymore -the realization hit himself with full force. He had become a puppet for Greg and the others because he had bent over backward just to be someone he wasn't.
And the worst thing about it was, Teddy didn't like who he had become. Billy had always loved about him how kind he was. He had always believed that Teddy would grow up to be someone who helped people -"Maybe a teacher," he had always said, looking at Teddy with adoration in his ember eyes. What luck that Billy couldn't see him now.
He was mean because he knew his friends liked it when he had made jokes at other people's expense.
He had become loud and brash, prone to getting drunk and smoking when it tasted in his mouth like bile.
His grades, almost always straight A's with Billy's support, had become F's. He would have trouble finding a college after this was over.
The worst thing was, though, what Greg had talked him into all those times. Things that Teddy knew were wrong...stealing a bit of booze here, talking someone into doing something they didn't want to with a charming smile...All so Greg would be happy.
He averted his gaze from the shattered reflection in the glass of the booth, more tears running down his face. Teddy wanted to be himself again and not someone else... He wanted to be someone that could look into Billy's eyes again.
Fuck!!!
His chest heaved with painful sobs, the regret taking up every fiber of his bones...He needed to call Billy, apologize for his stupid mistakes, and be called "Tee" instead of "Ted" again, so everything would feel right once more.
He pushed his jittery hands into his pockets, frantically looking for spare change. He would call, apologize, and explain, plead for a chance to be forgiven.
His hands trembled as he pushed the all-too-familiar number into the grimy buttons of the in-the-wall phone.
He took heaving breaths as the tell-tale beep rang through his ear. Teddy would soon hear one of the voices he had not heard for over a year. What would he say to Billy's brothers, to his dad, his mom -and what would he say when Billy was the one to pick up.
He couldn't do this; he had fucked it all up...
"Hello?" the firm voice of Miss Kaplan said through the phone. Teddy whimpered as more memories hit him of long evenings with him and Billy laughing together with his family, all curled up together in a heap of limbs on the couch.
"Hello? Is everything alright?" Rebecca asked, taking note of Teddy's soft sobs through the phone.
"Theodore? Is that you?" She questioned then, a wave of mixed anger and softness tinting her voice.
Teddy affirmed it with a small wounded sound as little hiccups wrecked his vocal cords.
"Is everything alright, Teddy? "Rebecca's voice became even softer.
"No," Teddy whispered, feeling so awfully sorry of what he had done to Billy and the people he had hurt to be Greg's friend that he felt physically sick.
"I'm so sorry," he said then, after a time, feeling the weight of every one of his words on his tongue.
Rebecca didn't react, but she must have heard that Teddy was sincere -she was awesome like that. "Billy graduates his school with honors on September 13th. We're hosting a little party. Do come. "
Teddy didn't want to. He couldn't bear to see them all again and look at the hate in their eyes when they saw him. But he wanted to see Billy again, to see if he, at least, had stayed true to himself. Even more importantly, Teddy had to at least apologize for what he had done to him. Billy would still hate him afterward, but he deserved to know that Teddy felt terrible -it had taken him long enough.
"I'll be there." Teddy's voice broke, but the words were out in the open now, and there was no way to take them back.
"I was hoping you'd say that." He heard her smile over the phone. "Take care, Theodore."
"You too, Miss Kaplan." He returned, emotions churning up again.
"I'm glad you called." She added before the line went silent.
Teddy let out a stuttered breath.
In three months, he would see Billy again, see who he had become, and, in turn, show who he was. And he would be damned if he was still the boy who he was right now.
He took out his phone, Greg's number the first in his contacts.
"Greg, we have to talk." was all Teddy said before he dropped the call and texted the place and time.
Soon, he would be invisible again, nothing more than a shadow passing through the halls of the school -but that wasn't true. He would be Teddy Altman again -not Ted, one of the school bullies- and that was more than enough if he at least could stand to look in the mirror again. Billy had always thought he was enough, and that was enough for Teddy.
______________
Yesterday
Three months had been over faster than he realized. A lot of things had changed since his call with Rebecca, but it had all been for the better.
Teddy swiped his clammy hands on his jeans as the anxiety crept down to every single fiber of his bones.
Today was the big day - the day he would see the love of his life again- the day he would see Billy again, standing on the porch, his black hair probably as unruly as ever.
Would Billy even recognize him? Would he talk to Teddy if he did? Would he accept Teddy's apology? Teddy could at least look him in the eyes where he wouldn't have been able to just that three months ago -if he even got the chance to apologize.
_____________
Teddy had changed a lot in those weeks. He had broken his ties with Greg and the gang, for one. He had limped home with bruised rips, blue eyes, and cut lips, but he had felt better than in a long time.
In school, he had returned to his status as "nobody," but he finally felt like his own person again -Teddy Altman.
The connection with his mother that he had tethered throughout the last year had slowly improved again as well. There was still uncertainty in their actions towards each other. But he had begun making it all better by telling her everything -everything he had done and how sorry he felt for all of it.
He had put everything into improving his grades to make up for all the stuff he had missed. He had lost his chances of graduating this year, but he would definitely succeed next time and find a decent college.
He had grown out his hair again, but they still were nothing like before he had gotten associated with Greg. When he looked in the mirror, he could at least somehow see the person he was -would be again.
His earrings had to wait, though; he had scraped the last of his money together to give it back to the people he had stolen from.
Teddy had also stopped drinking and smoking, which hadn't been easy, even though he had hated it from the very beginning.
The biggest change, though, was the one he was most proud of. He had started working in the youth center downtown. He helped people now and could show them how to not repeat the mistakes Teddy had rightfully suffered for.
———————
The sun was setting behind the perfect buildings that were characteristic of Billy's neighborhood.
Teddy was almost at the house; he could already hear the laughter from a few houses away.
This was the last time Teddy could indulge in his fantasies...If Teddy had felt incredibly foolish in the last weeks, he had imagined Billy kissing him on the porch after he had accepted Teddy's apology. He imagined how it would feel -if it still felt the same, or different, now that he had changed. He knew that it wouldn't come true -too much had happened between them- and it was Teddy's fault alone. But it was the last chance to even imagine a world where he would be with his "Bee" again.
He stood in front of the Kaplan property, his gift clutched desperately in his hands as he slowly walked up the familiar path to the house. His nerves were thrumming in nervous anticipation. Had the porch always been so incredibly long, or had they changed that some time? But after a few incredibly long steps, he was in front of the door.
And there was the bell, and if he rang it, there was no turning back.
He didn't hesitate, though; he had pushed away his guilt and the much-needed apology for far too long.
The muffled voice of Miss Kaplan cut through the door:" Can you get the door, sweetheart?"
And then Teddy heard the voice that he had feared and wanted to hear for such a long time. He immediately remembered how that voice had felt when Billy had whispered soft words into his skin or how comforting it was to hear it after a bad day at school. It was different now, deeper, but still unmistakeably Billy.
"Of course, mom! Who is it, though? Everybody's here already."
Teddy could see Billy's smaller frame through the milky glass-door. His knees buckled at the sheer amount of emotions coursing through him in anticipation.
Billy opened the door with an easy smile on his face...and Teddy couldn't breathe.
He averted his head downwards because he couldn't stand how beautiful that boy was. He still had the most beautiful smile and the most expressive soft brown eyes. He had cut his hair, still as unruly and wild as ever, but it was short on the sides now. It framed his face perfectly, showing his defined jawline. He even had an earring, and it glittered in the soft light of the September sun.
All Teddy wanted to do was reach out and touch, bridging the gap he had created and make everything up to him.
Teddy must have been quiet for too long since Billy looked at him with a quirked eyebrow, his confusion evident as he crossed his arms over his chest -if Teddy had any doubts, they were gone now- this was still Billy. "Can I help you?"
It hurt. It hurt so much that Billy, the person that had known him better than anyone in the world, didn't recognize him. Teddy let out a wounded sound without meaning to.
"Bee." He whispered desperately; the speech he had rehearsed with his mother vanished from his mind.
There was a sharp intake of breath, coming from Billy's direction -Teddy didn't dare to look up. "Tee?" Billy looked him over again, obviously searching for something familiar with the person in front of him. Teddy looked up hesitantly at the nickname.
Billy's gaze centered on his eyes, just for a moment -recognition, before he looked away, different emotions coloring his voice. "What are you doing here?"
"I-I...Shit, Billy..." Teddy stammered as Billy's expression closed off. "I-I'm here to a-a apologize for everything I did to you."
"It's a bit late for that, don't you think?" Billy shot back neutrally, but Teddy could see that his hands were trembling.
"I'm so incredibly sorry," Teddy whispered. "I know that you can't forgive me, but I want you to know that I have never regretted something more than what I did to you and that I miss you."
"You say that now. But what happens when you decide that I'm not enough for you again?" Billy returned, and Teddy saw the tell-tale tremble of Billy’s lips which had always signaled the he was about to cry. He wanted to reach out and comfort him, but he didn’t, it was his fault that Billy was feeling hurt again.
Teddy was so desperately trying to hold himself together, to remember the words he wanted to say, but the choked sobs ripped themselves out of his throat anyway. He cried then, ugly tears and sobs mixing together -he couldn't even see Billy anymore through all the tears, and the only thing in his ears was his own mantra of "I'm sorry."
Teddy didn't know how long he stood there, hands clutched around the gift like it was a life-line, wishing with everything that he had that Billy would forgive him.
Suddenly, he felt firm arms close around his chest until he was enclosed in the warmth and scent of Billy Kaplan. His touch was slow, hesitant, but he was there -comforting Teddy when he didn't need to.
Teddy let himself fall into the hug, burying his face in the crook of Billy's neck, his sobs slowly turning into soft hiccups. "I'm sorry."
Billy stayed silent, his presence a grounding force like he had always been. Teddy breathed in, Billy's familiar scent enveloping his senses. Shivers wrecked Billy’s body as he held Teddy's much larger form in his arms.
"I miss you too." Billy returned quietly then, hesitantly, after minutes of silence. It wasn't forgiveness per se, but Billy hadn't thrown him out, even if he had every right to do so.
They stayed like that for a while, before Billy grew restless and quickly untangled himself from Teddy, who mourned the loss of contact.
"What have you been up to?" Billy asked then, obviously trying to put some distance between them.
Teddy smiled hesitantly at the question -he was proud of what he had been doing these last few months, and maybe Billy would be proud too.
"I'm working at the Youth Center now to help a few kids who have been feeling pretty down, so I play some Basketball with them since I'm not part of the team anymore." Billy's eyes grew wide at the implications of the answer. Teddy hoped that Billy would understand everything hidden behind these few words. That he would understand that Teddy had broken off things with his so called “friends”, that he was doing what Billy had always believed he could do -helping people. But judging at Billy’s disbelieving and hopeful expression, he got what Teddy was -and wasn’t- saying, like he always had.
Billy’s expression lit a small flame of hope in Teddy’s chest. He could keep going, maybe he hadn’t destroyed everything.
"And I also host the LGBTQ+ group there on Tuesdays -to maybe help the younger ones not to make the same mistakes as I did." The silent ‘with you’ was acknowledged by both of them as Billy looked softly at him; Teddy was almost sure that he even looked proud. Only for a moment, Billy looked at him like he always had -looking at Teddy as if he could do anything.
"That's amazing." He whispered, before he looked away from Teddy’s shy gaze. "I-ehm...Would you like to come in? My mom is throwing a surprise party for my...” Billy said after a moment, his voice breaking as he motioned towards the garden. His hands shook as pointed, so he quickly pushed them into the pockets of his jeans.
"Graduation, I know. "Teddy finished for him. He held out the gift that he had gripped so tightly for what felt like hours.
"You knew? "Billy hesitantly reached for the haphazardly wrapped gift that Teddy had wrapped himself, much to the chagrin of his mother.
"Your mom told me." Teddy rubbed the back of his neck, his mind still all over the place. Even after everything, Billy was always so kind, and Teddy almost felt worse because he felt like he shouldn't be so easily forgiven.
"Why did she do that?" Billy said, looking forlorn as he gently ripped the clumsily glued paper from the glass frame.
"I may have called here a few months ago after I accidentally drove by your home and realized the terrible mistake I made." Teddy returned, deciding for complete and utter honesty. This was the only way to even have a chance to win back Billy -no matter how embarrassing it was.
Billy was about to answer, but all that came out was a low, wounded noise as he looked down at Teddy's gift. He recognized it immediately… It was the comic Billy had given him at their first off-chance meeting, with his number written inside, cleanly protected in a frame.
"You have kept it?" Billy whispered hoarsely. He softly traced the numbers on the cover with his fingertips over the glass.
"It's my absolute favorite thing." Teddy answered honestly. "Even when I changed everything about me, I looked at it last year when I was feeling down, which was pretty often, to be honest, to remember what being happy felt like."
"Being the popular jock is not what people make it out to be?" Billy returned with a smile that played for humor, but Teddy saw the justified bitterness behind the words.
"Being the popular guy means nothing when you can't be yourself anymore." Teddy returned, looking directly into Billy's eyes, speaking out a lesson he should have learned before everything had gone to shit.
"And you are yourself again, then?" ‘Because the last time I saw you, you were someone else?’ - was the implicit part of the question that Teddy picked up on. Billy looked him up and down and stopped on the short hair and the missing metal rings in his ear. Teddy was awfully conscious of his reflection in the glass door under the careful scrutiny. Teddy could have said yes , and with that giving Billy the answer he would want to hear and maybe make him accept his apology. But he wasn't that kind of person anymore. He wouldn't lie and tell anybody what they wanted, just to be accepted -not even when it meant getting Billy back.
"I'm not fully there yet, but I'm giving my best. I don't even think I can fully be this person anymore, but I work hard to be someone that people can look up to. I can't promise that I will be the same as before, because my decisions changed me. But now I'm in a place where I can say I recognize myself again." Teddy answered honestly, bracing himself for Billy's rejection. If Billy wanted to even have him back as a...friend -Teddy didn't even allow himself to think about the possibility of being boyfriends again- then he would want his old friend back...And Teddy couldn't give that to him.
However, Billy didn't look sad or angry; he looked at Teddy with soft eyes that gleamed with warmth. Had this been the answer he wanted to hear? Had this been a test to see if he had grown? It sure seemed like it because Billy gently took his hand. The contact was sweet and felt just as special as it always had. There was still apprehension in Billy's touch, but he had initiated it, and Teddy -even though he still believed that he didn't deserve it- would greedily take it.
Billy pulled him through the house that still smelled like cinnamon all year because Billy always drank his hot chocolate with cinnamon. Teddy absently nodded towards Jeff, who was rummaging in the kitchen. The contact with Billy was enough too leave him dazed. He snapped out of his trance, however, when Billy opened the glass door towards the garden and looked back at Teddy, a nervous smile on his face.
"Hey, everyone, this is..." Billy began with a small wave to the tiny crowd gathered in the garden. He didn’t let go of Teddy’s hand, though!!! But before he could finish, he was stopped by... another Billy?!
"Don't tell me that's who I think it is, Kaplan or I'm totally sure I got all the brains when we were born." Billy Nr. 2 said with a sneer in Teddy's direction.
"Ehrm," Teddy stuttered, "Billy? I know I have been gone a while, but why are there two of you?”
Billy actually laughed out loud at that. “Shut up, Tommy.” The original Billy -was he the original Billy?- called back to Billy Nr.2 -Tommy, apparently, before he turned to Teddy again and pulled him aside a little.
“That’s Tommy,” He said then apologetically, “my twin brother.” Teddy sputtered at that. Not only had Billy a twin, but he had told him about Teddy.
“I met him by chance, because mom and dad wanted to adopt again. He was in the first orphanage he went to and we saw each other. He didn’t believe we were twins, but I didn’t give up. The rest is history.” He explained softly, motioning towards Tommy, ho was eying Teddy suspiciously. It was amazing how Billy could change the life of a person just by giving them a chance. He had done it with Teddy, and with Tommy apparently. Teddy noticed then that Billy was talking again. He tuned in again, committing every bit of Billy to memory, if it was the last time they saw each other.
“…Helped me a lot when things went…After you…guhh!!!” Billy groaned, obviously not knowing how to finish the sentence.
“After I betrayed you, you mean?” Teddy said simply. There was no other way to put it. He had taken all of Billy’s trust and destroyed it and he felt the all-encompassing urge to make everything up to Billy somehow.
“I-I.. No…I mean…Yes.” Billy stuttered, obviously not knowing how to reply to Teddy’s blunt honesty.
“It’s okay, Billy. You can say it like it is. Tommy and you are right to hate me. I’m not sure I’d trust him if he liked me after what I did to you.” Teddy said, gently squeezing Billy’s soft hand. He tried to look into Billy’s amazingly beautiful eyes that he had missed so much, but Billy was avoiding his gaze.
“I don’t…” Billy begun, but before Teddy had a chance to know what he meant, he stopped himself. But he didn’t pry. Billy wasn’t obligated to tell him anything. “How’s your mom?” Billy said then, trying to steer away from the unfinished sentence.
“She is doing better. I let her down, like I let everyone down.” Billy squeezed his hand at that and Teddy was once again floored at how gentle and kind Billy was being to him. “But I’m trying to apologize and make everything better.” Teddy finished, throwing a quick glance into Billy’s direction. “She said that I should wish you all the best. And that she misses you.” Teddy rubbed the back of his neck.
“I miss her too.” Billy said, eyes turning distant, as they always had when he remembered a fond memory.
“Kaplan! Will you fucking send him away now?! You’ve been nice to that asshole long enough.” Tommy called out then, ripping Billy out of his thoughts.
“Thomas Shepperd.” Teddy heard Ms. Kaplans voice shout through the closed door of the house. Billy, making use of the momentary distraction, gently pulled Teddy towards far away the willow tree that adorned their lengthy backyard.
Teddy still remembered all the nights they had reclined there, up against the roots, cuddled up together in a tight embrace. He went with Billy willingly, every moment more precious than the last, because it could be the final one.
Billy pulled him down towards the ground, shielded by the trunk so the party-guests couldn’t see them.
“Your guests. The party…” Teddy begun, hating to potentially cut their time together short, but it was Billy’s party and he didn’t want to destroy another thing for him… Billy shushed him, a determined little frown creasing the space between his brows, which always meant that he had made up his mind.
“I don’t care.” He returned and pushed himself sideways so he was sitting in front of Teddy. This time he wasn’t looking away. He was looking directly into Teddy’s eyes, searching. And -like the first time he had looked into Billy’s eyes in the comic-shop- he was mesmerized.
Before Teddy could stop himself, before he could talk himself out of it in fear of driving away Billy, the person -next to his mother- he loved so much, he spoke:
"I know that I have destroyed everything you have ever felt for me. I know I'm only 17 and that I don't know much at all, but what I know is that I will never love anyone as much as I love you, Billy. I can never make the mistakes I made up to you, but I want you to know that you have and always will mean everything to me. I couldn’t see it then, but I knew you were so incredibly special when spoke to the random lonely kid in the comic-shop and when you let me into your life. I know I’m only 17, but you are the only one for me. I destroyed my chance of having this with you, because I was dumb, because I wanted to be accepted, when the only approval was the one I had from you. I will always love you, Billy Kaplan. You made me who I am, not because I had to change for you, but because you loved me for who I am and I will forever regret not being worthy of that.”
Billy rarely cried. Teddy had seen him do so exactly once, and that was when Teddy had broken his heart. To see Billy crying now, broke something in Teddy. He had never wanted to be the one to make Billy feel like that. He looked so lost, and forlorn, when Billy could normally never be described with words that didn’t speak of determination. Billy always knew what he wanted, so to see him reduced to this, compelled something in Teddy.
He didn’t know if it was welcome or not, but he wrapped his arms around Billy’s smaller frame and held him. Billy didn’t push him away, he grabbed onto him, his hands still fitting perfectly around the back of his neck and cried. “You hurt me so much, Tee.” He whispered, grabbing onto Teddy tightly.
“And I love you too, still. And I appreciate that you’ve apologized but I don’t know if I can forgive you or if we can go back to where we were.” He said after a while, his nose buried in Teddy’s neck, more a familiar gesture than a deliberate move.
“I know that, Bee. You don’t have to forgive me.” Teddy returned softly, his hands brushing through Billy’s hair that still smelled of licorice. He wouldn’t force Billy to anything. Hearing those familiar words again was enough. Billy taking the time talk to him. It was more than he had hoped for.
“Will you give me the time I need to figure it out?” Billy whispered, pulling back, looking into Teddy’s eyes, vulnerable and open.
“All the time you need.” Teddy shot back.
“If we can’t go back to where we were, maybe we can start something new.” Billy said the, the determined frown of his brows told Teddy everything he needed to know…They would find a way.
Three Months Later
Teddy and Billy are lying on the couch. Their shoulders are pressed together in the easy, familiar intimacy they have quickly returned to. Their touches are still hesitant sometimes and there is never more than a drawn-out hug between them. They haven’t crossed that one bridge that seemingly hasn’t been -maybe never will be- repaired. For Teddy, all of this is enough. Being allowed to return into Billy’s life was the most amazing thing on its own.
He will never ask for more. He still loves Billy, and always will, but his choices destroyed things between them and if Billy can never trust him like that again…It will be alright…somehow. He already fears the day when Billy finds another person to call his boyfriend, because Teddy knows in his heart that he will not be able to move on from Billy -he is the one, and he had already found him at the age of 14 in a grimy comic-shop. He will take it though, because all he wants is for Billy to be happy.
Billy is soft and warm against his side. He snores softly as they watch The Sound of Music for the millionth time and his face is close to Teddy’s cheek, unaware of Teddy’s thoughts. Teddy’s arm tightens around Billy’s waist and the soft sleepy hum he gets in return is enough to light up his face in a smile.
Billy’s smell surrounds him: cinnamon, licorice, and the hint of sweat that just intensifies the uniquely wonderful scent that is Billy Kaplan’s very own. He is tired because of his first day at the Youth-center where he has co-hosted the LGBTQ-Group with Teddy. Billy had been all smiles throughout the day and had smiled so proudly at Teddy and the way he had talked to the younger kids. The memory of Billy’s smile alone was enough to force a blush on Teddy’s cheeks.
“What are grinning about, idiot?” Tommy asks then, who had fallen silent throughout the movie, while his feet are dangling over the side, going a mile per minute.
“Just happy.” Teddy shoots back, brushing back a curl out of Billy’s face.
“You’re crazy.” Is all Tommy says, before he turns to the TV again, snuffing when Teddy can’t help but chuckle.
It’s only then that he notices that Billy has awoken and is looking intently at him, his face upturned as he looks into his eyes. Billy’s breath ghosts over his lips. They are close, so incredibly close.
“Sleep well?” Teddy asks breathlessly, his gaze fluttering to Billy’s lips before he can stop himself.
Billy hums an affirmative and before Teddy can even react, he darts in lighting-fast and kisses Teddy hungrily. Teddy gasps but reacts immediately and returns the kiss, letting all his feelings for Billy flow into it. After what feels like an eternity Billy draws back and looks into Teddy’s eyes.
“I’m ready to start something new.”
Teddy is sure that he has never heard something more beautiful than this.