Chapter 3
There’s a lot that only Bucky knows about Steve, and Bucky intends to keep it that way. When he’s drunk, he rants about the library at Alexandria, he’s unhealthily superstitious, and he pours his milk before his cereal like a fucking lunatic. Steve is also, the kindest, most generous person Bucky has ever had the privilege of encountering. Steve has a heart of pure gold, always has, and there’s no doubt in Bucky’s mind that he would be searching through hell and high water for him if their positions were reversed. Hell, he had. The thought amplifies Bucky’s guilt, and self hatred, but he’s not sure he can do anything about it.
The team had locked him out of the opps center and the training room, insisting this be the week Bucky finally actually opened up to his therapist. Instead though, Bucky is hiding out in his bedroom, avoiding the shrink at all costs. He feels useless, and stupid, and he’s hoping a bit of comforting music might help to take the edge off of the sleeplessness behind his eyes. He’s flipping through the stations mindlessly, hoping to find anything he can recognize, when he hears it. “The radio and the telephone, and the movies that we know.May just be passing fancies and in time may go.But, oh my dear, our love is here to stay, together we're going a long, long way.” He freezes, and all of a sudden, Bucky feels like he’s a teenager again.
Bucky’s had a shit day to say the fucking least. He’d been taking on extra shifts at the docks for the past few weeks,trying to save up, and the hard labor has finally caught up to his body.He’s all of 17 years old, but his bones creak like he’s nearing 70. He’s sore as all get out, pain coming from parts of his body he didn’t know could ache, so forgive him if he’s a little snippy. All he wants is to grab Steven Grant Rogers by the neck and pull him into bed for the next 15 hours at least.
When Bucky gets home, on the day before the twins birthday, he hears the party before he sees it. The old radio had been fired up and the opening notes of the charleston seep through the house. Bucky tries to be quiet as he takes off his boots, so as to not disturb them, but when he finally reaches the kitchen, it's clear they are paying him no mind. Bucky’s ma, steve and the girls are caught up in their own little world. Bucky’s ma bounces Margaret happily on her hip, humming to the tune of the song, and laughing at the rest of their family. The twins, each sporting two new french braids they no doubt begged Steve to do as soon as he arrived, are holding hands with each other, bouncing and giggling as they try to keep pace with the music. Becca and Steve though are the funniest picture, what with Steve’s two left feet and insistence he try leading, the pair have their heads thrown back in laughter, trading harmless jabs as they step on each other’s toes. The six of them are making up their own moves and missing the rhythm entirely, but it’s clear they don't care.
It's by no means unusual for Steve to hang around the Barnes residence when Bucky isn’t home, but since he’d taken a job at the grocery store, his visits had become more scarce. Between art school, the store and taking care of Sarah, Steve doesn’t have much time to spare.
It’s never been a secret that Steve is an honorary Barnes, and he always has been. Now though, between Bucky working more hours at the docks, Steve’s job at the grocery and Sarah’s condition, they barely have the opportunity to throw each other a glance, let alone spend any quality time together. Maybe that's why Bucky’s breath hitches, at the sight in the kitchen. Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation beginning to mesh all his thoughts and emotions. Maybe it’s because it's the first time he’s seen Stevie look this carefree since they’d gotten his ma’s diagnosis. Or maybe it’s just the sight of all of his favorite people, so loose, so loving, but he gulps down a heavy lump caught in his throat.Bucky’s enough of a man to admit he fears his eyes glazing over. The room is hot, the air being saturated with heavy love and the late May heat but it’s nothing compared to the warmth Bucky feels in the deepest parts of himself.
Bucky’s ma is the first to spot him in the doorway. She flashes him a mile wide grin before pressing a kiss to Maggie's plump cheek.
“Look who’s home baby!” She whispers to Maggie, who pulls her sticky wet fingers out of her mouth so she can clap in excitement before reaching her arms out towards Bucky.
“Hi Mags!” Bucky manages to squeak out as he takes his baby sister from his mom, pulling his ma in for a side hug and placing butterfly kisses all over Maggie’s face.
At the sound of his voice, he has the twins attention, who drop their hands and turn their giggles towards him instead.
“What do we have going on in here huh? ” He asks, directing the question at no one in particular, as the radio slows to croon out a soft Billie Holliday tune.
“It’s our birthday tomorrow silly! Ma said we can’t have Miss Sarah over for dinner like we usually do, so we’re having his party tonight!” Lottie yells excitedly.
“And Stevie said he’s gotta get home real early so he can take care of Miss Sarah, so we had to start dancing without you, otherwise we wouldn't have had the chance.” Rose continues to explain.
“But Stevie said you wouldn’t be mad, so long as we saved you a slice of cake, so Becca cut you a big piece, just like you like.”
Immediately,Bucky is struck with confusion. Because for as shit of a day that it’s been, he knows what day it is. He’s not a complete piece of shit, contrary to popular belief. He fucking knows it’s the twentieth of may, the day before the girl’s birthday. That’s the whole reason his body aches in the first place, ‘cause he’d been saving up to get the damned sugar to make Lottie and Rose a cake himself.
Sugar ain’t cheap. Never has been, but especially now, with the way things are looking overseas. His ma is an independent woman damn capable of whatever she pleases, but she would have had to do months worth of sewing jobs to afford something like this. Plus, with 5 children during a time like this, the Barnes family is likely using every penny of income they can acquire.
Bucky stills with the realization.
“You bought the twins a birthday cake?”
The words seem to pull Steve out of the giggly trance he’d been sharing with Becca. He winces, as though he knows where Bucky is headed with this line of questioning.
Seeming to also pick up on the newfound tension in the room, Bucky’s ma grabs for Maggie again before ushering the other girls out of the kitchen, claiming bedtime. Becca just rolls her eyes, clearly of the belief that 15 is way too old to go to bed at this hour, but one sharp gaze from their ma, and she’s trudging out of the room too.
Once everyone has left the room but them, Steve folds his arms across his chest, the punk’s signature move he’s looking for a fight.
But Bucky doesn’t want to argue right now. With the day he’s had, and this recent turn of events, a fight with the love of his life is the last thing he needs, but that doesn’t erase the very real hurt he’s feeling in this moment.
“Did you think I wasn’t gonna get one for ‘em” For some reason, Bucky’s upset. And maybe it’s just because he’s fucking tired, the three days of no sleep undoubtedly magnifying his emotions tenfold… but there it is, the crushing feeling that he’s failed, beginning to settle into his bones,
“I was gonna get the girl's a cake babydoll, I promise I wouldn’t have made you pay for one.” He’s pleading for Steve to understand, to have had faith in him.
He’s never been particularly good at being vulnerable, he’s never really had to be. For as deeply as the Rogers and Barnes family are intertwined, where they diverge they differ greatly. Bucky is … well he’s the big brother. He’s always been expected to be the man of the house when his pa is away on business. He’s the one to pick the girls up from school, the one to scare off any of the boys interested in Becca, and when he catches his ma rifling through the empty the savings jar, he’s the shoulder she cries one, before he goes out to the docks the next day to beg for more work. Bucky takes care of his family, that’s just who he is. Always has been.
Steve furrows his brow, and any sign of fight is replaced by confusion.
“Buck, what are you on about?” He asks, but Bucky’s too deep in his own head, dazed, blinking tears away as he stares out the window straight past Steve, before a horrifying realization hits him.
“Honey, you can’t afford sugar! You can barely pay for your ma and your medication!” And oh God. If Bucky had felt like absolute shit before, he feels like the biggest failure to ever live now.The idea of Sarah and Steve going without, just because Bucky couldn’t get his shit together makes him want to sink through the floor. Before Bucky’s able to fully process what he’s done to the Rogers family, he feels the familiar touch of a soft small hand on his cheek.
When Bucky meets Steve’s eyes, he’s half expecting to see the anger and hatred Bucky feels towards himself in this moment. Instead, Steve is looking back at him, radiating a certain sternness Bucky’s well accustomed to, and the unconditional love Bucky is sure he’s unworthy of.
“James.” Steve whispers. The simple use of his first name has Bucky’s knees going weak.
“James, I bought the sugar, I bought my ma’s medication, and I’m doing just fine.” He’s lying, Bucky notices Steve’s slightly labored breath, still recovering from the afternoon of dancing.
“I’m supposed to take care of you all.” Bucky protests lightly.
“I can take care of self, you of all people should damn well know that by now.” Steve looks offended by his words, and moves as though he’s going to try and retract his hand.
“I know that sweetheart. Everybody on this side of Brooklyn knows that by now.” He tries for a joke, and it seems to work, because Steve is no longer actively trying to pull away, even cracking a small smile.
“I just meant that, I want to take care of you all babydoll. That’s my job.”
Bucky is a provider, a protector, that’s who he’s supposed to be. If Bucky can’t do that, he’s not sure he knows who he is. And maybe Steve’s a mind reader, or maybe bucky’s just too tired to notice he’s let those words slip out loud, because what he says next hits the nail on the head.
“Bucky, I know you think it’s your job to protect and provide, or whatever else sexist bullshit your dad tried to convince you of, but it’s not. Your job is to get up every morning and try your best, okay? No one here expects you to be superman. We’ve all seen how hard you’ve been working to get Lottie and Rose their stupid sugar. You tried your damndest Buck, I know you did, but I did the math and there was no way you all could afford something like that this month, it just wasn’t going to happen babe.”
Bucky feels the shame and embarrassment of his shortcomings bubbling inside of him again, and he looks defeated as a tear slips. Steve is quick to wipe them away though, with the trademark kindness he’s become known for.
“No, Buck, it’s okay though. You wanna know why? Because we’re a team Buck. We take care of each other. So, if your sisters need a birthday cake, or your ma needs a kidney or you need me to just listen to you, I’m gonna be there. I’m gonna always be there.”
Unsure what to say, Bucky follows his instincts, grabbing for Steve's waist, and pulling him close. His sense of self disappointment seemingly at bay for now, he’s suddenly privy to the atmosphere of the room. The Ella Fitzgerald tune plays lightly, and Steve’s deep breathing begins to even out as Bucky holds his love, settling them into a gentle sway.
His love, who wears newspapers in his shoes to seem taller, who swears like a sailor but says a hail mary whenever anyone uses the lord’s name in vain. His Stevie, who puts his own life at risk so that Bucky’s sisters can have a half decent birthday.
It’s in this moment, sleep deprived and dirt poor, that Bucky decides he will do anything for Stevie. Bucky thinks it’s always been something he’s known, and he’d admittedly already pledged something similar when they were children. Now though, as teenagers on the cusp of proper adulthood, he means it in ways he couldn’t have understood even a few years ago. He would die for Steve with no hesitation, would kill someone if it came to it, there’s nothing he would not do for Steven Grant Rogers.
Looking back, modern day Bucky wishes he had never promised anything like that, even in the silent way he did. He should have known he would just disappoint Steve. Bucky had been a failure then, and he was a failure now, except Stevie wasn’t here to lie to him anymore to make him feel better. Steve’s not here because Bucky couldn’t do the one thing he was good for.
Bucky feels a sudden influx of emotions, he shuts the radio off with a controlled rage, before gathering himself and heading for the door. He’ll fucking break the opps door down if he has to, but he’s going to find Steve, and now. That much he is sure of.