Her Sweet Lullaby
James waited. He waited and waited. Still sat in that chair, deep in thought. His head was still in his hands and all he could think about was her. What if he never got to tell her? Did she know? Know about their memories? He wanted to ask Steve but… would Steve even know?
He looked up, for the first time in about half an hour. He felt the dried up tracks his tears left behind pull on the skin of his face. Steve wasn’t in the room. For a moment James panicked, not even really remembering where he was. The memories and visions had came in and out over the past half hour, so, he felt he could be anywhere. Right, compound… waiting… waiting for Natalia to wake up. No, Natasha? What would he call her?
Just then Steve entered the room, still on the phone with someone.
“No, she’s still in the operating room,” he nodded, then sighed. “No news on anything. Could be bad or good.”
Steve noticed James watching him, and made quick work to end the conversation.
“Let Clint know. Yeah, Tony. Okay, bye,” he hung up the phone then walked over to Bucky. “I thought you were asleep. You sat like that for half an hour.”
“I know… it was,” James took a deep breath. “Memories.”
“Memories?” Steve asked, and his faced seemed to perk up.
“Yeah…” James said slowly. “Memories of her from…”
James stopped. Something in Steve’s gaze. He knew something. He knew…?
“Wait. Do you know about them?”
Steve looked at James like a deer in headlights. His expression full of surprise. He opened his mouth to attempt a lie (probably), yet closed it shut again.
“Did… did she…?”
He looked down now, not knowing what to say.
“Steve, did you know? Did you know about us? About my memories of her?”
Steve sighed and shook his head, then sat down. “Yes.”
A saddened look crossed James’ face. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t she tell me?”
“Because she didn’t want to force you. She didn’t want to force any memories onto you. She didn’t want to push you.”
James looked down at his hands and hung his head. Of course she did. She had never pushed him, only cared for him with every inch of her soul. And now? God, he needed her to live.
“And she told you?” he asked after a moment, looking up at Steve again.
“After weeks of persistence. Trust me, she wasn’t jumping at the opportunity.”
They were silent for a moment. James let the statement sink in, while Steve sat as still as a tree, not knowing what in the world to even say. After a few moments James spoke. His voice was quiet, and it almost sounded like he was talking to himself, not Steve.
“She was the only good thing in it all. You don’t know half of it, Steve. She cared for me like nobody else had…” he shook his head, trying to hide the next set of tears that tried to overcome him. Since when did he become so emotional? Because he… loved her. “…she… she taught me to love again. To care again. She made me want to live a life and not follow the orders they pressed onto me.”
“And in a way, you taught her what love was even like,” Steve smiled at his friend, wrapping an arm over his shoulder. He was even tearing up now.
“I loved her… I still love her. What if I never get to tell her Steve? What if…”
“You will tell her. And she won’t die. She’s strong.”
“I didn’t protect her,” James breathed, almost to himself. His head felt heavy, matching the feeling in his heart.
“It’s not your fault, Buck,” Steve assured him.
James was still trying to process everything. Steve knowing. The new memories. The slightest idea that maybe Natalia, or Natasha, wasn’t going to make it out alive.
“I didn’t protect her,” he repeated. “She did this to protect me. She had my back and I didn’t have hers’.” He sighed, then spoke in Russian, “God, Natalia. Please fight through this.”
***
An hour had passed. Then another. The team had eventually returned to the compound, distressed, exhausted and unsuccessful. They had evacuated the camp, all the officials had gotten away. Only a few files from the USB James had began to download was left. They checked in with Steve and James, Wanda stayed with them for a bit, still worried about Natasha’s condition, yet Vision had pulled her away after a while to get her mind off things.
Clint on the other hand spent the entire time in the waiting room, pacing.
“You can sit, you know?” Steve motioned to the chair next to him.
“What happened? How could you let this happen?” Clint questioned. His glare was directed at James.
“I got distracted. I didn’t hear her ask for backup. I’m really, really sorry,” James hung his head. Guilt once again evaded him.
“She might die because of this! I can’t…” Clint continued to rant. Steve stood up and pulled the man away. They whispered in the corner, more like Steve whispered to Clint while Clint still talked in a normal voice.
Even from his position, seated in the farthest chair, James could hear what they were saying.
“You can’t blame him, it isn’t his fault.”
“Who else’s fault is it, then?”
“The agents that shot her.”
Clint sighed.
“Believe me, Clint. He’s taking this hard. He already blames himself… and…” Steve took a deep breath, “he shouldn’t have to have that sort of idea in his head. He doesn’t deserve that immense guilt. Nobody does.”
Clint eventually nodded, then added.
“Does he know about his time with Natasha from before?”
“He does now. I think he remembered sometime over the course of this event.”
“Natasha will be happy to hear that.”
Steve only nodded and they returned back to the main waiting area. James’ guilty thoughts continued to consume him. It was your fault, his mind said, all your fault.
“Sorry, man. I was just a bit angry. She’s my best friend,” Clint sighed and patted James on the shoulder.
“Yeah,” he wanted to say, “I love her too.” But it didn’t feel right, so instead he just nodded.
It was a shock, that feeling that overcame him when he remembered. Yet a new realization had also came over him. It wasn’t because of the memories that he loved Natasha now. He had been secretly falling for her since she helped him with his nightmares. Only now, with the memories, that bond had became stronger. He smiled, for a split moment at the prospect of that idea. Even without his memory, he had begun to love her. His words he had spoken to her all those years ago couldn’t have been more true: We will always find our way back to each other.
James didn’t really believe in soulmates or that there’s an “invisible string”: the idea of being connected to somebody and that you will find them, no matter what the circumstances. Yet now, with Natalia, or Natasha, he believed it. Fate would have it, he would love her and find her, memory or no memory. James did, of course, prefer it with his memory.
***
It was nearly 8 at night. They had been waiting for a good three hours. Wanda had returned again, along with most of the Avengers, all anxious on any news to come. Still there hadn’t been any word from the doctors or nurses and it scared the shit out of James. Steve had brought him some dinner, a plate of chicken Alfredo pasta that Wanda had made, yet James didn’t feel like eating.
“Please,” he said, holding out the plate.
“No, I can’t eat. My stomach is twisted in knots,” James responded.
Steve sighed and placed it on the little table between the two chairs.
“Just incase you want it later,” he explained. James just nodded. He wouldn’t eat until he at least heard some news. If he ate anything now, he would probably just throw it all up again.
Then, 10 minutes later, a nurse entered the waiting room. He looked tired, and his face barely gave James a clue of the news he would bring. He didn’t seem overjoyed, but not fully distressed either. A good in between stage.
“So?” Clint asked. And the rest of the team, except James, stood up, waiting for the news.
“We’ve stabilized her condition. Almost lost her twice, yet her heart beat is consistent at the moment,” he started.
James let out a breath of relief. She was still alive. She was still alive. She was still alive. That was the only thought running through his head.
“Miraculously, none of the bullets hit her vital organs, though she has a shattered rib. The other bullet wounds weren’t as serious and the bullets from the shot to her thigh and bicep are already taken out. The two in her abdomen have also been removed and patched up, but the two near her rib cage is a trickier operation. Which we’ll preform in about half an hour. We want her to rest for a bit,” he explained.
“Anything else?” Tony asked.
“Because of the shattered rib, there could be risk of internal bleeding, which we’ll also have to take care of in that operation,” he added.
Internal bleeding? That was never good. She wasn’t out of the woods yet, just stable for now. James wanted to take advantage of that opportunity.
“Can I see her?” he asked. His voice was a quiet. The request had almost went unheard, yet the nurse had picked it up.
“Yes, you can. But she’s on multiple pain killers and just got out of the first operation. She won’t be awake or talking,” the man stated.
“Can she hear me?” James asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
“I still want to see her,” he stood up.
The nurse looked to the other Avengers, to see if they wanted to tag along.
“We’ll go later,” Steve said for the group. Even though only Clint and Steve knew the full backstory of Natasha and James’ extensive relationship, everyone else could tell he had a connected with her. They let him go alone.
James followed the nurse through the hallway until they came across a small room. It looked like a hospital room, with the same reclined cot and the privacy curtain that could circle the entire bed. Her fiery red hair was splayed across the pillowcase, her hands by her side and most of her body was underneath the blanket they had provided for her.
She looked almost peaceful. Her lips weren’t curved up in a smile, yet not in a frown either. Just solemnly straight. She did have beautiful lips though, James noticed more and more. Her stomach rose and fell slowly. And she seemed so calm.
He reached for her hand, the one closest to him that wasn’t hooked up to IVs and other needles. A cluster of steady beeps from the multiple monitors played in the background. At the moment that was his favorite sound: the sound that assured him that she was alive.
Her hand wasn’t cold neither warm. As if by habit, he placed his finger on her pulse. There were machines tracking it, yet he had to be sure himself. It was steady, strong and he smiled down at her for a moment because of it. She was fighting, surviving, something she had done her whole life. Something she had done far too many times.
“Natasha,” he began, then decided to change the language to Russian. He didn’t exactly know if somebody was eavesdropping. I guess old habits die hard. “Or Natalia, when you wake up you can tell me which one you prefer. But I’ll always call you moy malen’kiy pauk.”
My little spider. He breathed a shaky laugh at the nickname. And gently, he touched his hand to her cheek with his metal arm. Her skin was warmer there, her cheeks even a bit rosy. How was she always so beautiful? Even while fighting for her life in a hospital bed she looked like an angel.
“And…I…I need you to wake up, so I can tell you,” he sighed. “So I can tell you I remember you. That I love you, will always love you. And that I’m sorry. This is all my fault, I shouldn’t have gotten distracted.”
There was a moment of silence. He removed his hand from her face and clasped her nimble wrist with his fingertips. Then held her hand up to his lips for him to place a kiss onto her palm.
“You’re the strongest person I know. If anyone can survive this, it’s you,” James inhaled. Then just sat in silence for a moment. He looked at her, tried to memorize every single detail about her. Just in case. Then, after just watching her breath for a minute or two, he began to sing.
It was a soft song, he practically whispered it. He had remembered it was her favorite lullaby. She would usually be the one to sing it to him, after nightmares or flashbacks. Or even just as they would fall asleep together, she would hum the melody. Now, it was time he sang it to her.
“Mirrorbright, shines the moon, its glow as soft as an ember. When the moon is mirrorbright, take this time to remember,” he began with a shaky breath, the continued to pronounce the familiar Russian words. “Those you have loved but are gone. Those who kept you so safe and warm."
A tear streaked down his cheek, he wiped it away and still sang quietly into her hand. His eyes were closed, his head bent down as if he was praying. And in a sense he was. These lyrics were their prayer. It had that same comfort an “Our Father” or “Hail Mary” would hold.
“The mirrorbright moon lets you see, those who ceased to be. Mirrorbright shines the moon, as fires die to their embers. Those you loved are with you still, the moon will help you remember,” he finished. Then looked back up at her.
“That was pretty, didn’t understand a word of it, but still. Never pinned you for the singing type,” a soft voice said. James turned to find Wanda standing in the doorway.
James nodded. “Here, I’ll leave…”
“You don’t have to. The team just wanted to see if they could visit. The nurse says only a few minutes longer before they have to prep her,” she stated.
“It’s okay. You all deserve some time with her,” he shook his head, then turned his attention back onto Natasha. He kissed her hand once again and placed it back onto the bed next to her side. “Goodbye, moy malen’kiy pauk. Only for now, of course.”
“We don’t mind, you don’t…” she started.
“Wanda, it’s okay,” he switched the language back to english, and gave a weak smile, yet Wanda could sense he was forcing it. “Go, get the team. Tell them I’ll be in the training room if they need me.”
The woman only nodded, then left to room to get the rest of the Avengers. Meanwhile, James left for the training room. He needed to punch something. He needed to get that mix of fear, nervousness and guilt out of his system the only way he knew how.