Chapter 1
Steve pulled Natasha into a room once James was situated. The solider was taking a shower in Steve’s room before they could talk to Tony about living arrangements.
“Why didn’t you tell him, that you knew him?” Steve asked.
“I won’t push him to remember something, Steve,” she responded, shaking her head.
“But last time, when you spoke to him that way it…”
“That doesn’t work every time. And I talked to stop him from shooting me. It was a life-or-death situation. Now, he can remember on his own, without being forced.”
“And if he doesn’t remember?”
“I’ll have to live with that,” Natasha stated calmly, yet her heart was already hurting with the idea that he wouldn’t remember her ever again.
“No, Nat. You could at least tell him…”
“No, I won’t push him. He doesn’t deserve that…” she took a breath then continued, admitting the one thought that had been circulating through her mind, “and maybe it’s better if he doesn’t remember.”
“What? Why?” Steve looked at her puzzled.
“The memories of all the things that took place when he knew me, all of it, it was… it was hell, Steve,” she sighed, her eyes fell to the ground so she wouldn’t have to watch Steve’s reaction. “If he doesn’t have to relive that, then maybe…”
“Why are you doing this to yourself, Nat?” he interrupted. But the question was sincere and his expression was filled with worry. He honestly looked heartbroken. Natasha assumed she was letting too many emotions show if he was looking at her like that. Her instinct was to fix it, restore her emotionless mask, but maybe it was okay to let somebody see her real self. No. No, not yet. “I can tell, just from how you looked at him on the plane ride back, you love him. You miss him. You want nothing more than for him to remember you. Why are you letting him go?”
“It’s because I love him. I’ll bear this pain so he doesn’t have to,” she responded. Then left the room, leaving a stunned Steve Rogers.
***
About six hours later, that same day, Natasha felt a tug at her arm. She flinched from the unexpected contact, a habit she had yet to overcome, then looked up to find Steve looking down at her.
He had found her sitting on the couch in the living room inside the Avengers Tower, looking aimlessly at the busy New York Streets below. She liked the sight of the city at night. The busyness and that feeling of constant movement made her feel small, like an insignificant part of the world, and that somehow calmed her. Not to mention the lights, so many lights. They almost danced around on the city streets. Headlights, billboard lights, street lamps. It was one of her favorite views.
“You were quiet all day today,” Steve stated, then sat next to her on the couch. “Not like I’d blame you, after our conversation.”
Natasha slightly nodded.
“He’s asleep?” she asked.
“Yeah, I assumed he hasn’t gotten a good night's rest in months,” he remarked. James was sleeping in one of the guest rooms in the compound. After hours of banter between Tony and Steve, Tony gave in and gave James a room to sleep in. Surprisingly, James got along with Tony decently well, yet Natasha could most definitely tell that Tony was cautious of the solider.
“He might not stay asleep long. He’s always gotten nightmares, now with all these memories coming back…” she let her voice fade, feeling that tension return to the room along with those unspoken words. His memories were coming back, but not the ones with her in them.
“You can’t avoid him forever, Nat,” Steve sighed after a moment.
“I’m not…” she turned to face him, defensively.
“Yes, you are. Don’t even try lying to me on this one, Natasha,” he interrupted.
Nat let out a breath then nodded slowly. Steve was right. Even if it was the first day James was back in New York, she had avoided him. After so long of trying to find him, this was how she was acting? It seemed so immature.
“And you know the most about him. About this new Bucky. To be honest… he’s different and I,” Steve ran his hands through his hair. A motion he did when he was nervous or anxious. “I don’t know what to do. He remembers but…”
“He’s not the same person you knew before,” she finished his sentence.
“Yeah,” Steve nodded, “and the fact is that if anybody could help disarm his triggers and help him recover from the horrible memories, it would be you.”
Natasha just sat there, her thoughts and feelings at war in her head. Should she do this or should she not? Should she run or should she stay?
“I know you don’t want to push him, but avoiding him and letting him remember on his own, isn’t the same thing. I don’t want to offend you in any way Nat but, it’s not right for James, that you are hiding from him. And it’s not right for you either. I know you have your fears and doubts but…”
“But what Rogers?” she asked. She needed to hear his reasoning. She needed a reason for her to face him, even if James didn’t remember her. She needed a level-headed voice in her mind that could help wash away those doubts.
“But Bucky, or, um, James, he recognized you. Not as Natasha or Natalia, but he asked about you. Said there was something familiar, yet he couldn’t pinpoint what.”
There was another breath of silence before a weak smile crept onto Natasha’s lips. She didn’t want to get ahead of herself, this would still be a long journey for him to remember her, yet it was a start.
“Don’t run from him Nat. You know he wouldn’t want that either.”
Steve stood and left the room. Leaving Natasha alone with her thoughts, all over again. She kept her eyes trained on the New York lights. Spending time with James would be hard. Hard for her to resist talking to him like she used to, to not recall memories they shared and just the struggle of keeping her hands off him. After all the years she had longed for his touch? After losing him and now having him back? It would be no easy feat. But if she could help him, in the long run, or even develop a new kinship with this man stuck between old and new memories, then it would be all worth it. She knew that in her heart.