To Wakanda
Turns out Bruce did know a doctor that could perform an operation to help remove James’ triggers. A group of doctors in Wakanda said they could complete it with their advanced technology.
Natasha was surprised to say the least when James asked her to come along. She assumed he only wanted Steve there, predicting that he hoped the other Avengers wouldn’t have to see him in that sort of state, yet (still) he asked her.
“I,” he took a deep breath, “I want you to come with me. Steve’s coming too but…”
He found it hard to explain the reason behind it. He didn’t even know the reason himself, it was just a feeling. It was that new trust he had found in her.
“I’ll come, when do we leave,” she responded with a kind smile.
“Thursday.”
Now the three of them were on a jet to Wakanda. Natasha looked out the window at the ground below, growing closer and closer to them as the pilot continued their decent.
“It’s beautiful,” Steve sighed as he looked out the window at the approaching settlement.
The city was breathtaking to say the least. It was futuristic, filled with new technologies Natasha couldn’t even imagine. She had barely even known that this place existed, due to it successfully having remained hidden for decades, thanks in no small part to its incredible dome-like forcefield.
She noticed James taping his finger against the armrest. A nervous tick she didn’t know he had. The Winter Solider wasn’t allowed to have a nervous tick. Perhaps it was something 1940’s Bucky had done.
“It’s going to be fine,” she assured him after he continued to tap on the armrest for a few more seconds.
“I know, it’s just… nerve-racking.”
Natasha nodded.
“These people know what they’re doing Buck. If anyone can solve this, they can,” Steve added. James gave him a kind glance of appreciation for the reassuring statement.
The plane touched down and the three were greeted by a set of Wakandan guards along with King T’Challa and his sister, Shuri.
“Thank you for having us, your majesty,” Steve said respectfully while the king shook his hand.
“It’s my pleasure, really. I’m glad we can help your friend. Bucky was it?” T’Challa switched his focus onto James.
“Bucky, James, all the same,” he responded shaking the king’s hand with his flesh one.
“A metal arm?” the king pointed to his left arm.
“Yeah,” he sighed, shyly. It was a sensitive subject. The arm was just a reminder of everything that happened to him and everything he had done. James found that he wanted to take it off, thinking he would be better off with just one arm instead of looking at that crimson red star everyday. The only problem was that fact that he didn’t exactly know how to take the darn thing off.
“It seems worn, lots of scratches. My sister, Shuri, can make you a new one, if you would like,” he explained.
James looked from T’Challa to Shuri, then to Steve and Nat before returning his focus onto the two Wakandans.
“Yes, thank you, if you don’t mind the trouble,” he practically beamed.
“Let’s go then,” Shuri shook her head, and then led the way into a tall building.
“Don’t mind my sister, we just don’t get these sorts of visitors often,” T’Challa joked.
“It’s understandable,” Natasha agreed.
The king smiled briefly at her before leading them through the building and into a lab.
“What will you be doing?” Steve asked once they entered the workspace.
“Well that, Captain America, is a complicated question. First I have to do a scan to assess what state his brain is in. If his memory itself isn’t fully recovered, I would say focus on that first. We don’t know if there may be any uncovered triggers hidden in the forgotten memories,” the princess explained.
“So, if his full memory isn’t recovered, you’ll have a way to bring it all back?” Natasha asked, which got a glance from Steve.
“Yes, stated in simpler terms of course.”
“Do you want that?” Natasha asked him. He thought for a moment before answering.
“Yes, I want to try to return to at least a feeling of normalcy. Having all my memories back, even if they’re bad ones, will help,” he replied.
“Alright, I’ll set up for the scan.”
***
Less than an hour later, Shuri had assessed the scan and explained to them the results.
“The majority of your memory has returned,” she started. “About 56% precent of it. The rest is either still developing or blocked off completely.”
“What do you mean by ‘blocked off’?” James questioned.
“Whatever memory wipes they did for those certain sectors were completed more ‘efficiently’, meaning they were practically successful in exterminating that memory,” Shuri explained.
“And you can undo it?” he asked again.
“Possibly. Only if we try can we tell. It’s like a neuron blockade, it might be harder to recover those memories, yet it seems manageable.”
“Then I want it done. The sooner the better.”
“I’ll get started now,” Shuri nodded and then left the room to start prepping for the procedure.
“I thought I had regained most of my memories, but only 56% is recovered? How much more is there?” James asked both Steve and Nat. Steve shrugged but looked to Natasha expectantly. There was a lot to be uncovered.
***
Natasha and Steve waited in the lobby for hours. She didn’t know how long this procedure would take, but every minute that passed by made her more anxious and nervous. If James got all his memories back, he would remember, right? What would his reaction be? Would he accept those feelings he had towards her in those memories, or has he changed so much he won’t feel the same way anymore? Because Natasha knew for certain that her feelings towards James hadn’t changed a bit.
She had sat next to Steve in virtual silence the entire time. He had paced a bit, sketched some here and there, talked on the phone with someone to ease his nerves (Nat swore it was Sharon, just from his laugh and tone), and eventually sat back down in the chair and tried to read a book. By the amount of times he looked expectantly at the door and the clock, she could tell he wasn’t getting very far in that novel.
“Do you think the procedure will work?” she asked. Her voice wasn’t that loud, but Steve had heard it.
“I don’t know, I really hope so. He needs this win,” Steve sighed.
Natasha nodded. She hoped it would work too.
“You’re nervous,” he added after a moment of observing her. Damn, was she really that obvious?
“You noticed, looks like I’m losing my touch,” she joked. But Steve shook his head, his face still serious.
“You have nothing to be nervous of, Nat.”
“But what if he looks at me differently after this, not in a good way. What if he sees me like I’m… I’ve murdered people in those memories of his, in the ones that have me in them. What if he thinks…”
“If you’re about to call yourself a monster, please don’t. Because you aren’t.”
“Really Steve? After finding out about bits of my past, did that word not cross your mind?” she snapped.
He just shook his head, but didn’t look her in the eye, nor did he speak. He had. Maybe not that exact word, but he had thought something similar. The weight of that realization hit her like a truck.
“I’m going to get some air,” she stated and left the room, heading towards nowhere in particular. She didn’t exactly know her way around yet.
Steve didn’t stop her. Instead, he had his head in his hands as he sat in the comfy armchair. He had messed up with that response (more of a lack of response), badly.
***
Natasha retreated to an outdoor garden. She watched as some people roamed the area, preoccupied with what they were doing, yet not occupied enough to not steal a glance at her. She assumed it was the red hair. People always seemed to stare at that first.
She sat on a bench that was located right next to a small pond. Little fish swam in the shallow waters contently, without a care in the world. Natasha wished she could be like that fish, instead she was a nervous wreck. Her mind was swarmed with “what-ifs” and scenarios of what could happen during James’ procedure.
What if they made a mistake and he lost all his memory? What if he was triggered during the operation and went berserk? What if Shuri wasn’t successful? What if she was? Would he even recognize her? What if he hated her after this? What if he was mad that she hadn’t told him earlier that she did (in fact) know him?
STOP! She told herself. This wasn’t going to get her anywhere. She had to calm down. Slowly, she breathed in and out and pushed all her worries out of her mind. She thought of James, that he would forgive her, remember her, he always did. Why would she think differently now? Another memory resurfaced at the thought…
o0o
(One month, two weeks after the graduation ceremony)
James and Natalia were training again. Sparring to be exact. Under the watchful gaze of the highest KGB representatives the Red Room had ever hosted in history (or at least that’s what they told the girls).
Natalia was never nervous, ever. Being nervous was a weakness, yet she couldn’t seem to help it. The two men’s faces were a blank slate, not a trace of an expression for her to gauge. She didn’t know if she was doing a good job or a terrible one, that was precisely what was making her nervous.
“Ignore them, think I’m the enemy,” James whispered through closed lips, only loud enough for the two of them to hear. He had learned the skill before he had arrived at the Red Room, and eventually taught Natalia. It was one of the few ways they could communicate under the supervision of their handlers.
“But you’re not,” she stated.
“Don’t hold back,” is what he responded. “You need to impress them. A lot is at stake.”
“You think I don’t know that?” she rolled her eyes and threw the first punch, nearly landing it, except not, as James blocked it and used his momentum to land a kick of his own.
“Darn you,” she mustered.
“Do better,” he smirked back.
And oh, she did. Those two words made her enter a whole other zone of focus. Quickly, she calculated her next moves, executing them gracefully and quickly, leaving James, in the end, pinned to the floor. The two men didn’t clap. Madame B just gave her a curt nod, motioning for her to stand before them while James left the room.
“We’re taking interest in your progress, Black Widow. New assignments will be given to you through Madame B, starting with your first next week. The details will be discussed later, but the overview of the assignment will require you to use your wide ranging skill set to gather information from a government official.”
The two men then left through the double doors, leaving Natalia and Madame B alone in the room.
“It’s an honorable assignment really, not many of our widows are permitted to undertake the task of abducting or executing children as bribery, too messy. Congratulations, Widow.”
Natalia kept her composure strong until she walked out of that training room. Children? Abduct and execute children? She could barely breath, yet she didn’t show it. James did notice though, and quickly he was by her side, pulling her into a janitor's closet.
“Breathe. You’ll be alright,” he said calmly.
“I don’t know if I can do it. I’ve seen girls die, I’ve killed some of my ‘sisters’ before. But I can’t do it again, not when they’re innocent, I can’t,” she rambled in hushed tones.
James put his hand on the small of her back, applying just enough pressure that it was calming. Eventually, Natalia regained her breath.
“You can’t fail them, if you do you’ll…”
“Be eliminated, I know… but…”
“You will be okay. Natalia, I,” he started then paused, not knowing whether he should complete his sentence or not. He decided to complete it. “It’s a wonderful thing. You’re not like the rest. Most wouldn’t think twice about the assignment. You’ve got a heart. And you must keep it…”
“What if it’s already lost?” she shook her head. Madame B told the girls that none of them had a ‘heart’, not one with feelings anyhow, and she had believed it. During that time part of herself still did. In the future that same part still questioned whether or not she had that ‘heart’. But James had always been there to prove otherwise.
“It isn’t lost. You still have it. And you must keep it. Never show it to them, if you keep your heart hidden, you won’t lose it,” he explained.
“And if I forget it? If I do lose it on my own?” she asked.
“You’re a strong woman Natalia, stubborn too. Nobody will ever take your heart away from you, your life maybe, but not your soul.”
And that’s when her beliefs changed. She no longer believed in what Madame B had said about her ‘heart’, now she believed in James.