Maya wasn’t quite sure what to do with herself. She was feeling very shaky and still kinda sick as she walked with Ben and Pru to go find Miranda who had just finished up in surgery and was more than happy to get hugs from her husband and daughter, tears fresh in her eyes as she scooped Pru up into her arms and kissed her over and over again on the cheek.
“Stop it,” Pru giggled playfully.
“Ok,” Bailey said, setting her down, knowing she had to respect the toddler’s space, “I just really missed you today.”
Pru wrapped her arms around Miranda’s legs and hugged her again as Ben also hugged his wife. While it was so nice to see her friend reunited with his wife after such a long, awful day, it also felt like a solid punch in the gut for Maya who knew the chances of her being able to do the same were slim to none.
She wasn’t angry at Carina about it because she understood her wife needed space, but her heart broke in a million pieces when she thought about Carina processing the hell she had witnessed that day alone in a hotel room that felt so cold and lonely.
“Maya,” Ben said, interrupting her thoughts, “I am going to take Pru home. Did you need a lift back to the station or anything?”
“No,” Maya said, “I…um…I think I might…Miranda, do you know when Carina is off?”
“She’s supposed to be off in about an hour,” Bailey said, “But I don’t know now because of all the chaos. I can see if Dr. Jankins has come in yet to relieve her though.”
“It’s ok,” Maya said, shaking her head, “I…um….is it ok if I go wait in her office? Or near her office maybe? I don’t want to be in her space, but I want to make sure she’s ok and I just…I don’t think I could safely go back to work or go home. I need to be here.”
“That’s fine,” Bailey said, “I can let you into her office if you want.”
“Actually, I think I’ll just wait in the waiting room on the Labor and Delivery floor,” Maya said, “I don’t want to invade Carina’s space too much if that’s not what she needs today. I just want to be close in case she does.”
“Are you sure?” Bailey asked, “I mean, the lobby isn’t very comfortable.”
“I don’t care about that,” Maya shrugged, “I just want to be around if she needs me without pushing her if she doesn’t.”
“Ok,” Bailey said, “Do you need anything?”
“No,” Maya said, “Absolutely not. I should be asking you that. You go home and hug your husband and your kids. I’m just fine here.”
“I am actually not going home. My patient is in the ICU with an open abdomen. I’ll probably be here all night,” Bailey said, “But Bishop, for what it’s worth, I think she is going to want to see you. Today was…today was a day I never thought would happen and yet here we are. None of us are ok nor will we be for a long time.”
“I know,” Maya said somberly, “I just don’t want to make it worse for her.”
“Bishop, it can’t get worse than this,” Bailey said, “This…what happened today…this is the worst. You being here cannot possibly make today any worse for your wife than it already has been.”
Maya nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat after hearing those words. Just then, Bailey’s pager went off.
“I need to get back to my patient,” she said, “I will tell the charge nurse to le you into Carina’s office if you change your mind.”
“Thanks,” Maya nodded as she headed to the waiting room while Bailey gave her husband and daughter another quick hug before going back to her patient.
Maya sat herself in one of the chairs in the corner away from all the other anxiously waiting other people also waiting for their families but in very different ways than she was. Her whole body felt wild at the moment. Running to her wife was the first time she had allowed herself to run since her injury and her body was all but screaming at her to do it more.
But instead, she pulled out her phone and scrolled to find her meditation app. She still was not really into it, but she did find that it helped some with the racing thoughts in her head and right now, she needed anything she could get. She also texted Diane, just needing a sound voice at the moment.
Part of her wanted to just go stand outside the delivery room she knew her wife was in but she knew better than that. As she sat there, she decided that she was going to take the hotel for the next few days or even with Andy or something if Carina would prefer that. Carina needed to feel safe and be in a familiar environment and have her things around her. Things were significantly more important to Carina than they were to Maya and she deserved to have them right now. Maya pulled out a phone, making a list of the things she would need to pack to so that she could be in and out as fast as possible to make sure Carina could be comfortable as soon as possible.
The fridge and pantry were fully stocked because she had gone shopping the day before and just like every week, she made sure she had all Carina’s favorites on hand just in case her wife decided to come home or if she asked Maya for anything, she would be ready. Maya knew Carina needed time and she respected that need, but she wanted to make sure she was ready to show her wife that she was putting her first at every turn and that she was trying to be better.
She had no idea how long she sat in the waiting room, time passing insanely slow and also way too fast as she scanned the faces walking past for the one face she wanted to see and finally, she saw it. She saw her wife walking past the lobby looking so incredibly beautiful and yet exhausted and worn down in a way that Maya rarely saw.
Carina went to talk to another patient in the lobby, presumably some grandparents or something. As she did, her eyes caught her wife’s and Maya could tell she lost her train of thought for a moment before she continued to give whatever update she had to the patient’s family.
Once she was done and the family was sent to the room, Carina slowly walked over to Maya.
“You’re still here?” Carina asked, confused, “I thought you were on shift?”
“I am…” Maya said, “Or was. I just…I’m not I the right headspace to work tonight and I thought about going home but then I decided I should let you be the one at home tonight so I waited here to tell you that and also just to make sure you are ok but if you don’t want me here I…”
Maya was cut off by Carina grabbing her hand and dragging her very quickly down the hall into her office before shutting the door behind them.
“Carina, what…?” Maya started before her wife turned, buried her face in her neck, and let out a gut-wrenching sob that shook her so hard her legs gave out from under her.
Maya caught her and then slowly lowered them both down to the ground, never breaking her contact with her wife as the Italian continued sobbing.
“I am right here,” Maya said, rubbing her back, “Right here. I’ve got you. You are safe. I am here.”
Carina clung to her in a death grip, Maya almost finding it hard to breath because of how tight the hold was, but she was not going to move a muscle, not when her wife needed her. Eventually, sobs turned to whimpers and then to silence though Carina didn’t move off out of Maya’s arms, the blonde just alternating between rubbing her back and stroking her hair gently rocking them back and forth ever so slightly.
“It was terrible,” Carina said, her voice fairly flat as she moved a bit so her cheek was pressed against Maya’s chest, her entire body essentially in her wife’s lap, “We thought the protestors had been contained. We thought it was safe. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, bam, a car hit Dr. Montgomery and our intern Tia and they were on the ground and…it was instincts kicked in and Dr. Wilson and I were treating Tia but the entire time, I kept looking around, wondering if the car was going to come back and try to hit us again and then we got to the ER and I ended up delivering the baby in the ER and he was so tiny and I thought they were both going to die and…I’m going to be sick.”
Maya moved quickly, grabbing a trash can that was near the door just as Carina started vomiting.
“Shhhh,” Maya said, gathering her hair out of her face, “It’s ok. Just get it all out.”
It took a minute, but eventually, Carina’s stomach calmed enough that she pushed the trash can away, Maya pulling her back into her arms.
“Sorry,” Carina mumbled, “My stomach still hasn’t fully recovered from your cooking and today was a lot.”
“It’s ok,” Maya said, holding her close, “I’m sorry you are still feeling sick. Maybe you should get that checked out? I mean, I didn’t think food poisoning lasted this long.”
“I’m ok,” Carina said, shaking her head, “That’s the first time I have gotten sick in a few days and that was stress being part of the target of a violent protest is a lot.”
“I know,” Maya said sympathetically, “I am so sorry you went through that. Are you ready to leave? Like I said, I’ll take you back to the apartment, I can grab some stuff, and then I’ll go stay at the hotel or with Andy or something.”
“Or you could stay?” Carina said, looking up at Maya, “Please? I…I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
“Yeah, of course,” Maya nodded, “I’ll stay. I can sleep I the guest room or on the couch or something.”
“Or in our bed,” Carina said, “I am not saying I am ready to come back home and all of that, but tonight, I need you close. I need to not be alone. Tonight, can we just…can we be ok tonight?”
“Of course,” Maya nodded, “We can be whatever you need tonight. Are you ready to go?”
“Si,” Carina nodded as she felt Maya shift and then before she fully knew what happened, she was standing up and her jacket was being placed on.
“We are going to have to take your car,” Maya said, “I ran here and I don’t have my car.”
Carina nodded numbly, grabbing her keys out of her purse.
“Come on,” Maya said, going to guide her out of the office only for Carina to grab her hand, lacing their fingers together as they left the office.
They headed downstairs, neither of them saying anything, an air of heaviness still in the hospital after the day’s events.
The drive home was silent, Maya shocked when she felt Carina press the car keys into her palm, knowing the Italian never let anyone, including her, drive the Porsche, but today, today was not like any other day. They drove home in silence and walked up to the apartment in much the same manner, neither of them saying anything until the door was shut and locked behind them, Maya triple checking on the locks tonight for both of their sanity.
“I, um, I am going to go shower,” Carina said.
“Yeah, ok,” Maya nodded, “Do you want me to make you something to eat? Or some tea or something?”
“You make me food?” Carina said, raising an eyebrow, “I don’t think my stomach is ready for that.”
“I can make you some toast or something?” Maya said, “That I know I won’t mess up. And maybe it will help settle your stomach?”
“Si,” Carina nodded with a small smile, “Toast would be good. I won’t be long in the shower.”
“Take all the time you need,” Maya said, “I won’t start the toast until you are out. Do you need anything?”
“No,” Carina said, “Though I might have to use your shampoo because mine is at the hotel.”
“I bought you more,” Maya said, biting her lip as Carina raised an eyebrow, “I mean, I wanted to make sure there was some here just in case you ever dropped by while I was at the station or out or something and needed a shower or something. I don’t know. I promise it’s not creepy.”
“No,” Carina said, shaking her head, “Not creepy. It’s nice. Thank you.”
Carina disappeared into the bathroom, Maya going into the kitchen to prepare some food for her wife. She knew Carina was likely not very hungry, but she wanted to make sure her wife kept her strength up, especially after the day she had had. Maya got some fresh fruit washed, putting it on a plate along with some olives from the fridge and a few slices of cheese, leaving room for the toast. She also grabbed out a piece of Carina’s favorite chocolate from the cabinet, adding it to the plate. She boiled some water, steeping a bag of Carina’s favorite ginger tea in hopes that it would help calm her stomach down more.
Once she heard the shower turn off, she grabbed out some bread, popping it in the toaster before grabbing down a jar of Nutella and also a stick of butter, not sure which her wife would want and deciding that both would be better. If Carina didn’t want one of them, Maya would just eat it.
She heard the bathroom door open and a few minutes later, Carina came out of the bedroom dressed in one of her old academy sweatshirts that the Italian had a fondness for and a pair of black yoga pants.
“I made food,” Maya said, “Or I guess I pulled it out of the fridge and put it on a plate. But there’s other stuff too if you want it or I can go get you something else or…”
“Shhh, Bambina, this is good,” Carina said, taking the plate from her wife, “Grazie.”
“Always,” Maya said with a shy smile, “Oh, and ginger tea. I know you said your stomach has been a little off and I thought this might help with that.”
“It sounds perfect,” Carina nodded, taking a sip of the hot beverage.
“I am going to go take a fast shower,” Maya said, “If that’s ok. I was climbing around in a cave today and I feel dirty and sweaty, but I can wait if you need me to.”
“Go shower Bambina,” Carina said, “I am ok.”
“I won’t be long,” Maya said, watching Carina until she got to their room, part of her afraid if she went and showered, when she got back, her wife would be gone. She took her shower, quickly getting dressed before leaving the bathroom, finding Carina curled up in bed.
“Hey,” Maya said gently, “What can I do?”
“Come lay with me?” Carina asked in a small voice.
“Of course,” Maya nodded, climbing into bed, allowing Carina to be the one to come to her so as to not overstep.
“Thank you for coming today,” Carina said quietly, “I’m sorry I didn’t say more than that earlier, but I really do appreciate it. And thank you for staying.”
“Carina, I know you had a job to do,” Maya said, running her hand up and down her wife’s back, “I just needed to see you, see that you were ok with my own eyes. The moment I heard about the attack on the radio… I just needed to see that you were ok. And I now know how you feel every time I go on a call and I am so sorry for that.”
Carina snuggled closer to Maya, breathing in her scent. This was her Maya, the one who held her after Andrew’s death and made all the funeral arrangements, the one who helped her through her mood swings when she was getting hormone shots and kissed her stomach after each and every injection, the one who broke down in her arms on their wedding night. Her Maya who loved her and who she loved and every fiber of her being wanted to believe that this was how things were going to be now but she was so scared. Tonight though, they were ok.
“I ran today for the first time since my injury,” Maya said and Carina felt her body tense up, terrified of what was about to come, but Maya must have felt her tense because she immediately kept going, “No, I mean, not for exercise. I ran to the hospital to get to you. It felt so weird to do it again, but all I could think about was getting to you. I made the rig drop me off in the middle of the street because I knew it would be faster. I wanted to run again when I was waiting for you, but I didn’t. Instead I did some meditation and stuff. And texted with Diane a little bit.”
“You…you haven’t run since your accident?” Carina asked, looking up at her wife, “I thought you were medically cleared?”
“I am,” Maya said, “I just…I don’t know. I don’t want to I guess. Or maybe I’m scared to? It’s something I am trying to untangle with Diane right now. I’ve been biking and lifting and stuff, in a safe way and only a little every day to stay in shape for work, but I haven’t been running.”
Carina was dumbstruck, not even sure what to say after hearing that.
“Wow,” she finally said.
Maya nodded a little, rubbing Carina’s back, “Anyway, I’ll shut up about me now. How are you? What do you need?”
“I probably need to sleep,” Carina said, “I have to be back at work at the clinic tomorrow morning.”
“What?” Maya said, “No. No, you can’t. It’s not safe.”
“We have to, Bambina,” Carina said, “Dr. Bailey said that if we close our doors, that shows them they have won and I agree. If we close our doors, there are women who will not get help and it will show that the protestors won which is the last thing those anti-choice lowlifes need. They claim they care about women and babies and yet today, I had to deliver a baby at 28 weeks because the mother was coding because of them and now both the baby and the mom have months of hospital recovery time and the potential for life-long complications. Complications that if they do arise, the very same people who ran them over will protest them getting free healthcare to cover because they should just work harder. So tomorrow, no matter what, we cannot close the clinic because they cannot win. Those horrible, evil people cannot win. They cannot take away another person’s life and I am not going to let them take away the joy I get from practicing medicine.”
“I understand,” Maya said, wiping a tear from Carina’s cheek, “But can I come sit in the clinic all day with you?” Carina smiled and shook her head as she pulled Maya into a hug, “Thank you for letting me be here tonight.” “Carina, this is your home too,” Maya said, “It is here for you whenever you want it. I promise.”
“And I promise one day I will be ready to do this again,” Carina said, “I…I just…I want to but part of me is so scared.”
“I know,” Maya said, handing her head, “I know I scared you and I broke your trust and I am so sorry for that. I am getting better though. I can’t promise it won’t get hard again because I don’t fully understand what happened in my brain, but I am slowly figuring it out and I am getting better. You and our family, that is my priority now”
“I know you are,” Carina said, “I see it every day. I mean, you have only been back to work for what? 4 shifts? And you have left two of them to come see me. Not that I want you to give up your job in the slightest, but just that shows me that what you are saying is true. I just need a little more time to get there. But I am so proud of you.”
“I’m doing it for me,” Maya said, “For me, and us, and our family, not just my job.”
“I know,” Carina said, “Diane told me. Well, she told me you are still doing sessions but that they are your choice.”
“They are,” Maya nodded, “Because like I said on our wedding day, I choose you forever Carina.”
The Italian nodded, cuddling back into her wife’s arms. The world may be on fire at the moment and everything felt big and confusing, but here, in her wife’s arms, all of that melted away and she just felt safe and loved and cared for in a way that she only felt with her Maya.